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JustaDom -> RE: How can I be a great sub? (5/20/2005 1:09:48 AM)
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Resources have exploded in the last ten years. Now the question is almost where *don't* you go. There are dozens of books on BDSM and meetings in every major city, many minor ones and even some rural areas. As your profile states that you are in California, odds are you can find a munch (a meeting of group of fellow BDSM'ers) somewhere fairly near to you and your husband. I'd suggest starting there and talking to people face to face. Getting to know others and seeing them making it work can help you feel much more comfortable with yourself, which will help with your rebellious attitude.
There have been some great books written. A good general book for beginners is "Screw the Roses, Send Me the Thorns" and can be purchased from any major online bookstore or from most kinky retailers if you want to keep your business within our community. Depending on what you want to focus on, there are books geared towards more specific activities and some concentrating on some very specific areas.
Some wonderful online resources are out there but it takes some doing and some knowledge to separate the wheat from the chaff.
As far as curbing your tendencies to misbehave, a combined approach of both of you learning about yourselves, each other and finding ways to work through it and improve will be what solves your problem. There is no quick fix; this will take work to do. When you have reached that point though, you'll see that it was well worth the work to put into it.
Try to find what triggers you to feel submissive around him. Being bound and feeling physically helpless can work psychological wonders for some people. Physical vulnerability for some people is there key to allowing themselves to be vulnerable in other areas. Maybe try some S&M play. You can take the initiative also to be of service to him -- cook and serve him breakfast in bed every weekend. Find your kinks and just have fun.
Also, seriously try to redirect your way of thinking about him. Does he really deserve to be flipped off? Probably not. I suggest trying to preempt actions like that by taking an active role in being submissive. You are going to get frustrated as you adapt, that’s a given. Instead of letting that frustration boil over, notice it as it starts to build and actively focus on his best qualities. Think back to that time he was so good when little Timmy or Alice fell down and skinned their knee, that time he surprised you with something special or something that he consistently does that benefits you both. Find those things about him, pause, and then do something to serve him. It’ll work a whole lot better than misbehaving and once you retrain your brain, you’ll see that you are sharing a lot more pleasant evenings.
I’m glad to hear that you both are taking these first steps. You’ll both do just fine, all you need is a little faith in each other, respectful communication and the desire to work towards improving yourselves and this new aspect of your relationship.
I wish you both the best of luck and please feel free to keep us posted on how you're progressing.
Joe
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