velvetears
Posts: 2933
Joined: 6/19/2006
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Your first point was that mainstream society doesn't seem to understand the word consent. i don't think it's that they don't understand the word consent and all that it implies, i think they don't want to acknowledge what we do as even being worthy of consent. It goes against their belief system and they feel threatened by wiitwd. Unfortunately there are more of "them" than there are of "us", so most of us have a low profile or don't disclose what we do. Like you mentioned we have lives we have to lead and people we need to protect.
quote:
stella40
And perhaps people often find themselves unable to talk about this aspect of their lives with vanilla friends, they find themselves having to live a double life when they would much rather be able to discuss and talk about their BDSM interests in a relaxed manner with 'non-scene' people without the fear of being judged or misunderstood.
It's not at all that i find myself "unable" to talk about this aspect of myself, i have no desire or need to. There are many parts of my life i have no interest in sharing with people i meet. i don't feel i lead a double life at all - i lead a private life, why would the people in my life have to know all aspects of who i am? Simply, they don't. People are going to judge you no matter what you tell them, unless it effects my livelihood or loved ones, i could care less how people judge me or of they have misunderstood me,most of the time if someone has misunderstood you, you stand a snow balls chance in hell of ever changing their mind anyway - so i don't bother, i just move on. i have had to do this several times in my life - not bdsm related in the least. i remove myself from complicated and uncomfortable situations - life is too short and i lived it way too long caring and wondering and worrying about what others think, feel, percieve etc me to be. i think as one matures it's a natural course of development in one's life.
quote:
stella40
And yet when it comes to the BDSM scene I find quite a few people already have formed strong opinions but without educating themselves with the necessary facts, information and experience. They jump to conclusions, form hasty assumptions, judge others, and overlook the fact that BDSM is all about experience, knowledge and understanding, the key to which, in my opinion, is acceptance.
bdsmers, lifestylers, kinksters, goreans, whatever term you want to adopt that puts you under the umbrella can be some of the most opinionated people you will ever meet. i once made the assumption that they would be different - more open minded and accepting, i learned differently. i once had a sub friend and her ex dom, who she wanted me to hook up with because she thought he would be "good for me" tell me i was brainwashed and suffered from low self esteem and needed help and healing because they found out i was a masochist. Their perception was that S&M was nothing more than abuse and my former dom abused me and i was suffering from some kind of conditioning. i tried to get them to understand that the way they practiced D/s was fine but that my way was also another aspect to the dynamic that many more than me indulge in and enjoy as well. So even if you open up with "like minded people in the scene" you can come up against judgement and misunderstanding. i couldn't repeat enough to them that i LOVED the pain i recieved - that seemed to matter little to them. They tried to save me but i told them i would rather drown thank you.
When you say "educated among us" i assume you mean those who are more experienced with asects of D/s M/s SM etc. Some people use the forums to learn - i see many ask a question and there are many who genuinely try to impart their knowledge in a thoughtful way, others will chastize and ridicule, and others will just be snarky and sarcastic. Some use the forums for drama, some use it to probe minds, some like to debate - there are so many aspects to these boards if one wants to learn and educate themselves. Personally i feel the only real education that counts is when you actually start to apply what you learn because untill then it is all theory and you won't really know it till you actually experience it.
Freedom of speech exists here - but what i have issue with is when people use it as a means to be rude - saying things like well they put it out there so any and all comments should be expected - like saying - well if you get verbally abused by asking a question you asked for it. Personally i don't get that line of reasoning - you can get a point across without having to resort to cruelness and intentionally being antagonistic.
When i post i try to be as clear as i can with my words. Sometimes i am and sometimes i'm not - it seems though at times the more i try to clear up what i consider a misunderstanding the more people see me as defensive and hostile - this happens to others as well, it's an interesting phenomena - be misunderstood and post to clear it up and your being defensive and stubborn. Sometimes less is more i guess.
i don't post with "what image do i want to give others" i post what i feel inside - i post what i sincerely mean - whether it makes me look "less submissive" to some doms, that's ok they have their own yardstick and if what i say comes across to them that way that's fine. i also read posts and form opinions of others here. i just happen to keep most of them to myself. i have changed opinions of posters after getting to know them better, it takes time to be able to really read someone online.
This is long winded and i hope it hasn't timed out - if it does i will be pissed... i type slow 
< Message edited by velvetears -- 6/4/2007 8:52:30 AM >
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Religion is for people who are scared of hell, Spirituality is for people who have been there
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