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how to deal with the aftermath? - 5/30/2007 4:50:27 PM

ceildlh

Posts: 7
Joined: 5/4/2007
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i have recently spoken with a someone whom i had been speaking for awhile and thought that it might be good to give Him all the details about my past (my history of being abused, of being a survivor) and i had explained that it would be His choice of course if He wanted to continue further discussion with me. i just hoped that if He decided that He did not, that He tell me upfront, so i was not left wondering. i had hinted at it before, just not really given the details of it right away, wanted to give Him the chance to get to know me a little first and vice versa before deciding if i felt safe enough to even share.
and i did safe enough to share... and after i did... he told me that it was "fun and erotic" and a few other things... which i had not been expecting, honestly.

i have heard many things, from Doms/Masters on here... disgust, anger, frustration... but rarely that. i freaked out... telling him that i was sorry, but that i could not continue chatting with Him, and then set Him to my ignore list.

but i don't know what to do. know different strokes, for different folks. but i was only 6 when the abuse started, it was forced on me... it wasnt fun or erotic. nothing about those 8 years was fun. but i dont know what i should do about my past either, its important that any Dom i work with, know about it... but short of putting a synopsis in my journal that covers a basic bit of the whole sordid mess... how do i continue to deal with finding the right time to tell a Dom? and how should i deal with comments like that or ones where the Dom wants to then role play parts of my past even though i say no.

help please?

Post #: 1

RE: how to deal with the aftermath? - 5/30/2007 4:54:46 PM

janigrey

Posts: 126
Joined: 5/7/2007
Status: offline

I think - when ever you are comfortable telling them - that is the best time. Its a good idea to tell them after they've had some time to get to know you - because starting with that information is quite frankly make you sound nutty. Have you dealt with the issues of the abuse with a counselor? That would be my first question as a Dom - after you disclosed this information... (( me the submissive is hoping you have)). If they choose to not continue with you - better then - then after years have been invested in the relationship. People are people - there are good and not so good in the vanilla world and the kink world. Have patience.
Be brave...

jani

(in reply to ceildlh)

Post #: 2

RE: how to deal with the aftermath? - 5/30/2007 5:05:25 PM

ceildlh

Posts: 7
Joined: 5/4/2007
Status: offline

Yes i have been in years of therapy... and have dealt with all of the issues. And yes, if They don't want to continue, i understand. i have no problem with that. i just honestly, hadnt expected tonights response. it made everything feel like he had somehow "gotten off" or something the way he worded it. and although he said he had not done that... it was too late for me. the fact taht he said he would want to explorer all the issues with someone who wanted to have those experiences was not something,l i could personally deal with. not now, not ever. and no maount of therapy will ever change that.

(in reply to janigrey)

Post #: 3

RE: how to deal with the aftermath? - 5/30/2007 5:11:52 PM

Lashra

Posts: 4900
Joined: 2/9/2006
Status: offline

You did the right thing, anyone who thinks abuse is "fun and erotic" is a sicko and your much better off without them. As a Domme I can appreciate a submissive who is up front about any prior abuse that they may have gone through. However I would make sure that you know this person pretty well so that you don't end up getting answers like you did from that moron.

Good luck,
~Lashra

_____________________________

“We can never judge the lives of others, because each person knows only their own pain and renunciation. It's one thing to feel that you are on the right path, but it's another to think that yours is the only path.”

(in reply to ceildlh)

Post #: 4

RE: how to deal with the aftermath? - 5/30/2007 5:50:28 PM

Zippo1

Posts: 4
Joined: 2/23/2007
Status: offline

I'm truly sorry that you had to endure that as an innocent child. I too appreciate when a sub is up front with me about past abuse, or bad experences. When is the right time to tell them, simple, when you decide you trust them enough to know how they will react. I too believe in different strokes for different folks, but sick is sick. He probably enjoys torturing puppies as well. As far as dealing with comments like that, they are not worth your time. They have the problem not you. Look past the ignornance you find and give it the attention it deserves...None.

(in reply to Lashra)

Post #: 5

RE: how to deal with the aftermath? - 5/30/2007 6:02:00 PM

burningdesires47

Posts: 120
Joined: 2/22/2007
Status: offline

I'm pretty up front about my abuse from the get-go. I have come to terms with it, and understand the complexities. I know exactly what the triggers are of the PTSD, and how to avoid them. I have my hard limits, I have my reasons for them, if they want to know the details they can ask.

I have some physical limits to, so I get the quick and dirty out of the way pretty quickly. If they're looking for an easy mark, someone who has no or few limits, then that's not me. If they're up for the challenge, the simple fact that they're willing to try and to work with me garners them a great deal of respect and trust from the get-go.

It's more difficult if you're still learning what can trigger memories of abuse. If it's still a very sensitive subject with you, I would say to do as you have--hint at it, and then reveal details as you're ready.

It's going to narrow down the field of potential Doms significantly. But the ones who are willing to work with and around the emotional scars are worth waiting for, IMO.

(in reply to Zippo1)

Post #: 6

RE: how to deal with the aftermath? - 5/30/2007 6:11:26 PM

LuckyAlbatross

Posts: 19224
Joined: 10/25/2005
Status: offline

FR

Well I guess I'm ok with being a sicko and a lot of other people I know. If you think THAT is sicko, you really don't want to know what else goes on in my mind.

Frankly, I don't think people should talk about their abusive situations if it is an intense emotional experience for them UNTIL they have established a secure intense emotional bond to cover it. Why spill yourself so openly when you KNOW there isn't a solid foundation to fall onto?

If what he said squicks you out (which it seems it did) then you just say that it squicks you and that you made a mistake in going too far too fast and aren't interested in talking anymore.

YOu seem to be very caught up in the "I'm the passive helpless sub" idea here. This is a give and take, a guy you just started talking to doesn't suddenly get to dictate what gets talked about and what doesn't and you don't have to take orders from someone unless you've agreed to it.

And while part of your mind might REALLY REALLY WANT to just give in and follow orders from a stranger, you can already see where the path leads when you don't make sure there's some solid ground to work on first.

_____________________________

Find stable partners, not a stable of partners.

"Sometimes my whore logic gets all fuzzy"- Californication

(in reply to burningdesires47)

Post #: 7

RE: how to deal with the aftermath? - 5/30/2007 6:12:44 PM

sophia37

Posts: 1433
Joined: 2/7/2006
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my guess is you brought it up too soon with this particular person. Its interesting to me that you've been in therapy for a while. Mainly because, in therapy, you become in a sense, used to saying stuff about yourself. It doesnt shock you to hear yourself talk. It actually can bring you self awareness and maybe in a way, comfort.

But for those people who are not in therapy, they may not be used to having such issues brought out in the open right at the start of a new relationship. I know that would make me uncomfortable for sure. Had you told me about your childhood abuse right at the start of our relationship, I might think twice about the rate we were going with it. Its obviously an issue with you and Im not sure Im willing to take up with a person who seems to be actively dealing with past abuse issues. Not that I dont have my own issues. Im not saying Im better than you. Im saying I would feel like you need to work some things out a bit more before you take them up with people you just meet.

I mean no disprespect by my statement at all. Everyone has their own tolerance levels. Im just thinking Id rather be talking about other things and have the fine details of a person life revealed a little at a time over a long period of time. Like as in the first year. Not the first month. Does this make sense to you? I hope you dont take offense to what Im saying.

(in reply to burningdesires47)

Post #: 8

RE: how to deal with the aftermath? - 5/30/2007 7:08:35 PM

ceildlh

Posts: 7
Joined: 5/4/2007
Status: offline

i understand what you're saying sophia but i cannot wait a year till i tell a perspective Dom that there are issues in my past that He should be aware of. Nor can I wait that long to tell Him about limits i have or about any of the other iussues.

Its not like i only knew this guy a week and i brought it up. yes what he said and suggest disgusted me. i am not going into details, because there is no reason to here, but, it did.

i had thought perhaps in the beginning i should explain everything upfront, the past.. i dont have a problem talking about it. its been years and years ago. and yes i know my triggers. both physical and emotional and the rest. and i just wasnt sure that would be the best course of action to take it to them that quick.

i appreciate everyone who responded. ~blessed be

(in reply to sophia37)

Post #: 9

RE: how to deal with the aftermath? - 5/30/2007 7:34:51 PM

adoracat

Posts: 1779
Joined: 2/16/2007
Status: offline

i've been raped, abused at the hands of "loved ones", beaten, broken bones, the whole of it. this makes me difficult. i know that. i have health issues. that makes me difficult. i know that, too.

i've had a dominant get off on the idea of me having been abused. i dont speak to him anymore.

i state clearly that i'm difficult due to health and past abuse issues. thats all the information needed in the begining, as far as i am concerned. when Sir and i got to the point of "is this going beyond us being friendly, and are we going to see where this goes, actively pursue a relationship" then yes, i told him my story. i didnt like to, but i have PTSD issues, and even in his knowing, and his caring VERY much for me/being careful he's triggered me a couple of times.

once you get into the area of being physical of any type, yes, it needs to be discussed in depth. otherwise, a very brief mention and the promise that it can/will be discussed when it is pertinent is enough.

kitten, whose poor Sir had to deal with two pseudo-seizures brought on by sensory overload one night....and KNEW how to do so.

(in reply to ceildlh)

Post #: 10

RE: how to deal with the aftermath? - 5/30/2007 10:16:22 PM

spanklette

Posts: 882
Joined: 2/22/2005
Status: offline

I am wondering what kind of response you were looking for. His response to your information was obviously not the response...so what would have been a correct response, in your mind?

I think maybe I'm a tad jaded by the abused submissives who expect a Dominant to be a knight in shining aromor and protect them from their past. Mostly, you have to understand that I've met plenty of drama queen submissives who use the past as a battering ram. So, please, don't take my question as malicious...just curious.

_____________________________

~spanklette~

"The important thing is this: to be able at any moment to sacrifice what we are for what we could become. " Charles du Bois

"Please don't shout, can't you see I'm not listening." Billie Myers

(in reply to ceildlh)

Post #: 11

RE: how to deal with the aftermath? - 5/30/2007 10:27:31 PM

ceildlh

Posts: 7
Joined: 5/4/2007
Status: offline

i've never used my past as weapon against anyone. but i do understand your question i guess. i suppose i had expected a response that was in no way sexual. even if i had gotten something else, disgust... i could have lived with that. as i have received that before.

i doent look at my past and see something that i want to repeat. i dont want to test limits with it or role play sections of it. or any thing else. and yes i get the fact that i cant expect others to understand how i feel because i dont.

i've gotten wha i needed from this... thread, thank you all again. i'll be more careful in the future. I do try to learn from my mistakes.

(in reply to spanklette)

Post #: 12

RE: how to deal with the aftermath? - 5/30/2007 10:48:08 PM

octavia

Posts: 377
Joined: 5/20/2007
Status: offline

I know your trying to end the thread but feel I have something worthwile to contribute, so im gonna anyway.

You talked about having an adverse reaction to his reaction initially, you put him on ignore, that imho, suggests that you are not "over it" Many many abuse survivors spend years and years and bucko bucks trying to deal with and get past issues from childhood. I am very familiar with this ground so am not speaking out of thin air here. I just want to suggest that maybe you could explore some other ways to find closure. I can tell you from experience that freedom from all those triggers is blessed and worth the work. For me, years and years of therapy left me still feeling worthless, confused, depressed, and rejected. I used a type of therapy called emdr to do my work and it has been miraculous.(for me) I am not a wreck of withering feelings at the first sign of a trigger. I no longer feel compelled to put myself in nutso situations trying to fix things, and very bery best of all.. I have learned to not only accept my twisted, lovely, perverted sexuality, I'm embracing it.

It wasn't until I was able to clearly see the abuse for what it was and what effect it really had on me.. that i was able to truly let it go. Now, the only reason i would feel a need to bring it up is in a venue like this one, to possibly offer help to others on the same path. There is no real need for me to bring it up to a Dom.
For me it would be like saying "oh yeah, and when I was five I was in a car accident. Broke my toe if i remember right, darn thing still wiggles a bit when i pivot right..."

again, just my experience.
with love,
octavia

(in reply to ceildlh)

Post #: 13

RE: how to deal with the aftermath? - 5/30/2007 11:05:35 PM

ceildlh

Posts: 7
Joined: 5/4/2007
Status: offline

Octavia> I am happy for you that the "brand of therapy" you used worked. So basically what i have learned so far from everyone is: A. I should never have come in here with any problem i had in the first place. Thank you I see my mistake now and if i could delete my original post and just go away i would.
2. that everyone really gets off on judging others. I wasnt looking for that. Really I wasnt. Again my mistake for posting here. I was warned about this, but i thought that surely the person who told me was wrong. I see they were not.
3. For the last time. Thank you to those who offered advice without judgements. I appreciate it, in more ways than you can imagine. And since the rest of you all have opinions about my life even though i didnt ask for that. I have left a message for the Dom in question. Taken him off my ignore list and apologized explaining that the "freak-out" i had over his comment was MY OWN ISSUE and not his. And thusly was deeply sorry if i made him feel bad. He now, knows he is off my ignore list. What he decides to do past that is his issue. And mine in response.

Known of You know me or what i have gone through to get where i am now. You don't know about my life, my love or about anything else for that matter. And if you think I am going to just sit here and let some of you continue this. Then you are sadly mistaken.

Continue you're judgements, I don't give a FF... I'm not reading anymore.
~Blessed Be

(in reply to octavia)

Post #: 14

RE: how to deal with the aftermath? - 5/30/2007 11:11:41 PM

octavia

Posts: 377
Joined: 5/20/2007
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: ceildlh

Octavia> I am happy for you that the "brand of therapy" you used worked. So basically what i have learned so far from everyone is: A. I should never have come in here with any problem i had in the first place. Thank you I see my mistake now and if i could delete my original post and just go away i would.
2. that everyone really gets off on judging others. I wasnt looking for that. Really I wasnt. Again my mistake for posting here. I was warned about this, but i thought that surely the person who told me was wrong. I see they were not.
3. For the last time. Thank you to those who offered advice without judgements. I appreciate it, in more ways than you can imagine. And since the rest of you all have opinions about my life even though i didnt ask for that. I have left a message for the Dom in question. Taken him off my ignore list and apologized explaining that the "freak-out" i had over his comment was MY OWN ISSUE and not his. And thusly was deeply sorry if i made him feel bad. He now, knows he is off my ignore list. What he decides to do past that is his issue. And mine in response.

Known of You know me or what i have gone through to get where i am now. You don't know about my life, my love or about anything else for that matter. And if you think I am going to just sit here and let some of you continue this. Then you are sadly mistaken.

Continue you're judgements, I don't give a FF... I'm not reading anymore.
~Blessed Be

Wow. Truely sorry if you perceived what i said as judgement. I thought i was reaching out. I gained nothing from posting here about my experience and only did because i honesty know what you are going through. Sorry if i offended. That was not my intent.
octavia

(in reply to ceildlh)

Post #: 15

RE: how to deal with the aftermath? - 5/30/2007 11:35:12 PM

LafayetteLady

Posts: 7683
Joined: 5/2/2007
From: Northern New Jersey
Status: offline

Wow. She is really over her issues and very comfortable dealing with it. She may or may not be reading anymore, doesn't really matter. The problem is that this lifestyle tends to be a place that many abuse survivors end up. Some psych experts might venture so far as to say anyone who enters this lifestyle has mental health issues that can be dealt with more effectively in therapy. Then again, most psychologists believe everyone needs therapy.

The point is that this poor woman is obviously NOT over what happened to her, that is clear from her posts and her profile. It would almost seem as though she came into this lifestyle to relive the abuse over and over. Certainly not helpful and not safe either. My prayers go out to her and those like her.

I have often said that someone who seeks or is submissive needs to have a great deal of self esteem and self awareness to succeed. This poor woman seems to be the poster child for why I say that.

(in reply to octavia)

Post #: 16

RE: how to deal with the aftermath? - 5/31/2007 12:26:26 AM

phoenixinchains

Posts: 2534
Joined: 4/5/2007
From: i live here
Status: offline

in my humble opinion, if you are still working through the issue, state as much when needed. and if you have worked through the issue, bring it up when boundaries are spoke of. if someone can't respect that, they are not to be trusted. what is any relationship with out trust?
phoenix

(in reply to LafayetteLady)

Post #: 17

RE: how to deal with the aftermath? - 5/31/2007 1:17:59 AM

ceildlh

Posts: 7
Joined: 5/4/2007
Status: offline

LL> I hesitate to even do this. But what the hell. I am not back in the Lifestyle because i want to relive my abusive past. I think you prove my point about those that judge others when You make a wide-sweeping generalization based solely on a few posts or my profile. I'm sorry but I don't remember seeing an MD or PHD or MSW beside your name that told other users here that you know what you speak of. What you did was gave Your inacurate opinion of something that is incorrect.

Anytime in my life that I felt that my past was becoming an issue, and that means the 8 years as a child that i suffered at the hands of family members and their own brand of "love" When I was raped in college. The year my mother died. An the abortion I had. Any of the times those issues start to become something that starts to control me in any way... and i go back into therapy. I know Survivors who seek out abusive situations everyday... it's not a pretty sight for them. You can see it, in their very souls when you speak with them. But you think this is me, because I was not complacent and got pissed off and angry? Hmm, you should spend an 20 minutes with my last therapist who thinks as Survivors we should get "angry" more. Stop being so complacent. Stop sitting by and letting things happen to us, around us.

I admited to him that perhaps between my uncles brand of "love" and my fathers "parenting skills" maybe some part of me had learned a bit about being submissive early on in life. But as my therapist and i worked through things, I realized that I was not a submissive solely because of my past. But that my submissiveness had survived despite my past. I might not have survived at all. But I conquered what happened to myself in my childhood, Surviving it... becoming a warrior. Its what feel about ourselves when we move past sheer Survival mode.

And before you ask... Yes I have a Bachelor of Science in Psychology. Concentration in Counseling. I work with other Survivors/Warriors from Abuse.
If y'all will excuse me now, i have a story to finish editing before i can submit it.

Octavia> I apologize for my rude behavior.

~blessed be

(in reply to phoenixinchains)

Post #: 18

RE: how to deal with the aftermath? - 5/31/2007 4:03:26 AM

mistoferin

Posts: 8284
Joined: 10/27/2004
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: ceildlh

i have recently spoken with a someone whom i had been speaking for awhile and thought that it might be good to give Him all the details about my past (my history of being abused, of being a survivor) and i had explained that it would be His choice of course if He wanted to continue further discussion with me. i just hoped that if He decided that He did not, that He tell me upfront, so i was not left wondering. i had hinted at it before, just not really given the details of it right away, wanted to give Him the chance to get to know me a little first and vice versa before deciding if i felt safe enough to even share.
and i did safe enough to share... and after i did... he told me that it was "fun and erotic" and a few other things... which i had not been expecting, honestly.

i have heard many things, from Doms/Masters on here... disgust, anger, frustration... but rarely that. i freaked out... telling him that i was sorry, but that i could not continue chatting with Him, and then set Him to my ignore list.

ceildlh,
I hope that you take this post in the spirit that it is intended. I have worked for many years with survivors of abuse and sexual assault and am a sexual assault survivor myself. Disclosure of such information is a topic that I have had many opportunities to discuss.

The things that stood out to me about your post were that you stated that you gave him all the details and also that you ended up putting him on block. I assume that this person is someone you have been interacting with online then as opposed to someone who you are interacting with in your physical life.

What I have found, and what I recommend to people, is to be very selective about who you choose to disclose such things to...and then be very selective about what you disclose. There really is no need to give someone who you have not developed a close relationship with "all the details". I have found that if you do not have a close personal bond with them, they have a very hard time understanding the impact of such trauma and can be less than empathetic. Note that I did not say sympathetic because that is not what I think that you are looking for.

As it appears that this person is not someone you are in a real time relationship with, I don't think there is a need to share such personal issues. If you feel that it is necessary for them to decide if they wish to continue, then I would suggest that you disclose information that is appropriate to the depth and duration of the relationship.

I quite frequently play casually with Dominants. I only choose to play with Dominants that I know quite well and trust. I feel that my past is important and relative to some play scenarios, so I do disclose some facts...but in very general terms.

ie: "I need you to be aware that I have been the victim of violent sexual assault in the past and it is very unlikely that will have any impact on our play..but to be on the safe side you need to know that there is at least a possibility that something you do may trigger ______ reaction on my part and I would like to discuss proactively how to deal with that should it arise".

I don't need to give any details beyond what may be known triggers.

I am sorry that you had that experience with this gentleman. I don't believe that I could continue with anyone who viewed the details of my past victimization as "fun and erotic".

_____________________________

Peace and light,
~erin~

There are no victims here...only volunteers.

When you make a habit of playing on the tracks, you thereby forfeit the right to bitch when you get hit by a train.

"I did it! I admit it and I'm gonna do it again!"

(in reply to ceildlh)

Post #: 19

RE: how to deal with the aftermath? - 5/31/2007 4:25:50 AM

swtnsparkling

Posts: 1738
Joined: 1/1/2004
Status: offline

quote:

Frankly, I don't think people should talk about their abusive situations if it is an intense emotional experience for them UNTIL they have established a secure intense emotional bond to cover it.

I agreee

_____________________________

Never make anyone a priority who treats you as an option 2003

Walk in Peace

A "No" uttered from deepest conviction is better than a "Yes" uttered merely to please

(in reply to LuckyAlbatross)

Post #: 20

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