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Evlgryn -> RE: I need a mentor. (6/2/2007 2:48:24 PM)
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quote:
ORIGINAL: Hugeharford
My wife has experience as a sub and has asked me to become her Dom. She calls me her Master in training and I am studying my ass off. THere is so much to learn and I am loving every minute of it. That said, although I am patient, and the things I am doing are definitly sinking in, I am a visual learner and would be best served by example. I live in the Los Angeles area and am reaching out for an honest, experienced Dom, man or woman, for their expert guidance. Thank you to anyone who answers this post.
What you have going for you is; you already have a personal and sexual relationship with your prospective sub, your wife.
What you don't have going for you is all the baggage of your mundane and unsexy complicated relationship with your wife.
There are many books you can read, and things you can explore here on forums that will tell you about DS play. But I would, state your most difficult task is to create a cue that will tell your wife, that for the next hour or so, she will be your submissive slut, not the life partner with the shared roll she has the other 24 hrs.
I would fall back on props...I used to gag my submissive, and keep her gagged and seminaked all the time I was there. There is a great deal of communication that can flow from the eyes of a woman, gagged and cooking dinner.
Your first mission in claiming dominance is to establish a trigger. Some sequence of events that happens before you play. The ritual can be anything from setting out the toys to advanced tasks like flogging herself into a frenzy, whatever works for you. You intention is to establish a cue to trigger an almost pavlovian response in your woman that says..."here it comes....my dominant is going to use me". The ritual is the point where you step beyond the threshold of your vanilla life and into your BDSM life. There are a million devices in online catalogs, and a million more actions a woman can do without any props to choose from.
Then, to the pursuit of pleasure. Gag her. Cuff her. Watch her naked body wriggle. Listen for cues, catches in her breath,a crimson flush to her throat. Slip two fingers into her and check for wetness...don't ask permission. Use the dom voice. But most important....deliver!! Bind her and blindfold her and have her tell you her fantasies... Beware of telling true stories, sometimes there will be too much baggage to handle. Set her a task to write up her fondest fantasy with a fountain pen on parchment paper and deliver it to you wrapped in a red bow. Find whatever turns her little subby heart to butter and get good at it. My slave of nearly a decade called during my writing of this and adds that you need to hear the story of her former subby experiences, and you need to hear them in a "non judgemental way". As a guy I approach such things a little more gingerly, a little at a time. As you have chosen this woman to be the mother of your children, there may be things in her past you don't want to hear. But I have put both sides in this paragraph so you can choose for yourself, now back to our regular programming.
The ritual, the signal whether it be to have her put her cuffs on , or gag in, plug in, or blindfold on...starts as one small stimulation.
You need to build onto that stimulation by coming through with repeated memorable times in sub space....to the point where all you need to do is voice the words "get your cuffs" and her heartbeat will start to dance. Don't use the cue and not deliver...You will have to dedicate time in your week to just playing with your woman, and no phones to answer. The first dirty little secret about BDSM, this thing that we do, is that whatever fetishy even trivial thing we do during this time, it is intimate time spent with attention on your partner. Want to turn a vanilla woman kinky? Tell her you plan to spend an hour and a half intimately concentrating on her body this evening. Compare that to the 7 minutes twice a week national average and you will have an instant convert.
Have fun....all her pleasures will not be your pleasures, but with a little imagination and willingness to meet halfway you can coopt many of her fantasies. For your part demand a few of your own fantasies who is dominant anyway? Second dirty little secret about the world of BDSM: none of us feel ( or look ) dominant all the time....I have heard from many doms who lounge in unflattering poses or do a silly little dance once the sub is blindfolded and can't tell anyway. Everybody needs to scratch their ass sometime. I once had a friendly subby orgasming tied to a table in a darkened room so long and so hard that I had time to eat two slices of pizza and drink a can of coke while she kept going on her own with no end in sight. No vibrators no fingers..nothing. That was a memorable night.
Third dirty little secret of bdsm relates to claiming a female submissive it is that a woman can be intimidatingly tough. As long as it is part of the game...and the pain stays below the tolerable threshold they can take a lot. Warm up to it slowly get her heart beating, anticipating. Work up from a small stimulus, lets say a spanking, and with good timing you will be amazed at what she will take and ask for more. Word of caution....a little fear and pain is an aphrodisiac (how little depends on the woman). Panic, is a pleasure killer, and too much pain is like a bucket of cold water thrown on your carefully developed scene. Keep it like a symphony rolling to crescendo. Warm up and cool down. And when you have enjoyed using your woman like a farm animal for an hour or two , all the while hearing her ask beg for more (if she is gagged, looking into her eyes while she emplores you for more), remember this is a strong stimulation, a real physical workout. It can be too much. She will eventually need time to rest and recoup. Tuck a comfy blanket around her, give her a sip of water. When you are playing hard a submissive can even start "teeth chattering" and going into shock. Treat her like you want her to be around for a long time. So you can do this over and over.
The way I see it, you are halfway there. The woman is already yours. All you have to do is manage both your time and energy, while you develop your domly skills. Remember, whenever and wherever the scene starts that is when the foreplay counts from. Be patient, you have to earn this one....but there will come a time when you tell your submissive to put in her anal plug and get into bed naked and you will be home in a half hour...and all that half hour she will be steeming and thinking of you and what is to come. When you get home, your job will be half done. All that remains is to claim the benefits.
Hope that is of help. Of course getting out and watching other dominants do their things is best. Do you have DS clubs where you are?
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