RE: Submissive Questionaire (Full Version)

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juliaoceania -> RE: Submissive Questionaire (5/29/2007 9:03:39 AM)

When my former dominant introduced me to all this he told me to go and find out as much as I could by researching online and to talk to him about the questions I had. I found a list like this, and he thought it would be fun to go through it. It was not a heavy duty thing, nor did he rely on it to get to know me, but there were many things I had never heard of before and he was able to answer my questions about different sorts of play I had never even thought of before... it was educational for me really, and he used it for that.

I would agree with others here, if we had not had any sort of on going dialogue and that was thrust at me from the start I would probably not like it.

My Daddy did not use one... but he decides what is good for me to try anyways...lol



slaverosebeauty -> RE: Submissive Questionaire (5/29/2007 9:09:39 AM)

The reason for a questionaire is to get an idea about a person; likes, dislikes, curosities, what they have or have not done, what they enjoyed, didn't enjoy; its like everything else, its a tool. If you are looking for LTR or for marriage, you would want to know those things, its a way to get to know eachother.

Red flags would go up if someone did NOT want to see it after I offered it; what are they afraid of?? A few men have asked JUST for an abreviated list, with just [hard]limits and the ones that were '5's aka 'must haves.' Its a starting point.

I am NOT new {over 5 yrs off adn on of r/t plus years before that of readign and talking to others}, and using a checklist.playlist is right up there with SSC and safecalls, it shows that you're smart enough to want to get to know someone and that you want things to be 'right' and not just casual.



viperess -> RE: Submissive Questionaire (5/29/2007 10:40:12 AM)

Greetings PagerNY,

Many view questionaires differently. i for one never saw one until Master sent one to me before i came here. It was not used to see if He wanted me as He had already put me under consideration and was only waiting my arrival here. personally i am so very glad He did have me fill it out as it made me look at how i viewed many things i had done and also made me wonder about those i had not. It had me rate things from 1 to 5 as to my likings, also if it was something i did not like to explain why or to say if it was something i had not done in the past. If You would be interested in a copy of it You could message Him as i believe He would be more than happy to send You a link for it. After having been harmed by a couple Masters i was lerry of a few things but because of the list i was able to explain myself and He knew what things He would most likely need to move a little slower on so i would not fight and possiable harm myself. It has worked beautifully and i would suggest more to use a questionaire for that reason.
Respectfully,



Archer -> RE: Submissive Questionaire (5/29/2007 12:32:34 PM)

These lists are Communication Tools.
I am always shocked when I see people disparaging them when we all seem to advocate communication.
Someone uses a communication tool and automaticly they are thought of as being less than worthy?????

There is a disconnect here If communication is good, and a checklist is a tool for better communication then how can they be a bad thing????

Now I will admit that they are a tool and as such they can be used with varying degrees of skill.
Used as part of a braoder communication tactic/ method, the cheklists can be usefull.
Used as the entire communication method they leave a huge amount to be desired.



sublizzie -> RE: Submissive Questionaire (5/29/2007 12:53:06 PM)

I like them as a tool for communicating about what one likes or doesn't like about S&M activities. They work really well for that. But if one is looking for a long-term, D/s relationship they aren't the best beginning communication tool, IMO. I've filled them out before. I'm sure I will again. I doubt I would fill one out for someone who started their first or second communication with me by telling me to fill one out. That would mean, to me, that they were looking for a meet-and-beat and I don't do those. It would, however, communicate to me that we needed to communicate a little more on the end goal each of us had in mind.



eveningtwilight -> RE: Submissive Questionaire (5/29/2007 1:38:28 PM)

I'm feeling a bit bad for PagerNY. A simple question that led to a good amount of negetivity and critique. I don't think we can guess what he's thinking or planning based off of his 2 sentences. He may not even be intending to give it to anybody at all for all we know. Maybe he's getting sources for somebody else. He may even just want to use it as a conversation guide to make sure all the bases are covered. Nobody says you have to use numbers 0-5 as answers. A person can ask, "What do you think of _______".

He's new here, maybe we can all help him out in his quest and provide more resources. 

__________________________________________________
Scroll down a little to see the lists:

http://www.everything2.com/index.pl?node_id=652978

http://www.fire-runner.com/bdsmchecklist.htm

http://www.bdsmcircle.net/dslifestyle/checklist.htm

(you can do a google search for: bdsm check list)


Hope you find what you are looking for.








Mercnbeth -> RE: Submissive Questionnaire (5/29/2007 2:20:03 PM)

quote:

I like them as a tool for communicating about what one likes or doesn't like about S&M activities.
No they don't and if you think they do it can qualify, or worse disqualify, a person based upon false information.

I've seen many of these, considered them for many of the positive reasons cited, but the bottom line is words, especially written words, are the least effective method of communication regarding qualitative experiences. Something as basic as spanking can mean anything from OTK, to the use of implements. Tell someone you like bondage and one person envisions shibari and the other steel manacles. Add the difference between what one individual considers "light" and another feels "abusive" and you can match up 100% on the questionnaire and come away disappointed from your first meeting.

Here's what I found to be an effective questionnaire list for someone you contact or contacts you from a BDSM dating site:
  • What do I need to provide for you to feel safe meeting me?
  • Where do you want to meet?
  • What time will you be there?

You're meeting at a "lifestyle" dating site. Its assumed you either want, or have, desires associated with the activities discussed on the site. If you are honest of your age and gender meeting should be a common goal. Having stated in your profile your desire to meet like minded people to form a relationship you should try to get to that point as quickly as possible. Putting up hurdles and road-blocks like having compatible questionnaires, become rationalizations to avoid your goal.

All "adult" qualifiers apply regarding safety issues; but why invest any emotion, time, or energy that is not focused to the goal of meeting? Once you meet, and talk and validate the person's gender, age, and marital status, the questionnaires can be a nice short cut to opening up to each other if/when you both get to being comfortable doing so.

lizzie, I only used your quote to make a point and not to criticize you or your thoughts.



akisha -> RE: Submissive Questionaire (5/29/2007 7:20:39 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: bandit25

I think GS is correct.  Although those lists may seem helpful and, in fact, sometimes are, you may not want to approach a submissive with one until after you've established some sort of rapport. 


I agree with bandit. Any Dom that asks me to fill out a questionaire before he knows me would get a "thanks but no thanks please move on" from me.

My former Dom had me fill one out after we had been seeing each other for a while, so that he could see the things I was curious about and things I would have a serious hard time with. He knew most of them from our conversations but the checklist / questionaire was there for him to refer back to so that he could plan session that might give me or us the chance to experience something on the 'I'm curious" side of things while avoiding the " Not a Frickin chance" things.  It was also useful in the way that things I was afraid of could be brushed on in a non threatening way.



DiurnalVampire -> RE: Submissive Questionaire (5/29/2007 7:31:49 PM)

The trick witha  quesionairre or list is timing. If it is before you have met, or at least talked and you are sure you want to meet, then it can be used to try and impress a prospective. In that case, it might as wel never be used, since the answers cant realy be trusted. I use them when working with a newcomer, and we do them together. I have nothing to weigh in on playing with someone more seasoned, whether I would or wouldnt becasue I have never had  apartner with significant experience. I did not use a list with Angel, becasue our conversations pretty much went through everything he wanted to explore, and everything I was interested in.
Sometimes, someone needs a kickstart becasue they are shy about discussion of likes and dislikes. Or they are concerned they dont know enough terminology to know how to ask for what they want. That is when these can be useful. I agree with the others, later is better.

DV



Archer -> RE: Submissive Questionaire (5/29/2007 9:43:12 PM)

You know I don't think I have ever seen anyone even attempt to use the list as the total communication about what they like or don't like what works or doesn;t work for them. (not saying it doesn't happen just that I've never actually seen it)

They at best are a skeleton framwork providing a framework for a conversation to build on.
Seeing a 5 under spanking tells you they feel strongly about them and that's about all it tells you directly, however it does clue you in that the subject of spanking is a place you certainly need to talk about and flesh out a further understanding.
" OK you list Spanking as a 5, what is it about spanking that you like? what about the aspects of speed or time between blows.
When you speak about spankings are you more interested in the physical sensations of a spanking or the emotional aspects , OTK, Bent over a desk does spanking need to be accompanied by a roleplay scenareo for it to be good for you, ...

Of course the discussion can cover the same ground and be much more fun and interesting if you adjust your tone and make the questions leading and sexy.

ie ( So how would you expect to react if I took you over my knee raised your skirt lowered your panties and applied 5 or 6 hard slap type swats to your bottom? How about if I bent you over the chair instead of over my lap, would the coldness of the chair increase your mental processing as erotic or decrease it? Would the closeness of OTK make you more concious of being exposed or less than if bent over the chair?)

Strong responses either direction good or bad need extensive discussion Mild responses can be shorter and delayed in the  discussion longer.

The lists do not make then entire communication but they do like any checklist make it easy to be sure you have covered all the things you wanted to be sure you discussed.



MzMia -> RE: Submissive Questionaire (5/29/2007 9:53:29 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: Archer

You know I don't think I have ever seen anyone even attempt to use the list as the total communication about what they like or don't like what works or doesn;t work for them. (not saying it doesn't happen just that I've never actually seen it)

They at best are a skeleton framwork providing a framework for a conversation to build on.
Seeing a 5 under spanking tells you they feel strongly about them and that's about all it tells you directly, however it does clue you in that the subject of spanking is a place you certainly need to talk about and flesh out a further understanding.
" OK you list Spanking as a 5, what is it about spanking that you like? what about the aspects of speed or time between blows.
When you speak about spankings are you more interested in the physical sensations of a spanking or the emotional aspects , OTK, Bent over a desk does spanking need to be accompanied by a roleplay scenareo for it to be good for you, ...

Of course the discussion can cover the same ground and be much more fun and interesting if you adjust your tone and make the questions leading and sexy.

ie ( So how would you expect to react if I took you over my knee raised your skirt lowered your panties and applied 5 or 6 hard slap type swats to your bottom? How about if I bent you over the chair instead of over my lap, would the coldness of the chair increase your mental processing as erotic or decrease it? Would the closeness of OTK make you more concious of being exposed or less than if bent over the chair?)

Strong responses either direction good or bad need extensive discussion Mild responses can be shorter and delayed in the  discussion longer.

The lists do not make then entire communication but they do like any checklist make it easy to be sure you have covered all the things you wanted to be sure you discussed.



I agree with Archer here.
Now, here is a twist.
I developed my own personal, standard  questions that I wrote
last summer.
It is tailored to what are deal breakers for me, I have it saved on my computer,
and I have "potential" submissives answer the questions before we proceed.
It only takes about 5-10 minutes to answer the short questions, and it lets me know
IMMEDIATELY, if we need to proceed.
This eliminates about 7 out of 10 usually, and it saves us both time.



Elorin -> RE: Submissive Questionaire (5/29/2007 10:30:40 PM)

http://www.thebrc.net/check_list/default.htm

Can have it e-mailed to yourself or to others.

I enjoy having a sub read a checklist and tell me everything they don't recognize on the list. That gives me a rough estimate of their knowledge base, and we can talk about those items and educate them.
I also like a printed out version to be filled out thus: hard limits have a red line drawn through them. Things they have done are highlighted in yellow. Things they want to try are highlighted in green. Things they did and don't ever want to do again get a red x  over the beginning of the yellow highlighted line.

Then we talk about it, and I let them know if anything they really really like or want to try is a hard limit for me. I don't think I'm going to learn the end all and be all of their preferences, but I am going to have something I can easily glance at and say "hey, let's try X tonight" or plan a scene. Quick reference is a handy thing.



SirDominic -> RE: Submissive Questionnaire (5/30/2007 6:55:04 AM)

Archer said:
These lists are Communication Tools.
There is a disconnect here If communication is good, and a checklist is a tool for better communication then how can they be a bad thing????
Used as part of a braoder communication tactic/ method, the cheklists can be usefull.

Couldn't have said it better. As one tool amongst many, it is very effective. No-one has suggested this be the ONLY tool. Nor has anyone suggested, as some keep harping on, that it be used the moment you meet someone.

Merc, the qualitative aspect you are talking about, comes naturally in actual discussion as the two people involved talk about how the list was filled out. Used properly, putting up "hurdles and roadblocks" is the last thing this tool does.

That said, everyone has their own way of doing things; whatever works for them, as long as they DO have a method that works. I have found the checklists to be such an excellent springboard to deep discussions about wants and needs that I never go into a relationship without it. It works for me.

Namaste, Dominic



velvetears -> RE: Submissive Questionnaire (5/31/2007 8:24:07 AM)

i wouldn't want to fill one out at first talking to someone over the internet because as far as i am concerned its really none of  his business to get that personal with me.  If we met and decided to take things to a new level a list wouldn't throw me off as long as it wasn't used against me - for instance - if i put a 3 to something i never tried but thought i would pretty much like, i would not want that to be held against me if i said, well we tried it and i changed my mind, it's now a 1 or possibly was so traumatic that it became a hard limit. 

The last on that list someone linked was zippers - what are zippers?



slaverosebeauty -> RE: Submissive Questionaire (5/31/2007 9:23:20 AM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: DiurnalVampire

The trick witha  quesionairre or list is timing. If it is before you have met, or at least talked and you are sure you want to meet, then it can be used to try and impress a prospective. In that case, it might as wel never be used, since the answers cant realy be trusted. I use them when working with a newcomer, and we do them together. I have nothing to weigh in on playing with someone more seasoned, whether I would or wouldnt becasue I have never had  apartner with significant experience. I did not use a list with Angel, becasue our conversations pretty much went through everything he wanted to explore, and everything I was interested in.
Sometimes, someone needs a kickstart becasue they are shy about discussion of likes and dislikes. Or they are concerned they dont know enough terminology to know how to ask for what they want. That is when these can be useful. I agree with the others, later is better.

DV


Bingo, DV wins a cookie, at least from me. Timing is EVERYTHING, as well as what its being used for, if its a way to get to know another person, thats fine, if its a scare tactic or a way to get pesonal info for uncouth things, thats henius.

I offered my questionare and DV asked for a copy, she was nice enough to also ask if she could modify it {it states you can't unless you ask for persomission, etc since it is still my private one and not up for public, yet}, she an I emailed a bit, and the consensus with us and with others I have spoken with off board is that, its a way to see where each person is and what they like, don't like, are curious about, limits, etc. Its a tool.

Honestly, if a potential partner did NOT want to see my checklist or was not open to going over things, I would run, far far away and NOT come back. Its a BIG Red Flag for me. It shows lack of concern and responsibility. The checklist I use, has room next to each item so any notes or concerns can be put next to a given item, as well as it has a few questions at the bottom. Its a place to start and a place to go from. Its not a contract or like that, its one way to get to know a potential partner, besides, some people are shy about saying they like or are curious about certain things, and thats a good way to break the ice.

My offer still stands if anyone would like a copy, its in a word doc; I might be able to get it as PDF soon, just not at the moment.



slaveluci -> RE: Submissive Questionnaire (5/31/2007 10:01:21 AM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: velvetears
The last on that list someone linked was zippers - what are zippers?
You know....those metal things you pull up to close your fly[;)].  No, the ones i've seen done involve pinning lots and lots of clothespins onto someone's body and then, by using a string run through them, pull them off one right after the other (kind of like pushing a domino and then the rest subsequently falling).  You pull the string and they begin to pop off one right after another in one long (torturous) rip[;)].  For clothespins lovers, it's a delight...slave luci



velvetears -> RE: Submissive Questionnaire (5/31/2007 11:05:38 AM)

Ahhhh thanks slaveluci - i thought it might have had something to do with needles and making some sort of body art thingie lol....[:)]



Archer -> RE: Submissive Questionnaire (5/31/2007 11:22:17 AM)

They also use the term zipper for needles done the same way, removed in sequence using a string,
but the most common zipper is clothespins.



Arastella -> RE: Submissive Questionaire (5/31/2007 12:36:38 PM)

Yeah usually the doms themselves have those.



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