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Any Thoughts? - 5/26/2005 3:41:43 PM   
calliope


Posts: 2
Joined: 4/19/2005
Status: offline 		Hey A/all...this is me delurking. I have been reading for awhile, and have been in chat some. I am new to BDSM, but have ALWAYS known I was a sub. I am 42, and married to someone who is totally vanilla . Here is my situation....I met a man, my Dom, online a couple of months ago. We have had some phone time as well. Our interests are similar, and i like Him very much. (hard to resist a Dom who promises handcuff me and feed me Merlot and chocolate, among sooo many other things.) My question is this....how do i know it is safe to be with him in real life?He says that he adores me with all of his heart, and cherishes my gift.... My intuition is generally good, and everything tells me he is a good Man, and a great Dom. Is my intuition right? Help!
Profile   Post #: 1
RE: Any Thoughts? - 5/26/2005 4:08:00 PM   
sub4hire


Posts: 6775
Joined: 1/1/2004
Status: offline 		Aside from the moral issues. You don't know if he is safe to meet. You have to take that chance on your own. Hope he is. Hope you don't hurt yourself and your family.

The best way to keep yourself safe is via a safe call. Have his info. Meet in a very public place..and don't go anywhere private with him. Everybody meshes well together on the computer it is the real world in person. At this moment you still don't know.

When I was meeting potentials I had a copy of their driver's licenses. No idea if other's did the same thing I did or not. However if anything were to ever happen to me it was all well documented. Then again I only met in public places as well.

Some people save their chats. Some save e-mails. They figure if they end up hurt at least the detectives on their murder case may go into the computer and find out who it was. Odd's are they will, however they won't until they are already dead.

Just use common sense, that is severely lacking in this lifestyle.


(in reply to calliope)
Profile   Post #: 2
RE: Any Thoughts? - 5/26/2005 7:15:59 PM   
fastlane


Posts: 2159
Joined: 5/26/2005
Status: offline 		Trust your instincts, but always be careful and safe. Let other's know where you are going and who you will be with, then cover your tracks.

(in reply to sub4hire)
Profile   Post #: 3
RE: Any Thoughts? - 5/26/2005 7:49:52 PM   
gretchen


Posts: 121
Joined: 3/8/2005
From: Santiago, Chile
Status: offline 		...uhm...what Sub4hire said, and one small delicious tip:

Instead of Merlot I would suggest any kind of bubbly wine, or any other bubbly drink, like a champagne Brut (light enough to refresh your mouth after the heaviness of chocolate, and has the great quality of living that wonderful taste in the back of your tongue). Merlot is way too dense and bitter for desserts or other sweet meals. Keep your Merlot for salty or acidic foods, or italian (cheesse, smoked meats, etc.). Don't mix sweet liquor with chocolates bites, unless you want to fall sleep while playing...

(in reply to sub4hire)
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RE: Any Thoughts? - 5/26/2005 8:13:21 PM   
EmeraldSlave2


Posts: 3645
Joined: 1/1/2004
Status: offline 		I disagree that the "best" way to keep yourself safe is with a safe call, but that's another topic and I don't feel like getting into another round of that right now.

Ask yourself how do you feel safe with any random person you meet in real life that you've never met before?

And be honest with yourself- if you don't feel safe then you don't feel safe, don't take the risk and have your safe call having to call the police.

As far as hard to resist, that's not what this is about. Sure its hot as hell to fantasize about that sort of thing, and even pretty hot to do them, but think of the consequences. You're new to all of this, you're new to him, don't rush it. You're job here is to act like an independent responsible adult- even when you're feeling like a hot wet little girl slut who just wants to wallow in sex and kink.

(in reply to gretchen)
Profile   Post #: 5
RE: Any Thoughts? - 5/26/2005 8:24:40 PM   
ginger21


Posts: 173
Joined: 4/28/2005
From: Austin, Texas
Status: offline 		Like sub4hire said, you can't ever be sure it's safe to meet. I think the best you can do is take precautions during your first meeting. Go somewhere public and make sure people know where you are or who you're with.

BTW, is your spouse cool with your lifestyle choice?

_____________________________

My Xanga!
What?
"I looked up,
and I was in your arms, and I knew that I was captured..."

(in reply to calliope)
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RE: Any Thoughts? - 5/27/2005 12:30:39 AM   
proudsub


Posts: 6142
Joined: 1/31/2004
From: Washington
Status: offline
quote:

My question is this....how do i know it is safe to be with him in real life?He says that he adores me with all of his heart, and cherishes my gift.... My intuition is generally good, and everything tells me he is a good Man, and a great Dom. Is my intuition right? Help!


You might feel a little better if you google his real name, all his screen names, his email addy and his phone number just to be sure nothing unusual shows up.

BTW I was in a similar situation a few years ago. I had a D/s affair that Hubby found out about. I never thought He would understand my submissive desires so I didn't go to Him first. Well I was wrong and Hubby is now my Dom. I don't know if you have discussed this with your hubby or not, but it might be worth a shot. Good luck with whatever you decide.

_____________________________

proudsub

"Without goals you become what you were. With goals you become what you wish." .

"You are entitled to your own opinions but not your own facts"--Alan Greenspan


(in reply to calliope)
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RE: Any Thoughts? - 5/27/2005 12:36:01 AM   
proudsub


Posts: 6142
Joined: 1/31/2004
From: Washington
Status: offline
I know you didn't ask for suggestions about your vanilla marriage, but if you are interested, here is a recent thread about it, and in that thread are links to several other pertinent threads.

sub married to non dom

_____________________________

proudsub

"Without goals you become what you were. With goals you become what you wish." .

"You are entitled to your own opinions but not your own facts"--Alan Greenspan


(in reply to calliope)
Profile   Post #: 8
RE: Any Thoughts? - 5/27/2005 6:36:23 AM   
Manawyddan


Posts: 701
Joined: 1/2/2005
From: Petaluma (Northern California)
Status: offline 		Is he safe enough to put your marriage at risk? Because that's exactly what you're doing. I can understand the difficulty of loving someone but being unsatisfied in the relationship, but having an affair is not the solution.

If you are truly having problems, discuss them with your husband. If you decide he's not the right man for you, so be it, but he deserves better than to be cuckolded.

_____________________________

_______________________________________________
"She always had a terrific sense of humor"
(Valerie Solonas, as described by her mother)
_______________________________________________

(in reply to calliope)
Profile   Post #: 9
RE: Any Thoughts? - 5/27/2005 9:08:47 AM   
BeachMystress


Posts: 2156
Joined: 4/3/2004
From: Naples Island- Long Beach CA - Southern California
Status: offline
ok, not to be the killjoy, but no alcohol in session. Even wonderful stuff. *smiles* You're new, so you might not have run into people saying this, but alcohol lowers inhibitions. You need to be in full possession of your senses when submitting or Dominating. Taking away any of your inhibitions can let things go too far. As a married sub, you need to not bring home marks and such.

As to safety, always trust your gut feeling. Meet in a very public place and park so that your license plate isn't visible. Do not let the person walk you to your car. If you meet somewhere like a mall, go window shopping afterwards. Let the other person leave before you if possible. Safe calls are a good idea. (Although I never did them.. *shrugs* I do recommend them still.) Be aware of your surroundings and if you feel uncomfortable, be ready to walk away and ask the staff of the establishment for assistance. If you meet in a mall, be ready to ask security to walk you to your car. Err on the side of caution.

Personally, I do not have a problem with a married person having a Dom/sub outside of their marriage, but do feel that you should take proud's experience under consideration. I bet her marriage is much enhanced by the new element of BDSM. It can be hard to approach a partner with such a request straight out.. not only do you have the fear of rejection, you have the fear that they'll think you are sick. Rather than broaching the subject in conversation, perhaps you could have your bathrobe with the robe tie close to the bed (or one of his ties or a pair of stockings) and when you're getting amorous, playfully whisper in his ear to grab the tie and tie your hands.. be playful and happy. If he declines, go ahead and enjoy the moment without it and you know he'll probably not respond well to being your Dom. Most men though, will grab that tie and take the mild kink offered. If he does tie your wrists, respond with passion that he's not seen in you since the early days of your marriage. You're giving him positive reinforcement. Keep something handy to tie you up near the bed. Instigate sex and again, suggest the tie. Do this a few times and hopefully he'll reach for the tie on his own soon.. Once you have that step done, and he's tied you of his own volition, up the ante. Next time you're going to be amorous, whisper in his ear that you've been naughty. Wiggle your butt at him. If he needs more encouragement, actually say I've been a baaaaaad girl and I need a spanking. Wiggle your butt at him cutely. Always, when he responds to a kink positively, reward him with extreme passion. Be very nice the next day, tell him how much what you did turned you on. Leading him this way, you stand a good chance of "making" your Dom. Good Luck.

_____________________________

Beach Mystress
*Do not threaten the weak. Intimidate the strong. ~ Stevenson*
http://beachmystress.jigsy.com
http://www.flickr.com/photos/beachmystress/

(in reply to calliope)
Profile   Post #: 10
RE: Any Thoughts? - 5/27/2005 9:15:21 AM   
Lordandmaster


Posts: 10943
Joined: 6/22/2004
Status: offline 		^

That's all really good advice.

(in reply to BeachMystress)
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RE: Any Thoughts? - 5/27/2005 12:09:35 PM   
FelinePersuasion


Posts: 4792
Joined: 11/20/2004
Status: offline 		Liqour during any scene is not a smart Idea, I am suprised the dominant didn't know this, or didn't tell her.


All the saftey bdsm lists say no liqour or drugs, well most of them. I would be veeeeeeeeeeery supicious of someone who made drinking a part of the "romance" of the first meet.

(in reply to Lordandmaster)
Profile   Post #: 12
RE: Any Thoughts? - 5/27/2005 4:37:47 PM   
proudsub


Posts: 6142
Joined: 1/31/2004
From: Washington
Status: offline
quote:

but do feel that you should take proud's experience under consideration. I bet her marriage is much enhanced by the new element of BDSM.


That's very true, my marriage is stronger than ever but we are still working on the trust issue. He still wants to know where i've been if i am gone very long. You gave very good advice Beach Mystress. Another thing that helped a lot with Hubby was watching some bondage videos together and commenting on them, and also shopping together at an adult store.

_____________________________

proudsub

"Without goals you become what you were. With goals you become what you wish." .

"You are entitled to your own opinions but not your own facts"--Alan Greenspan


(in reply to BeachMystress)
Profile   Post #: 13
RE: Any Thoughts? - 5/27/2005 5:53:57 PM   
Estring


Posts: 3314
Joined: 1/1/2004
Status: offline
quote:

All the saftey bdsm lists say no liqour or drugs, well most of them. I would be veeeeeeeeeeery supicious of someone who made drinking a part of the "romance" of the first meet.


Actually, there should be no scening on the first meeting in my opinion.
I don't see a problem with alcohol and playing in general. My slave drinks at times when we play. Of course I always limit the amount she consumes and she always obeys

(in reply to FelinePersuasion)
Profile   Post #: 14
RE: Any Thoughts? - 5/27/2005 6:48:37 PM   
knees2you


Posts: 2336
Joined: 3/15/2004
Status: offline 		I Agree with Sub4hire.
I would watch my step.

But then I would tell Your Husband before Someone Really gets Hurt
Physically or Mentally~

Just watched a Program Where this Woman had gotten Her face Blown off by Her Husband! "Sick, Husband!"
And She survived. Her Mother was not so lucky~
He thought She was cheating, and was not~

Sincerely, Ant

(in reply to calliope)
Profile   Post #: 15
RE: Any Thoughts? - 6/29/2005 1:23:25 PM   
Hissweetshiv


Posts: 200
Joined: 6/24/2005
Status: offline 		I have to agree with Estring. The amount of alcohol is VERY important. "No drinking and scening" is a good rule of thumb but one drink isn't going to affect MOST people's judgement. It is indeed a very good idea to have safe calls though, and meet in a public place. Also, you can ask for references. Yes, you heard me - granted He's not going to want you calling His boss asking if He's a good Top, but before i came to visit Master (2500 miles, i couldn't possibly meet Him at the mall lol) i had spoken to both His parents and His best friend. And for heaven's sake, if you aren't sure, don't let Him tie you up!
be well and be safe
~shiv

(in reply to knees2you)
Profile   Post #: 16
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