RE: Habitual poofer?

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BlindDescent -> RE: Habitual poofer? (6/3/2007 6:33:11 PM)
Hmmm...is recharge mode another way to say passive agressive? Come here I need you....go away I need to be alone...you are so important to me...poof... Or could this be another variation of pursue/capture/embrace deeply....now what do I do?

LuckyAlbatross -> RE: Habitual poofer? (6/3/2007 6:36:36 PM)
Whether the reason is legitimate or not, you have to decide whether this is the situation you can accept for yourself. Will you be fulfilled in a relationship where, if you have a big accident or illness or something Very Bad happens, you might not be able to reach him or have him offer support? Will you be fulfilled in a relationship where, at any point, he could simply leave for a few days with no explanation? Think about how you want things to be in 5 years and where this situation will fit you.

DrkJourney -> RE: Habitual poofer? (6/3/2007 6:43:42 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: LuckyAlbatross Whether the reason is legitimate or not, you have to decide whether this is the situation you can accept for yourself. Will you be fulfilled in a relationship where, if you have a big accident or illness or something Very Bad happens, you might not be able to reach him or have him offer support? Will you be fulfilled in a relationship where, at any point, he could simply leave for a few days with no explanation? Think about how you want things to be in 5 years and where this situation will fit you. Perfect post. You are exactly right. I know cause I've been there. I had a death of one of my friends, I needed him, and he wouldn't return call, email or IM....he was not there for me. It would've been nice if he had "said" he needed time, but just to disappear? and then no response...it really hurts. I did ask myself that question, and my answer was buh bye

RaynaSub -> RE: Habitual poofer? (6/3/2007 7:26:52 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: MadRabbit I hate to play Devil's advocate...but everyone who is posting with the opinion or belief that he is involved with someone else, I would be most curious to hear as to what basis you are forming this opinion given the information in the thread. Because as I read the thread, there really seems to be no evidence to draw that conclusion outside of wide cynical assumption. You might as well say "I beleive he is disapearing because he's Superman and fighting crime in different parts of the world." Or "I beleive he is disapearing because he has a sleeping disorder that causes him to hibernate." Perhaps hes running secert spy missions in Iraq while drainking Martini's and wearing a Tuxedo? How about he's a clown in the circus that goes traveling for random periods of time and he hasnt had the balls to admit his profession? Short term visits to the moon with NASA? Abducted by aliens on a routine basis? Long drawn out psychotic rage induced episodes that force him to chain himself in the basement and severe all communication until it passes? I think perhaps the opinion the poster Noah made in another thread recently regarding the posters here automatically going for the Lowest Common Denominator isnt that way off base... My vote is he is being abducted by aliens on a routine basis. He could also be a secret agent.

Lordandmaster -> RE: Habitual poofer? (6/3/2007 7:47:54 PM)
Maybe he just needs to go into hiding now and then because he's at war with a rival family. quote: ORIGINAL: demureone It's his disappearing that is causing me problems. When this happens, he won't respond to any way I try to contact him. He won't even answer his phone. I never know when this is going to happen and I never know when I'm going to hear from him again.

stella40 -> RE: Habitual poofer? (6/4/2007 1:13:03 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: MadRabbit I hate to play Devil's advocate...but everyone who is posting with the opinion or belief that he is involved with someone else, I would be most curious to hear as to what basis you are forming this opinion given the information in the thread. Because as I read the thread, there really seems to be no evidence to draw that conclusion outside of wide cynical assumption. You might as well say "I beleive he is disapearing because he's Superman and fighting crime in different parts of the world." Or "I beleive he is disapearing because he has a sleeping disorder that causes him to hibernate." Perhaps hes running secert spy missions in Iraq while drainking Martini's and wearing a Tuxedo? How about he's a clown in the circus that goes traveling for random periods of time and he hasnt had the balls to admit his profession? Short term visits to the moon with NASA? Abducted by aliens on a routine basis? Long drawn out psychotic rage induced episodes that force him to chain himself in the basement and severe all communication until it passes? I think perhaps the opinion the poster Noah made in another thread recently regarding the posters here automatically going for the Lowest Common Denominator isnt that way off base... I didn't assume that he was seeing someone else, it was just one of many many many abilities and she doesn't know why, so how do we know any more than she does? Therefore I'm with you 100% on this one. I was about to come up with other ridiculous suggestions, but your's are much better. It just goes to show just how very quickly you can be judged in this community, how quickly people jump to conclusions, and how someone can be so easily misjudged or something misinterpreted or misunderstood. "Living is easy with eyes closed, Misunderstanding all you see.." The Beatles, Strawberry Fields Forever

Areflectionofyou -> RE: Habitual poofer? (6/4/2007 4:02:20 AM)
i have to say..this happened to me and lo and behold i found with some serious digging that he was married...boy did that hurt!!!

MadRabbit -> RE: Habitual poofer? (6/4/2007 4:46:37 AM)
For clarification, I wasnt targeting you at all, stella. But, none the less, not hanging anyone out to dry...

SexyRed -> RE: Habitual poofer? (6/4/2007 5:07:01 AM)
After my last long term relationship with a poofer who ended up betraying me, I am distrustful of anyone who pulls disappearing acts. No matter how busy you are, how down you are, you always can find time to get in touch with someone you care about. Those are total red flags for me. No amount of denial, excuses or rationalizations can ever change the fact that for me, if someone is into me, they will be in touch.

stella40 -> RE: Habitual poofer? (6/4/2007 5:33:21 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: MadRabbit For clarification, I wasnt targeting you at all, stella. But, none the less, not hanging anyone out to dry... I know you weren't... I just posted to say I totally agree with what you posted.

cjenny -> RE: Habitual poofer? (6/4/2007 5:48:03 AM)
I tend to be a random poofer. Usually it is because A) Life walloped me & I have too much to do. B) I'm sick & literally haven't the energy for even basic contact. I don't poof forever but I sometimes go for weeks in a sort of isolation mode. To alleviate worry I gave my closest friends a link to where I journal so that they can 'check in' on me. Even when I'm sick/incommunicado I keep in touch through that method. I don't reply to folks but at least they know I'm still around & will eventually return. Unfortunately my need for occasional poofing did cost me a good friendship here. He refused to understand that I have times where I'm simply too ill-weak-exhausted to return email in a timely fashion. That hurt but it is something I don't have much choice over. My thought is that unless you actually know why the poofer is poofing there is no reason to assume a nefarious reason.

TreasureUntaken -> RE: Habitual poofer? (6/4/2007 6:09:53 AM)
I don't know that it's such a problem that the guy is "poofing", moreso that he doesn't let her know before he does it. IF you decide you want to stay with him (a big if in my book) that is where I would focus my energies, on communication. In particular on him communicating in ADVANCE that he will be out of touch for a few days. Surely he could make one quick phone call or send an email (even just a one liner) if he isn't up to conversation. If the OP is like me, even though it has become typical behavior I would worry that maybe this time its different...maybe something bad has happend or maybe this time hes not coming back. On some level I would worry and be on edge until I heard from him. Also, if he does go out of touch I can't say I would be above a drive by of the house just to see what I could see. I mean you are legitimately worried and in a commited relationship, so it wouldn't be rude and it might give you some extra information on which to base your decision. Just a thought. Treasure

juliaoceania -> RE: Habitual poofer? (6/4/2007 7:33:33 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: BlindDescent Hmmm...is recharge mode another way to say passive agressive? Come here I need you....go away I need to be alone...you are so important to me...poof... Or could this be another variation of pursue/capture/embrace deeply....now what do I do? Not everyone behaves the same way for the same reason. If we did it would make the social sciences much easier to study, but alas people have random behaviors for many different reasons. I quoted your post not because I wholly disagree, it is one possibility of the motivation of the "poofer", I quoted it because it is only one of many possibilities. Some people need lots of alone time, some people do not. Some people feel very uncomfortable if they do not connect to their loved one constantly, some people would feel smothered by such "togetherness". I think the key is for people that desire the same amount of connectedness to find each other. My Daddy does not go a single day without some form of conversing with me by either instant message, phone, or email... even when he is in a bad mood. If it made me uncomfortable that he needed alone time, well that would be my issue, not his. It would mean that we may not be well suited to each other, but it would not make him "flawed". You know, some people find mates that want attention all the time "clingy". I do not think that judgment is correct either... people just have different needs is all, the best recipe is to find someone with similar needs instead of judging.

LaTigresse -> RE: Habitual poofer? (6/4/2007 7:47:31 AM)
I suppose that I could be classified as a poofer myself, yet it is just my personality. I have always been this way, even as a child. I need alot of alone time to function well. It has nothing at all to do with anyone in my life, it is just my own weird thing. I think it has something to do with being over sensitive to others negative energy and needing the alone time to balance. Or I am just a weird hermit type creature sometimes.

nyrisa -> RE: Habitual poofer? (6/4/2007 2:34:15 PM)
I have pretty much the same dynamics, LaTigresse. While I don't disappear, my contact is pretty much limited to only those most near and dear to me, when I need space. I let them know about my need, and I get a cherished few hours or day or two of downtime. People not intimate with me will get a reply such as "I am sorry, I have to be out of touch for a few days." Any emergency message would be answered, of course. I would never be totally out of reach for emergency contact, from those I care about. If this is happening to the OP, then it goes back to that saying that has been quoted, about someone being your priority, if you are only an "option" to them. No matter what his excuse might be, if she could not contact him (because he voluntarily cuts off contact) to let him know she was seriously ill, then I'd have to believe that he does not consider that such an event would be of too much concern for him, and this would make me wonder how deeply the relationship goes on his side.

JennyWench -> RE: Habitual poofer? (6/4/2007 5:32:01 PM)
quote: So this "recharge mode" isn't any kind of depression? Well, I'm not qualified to make a diagnosis so I'm speaking purely from my own perspective. Most of the time I am a highly focused person. I have great concentration skills and I'm tenacious as a pitbull especially in my vanilla / professional life. But sometimes I just hit this sort of system overload and need to completely shut down. It's not depression or manic-depression or OCD (I do know this for a fact because there was a time in my life i was worried if I was normal, I have consulted a professional); it's just the way I am. I'm not mad, not angry, not wanting to end things with whomever i'm seeing, not depressed - i guess when i need space, i'm just as focused about that as i am everything else. So I can't guarantee that's what's going on with your guy, but it could be just the way he's built. Does he have any workaholic tendancies?

FirmhandKY -> RE: Habitual poofer? (6/4/2007 5:40:16 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: JennyWench quote: So this "recharge mode" isn't any kind of depression? Well, I'm not qualified to make a diagnosis so I'm speaking purely from my own perspective. Most of the time I am a highly focused person. I have great concentration skills and I'm tenacious as a pitbull especially in my vanilla / professional life. But sometimes I just hit this sort of system overload and need to completely shut down. It's not depression or manic-depression or OCD (I do know this for a fact because there was a time in my life i was worried if I was normal, I have consulted a professional); it's just the way I am. I'm not mad, not angry, not wanting to end things with whomever i'm seeing, not depressed - i guess when i need space, i'm just as focused about that as i am everything else. I have great concentration skills and I'm tenacious as a pitbull especially in my vanilla / professional life. But sometimes I just hit this sort of system overload and need to completely shut down. It's not depression or manic-depression or OCD Jenny, You are describing me. [:)] FirmKY

slaveish -> RE: Habitual poofer? (6/5/2007 5:43:17 AM)
Fast Reply I don't mean to step on your toes here, and I know this post is going to sound harsh, but it could be that he simply needs space and time ~away~ from you. It is neither reasonable to think that someone has something new to say every single day nor wants our company all the time. It could be that the new romance yumminess is wearing off - it is merely a normal adjustment in the relationship dynamic. Roll with it. Give him room. Don't ring his phone off the hook. Don't "What's wrong??" him to pieces. Just let him be. If he says he loves you and isn't looking for another, and if you trust him the way you say you do, believe him. Let the man breathe. Your statement "I never know when I am going to hear from him again" bothers me some. You apparently ~do~ hear from him eventually - never is a big word. And "I'm beginning to wonder if I really want to be involved with someone who is unpredictable and unstable like this. But he seems just fine all the rest of the time" is troublesome in that his only statement was that he gets down sometimes. What is "Just fine the rest of the time" to you? Answering your calls? You're ready to chuck it (and blame it on "his" instability) because he's down sometimes? What does that say about the relationship in the first place? You think his need for solitude and time away from you isn't stable? Sweetheart, it's not only stable - it's a necessity. It sounds to me that you are ... (pardon the word) ... pushing him a little. Back off. Let go. Don't cling. Don't freak. Loosen up. Enjoy the time you have, regardless if he is filling talking to you and giving you affirmation of your worth. Do not live for others - live for yourself. It's too big an interesting a world to fixate on phone calls to and from one person. I am not trying to flame you. I am trying to make you see that the world does not revolve around this one person. It is not healthy to try to force it to be so.

spankmepink11 -> RE: Habitual poofer? (6/5/2007 6:14:41 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: Quivver I tend to ~poof~ at times myself. I do it when life is a bit overwhelming and I need time to fix and or heal. I call it going reptilian. For me, it's quite time where I'm not sharing my troubles or involving anyone else in things I feel are up to me to fix. It's a way to avoid ~help~. I'm the same way. It is also, at times, for me, a result of feeling pressured to want...or to enter into, a situation that just isn't viable.

dawntreader -> RE: Habitual poofer? (6/5/2007 7:29:06 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: LuckyAlbatross Whether the reason is legitimate or not, you have to decide whether this is the situation you can accept for yourself. Will you be fulfilled in a relationship where, if you have a big accident or illness or something Very Bad happens, you might not be able to reach him or have him offer support? Will you be fulfilled in a relationship where, at any point, he could simply leave for a few days with no explanation? i agree with LA here. The issue isn't one of right or wrong but one of how does this work for you. If it doesn't, you know what to do. i think people in general try so hard to make things fit and when they don't, work just as hard to figure out why ~ Think about how you want things to be in 5 years and where this situation will fit you.

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