Straight or Bi? sub or Switch? What am I? (Full Version)

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eveningtwilight -> Straight or Bi? sub or Switch? What am I? (6/1/2007 10:03:20 AM)

Before replying, please, please consider that I am new. I am trying to find my way, and am ebarrassed by my own question. I don't want to offend anyone...I just need some help, so please try and not bash me too hard. :S

I have many sides to me that I am trying to understand, and am trying to make adjustments in my lifestyle accordingly. I hope I don't step on any toes or make offenses during this inquiry, but I am in need of guidance.

First of all, I love being dominated by a man. I love the mental domination and sexual domination; however, not neccesarily offering the complete servitude and 'maid' like qualities that others subs enjoy. The thought of topping a man is unpleasant to me.
Flip side, for several years I have thought about/fanticized about topping another woman. I think about tying her up and sexually taunting her and meeting her needs. My thoughts take me further to where after sexual play I consider her somebody that I want to nurture, protect, offer guidance to, and care for. If I had to weight those things, offering protection and guidance weigh more heavily than the sexual play.

I've had women come onto me before, it made me instictively want to flirt or at least humor their advances, but I've refrained because I don't want to 'lead on', and in all honesty I was raised to believe bi-sexuality/homosexuality was evil. Although I disagree, I have that slight hang-up.

I sat on a bar stool once while a girl I knew got drunk and proceeded to give me some semblence of a drunken lap dance. What stands out to me is how long I let her continue. I never sent her away, but nor did I encourage her. I just let it happen while my other friends watched. I was honestly flattered that she found me attractive...but she was a junky and I considered a gross individual.

I had a 'partial' make out session with one of my girlfriends once because her boyfriend was watching and we wanted to give him some entertainment. So, we sat in the hot spring, under the moon-light, touching eachothers faces and hair, neck and arms, moaning and so forth. I don't remember kissing her mouth or touching her otherwise, but we were making kissing noises at least, and it was a fun moment. Yet, afterwards I felt very bad and yucky about it... I think it was because I considered my friend to be equal to a sister. But, in the moment, it was something I wanted to do with her.

What am I? Since that night many years ago, I haven't explored or gone near a woman since (in that capacity). When I see people walking on the street, I naturally focus on men as my source of interest, but my eye does deviate for beautiful women. I don't know if I enjoy looking at them because I can appreciate beauty in any form, or if there is more to it.

Does anyone have any advice or thoughts for me? I'm feeling a bit lost, and I don't want to proclaim to be something that I'm really not. I always considered myself a straight sub, but now that I'm willing to address my other fantacies, I wonder if I am a Switch, or a sub to men, but a Domme to women.

Please have mercy on me!



mstrjx -> RE: Straight or Bi? sub or Switch? What am I? (6/1/2007 10:09:30 AM)

Just one guy's opinion, for what it's worth.

I would consider you bi-curious, as you have 'might' have an interest, but unfulfilled.  Or, you are straight with little objection to having an experience in same-sex relations.

I would consider that you have the potential to become a switch, but not with the same partner.  I see profiles or know women who say that they are exclusively submissive to men, and exclusively dominant over other women.

Whether you obtain these new experiences in the future is up to you, of course.  And a willing partner would help, yes?

Jeff



toservez -> RE: Straight or Bi? sub or Switch? What am I? (6/1/2007 11:16:07 AM)

I think you need to separate the D/s from the sexuality part in this instance.

If you are bisexual or even bi curious you should have examples of being sexually attracted/aroused visually by another woman or more importantly gotten sexually moved by another woman that you have gotten to know whether for thirty minutes or 5 years at some point in your life if not significantly more.

I do o not think religious and/or upbringing would mute these feelings but they could certainly mute any desire to act on them but at least on some core those feelings were there and they are very similar to the feelings you have with a man.

There are many people who can engage in a sexual relationship with not being sexually attracted to the sex, person and whatever. Often times this is the case when a person is getting many other of their needs satisfied in the relationship and also what Jeff wrote a straight person with an open mind. Examples to me would be people who are gay in straight marriages or people who are asexual.

I think you should ask yourself this have you ever in real life not in dreams been sexually attracted to a woman like you have been with men and are your feeling you have now more about wanting to dominate another woman and thinking you would be OK with the by product of that?



MasterFireMaam -> RE: Straight or Bi? sub or Switch? What am I? (6/1/2007 11:19:41 AM)

Just call yourself "fluid" and you have one handy word that sums it up. But, if you want to label (and I LOVE to label), I'd say, yes, you're a switch who feels one kind of energy with one physical gender and another with the other. As for sex, I'd say you're het-flexible, which means that, like me, 8 to 9 times out of 10 you'll choose a man, but sometimes the right woman...

For me, the energy thing seems to be more based on emotional/spiritual gender. So, someone with male energy, no matter what they have physically, seems to be more sexually attractive than someone of female energy. But, that 1 or 2 times out of 10...

I also make a distinction about the kind of relationship. I've noticed that I'm inclined to bottom to men sexually but Master them emotionally and spiritually. In all honesty, I'm still trying to figure out women in this regard.

Master Fire





whisperedsighs -> RE: Straight or Bi? sub or Switch? What am I? (6/1/2007 11:35:59 AM)

Don't try to label yourself.  Just be open to all the opportunities and see what comes.  I would not look for a monogomous relationship until you decide if you wish to explore your potential attraction to women.  I would get out in your local community, get to know people and be honest about where your head is at.  You might be suprised that there are those out there who are willing to help you discover what it is you really like, and/or want.  I think often we limit ourselves by being in a hurry to find our niche, and know who we are. 



Tuomas -> RE: Straight or Bi? sub or Switch? What am I? (6/1/2007 12:21:29 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: eveningtwilight
Does anyone have any advice or thoughts for me?

I'll let you in on a little secret. It's kind of not-PC, but that doesn't make it any less factual. You see, women are designed and put a lot of effort into being sexually attractive. So, it's not surprizing that being straight, you will find other women attractive or even lust after them. In fact, the female psyche is oriented towards being sexually attracted towards other women, because of the natural selection thingie (being as in cave-man times there were quite a lot more women than men, women who were used to "sharing" had a much higher chance to reproduce.) Because of our social conditioning, we tend to ignore this bit, and I'm sure alot of people will disagree here.

So, the first thing I want to reassure you on is that being attracted to other women is perfectly natural, and does not necesarily imply you are bisexual or a lesbian. That having been said, it's quite possible that your attraction goes beyond that, as demonstrated by your fantasies and the fact that you liked to -posterior feelings aside- pretend to make out with your friend. It is quite common (because of what I said earlier) that women who are straight actually enjoy having sexual intimacy with another woman, particularly if there is a man involved as well. The fact that you felt "yucky" afterwards probably has to do with your moral up-bringing and you thinking that what you were doing was homoerotic. Maybe you were turned on by your friend's bf and what you found fun was that you were provoking him, more than "making out" with your friend.

If that were the case, then you don't have to worry about your moral compunctions, because you aren't either bisexual or homosexual.

Which brings me to what whisperedsighs said, and I think it's very sound advice. Each label carries with itself a certain stigma, a certain amount of expectations. If you call yourself "bisexual", people will think you enjoy sex equally with men or with women -which is clearly not the case. Therefore, calling yourself bisexual will just lead to missunderstandings, and you would be a lot better off just telling your potential partners about how you feel on the subject. If they do care at all about you, they will understand.

About the dominant switch thing, it goes along the same lines. A switch is understood to enjoy both dominating and submitting to their partner. You don't: you enjoy only submissiveness with him (or dominance with her), meaning you don't switch, but remain constant. Even though you do have the dual personality, people who read you as "switch" will missunderstand you and that could lead to problems.

Not everyone fits into the neat pidgeon-holes of labels that we have. There is no way that three categories (dom, sub, switch) could ever encompass the myriad of opinions on the subject. People are complicated, and the more educated and intelligent you are, the more complex you will be. This means there will be less chance to fit in with any pre-established category.

No matter what you call yourself, the fact remains that the person or persons you will eventually be with will understand you for who you are much more than by what you call yourself.



LadyPact -> RE: Straight or Bi? sub or Switch? What am I? (6/1/2007 12:21:39 PM)

Only you can figure out what you are.  When you get a little more information, you might be able to draw your own conclusions.
 
Along with het-flexable, there is also the term 'situationally bi' which means just that.  Bi under certain situations, like you described in your fantasy of being a top to another woman.  It may fit you only for that particular scenerio.  There's nothing wrong with being this while at the same time wishing only to be a submissive to a man.
 
One piece of advice I will give you is that, while you are figuring all of this out about yourself, be open and honest about it when involving other people.  If you are just testing the waters, so to speak, it's fair to let people know that up front. 
 
Have fun on your journey.  I wish you the best.



Master96 -> RE: Straight or Bi? sub or Switch? What am I? (6/1/2007 1:19:53 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: eveningtwilight

What am I?



You are eveningtwilight :)

I think everyone is unique!



chellekitty -> RE: Straight or Bi? sub or Switch? What am I? (6/1/2007 1:20:25 PM)

i am no expert on the Dom/sub/switch thing and don't even know enough switches to go about saying what they define as switch or switchy or whatever
neither am i an expert on the straight/bi/homosexual thing but i have been witness to a lot of straight people playing with the same gender as well as homosexuals playing with the oppisite gender...and most that i have talked to just consider themselves equal oppourtunity sadists...even if thier playing sexually satisfies their bottom, it is about the pain not the sex for them...and the aftercare (the cuddling and general care) goes with it for them, now you, as a woman (not meant to be offensive at all) may consider sexual release to equal emotional involvement and if they reach a release then you are responsible for them? maybe? (my psych 101 from the school of hard knocks)...now if this is your motive with women, i wouldn't even consider you bi-curious...otherwise....well read 100's of definitions of lables, find which one you feel comfortable with and go with it...chances are you'll have to explain to everyone you meet anyway...
good luck
chelle



eveningtwilight -> RE: Straight or Bi? sub or Switch? What am I? (6/1/2007 2:18:43 PM)

Now I am seeing the skies clear and things are making more sense. Thank you everyone for helping me brainstorm this out and in offering your 2-cents.  :)

Tuomas, I think there is a lot of truth to what you said. Especially regarding my attraction to my friend's bf. Although I had no desires to be with him, I did spend most of my time 'making out with her' exclusively thinking about him..and that may  be what added the irrotic feeling. I genuinely LOVE knowing that I'm arousing a man. I think I finally understand what a Switch is now, and I agree with you that I doubt I would be such. Labels certainly are useless in some circumstances since no one word can encompass all that we are...yet sometimes I feel pressure to find the right term that best describes me; although now I'm not as worried about it for some reason. You brought me peace. Thank you.

MasterFireMaam, I think you are definately on to something when you speak of emotional and spiritual attraction being different than physical attraction. I had never thought of it that way. I don't feel lust for women, no matter how beautiful, but there is an attraction of some nature towards some women, and the attraction is not always in a physical manner. So this is making sense to me now. :)

toservez, your comments seem to tie into what MasterFireMaam was saying too...and wording it the way you did ("similar to the feelings you have with a man") made sense to me, and I realized, no. The feelings are quite different. I think I was confused because my upbringing suggested that any initimate contact with a woman meant gay. Learning to find my own answers and truth is a complicated road, so thank you for helping me see things more clearly, from a different perspective. I very well may be bi-curious, and may need to explore that further.

I will think on this matter more and try to find others locally who will hopefully open the underground to allow my participation and exploration. I will have to hold onto the smile Master96 put on my face...indeed, I am eveningtwilight, for all that I hold.

Thank you again, everyone!




Tuomas -> RE: Straight or Bi? sub or Switch? What am I? (6/2/2007 1:15:20 PM)


quote:

ORIGINAL: eveningtwilight
Tuomas, I think there is a lot of truth to what you said. Especially regarding my attraction to my friend's bf. Although I had no desires to be with him, I did spend most of my time 'making out with her' exclusively thinking about him..and that may  be what added the irrotic feeling. I genuinely LOVE knowing that I'm arousing a man. I think I finally understand what a Switch is now, and I agree with you that I doubt I would be such. Labels certainly are useless in some circumstances since no one word can encompass all that we are...yet sometimes I feel pressure to find the right term that best describes me; although now I'm not as worried about it for some reason. You brought me peace. Thank you.

[:)] Don't mention it. Everyone wants to find somewhere to "belong"; it's part of our social nature, though the pressue can be frustrating. But when you find that dom that will give you that sense of belonging -and the label you need [;)]- you won't have to worry anymore. You have a very good personality, and I already envy the lucky man, so I wish you the best of luck in your search! And please don't hesitate to ask me anything... I love answering questions; it bloats my ego [:D]



TennesseeRain -> RE: Straight or Bi? sub or Switch? What am I? (6/3/2007 1:10:54 PM)

Thank you eveningtwilight for posting this question.  I also struggle with the same questions regarding bisexuality.  The answers you have received and the simple fact that I am not alone in my confusion was very helpful.



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