RE: how to deal with the aftermath?

RE: how to deal with the aftermath? (Full Version)

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Copulo -> RE: how to deal with the aftermath? (5/31/2007 5:23:18 AM)
Spilling the beans (as we say in the UK) can hit incredibly dodgy grounds How will this person react? How will this person cope? How will you react to his reaction? Its all hugely sensitive and it could well backfire in the most traumatic of ways. I know you were not looking for a sympathetic or disgusted reaction but one of understanding. I do understand you and why you felt the need to say what you said and when and why you said it and how you now regret saying it to this particular person. I agree with a lot of what has been said in these posts and I don’t think you should take them so personally because if you do then those comments will hurt you deeply. we don’t know all about what happened to you or if your abuse was worse than others but abuse is abuse and the only comparisons we can make are from those who have been affected more or less deeply by what happened to them. What mistoferen said about triggers is so important in a situation like this because triggers are not just something that can happen within a scene but something that can and do happen from revealing yourself. Octavia made some really good points and I felt she was reaching out to not only you but to the many people on these boards that have been abused. Lucky Albatross said about a ‘solid foundation’ and I think this is crucial because without that you are leaving yourself highly vulnerable, as you did in this case.

subsfaith -> RE: how to deal with the aftermath? (5/31/2007 6:26:39 AM)
ceildlh, It is always difficult to raise such deep issues with anyone new, and your questions were valid, however I don't believe there is one right answer to cover all. The person you told is an individual and everyone is different, everyone will prefer to receive information in thier own way, and also everyone deals information differently. What a shame that someone gave you a reaction you didn't like. That, I am afraid is just life. The moment we speak in public, either one-to-one, or in larger groups like this, we are putting out information, we are inviting people to judge that information and at times asking them to comment on it. You asked specific questions in your OP, you invited a response. You asked for advice. However, for someone to give advice they must first make a judgement on the facts provided. Those people that posted with something you didn't like got blasted. This is a public forum, you can pick which advice you think you is appropriate, and ignore advice you don't like. If you don't want to hear answers that aren't to your liking, don't ask the question in the first place. It is not appropriate to say 'only answer if you agree with me'. So twice now you have demostrated a negative response to people giving you their opinions which you haven't agreed with, which leads me to think this issue is about something entirely different than what you actually realise it is. Food for thought. Faith :: smiles ::

LuckyAlbatross -> RE: how to deal with the aftermath? (5/31/2007 7:26:09 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: octavia you put him on ignore, that imho, suggests that you are not "over it" That's not how I followed it. If someone says something I find terribly disgusting and personally offensive, I just stop communicating with them (if I really like them, I might explain why). Of course it's really hard to disgust and offend me so this hardly ever happens- but that doesn't mean I'm not "over" something. I'm under no human obligation to have conversatios with someone just because they are there and talking. I choose who and what I talk about. I think it's far more an issue of really wanting to feel connected to someone and share the burden, not having the perspective to realize when it's a good time to share and when not, and having to deal with the blowback from that. And I'm not sure why judgements are so wrong? How else are we to give reasonable and fair advice if we don't make at least some preliminary judgements about the situation? Unless she just wanted pats on the head and "It's ok" from everyone? I wonder how many times subs end up crying over lost internet doms not because the dom really did anything wrong, but because the sub reached out far too fast and furious and burned it out?

MagiksSlave -> RE: how to deal with the aftermath? (5/31/2007 10:34:16 AM)
I went through the same thing befor Master.. had Doms telling me that it was so hot or errotic or whatever.. and I wanted to know what about a 5 year old beeing sexualy abused was hot... im sorry but it sickend me that peoople would think like that.. that a 5 yo beeing abused was hot but not only that that the pain I was in was nothing because that act was errotic so why should I feel pain over it!! Yeah droped them all like hot potatoes. If you want to talk or know more or just someone to lean on you can message me on the other side. Magik's slave

LafayetteLady -> RE: how to deal with the aftermath? (5/31/2007 3:08:24 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: ceildlh LL> I hesitate to even do this. But what the hell. I am not back in the Lifestyle because i want to relive my abusive past. I think you prove my point about those that judge others when You make a wide-sweeping generalization based solely on a few posts or my profile. I'm sorry but I don't remember seeing an MD or PHD or MSW beside your name that told other users here that you know what you speak of. What you did was gave Your inacurate opinion of something that is incorrect. Anytime in my life that I felt that my past was becoming an issue, and that means the 8 years as a child that i suffered at the hands of family members and their own brand of "love" When I was raped in college. The year my mother died. An the abortion I had. Any of the times those issues start to become something that starts to control me in any way... and i go back into therapy. I know Survivors who seek out abusive situations everyday... it's not a pretty sight for them. You can see it, in their very souls when you speak with them. But you think this is me, because I was not complacent and got pissed off and angry? Hmm, you should spend an 20 minutes with my last therapist who thinks as Survivors we should get "angry" more. Stop being so complacent. Stop sitting by and letting things happen to us, around us. I admited to him that perhaps between my uncles brand of "love" and my fathers "parenting skills" maybe some part of me had learned a bit about being submissive early on in life. But as my therapist and i worked through things, I realized that I was not a submissive solely because of my past. But that my submissiveness had survived despite my past. I might not have survived at all. But I conquered what happened to myself in my childhood, Surviving it... becoming a warrior. Its what feel about ourselves when we move past sheer Survival mode. And before you ask... Yes I have a Bachelor of Science in Psychology. Concentration in Counseling. I work with other Survivors/Warriors from Abuse. If y'all will excuse me now, i have a story to finish editing before i can submit it. Octavia> I apologize for my rude behavior. ~blessed be My profile here is not the proper place to list such credentials. Yes, I read your profile, and read your posts. As many others have mentioned, advice is given based on the information available. For all we know, this man could have said "I'm very sorry that happened to you, but I do have some'daddy" fantasies of my own" and you flew off the handle, and not wrongfully so as it would have been pretty insensitive of him. HOWEVER, your profile, your posts, are all indicative of someone still having some serious issues that they have not dealt with or gotten under control. The phrase, "Doctor, heal thyself" comes to mind as you felt a need to list your credentials of your own background in counseling. Granted, I am not a dominant, but I can't imagine that if I were, I would want to be in a relationship with a submissive whose issues apparently, from what we see here, might cause her to snap at a moment's notice. You seek a dominant to work with "ALL of you". Perhaps in your quest, you should make sure he has that MD, PhD or MSW next to his title because otherwise, he is certainly not equipped to work with ALL of you, nor should you expect him to be. Does that sound harsh? Most likely. Is it likely to cause you to fly off the handle again? Probably. Sometimes in therapy, the patient needs a good old dose of reality. You got some, you didn't like it. Yes, what you suffered was horrible, and no child should ever be subject to such things. But when multiple people, who are only able to base their opinion on what you present to them tell you that you still have some issues, it is time to do some self evaluation and get back into therapy. The majority of people on this board do not come here in the hope of insulting someone, making them feel like crap or anything else. But the majority of the people who post here are brutally honest about what they see presented to them. It is a blessing and a curse, but if you aren't able to deal with it, perhaps you shouldn't post here. But then again, you seem to think advice to you would properly be given by someone with the proper background yet don't think you need therapy because you are involved in counseling others. Can't really tell you much other than I stand by my original post, as well as this one and say you need to get BACK into therapy because your issues are still clearly not completed, and yes, I do have enough of a background to say it. Do with it what you will.

Areflectionofyou -> RE: how to deal with the aftermath? (5/31/2007 3:56:29 PM)
Bottom line is...honesty is always the best policy

Indemnis -> RE: how to deal with the aftermath? (6/1/2007 2:13:54 PM)
Play rape and such is one thing, when it is enjoyable and consensual, when both parties enjoy it... I agree with Lashra there... anyone who thinks the true horrors of your past is 'fun and erotic' is a sicko. Maybe he was trying to show he supported you, but even then if he goes about it like that, chances are he's a git... you did the right thing hon

sireninchains -> RE: how to deal with the aftermath? (6/1/2007 6:26:32 PM)
I do agree with Lashra as well, and I am sorry to the OP that she has brought such a sensitive subject to the boards and is having such a hard time of it. Just because something happened so long ago does not make it easier to get over, or forget. And it does not mean it leaves less damage by any means. Abuse and trauma, of any kind, not just sexual, that happen in the psychologically child years, 12 or before, leave an incredibly lasting impression on the mind throughout ones lifetime. That being said, it can be much harder to get over these events in their entirety and her bringing it up to a prospective Dom before jumping headfirst into a relationship with him may be the best choice. -siren

stella40 -> RE: how to deal with the aftermath? (6/1/2007 9:54:43 PM)
Hello ceildlh Hmm. I can only offer you advice on the basis of my parallel experience as a TS female. It's not the same or even similar but it throws up very similar challenges or problems when it comes to relationships - the question of acceptance of you as a person, of how you are perceived by the other person, and issues such as support, understanding, and handling certain key issues. The only maxim is different strokes for different folks, as you yourself have written. Whenever you are developing a new relationship and choosing to reveal very private and intimate information about yourself you are walking into a minefield and there's no way of predicting or being able to anticipate how someone will react. Human nature, I guess, we all have issues, prejudices, preferences, likes and dislikes, and people generally understand you in terms of their own intelligence. You don't want to advertise it or wear it like some sort of label because that will only cause people to judge you or want to get to know you for the wrong reasons. But then do you hold back and wait until the very last minute before opening up and risk being accused of dishonesty and deception, not to mention the rejection and loss of what might have developed into a successful, happy relationship? I personally have a belief that if someone truly accepts me for who I really am then they will accept what I have to tell them and take it on board, they will also understand that it will have taken me time to develop trust and confidence in them and it won't be an issue. I cannot help being who I am, and you cannot go back into the past and change it, it's part of who you are and part of your life. It comes with the whole deal, and whoever cannot or doesn't want to accept it 'as is' cannot accept you as a person. Believing in yourself and accepting you for who you really are is the key. I have only read what you have posted in the thread and I'm sure that this is only the tip of the iceberg, but I'm equally sure that your experiences don't make you any less of a person than someone else, it certainly doesn't devalue your feelings or what feelings or love you have to offer. Though it must have been traumatic and an ordeal (not having been in your situation I can only speculate and make assumptions on the basis of what I have read) but it will have also made you a stronger, better person in some way. Adversity is excellent for developing character. But to deal with the aftermath? Life is short, very short. It's usually too short to worry about the opinions and feelings of people who prejudge you and don't accept you, or to spend excessive time worrying what might have been. Far better to spend time with the people who accept you for who you really are, including your past (and rest assured that everyone, EVERYONE in their 30's or older has a past). If people reject you for things you cannot change about you or your life, move on, let go, it isn't important and neither are their feelings or opinions. Seek out and be with those who really accept you. And there are such people, it just takes time and effort to find them. It won't always be easy... you have feelings (otherwise you wouldn't have posted on such a topic) some people will hit the sensitive spots and you will be hurt and upset... such is life. But remember being hurt and upset means also being vulnerable and being vulnerable means being willing and able to make someone happy and feel loved. But like I say please remember that whatever happened doesn't make you any less of a person to any Dom or to anyone else for that matter, trust yourself and your judgement and believe in yourself. Finding the right Dominant is a bit like hitchhiking. As a hitchhiker you know where you want to get to. As a submissive you know who you need in a Dominant. But as a hitchhiker it rarely works out as you planned, it may take a while longer than you anticipated, it may take one ride, it may take three or four but be sure that eventually, eventually you will reach your destination in the end. So too as a submissive, it rarely works out as you expect, and it might take two or three Doms before you find the right Dom. Hold out, keep believing, he'll find you or you him in the end. Trust me. I wish you well and the very best of luck. Stella

grlneedstolearn -> RE: how to deal with the aftermath? (6/2/2007 8:46:35 PM)
Frist off congrats on being a survivor, i was also, i guess you could say abused by two older guys. But anyways, i told my Dom about it very vaguely the 2nd time we met. But he has never pushed me to say anything about it, and 4 months later i finally spilled all of it to him. If he wants to replay your past and you say no and he doesn't agree leave. Like with my Dom, about a week ago we started exploring my past and learning new ways to get over it, so far so good (knock on wood). Yea before i had flashbacks and would shut down and shut him out, but now i feel more comfortable with him and i know that i can tell him just about everything. Best of luck

Celeste43 -> RE: how to deal with the aftermath? (6/3/2007 10:43:55 AM)
He said something that offended you. Be grateful that you learned early on that you aren't compatible. Educate him if you care to by sending him to a site that talks honestly about what this trauma does to a person. Then wish him good luck and good bye. But honestly, if someone saying something that offends you brings up flashbacks or otherwise causes you to stop functioning for more than a minute or two then you aren't sufficiently over it. You will read books, watch movies, hear music lyrics that you will interpret as offensive. If your response is to become nonfunctioning and needing aftercare, then you need more therapy. And sometimes there is no getting over it, you might find that you need to attend a group therapy meeting once weekly or monthly. Or even just a survivors weekend yearly to help keep yourself as healthy and functional as possible. And there's nothing wrong if you do need this.

slaveish -> RE: how to deal with the aftermath? (6/4/2007 6:51:15 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: ceildlh LL> I hesitate to even do this. But what the hell. I am not back in the Lifestyle because i want to relive my abusive past. I think you prove my point about those that judge others when You make a wide-sweeping generalization based solely on a few posts or my profile. I'm sorry but I don't remember seeing an MD or PHD or MSW beside your name that told other users here that you know what you speak of. What you did was gave Your inacurate opinion of something that is incorrect. I am sorry that you suffered abuse. Many of us have - it is not a condition that rests solely on your shoulders. You gave limited information, asked for advice, but they way I read the subsequent posts from others and your reactions to them, I am reminded of the old adage "Make sure you want what you're asking for because you might just get it." I cannot imagine that anyone is happy that you suffered absue at an early age; however, we all have opinions and were invited to offer advice, regardless of if we agree with you. It is unfortunate that some of the responses set you off in a bad direction. This wasn't even a thread that was filled with personal attack - I did not see a single instance of someone being snarky or rude. Well. ~ahem~ From other responders. Keep in mind that just because we aren't all patting your back and murmuring sympathies means that we wish you unwell. It means that we are communicating what we believe to be true, at least for ourselves. In therapy, I find that the things that make me the angriest and felt the most untrue are the things I actually need to inspect more closely. If something is ~that~ painful and that ire-producing, there is a wound that needs attention. I wish you well in your life's journey, whatever paths you take.

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