Never again! (Full Version)

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stella40 -> Never again! (6/3/2007 4:38:05 PM)

Have you ever been deceived, misled, wronged, misjudged or generally been told a pack of lies by a Dominant, submissive, play partner or anyone else in BDSM?

And if so what effect has this had on the way you view the BDSM scene, form relationships, behave or interact with others?

I guess that this has happened to almost all of us at some time, but is there a particular experience which stands out and which influences how you perceive, relate to and interact with others on the BDSM scene?



sleazybutterfly -> RE: Never again! (6/3/2007 4:49:51 PM)

I am not looking now, but it did change the way I looked for who I am with now.  I would never allow myself to "frenzy" over anyone.  I always took my time, asked a ton of questions, met in person, listened to my gut, and kept my guard up.  I would expect them to prove who they were and what they were about (I did the same).  It still isn't 100% fool proof, but it sure as hell helped.




Celeste43 -> RE: Never again! (6/3/2007 4:57:58 PM)

I can't see why this happening in a BDSM relationship is any different than in vanilla relationships. Some people can get past it and learn why they ignored red flags, others prefer to cling to their victim status and still others use one bad relationship as an excuse never to risk intimacy again.



Quivver -> RE: Never again! (6/3/2007 5:05:05 PM)

I've had this happen more then once in a Nilla sense.  Then again I've lived alot more Nilla then I have this.  What I have found in kink, has been more so a difference in perspective then out and out lies.  Maybe I've been fortunate............  



Einzelganger -> RE: Never again! (6/3/2007 5:11:48 PM)

I had a relationship take a turn for the worse...but I still learned something from it.  Yes, it did change the way I look for a domme.  She must be trustworthy.  Gaining my trust also takes more time than it used to.  Having your safeword ignored for a couple days straight tends to do that to you.

I almost gave up, but I know damned well that I would gain nothing by it, and I am most certainly not a victim.  I learned something from that, and I'm making certain I don't find myself in such a situation again...so, in a sense, I did gain something from it...

-Einzelgänger



CuriousLord -> RE: Never again! (6/3/2007 5:11:49 PM)

I collared an intelligent, beautiful, charismatic actress before.  Started out funny enough- sort of going to bed, I asked what she liked as we began- then I we released how well it worked- she was a slave, and I was a Master!  Score, right?  We both thought the other was vanilla.

Months later.. well, long story short, she was a masterful actress.  (No, she was actually a slave- though not an honorable one.)  The strange part is, I couldn't see through her lies well enough to call them as I would with a normal person.  She was.. so skilled at her role..



reddivinity -> RE: Never again! (6/3/2007 5:16:32 PM)

You are not the only one this happens to, in or out of the lifestyle. I had a similiar experience, realizing that "claims and statements"  were not "truth or facts"...I was "misled" and  just flat out lied to for about 6 months by a guy who turned out to be a REAL CREEP. This person's current relationship status and experience For an example, as time told -this person was a novice and in a relationship and was just getting into the lifestyle. I thought he was a safe bet since we seemed to have a good repetoire and chatted online for about 6 months and said all the right things. He is active in the local BDSM Community, so I make a point to avoid the Socialness of it all to avoid this guy. I Know caution is a must and not everyone proves to be a disappointment.



Faramir -> RE: Never again! (6/3/2007 5:31:30 PM)

A got bullshitted a couple of times by girls at b.com.  I know know a "roomate" is actually a husband, that an inability to use a digital camera or a webcam to confirm identity means fake pics, a refusal to talk on the phone after three IM conversations means you are hiding something (sex, status, intent) etc.

Good lessons to learn, and when some sweet talker tries to bullshit, I just move on.




JennyWench -> RE: Never again! (6/3/2007 5:34:34 PM)

I can't say that I have found people into BDSM to be any more dishonest than the general population.  Have been lied to by people on this or similar sites? Yes.  Does it impact my attitude towards the scene?  No, not really.  I try to be fairly careful but how much can you ever really know someone?  Same as in the nilla world, you spend time with a person and evaluate them based on that history.  Don't get too much skin in the game until you know who you're dealing with (this is true both literally and metaphorically).  Some people are absolute jerks but most people are just decent folks looking for someone to spend time with.  I guess the thing that irks me the most about dishonesty in this sort of setting is how completely unnecessary it is.  There's how many members here?  Seems to me one can find somebody out there with compatible tastes without having to misrepresent who they are.



RedheadGirlNY -> RE: Never again! (6/3/2007 5:47:36 PM)

At this point, it seems that anyone who's been online more than five minutes probably has a humdinger of a "I so got taken" story.  The anonymity of the keyboard, the power vested in being whomever and whatever one wants at a particular moment, the ability to reinvent oneself: they're heady things.
 
What I've learned?  Ask questions in several different ways, listen carefully to words, never forget that what is not said is often more important than what IS said. 
 
Now, can I lose the danged vanilla cone???????
 
Red (not jaded, though it is a rather good color on me!) 



LuckyAlbatross -> RE: Never again! (6/3/2007 6:30:05 PM)

It only changes people's perceptions of the scene if they've allowed themselves to falsely believe that people in bdsm are different than people NOT in bdsm.

Once they allow themselves to believe that false belief, then they let themselves be easily led down a primrose path of light and truth- only to be smashed harshly against a brick wall which was plain as day to anyone actually walking with their eyes open.

It's a painful way to live, and I can't deny I've smashed myself into a few walls and likely will again- but it all comes down to swallowing that first lie- which we tell ourselves.



stockingluvr54 -> RE: Never again! (6/4/2007 7:19:19 AM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: Faramir

I know know a "roomate" is actually a husband,





Lol....!!!  Ain't that the truth....found that out once myself AFTER I'd lived with her for 2.5yrs! Really plays with ones trust ability....



imthatacheyouhav -> RE: Never again! (6/4/2007 7:27:52 AM)

Yes this has happened to me...and it has happened to me with my current Master...He lied to me and it hurt me badly... It is my hope that He will not do it again...i need to be able to trust Him...and Him being honest from now on will be the crux of my being able to do that. Rebuilding trust is a process...and Master and i both get that.



MHOO314 -> RE: Never again! (6/4/2007 7:38:13 AM)

I have, I dare say we all have at some time, in our out of the BDSM realm---it is human nature, that does not change just because we are "in this life"---one tries to learn from one's mistakes, however, life is what it is--I made up My mind that what I wanted was in this world, yet a marvelous blend of both and I have refused to lose sight of My goal.



octavia -> RE: Never again! (6/4/2007 7:42:38 AM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: Faramir

A got bullshitted a couple of times by girls at b.com.  I know know a "roomate" is actually a husband, that an inability to use a digital camera or a webcam to confirm identity means fake pics, a refusal to talk on the phone after three IM conversations means you are hiding something (sex, status, intent) etc.

Good lessons to learn, and when some sweet talker tries to bullshit, I just move on.




What does blowing off meeting mean if you live 20 minutes away?  My subbie friends keep saying its just a power play...I'm starting to wonder......



hotwater07 -> RE: Never again! (6/4/2007 7:45:40 AM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: stockingluvr54

quote:

ORIGINAL: Faramir

I know know a "roomate" is actually a husband,






Lol....!!!  Ain't that the truth....found that out once myself AFTER I'd lived with her for 2.5yrs! Really plays with ones trust ability....



I have to add my input here,  I actually did have a roommate -- a male roommate!  After my ex-husband and I separated, I had a roommate for almost 2 years - it helped pay the bills and as weird as it sounds, it worked.  Maybe I'm just weird that way?
K



gypsygrl -> RE: Never again! (6/4/2007 7:54:35 AM)

Its tough to explain my learning path on this issue.  I married young, was with my ex-husband for a long time and never really dated.  Basically, I was pretty sheltered.    After me and my ex separated, I ventured out into cyber space and discovered bd/sm and fell for a lot of standard tricks most people find out about when they're young.  I was naive. 

Then (and this is where it gets confusing) a couple years after my separation, I found out my ex had been intentionally deceiving me about really important stuff so the marriage I thought I had, really wasn't.  And, neither was the separation.  They were something else.  But I don't know what.  Mind fuck.

This experience didn't really affect my trust in others but it did affect my trust in my own perceptions and judgements.  Its sucked the confidence out of me.  Though, now that all is said and done, I'm just as easily deceived and probably just as naive, but I can also say nothing really bad has happened that I wasn't able to deal with.  So, I don't spend a lot of time worrying about people anymore because I'm pretty sure I'll be able to handle things that come up.



livenlearn -> RE: Never again! (6/4/2007 7:57:16 AM)

quote:

Have you ever been deceived, misled, wronged, misjudged or generally been told a pack of lies by a Dominant, submissive, play partner or anyone else in BDSM?

Though I do not participate in any activities of or relating to BDSM, I can say that deceit is not regulated only to relationships of this kind.



MyMastersOwn -> RE: Never again! (6/4/2007 8:00:07 AM)

Oh yes .. yes indeed. Almost 3 years ago I got involved with a dom I met in a cribbage league. After about over a year of the taveling back and forth seeing each other..and etc... he said it was time to be not just slightly local.. but together permantely. He was moving in. I was thrilled. I got everything set and ready. We spoke on the night of March 13th 2006. He was hitting the road at 6am the 14th. Well here it is June 4th 2007 and I still haven't seen him, or spoken to him. Not on the phone or on line.

Even folks here on CM was having fun with me on the count down days. It was fun. And the fun turned to concern.... anger... wanting revenge when I started investigating some things that one Domme had me start looking into. The doors that began unlocking for me were unreal.

Hense another reason my Master had to work even harder to get me. The wall I built about me... my anger..distrust.. was strong.. tall.. and it took alot to break through to me again.



Aileen68 -> RE: Never again! (6/4/2007 8:04:47 AM)

I remember that.  That was rough for you.



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