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slavemaia -> the heart of a slave (6/6/2007 5:37:23 PM)
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i've read these boards, responded to some for many months now. Initially i did so while i was free or involved in situations that i settled for rather than continue on alone. i've read all the posts regarding the difference between a sub and a slave ad nausea - and if there is or is not anything as a "real" slave or "real" submissive. i'm no expert and don't even have as much experience as many of the other members of this site. What i have to offer is my opinion based on my own experience as a real life 24/7 slave. As i continue on this road i am literally startled to learn the there is indeed such a thing as a true or real slave because i'm discovering myself to be one.
This has nothing to do with protocols, kinks, demands, kneeling, posturing or anything. It is simply a place within me that finds peace, calm and joy in His command. i am discovering that slavery is not voluntary - it's like saying i choose to be who i am or i choose not to be who i am. i am who i am whether i want to act like it or not. If i pretend to be someone or something else, it does not make me stop being me. i don't choose to be a slave - i am a slave and the reality is that in submission to my Master i experience who i am. i don't know why or how, i just know that it is.
i've also learned, and again i will repeat i'm speaking only of my own experience, that as a slave i will only, can only submit to One who cannot or will not be controlled or owned by me. Sounds weird huh? But it's true. i cannot submit to anyone i can control and thereby own. i have to be who i am and my Master will not tip toe around my nonsense or even attempt to beat it out of me. He will simply continue being who He is and this deep recognition of the undeniable fact that i cannot rule Him, brings me to my knees in gratitude and in worship of His strength and character.
i believe that all i can honestly do on a conscious level is choose to participate in attitudes and behaviors that support who i am. i cannot make myself be a slave if i'm not one and no Master or Dominant can either. i am driven by who i am deep in my soul - but i cannot be this by myself - i need Him - i need His control, His authority and i kneel in gratitude that He is willing to extend the effort it takes for Him to be who He is and move past the societal conditioning that works against who we truly are individually and together.
i know i have no question here. Sorry if that offends. i just felt the need to share my heart with Y/you all in the hopes that if there's someone seeking to understand who they are and why they maybe don't look like what they think they're supposed to look like to fit the "mold" that this writing may help them in some way.
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