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War Vetrans and BDSM - 5/24/2005 7:36:25 PM   
surfergirl


Posts: 38
Joined: 5/19/2005
Status: offline 		My Domme, who is also my husband of 14 years, is/was a marine who served in Desert Storm (the first Iraq war).
We just had a long talk about how he is having a hard time during play getting into a zone bacuase he is very afraid of losing control.
He has post tramatic stress disorder. And has been in treatment with other service memebers for it.
I totaly trust him, however for some odd reason that I can not understand he is not trusting himself. Which concerns me, because I want him to experiance the pleasure of the power exchange. He says he is totaly satisfied with everything and enjoys the sadistic play, but will not let his head get to into it.
Anyone have this experiance and any suggestions?
Profile   Post #: 1
RE: War Vetrans and BDSM - 5/25/2005 1:23:22 AM   
terah


Posts: 69
Joined: 12/17/2004
Status: offline 		I suffer from ptsd, but for another reason. Trust is a big issue that I deal with daily. It has everything to do with my enviroment. I am a great top but letting go is very difficult for me because I have been through some really tough time. Just be there for your dominant when they are stuggling to be free or get over a hurdle. Be patient... and greatful that they are seeking help to deal with those issues.

(in reply to surfergirl)
Profile   Post #: 2
RE: War Vetrans and BDSM - 5/25/2005 3:18:26 AM   
LordODiscipline


Posts: 995
Joined: 6/28/2004
Status: offline 		Have him seek out help from a kink aware professional. Take it upon yourself to find some in your area for a choice after he has agreed.

(Call them and ask if they are aware of the sub-culture and/or if they are negative towards it - ask the doctor in person, not their assistants).

Make sure you have several who are available so you might walk out if ou find that you do not like them - or - they are simply idiots (yes, even doctors are idiots at times).

If your dominant is not willing to ty to resolve the issue then it is his issue and will have a negatvie affect on the relationship in the short term.

~J


(in reply to surfergirl)
Profile   Post #: 3
RE: War Vetrans and BDSM - 5/25/2005 3:34:25 PM   
FangsNfeet


Posts: 3758
Joined: 12/3/2004
Status: offline 		If he's afraid of loosing control perhaps you can give him safer toys to use on you. After all, how much damage can really be done with a sued flogger before his arm falls off? Using sued and furs should allow him to be more into the zone feeling safer to use them on you.

< Message edited by FangsNfeet -- 5/25/2005 4:14:58 PM >

_____________________________

I'm Godzilla and you're Japan

(in reply to surfergirl)
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RE: War Vetrans and BDSM - 5/25/2005 3:58:35 PM   
Oumae


Posts: 911
Joined: 1/4/2005
Status: offline 		Have you close friends who you would be comfortable playing in front of? Might help if he knew there was someone else there to watch out for you both.

Oumae

_____________________________

Is cuma le fear na mbrog ca leagann se a chos.
( The man with the boots does not mind where he places his foot)

(in reply to surfergirl)
Profile   Post #: 5
RE: War Vetrans and BDSM - 5/30/2005 4:05:44 PM   
divinedesire


Posts: 4
Joined: 1/21/2004
Status: offline 		Surfergirl,First he is a Marine,and for some it is very hard to ask for help,the corps does that to you.Do get him help for the ptsd...find a chapter of Vets for Peace and ask there for info they will help,maney Vets there suffer or have from pstd.This is not something that he will get over soon,have friends that still after 30+ years have bouts...so be supportive and love him as that will help.......Good Luck....A Vet also

(in reply to Oumae)
Profile   Post #: 6
RE: War Vetrans and BDSM - 5/30/2005 11:48:35 PM   
pathfinder58


Posts: 4
Joined: 5/30/2005
Status: offline 		I don't think he is "afraid of losing control" so much as he is concerned for your welfare if
he mentally visits that place in his mind where he did whatever was necessary at the time to survive (in combat) call it a mental attitude, zone, what ever you like, but in that space
he is extremely capable of doing great physical damage to anyone. I don't think you have
anything to be worried about though, as you would be one of those he'd do anything to protect. But if someone were to insult, or attack you, he'd most likely respond in a manner that you, and most of the unaware, would consider insane, crazy, and/or completely disproportionate to the threat.
I dealt with my situation by embracing it, not rejecting it. That is to say, when I consciously accepted it, I gained control of it. I decided when to "go-off" so to speak, and not let a situation or circumstances automatically trigger it. Once I realized I could make the choice whether or not to go into that space, my fear completely went away.

(in reply to divinedesire)
Profile   Post #: 7
RE: War Vetrans and BDSM - 5/31/2005 2:43:47 AM   
MadameDahlia


Posts: 2021
Joined: 8/11/2004
From: SoCal aka Hell
Status: offline 		Sometimes those faced with PTSD will lash out at anyone who touches or speaks to them.

When they are thrown back into enemy territory or a "combat zone mindset" they are thinking about survival first and foremost. Anyone could be an enemy or a threat at that point.

A friend of mine was assaulted. Only a very select number of people can touch her without sustaining physical harm. To protect the body the mind targets many people... people who have even expressed their desire to get their hands on the creep who harmed her.

Perhaps your husband fears that the worst possible outcome may be the one he has to face should he let himself go.



_____________________________

Insanity -- a perfectly rational adjustment to an insane world.
--R. D. Laing

"Oh, but if I went 'round sayin' I was Emperor, just because some moistened bint lobbed a scimitar at me, they'd put me away."

(in reply to pathfinder58)
Profile   Post #: 8
RE: War Vetrans and BDSM - 5/31/2005 6:17:48 PM   
surfergirl


Posts: 38
Joined: 5/19/2005
Status: offline 		Thank you all so very much!! I so appreciate it!

(in reply to MadameDahlia)
Profile   Post #: 9
RE: War Vetrans and BDSM - 6/9/2005 7:28:18 PM   
ThorsHammer


Posts: 49
Joined: 1/1/2004
Status: offline 		I've been gone for a while .... busy with "babes."

I'm a two tour Viet Nam Vet. As a result .... I have a few "bats in the attic" I've had to, and still do, have to deal with.

Pathfinder made a very astute observation . If your Dom is like most of the good Doms I know ... I'd be willing to bet he is very concerned about you and your safety. Here in the forums much has been written much about how a good Dom has to be in control of himself at all times particularily when we are involved in our activities. SSC ... emphasis on Safe, right. The fear of not being in control of yourself is scary. It is a feeling that is very hard to overcome. I know from personal experience.

LordODiscipline presented you with very good advice .... seeking a kink aware profession to work with you both. You are in this together and the solving of this problem should involve each of you. In my humble opinion, I think this is a very good avenue to explore. I know there are "kink friendly" professionals who can help you. While working through the baggage left from my divorce many years ago, I found one. She was extremely helpful. Not only did she help me with some of my divorce issues but also help me feel much more comfortable about our lifestyle.

Good luck to you both .....

Donn

(in reply to surfergirl)
Profile   Post #: 10
RE: War Vetrans and BDSM - 6/10/2005 12:22:30 PM   
sarbonn


Posts: 203
Joined: 3/23/2004
Status: offline 		I'd suggest some therapy, honestly. I did the same thing when I finally got out of the service. But make sure he understands to be careful about the therapist because I went through my first therapist who somehow decided PTSD wasn't as important as "curing" me from my submissive lifestyle.

_____________________________

Give a man a fish, he eats for a day...
...teach a man to fish, he steals your fishing hole and then charges you for the fish.

(in reply to surfergirl)
Profile   Post #: 11
RE: War Vetrans and BDSM - 6/10/2005 2:00:02 PM   
ProScatman


Posts: 167
Joined: 5/28/2004
From: Ohio
Status: offline 		Wow, did you open up a can of worms for me! Don't worry, it's ok! I am also a Marine Vet with PTSD from the Vietnam War. I still have issues today, but I have them under control for the most part--not vice versa. It took me several years (6) to be exact, before I'd even talk about it! We weren't debriefed--just discharged at El Toro MAB, in Santa Ana, Calf. I can't discribe in words how screwed up my head was back then, and because of it, I made some bad choices that I've had to live with. The old saying it takes one to know one has special meaning for us. I know I got more help from other vets than I did from professionals! I would suggest working out the vet problem with other vets, and the lifestyle hangups with a supportive theripest who accepts, understands, and works with folks in the community here. There are some very knowledgeable people here, and I'm sure someone can hook you up with the right counselor. Semper Fi
Just a side note FYI. A friend of mine who was a POW almost threw a theripest out a 3rd story window at the V.A. Outpatient Clinic! They push you to your limits there, so research and send a scout first! I'm not implying all VA facilities use this type of therapy, but ...my friend hasn't been back since! They did more harm than good, and my friend now confides in alcohol and me.
quote:

ORIGINAL: surfergirl

My Domme, who is also my husband of 14 years, is/was a marine who served in Desert Storm (the first Iraq war).
We just had a long talk about how he is having a hard time during play getting into a zone bacuase he is very afraid of losing control.
He has post tramatic stress disorder. And has been in treatment with other service memebers for it.
I totaly trust him, however for some odd reason that I can not understand he is not trusting himself. Which concerns me, because I want him to experiance the pleasure of the power exchange. He says he is totaly satisfied with everything and enjoys the sadistic play, but will not let his head get to into it.
Anyone have this experiance and any suggestions?



_____________________________

The objection to Puritans is not that they try to make us think as they do, but that they try to make us do as they think.

Have a good day, Mike

(in reply to surfergirl)
Profile   Post #: 12
RE: War Vetrans and BDSM - 1/20/2007 1:41:02 PM   
shigglyboom


Posts: 110
Joined: 10/10/2005
Status: offline 		Question re PTSD:

In a case like ProScatman relates, should therapist have been able to tell what was coming? Are there signs visible to others that the PTSD volcano is about to blow?

shig

quote:

ProScatman
A friend of mine who was a POW almost threw a theripest out a 3rd story window at the V.A. Outpatient Clinic! They push you to your limits there, so research and send a scout first! I'm not implying all VA facilities use this type of therapy, but ...my friend hasn't been back since! They did more harm than good, and my friend now confides in alcohol and me.


< Message edited by shigglyboom -- 1/20/2007 1:42:29 PM >

(in reply to ProScatman)
Profile   Post #: 13
RE: War Vetrans and BDSM - 1/20/2007 2:16:45 PM   
KatyLied


Posts: 13029
Joined: 2/24/2005
From: Pennsylvania
Status: offline 		Shigglyboom....is it really you?  It's good to see you here.




_____________________________

“If you want to live a happy life, tie it to a goal, not to people or things.”
- Albert Einstein

(in reply to shigglyboom)
Profile   Post #: 14
RE: War Vetrans and BDSM - 1/20/2007 2:27:26 PM   
shigglyboom


Posts: 110
Joined: 10/10/2005
Status: offline 		Hi Katy,

Thanks! This is a great place for answers and community, so I just keep coming back..... Nice to see your smiling...er...collarbone!

shig

(in reply to KatyLied)
Profile   Post #: 15
RE: War Vetrans and BDSM - 1/20/2007 7:12:55 PM   
Noah


Posts: 1660
Joined: 7/5/2005
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: shigglyboom

Hi Katy,

Thanks! This is a great place for answers and community, so I just keep coming back..... Nice to see your smiling...er...collarbone!

shig


Hey. Would you two take your foreplay to another thread?

And be sure to send me the link.

(in reply to shigglyboom)
Profile   Post #: 16
RE: War Vetrans and BDSM - 1/20/2007 7:16:48 PM   
KatyLied


Posts: 13029
Joined: 2/24/2005
From: Pennsylvania
Status: offline 		haha!

_____________________________

“If you want to live a happy life, tie it to a goal, not to people or things.”
- Albert Einstein

(in reply to Noah)
Profile   Post #: 17
RE: War Vetrans and BDSM - 1/20/2007 8:28:39 PM   
hisannabelle


Posts: 1992
Joined: 12/3/2006
From: Tallahassee, FL, USA
Status: offline 		i suffer from post traumatic stress disorder (due to sexual trauma), and my dominant, who is a vet of a few wars, has in the past (due to experiences in vietnam). his and my coping mechanisms, i think, have been very different, though. i know that he said that the way he broke through it was to work with a therapist and keep going over and over again the events that caused it until he actually felt some emotion towards it...a lot of the ptsd symptoms were because of the fact that he (like me) could talk about it like it was happening to someone else.

my biggest piece of advice would be to seek a kink-aware professional, because this is such a personal and intense issue that it really needs some one-on-one attention. best of luck to you :)  

(in reply to KatyLied)
Profile   Post #: 18
RE: War Vetrans and BDSM - 1/21/2007 7:42:56 AM   
LeatherBentOne


Posts: 469
Joined: 9/27/2005
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: Oumae

Have you close friends who you would be comfortable playing in front of? Might help if he knew there was someone else there to watch out for you both.

Oumae


Great idea.  Also a drug called Neurontin works wonders for post traumatic stress syndrome.

(in reply to Oumae)
Profile   Post #: 19
RE: War Vetrans and BDSM - 1/21/2007 8:04:57 AM   
gandalf0297


Posts: 148
Joined: 8/6/2006
Status: offline 		It takes a vet to know what a vet has been through. All the drugs in the world are not going to do any good until one has folks around that went through the same things. all the silly civilian shrinks in the world will do more harm than good. been there done that.

(in reply to LeatherBentOne)
Profile   Post #: 20
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