how do you gain consistancy?

Collarspace Discussion Forums

Home Login Search

how do you gain consistancy?

View related threads: (in this forum | in all forums)

Logged in as: Guest

All Forums >> [Community Discussions] >> General BDSM Discussion >> how do you gain consistancy?

Page: [1]

Message

<< Older Topic Newer Topic >>

how do you gain consistancy? - 5/20/2005 7:16:46 AM

Phoenixandnika

Posts: 748
Joined: 4/22/2005
From: Aberdeen Maryland
Status: offline

My Master and I have been together 27/7 since January. This is the 2nd 24/7 M/s relationship I have been involved in and my Masters 1st experience in a 24/7 M/s relationship. My life, the lives of my 2 children have always been fairly structured and consistent. It has had to be because my 2 children are autistic and they need it. Much like them I need consistency I need a strict daily routine. This doesn’t mean n I need to be told what to do every minute of every day, but that I need to know what is expect of me each and every day. What tasks need to be done, how they are expected to be done, and when they are to be done by, and the consequences of them not being done.

Before I took his collar we knew each other quiet some time. He was my best in the world. He was one of the strongest yet most gentle and loving man I had ever met. Since the day he put his collar on me it feels like our friendship was sacrificed. Although we talk still its not like it was before, it seems stiffer. We used to laugh and joke. I am very sarcastic in nature, he used to find a lot of my sarcasm humorous still does from time to time now, but other times its like a cardinal sin to play and tease. For the most part I’ve stopped playing and joking in general the past few weeks, because I never know how he is going to react. In truth I hate the thought of displeasing him in the slightest. He tells me to read him, but by the time I read his relation it’s to late my playful is either accepted or displeasing.

My primary duty is caring for my Master and the children. Through the day he gives me writing assignments and chores to do. These things tend to change lately, like day to night and I am left feeling lost and displeasing. One minute I think I know what he desires and how he desires it the next its changed and I’ve become very frustrated. I feel like I am a roller coaster ride, twisting and turning.

And yes, we talk and talk and talk about the consistency issue. It’s created a wall between us. One I hate. One that leaves me feeling like putting the label of Master and slave on our relationship has cost me my best friend and my Master. I truly don’t know what to do at this point. He owns me completely that will not change but right now neither of us are happy and don’t now and we don’t how to fix it. Please don’t take this as me bashing my Master because I’m not, I just really could use some advice right about now.

Nika, Phoenix's deviant

_____________________________

"Life is neither a bed of roses nor a carpet of thorns, it's just what you make of it."

Profile

Post #: 1

RE: how do you gain consistancy? - 5/20/2005 7:31:24 AM

EmeraldSlave2

Posts: 3645
Joined: 1/1/2004
Status: offline

Reposted from the Ask a Sub forum

What does HE say about his inconsistency?

I used to go nuts over that as well, until I learned to just accept it.

This is how he puts it "I'm very inconsistent, except when I'm not"

This is how I put it "Everything is tentative with the Owner"

I have learned that there are different types of consistency. I KNOW that if an emergency occurred and I needed him, he'd be there. I KNOW that he wants to make this a long term relationship. I KNOW he will do the things that need to be done to get there.

However, if he cancels a date, forgets a phone call, that's life. In fact, that's WHO HE IS.

Now, you are a grown woman with children, obviously you do need some sort of consistency, but you don't necessarily need to be told every day what needs to be done. Perhaps stop focusing on the "little tasks" that pop up and don't really add much to things in the long term now that you ARE so deeply committed to eachother, and just start living together. Just start going out and enjoying eachother.

Perhaps you are both too focused on being some "ideal" of dom and slave and cannot simply recognize that who you are IS dom and slave, and you can express your personalities likewise.

But, talk to him some more, does he have solutions? Does he see a problem with your training and progress? Is he happy? Yes over time you will learn to read him, but having nice long conversations over who you are and how you feel can help immensly.

(in reply to Phoenixandnika)

Profile

Post #: 2

RE: how do you gain consistancy? - 5/20/2005 8:05:27 AM

Kiaban

Posts: 124
Joined: 7/11/2004
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: EmeraldSlave2

Reposted from the Ask a Sub forum

What does HE say about his inconsistency?

I used to go nuts over that as well, until I learned to just accept it.

This is how he puts it "I'm very inconsistent, except when I'm not"

This is how I put it "Everything is tentative with the Owner"

I have learned that there are different types of consistency. I KNOW that if an emergency occurred and I needed him, he'd be there. I KNOW that he wants to make this a long term relationship. I KNOW he will do the things that need to be done to get there.

However, if he cancels a date, forgets a phone call, that's life. In fact, that's WHO HE IS.

Now, you are a grown woman with children, obviously you do need some sort of consistency, but you don't necessarily need to be told every day what needs to be done. Perhaps stop focusing on the "little tasks" that pop up and don't really add much to things in the long term now that you ARE so deeply committed to eachother, and just start living together. Just start going out and enjoying eachother.

Perhaps you are both too focused on being some "ideal" of dom and slave and cannot simply recognize that who you are IS dom and slave, and you can express your personalities likewise.

But, talk to him some more, does he have solutions? Does he see a problem with your training and progress? Is he happy? Yes over time you will learn to read him, but having nice long conversations over who you are and how you feel can help immensly.

what she said...and eat lots of bran, helps with consistancy!

(in reply to EmeraldSlave2)

Profile

Post #: 3

RE: how do you gain consistancy? - 5/20/2005 8:37:20 AM

sub4hire

Posts: 6775
Joined: 1/1/2004
Status: offline

It sound's as if he is having a hard time transitioning from friend to dom. More than likely because that is lack of experience.
Does he want to learn? Have the two of you went to any munch groups in your area? Just being around other's in the lifestyle. Even if he does not speak he can hear them talk. Chime in when he feel's ok to. Learn by hearing rather than doing.
What exactly does a real time dom do on a daily basis? It varies from individual to individual. Some have control where other's have zero control. It is all in one's kinks.

If he is unhappy as well he need's to reach out to other's to ask those questions. He may not feel it is right of you to be asking for him. Even though you are only asking out of desperation.
In his mind it may not be the sub's job. My dom would send me out on some wild goose hunt to find answer's. Although mine is not all.

There is also the possibility there is no consistancy because he is the dom and he doesn't want you to get too set into any single routine. It is his choice.
Doubtful from what you described...yet a very real possibility.

Communicate and communicate some more. Sometimes we feel we are communicating then a light goes on and we realize we were'nt at all.

(in reply to Phoenixandnika)

Profile

Post #: 4

RE: how do you gain consistancy? - 5/21/2005 9:24:54 AM

MrThorns

Posts: 919
Joined: 6/4/2004
Status: offline

I have to agree with Gloria on this, although I must admit that there is a lot of missing information here.

A lot of dominants feel as though they must "fit" into the stereotypical mold of what they think a dominant should be. There's nothing wrong with being a doom and gloom kind of dominant, but why do that if it completely compromises who you are?

My slave is my best friend. I can tell her anything, I don't feel a need to hide my mood from her and I don't feel as though I need to prove my dominance to her. I am just me....24/7. Some days I am the most Evil Rat Bastid you would ever care to meet, other days we just curl up on the couch together.

The consistency is that she always knows who I am.

~Thorns

_____________________________

~"Do you know what the chain of command is? Its the chain I beat ya with when ya don't follow my command."

"My inner child is a mean little fucker"

(in reply to sub4hire)

Profile

Post #: 5

RE: how do you gain consistancy? - 5/21/2005 9:53:48 AM

FangsNfeet

Posts: 3758
Joined: 12/3/2004
Status: offline

sounds like you need to go back to being yourself. As goes the old saying "If it ain't broke don't fix it"

So you're wearing a collar now. I'm sure he put it on you because of who you are and not who you are suppose to be. So take a step back, start over, and have a happy life together.

_____________________________

I'm Godzilla and you're Japan

(in reply to Phoenixandnika)

Profile

Post #: 6