RE: Value placed on past relationships... (Full Version)

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SlpBeauty333 -> RE: Value placed on past relationships... (6/3/2007 10:26:35 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: Einzelganger
In contrast, I have seen a few people here, far more often than I've seen in vanilla life, who not only respect their former loves, but are also still friends with them.  You know who you are; I applaud you and have the utmost respect for you.  It takes a high level of maturity to make that work, in my opinion.


I think it also takes some time after the relationship has ended to establish such friendships and figure out the lesson.  When a relationship ends, no matter the reason, it hurts.  A part of your life has ended and there should be a period of grief and anger with the accompanying sentiments of "I wasted my time" and "s/he is such a loser".  Naturally, such whining should be done in private with your best friend/cats/therapist, not with every person within earshot and even then, some things are still private.  Other alternatives are to write letters and destroy them, keep a journal, sing bad songs in the shower.  Vent that initial hurt and anger so that you can get over it and move on.

I think it's the prolongued trash talking that's the problem because the injured party can't accept responsibility for being in that relationship in the first place and needs to blame the ex for everything going wrong. 

In the end am I at peace with each of the relationships I've had?  Yes.  Did I learn from each one of them?  Yes.  Did it take time and reflection to get to that point?  Absolutely!



CirclMastr -> RE: Value placed on past relationships... (6/3/2007 10:33:00 PM)

I have had mixed experiences, myself, and it just now strikes me as a bit odd that I learned the least from the only face-to-face relationship I've ever had. There's not much to say about it, as it was before I found my dom side and only lasted 3 dates, but 3 dates was enough to discover that she was seriously mentally unbalanced and I broke off contact with her. I don't think I learned anything from it and I don't remember it kindly.

Online relationships, however, were how I discovered this side of myself, and even the ones that didn't work out taught me a fair bit. Of course, I invested more time and emotion in them overall, and while I don't maintain contact with more than a few of them, I don't hold a grudge against any of them.



Lordandmaster -> RE: Value placed on past relationships... (6/3/2007 11:26:42 PM)

Wow, we need more members like SlpBeauty.  Very wise!

quote:

ORIGINAL: SlpBeauty333

I think it also takes some time after the relationship has ended to establish such friendships and figure out the lesson.  When a relationship ends, no matter the reason, it hurts.  A part of your life has ended and there should be a period of grief and anger with the accompanying sentiments of "I wasted my time" and "s/he is such a loser".  Naturally, such whining should be done in private with your best friend/cats/therapist, not with every person within earshot and even then, some things are still private.  Other alternatives are to write letters and destroy them, keep a journal, sing bad songs in the shower.  Vent that initial hurt and anger so that you can get over it and move on.

I think it's the prolongued trash talking that's the problem because the injured party can't accept responsibility for being in that relationship in the first place and needs to blame the ex for everything going wrong. 

In the end am I at peace with each of the relationships I've had?  Yes.  Did I learn from each one of them?  Yes.  Did it take time and reflection to get to that point?  Absolutely!



littlesarbonn -> RE: Value placed on past relationships... (6/4/2007 12:36:15 AM)

I am friends with most people of my previous relationships, but one thing I've come to realize is that I pretty much need to let go of those past relationships and focus on the future. For way too long, I kept comparing future possibilities with those of the past, and that's just a road that leads to the dark side of the force.



MaamJay -> RE: Value placed on past relationships... (6/4/2007 1:31:28 AM)

I almost think I am TOO friendly with My ex's. My first hubby gave me away at my second wedding, I sang at his. We were married for nearly 16 years, now, 16 years after we split, we are still good friends. He has always said of me "I married a lady and I divorced a lady". The recent split from my second hubby (to whom I was married for 12 years) wasn't quite so pleasant as W/we had struggled to be M/s but his cross-dressing obsession got in the way, in the end, it's all about him and the clothes. The last 4 years were incredibly frustrating due to his unwillingness and inability to learn and make the personal changes he insisted he wanted to make. Nonetheless, now I have moved across country, we are able to talk amicably on the phone or by IM, and are celebrating the recent sale of the home in Perth for an excellent offer (he's still there for now). But what is perhaps more bizarre is this: Before Master and I left, one hot summer afternoon found hubby 1, hubby 2, Master and myself all in the pool naked LOL! I admit, that did feel a bit odd. And a couple of months ago hubby 1 moved in with hubby 2 since a heap of his stuff has been stored there for ages anyway! Now they'll both have to relocate!

Regrets? Very few! Hubby 1 and I simply grew in different ways to want different things out of life, but being together was definitely more heaven than hell. Hubby 2 wasn't my best choice, I should have paid more attention to what his Mum was like (as in sulky, tantrums) for he was just like her! Overall it was a much more rocky time, the vanilla marriage almost ended twice (and my soft heart took him back) and the D/s was really his last chance to get his act together and I gave that 4 years! I leave feeling I truly did everything in my power to make things work, so I don't have guilt or regrets about things I failed to do. I learnt a lot through both relationships about myself and others. I am, to a large extent at least, the sum of my life experiences, and as I'm fairly happy with myself (while there's always room for improvement of course), I'm not beating myself up about decisions I've made.

As far as prospective partners are concerned, I do want to know something of their past relationships. It helps Me to know them as people and to have a better idea about buttons that may be lurking that I may/may not want to push. I appreciate someone who is able to talk in a balanced way about their past and who is in touch with what they learned through the process. Someone who is incredibly negative or full of hate, recrimination or blame is a red flag to Me as it indicates they haven't processed and dealt with the past well enough yet to make an informed and balanced decision about the future. I'd be wanting to see signs that they are willing to do that processing and taking steps for it to happen to want to get involved.

Maam Jay aka violet[A]



bliss1 -> RE: Value placed on past relationships... (6/4/2007 1:32:35 AM)

If I can look at an ex (even one I don't wish to see any longer - even one who has conned me) and say "did I learn more about myself?"
If that answer was yes - than it is still a positive relationship and one I would not change.

Growth is never a negative thing.



MinofSin -> RE: Value placed on past relationships... (6/4/2007 1:46:59 AM)

All of my past relationships were learning experiences.  Even, and especially, the ones which did not have the best of endings.  While I am not in contact with the majority of my ex's, I still view each relationship that taught me something valuable, even if it was not to repeat a past mistake.  So for me, I value all of my previous relationships, even the ones I would rather not remember.



eyesopened -> RE: Value placed on past relationships... (6/4/2007 2:00:44 AM)

i've had both good and not good relationships but in my mind it serves no one to focus on the not good.  Frankly to rant on about someone could only make me look bad because they would probably refuse to see themselves in my rant so what purpose would it serve?  Negative energy never heals.  But even in the not so good relationships there are lessons to be learned and of course some good moments because that's why i got involved in the first place.  i have several ex's that i speak with regularly as friends and several that i  remember with great fondness and one or two that i still wonder WTF?



ExSteelAgain -> RE: Value placed on past relationships... (6/4/2007 2:06:21 AM)

MaamJay, you've had an interesting time it seems. Good post.



MaamJay -> RE: Value placed on past relationships... (6/4/2007 2:28:01 AM)

Thank you ExSteel ... yes it's been an interesting 51 years tomorrow ... I keep threatening to send My life story in as a plot for a soap ... but everyone reckons they'd never run with it as it would be too unbelievable LOL!

Maam Jay



AquaticSub -> RE: Value placed on past relationships... (6/4/2007 3:29:26 AM)

From what I've seen, there isn't a difference between vanilla break-ups and BDSM breakups. Both have an equal chance of going completely rotten.



Einzelganger -> RE: Value placed on past relationships... (6/4/2007 3:31:13 AM)

Wow, such a wide array of views/experiences on the subject.  Most of the time, it seems as though there are only a few replies that truly stand out from the rest...I don't see any two posts expressing the same exact idea here.  Perhaps it's a reflection of the fact that no two D/s relationships are the same...

-Einzelgänger

P.S.  Thanks again for the replies, not to mention your time. *smiles*



missbehaeven -> RE: Value placed on past relationships... (6/4/2007 5:08:13 AM)

~smiles~
Greetings everyone,
What a great topic!
         The single most defining relationship in my life is a broken engagemnet, and I learned some rather ugly truths about myself. My ex-fiance was a very angry and distrustful man with an ex of his own who had left him for another man. He told me straight out on our first date that he was going to marry me but he'd likely never trust me or another woman again. I'm a nurturer and caretaker, and believed I'd help him move past this, because I could see his good qualities, and he did have them, taking care of an alcoholic older brother, taking in any stray pets in the neighborhood, volunteering his time at a local church.
          Fast forward two years and we've nearly set a wedding date, but still haven't moved past the trust issue, and I'm no longer able to balance his love of animals and God and me with the fact that we have these brutal fights anytime I go out with my friends from work, or even my family. I know his family and friends believe I'm the right person for him, and want things to work between he and I..I begin to feel trapped.. I react badly and begin to hang out with friends who are into partying, and refuse to tell my ex where I've been and who I've been with, playing into the same behaviors his ex had done when she first met her new man..Of course that just made him insane, and this is witnessed a few times by my family and friends who are now at odds with his, because they're pressuring me to leave him.
          At this point I should have calmly postponed the wedding and worked on really ironing out these issues or simply ended the relationship altogether. But I was afraid to be seen in a bad light by his family and friends or mine, so I manipulated a specific situation that I knew would cause him to have a meltdown...I accepted an offer to attend a theater event with some friends from work that he didn't approve of..I knew he'd blow up, and he did..and I was able to point out to everyone how I had tried for two years to help him move past his relationship issues, but look..I couldn't even attend a theater show with female co-workers..Everyone was on my side and understood why I ended the engagement.
           I felt justified in my actions for a long time, but with hindsight I can see that I played my part in what became a vicious circle. If I could do it over again, I'd try and see things from his perspective..try couple counselling..But not set him up to fail to make myself look like the good, stable relationship partner.
            Thank you for taking the time to read..A decade older and hopefully wiser..miss
 



Indemnis -> RE: Value placed on past relationships... (6/4/2007 5:19:31 AM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: Einzelganger
Does anyone share my views on the above topics, or do you think of me as the guy hanging around on the corner with the cardboard sign that reads "THE END IZ NEER"? 
-Einzelgänger


Before I even reply, I must giggle at this image. 
Tee hee!

Moving on...
I know I don't trash-talk my former owner, but the relationship was terrible, and I was not treated well at all.  I made sure my current owner (and he is amazing [&:] ) knew at least some details of my past while we were speaking, before meeting...
I can honestly say that, though yes, I learned some... the biggest perk of my previous relationship was figuring out what sort of Master to *avoid*.  Some are like this... <shrugs>

....<steals your sign and runs!>  MUAHAHAHAA!



SexyRed -> RE: Value placed on past relationships... (6/4/2007 5:24:44 AM)

Great topic....

Having been in long term relationships and one marriage since age 16, I never hated any of my exes, I always moved on and thought of them fondly.

That is until my last one which lasted many years. It simply was the most intense BDSM relationship I have ever had and yet, the most toxic, hurtful, addictive personal relationship I have ever had.

I am very hurt by the relationshipn and especially the ending, but when friends and family want to trash talk about him, I take ownership of my part in it. They ask why I do this. Why?

Because when someone hurts you, it is their fault. When you keep letting them do it, it is YOUR fault. I am still incredibly angry at my ex, but I am more upset with myself for staying in such a relationship. I know why I did (because he met all of my BDSM needs), but no amount of earth shattering sex or BDSM can cover up the rest of a toxic relationship.

I learned a valuable lesson from my ex relationship. One positive thing is that I will never let anyone treat me badly again, ever. One negative thing I learned is that it is going to be hard to trust someone until their actions prove them trustworthy.

But in the end, you are responsible for taking care of yourself and not letting others hurt you, even if you are madly in love with them and use that as a rationalization. Listen to those red flags and protect your heart for the long term, even if the short term feels so good.



cjenny -> RE: Value placed on past relationships... (6/4/2007 5:36:17 AM)

During my divorce I worked incredibly hard to keep things civil, the result?
He and I are now best of friends, we can rely on each other & trust each other implicitly. Never again could we be married or sexual with one another. That is gone, but the deep friendship from a 2 decade marriage does remain. In fact he just spent the last 3 days at my house, and slept in my bed. No sex... just a pile of movies over a long rainy weekend!
It often 'freaks' people out that we aren't at each others throat because the marriage really was awful but we got past that part & I am so so glad.
Why burn bridges if you can salvage something?
I will never miss being married to him but I would miss having the friendship we somehow saved. It did take a lot of compromise on both ends but doesn't any friendship take some kind of effort?



dawntreader -> RE: Value placed on past relationships... (6/4/2007 5:38:23 AM)

cjenny,
 
It is nice to hear someone else has this kind of relationship too!



cjenny -> RE: Value placed on past relationships... (6/4/2007 5:39:58 AM)

'Cept so many people think we are weirdos for it!

[:D]

Thankies



meticulousgirl -> RE: Value placed on past relationships... (6/4/2007 7:58:37 AM)

I go into "relationships" seeking long term.

My ex boyfriend and I since childhood years are still best friends whether his wife likes it or not.  We grew up, our interests somehow managed to change but we still had the same interests meaning we both grew into kink and never realized it until it was to late.  We split, he married someone else and is living a life that i wouldn't want to lead with him.  He's military, and proud of it.  I know I could never handle the thought of Him leaving if we were married and know he may not come back.  So him and i are best friends.

my first encounters with the lifestyle were with a Master and Mistress couple.  I was overly attached to her and still find myself missing certain aspects on a daily basis even though I am happy in my current.  Her Husband on the other hand who was the acting Master was just not my type, I wasn't a fan of Him from day one and I really dont miss Him at all, infact I rarely ever think of Him.
even though I miss her, I have no contact with her, and am not sure that i would want to if given the opportunity.  She's a wonderful friend and Mistress i just dont like her going around letting others in on what was then a secret, so my entire high school could find out through the girl they choose after me.  Then of course there was the whole bashing of my "Current" and well when that happens it just doesn't settle with either Him or i very well, for no reason whatsoever except maybe jelousy that i had found happiness with someone else.



akisha -> RE: Value placed on past relationships... (6/4/2007 8:17:38 AM)

~FR~

Well I believe no experiece is completely bad if you learned something from it. I also agree that you entered into the relationship for some reason so there had to be something good about it at least in the begining.

My nilla marriage to be honest probably never should have happened, but really, The first two years were really good and I got my little one because of the union and the best thing... I learn soo much about myself. I realized finally that I could not ignore my submissive needs or i'd be miserable. I also learned to trust my gut and be upfront about how I'm feeling.

The relationship with my last Dom ended because of circumstances beyound our control. So there were no hard feelings at all. I still miss him and still love him, but I am taking what i learned and experienced with Him and using that as a basis as for what I want in my life and my future. Because of this relationship I learned not only more about my self but that I was not willing to settle.

I don't hate any of my ex'es. I dislike some of the things they do and sometimes my exhusband fustrates me to my wits end, but i vent my fustrations to a couple close friends then I'm over it.

I don't believe in trashing someone just because you are no longer with them. And really, life is better if you concentrate on what was good in the relationship and not on why it failed. Makes you a happier and better person. Bitterness and anger gives you wrinkles and a bad disposition hehe [;)]



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