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Dom with me, sub online? - 6/7/2007 11:57:41 AM   
naomifai


Posts: 15
Joined: 4/27/2007
Status: offline 		I've got a problem I'd like to solve. I've been with an awesome man for about 2 years now. He's Dom, I'm a sub. We've talked about doing 24/7, but it's never quite worked out. In any case, twice now (one very recent) since we've been together I've been able to Google him and pull up posts from him (on this website even...if you're reading, just come clean! It'll be fun!) posing as a "submissive" looking for female Dommes. I've confronted him, but he emphatically denies it and denies ever having ANY interest in switching.

I know he does. I can tell. And it's definitely him posting. The thing is, our sex has been pretty awful as of late and I'd LOVE to switch. So my question: how can I convince him to admit it and maybe start having some fun again? Or any super-hot Domme tips to be a bit more subtle about it?

On a more serious note, I'm extremely concerned about this communication breakdown and it makes me worry he'll be looking for action outside of us. I really want the secrecy to stop.

Would it be a terrible idea to send him a message to his sub profile on CM explaining this to him?
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RE: Dom with me, sub online? - 6/7/2007 12:01:17 PM   
imthatacheyouhav


Posts: 1259
Joined: 4/16/2007
Status: offline 		A private e-mail thru here is a good idea...one i personally would have went with 1st....

_____________________________

*if you don't stand for something, you'll fall for anything*
**collared July 22 2007 by LordKen**

(in reply to naomifai)
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RE: Dom with me, sub online? - 6/7/2007 1:54:40 PM   
earthycouple


Posts: 4462
Joined: 2/19/2006
Status: offline 		Oh yes...talk to him about this....or get out.  lying seldom gets better by itself, if at all.

_____________________________

D~

Seeking, searching, hoping, living, loving, jumping. So what's new with you?

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RE: Dom with me, sub online? - 6/7/2007 3:41:24 PM   
stella40


Posts: 417
Joined: 1/11/2006
From: London, UK
Status: offline 		You remember the Kate Bush song 'Babooshka'? I'd do something similar. I mean, why should he have all the fun?

Reinvent yourself as a Domme, different image, come across as someone different, write him a long message - you decide how long you want to keep this up for - this will give you all the information (and ammunition) you will need. And then... when you've got him hooked, reveal your true identity.

If he backs off from your Domme image and becomes suddenly interested in you as a sub again, then you will know you will have something to talk about.

Either way I wish you well and hope it turns out for the best.

_____________________________

I try to take one day at a time, but several days come and attack me at once. (Jennifer Unlimited)

If you can't be a good example then you'll just have to be a horrible warning.


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RE: Dom with me, sub online? - 6/7/2007 5:34:09 PM   
LadyHeart


Posts: 561
Joined: 5/7/2007
Status: offline 		If games are already being played, further game playing is unlikely to improve the situation. I'm guessing that he is wrestling with a common problem. He wants to experience some of the sensations of being a bottom, but without giving up his picture of himself as a Dominant. You say the sex is bad. That may be a good starting point. Ask if you can swap roles for a change or try out a few things on him. That way, he can still be Dominant, but have the experiences he craves. A lot of people who know all the D/s theory think in black and white and pin labels on themselves and others.Rreal life is not so black and white. I once participated in a scene where a gay male pro Dom was bottoming to a heterosexual female pro Domme. It didnt make him straight or submissive, just someone secure in his own identity. That's my take on it, for what it's worth. Worth a shot, anyway... Have fun!
:))
LH

_____________________________

"BDSM is not an excuse for bad manners."

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RE: Dom with me, sub online? - 6/7/2007 5:46:28 PM   
Trampler


Posts: 580
Joined: 12/31/2006
Status: offline 		Stella, for some reason, that idea reminded me of the Pina Colada song. *snickers*.  Oh damn, now I want one

(in reply to LadyHeart)
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RE: Dom with me, sub online? - 6/7/2007 7:11:50 PM   
naomifai


Posts: 15
Joined: 4/27/2007
Status: offline
quote:

Ask if you can swap roles for a change or try out a few things on him. That way, he can still be Dominant, but have the experiences he craves.


I wish he was that secure...unfortunately he reacts very strongly to any suggestion of switching, even light hearted joking.

quote:

Reinvent yourself as a Domme, different image, come across as someone different, write him a long message


I wish I were that secure. I've got a 0 tolerance policy for cheating, though, and I'm not prepared for the consequences if he were to actually fall for it (I'm hoping that the ratio of male subs to female Dommes is distorted enough that he won't be able to find any here).


In any case, I sent him a short, to the point e-mail. I'm hoping he responds - it'll drive me crazy if he tries to pretend it's not him. Not to mention drive a huge awkward wedge between us.






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RE: Dom with me, sub online? - 6/7/2007 7:19:27 PM   
Lashra


Posts: 4900
Joined: 2/9/2006
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: naomifai

I wish he was that secure...unfortunately he reacts very strongly to any suggestion of switching, even light hearted joking.



If the communication is breaking down and the sex is going down the tubes those are two big indicators that something is definitely wrong. The quote above caught my eye and it makes me wonder if he is struggling with the issue of wanting to bottom and yet not wanting you to see him as anything other than Dominant or if he has a Domme already and would feel that he is betraying her by switching with you. 

Whatever is happening is not a good thing and you definitely need to start talking or you may end up having to leave.

~Lashra


_____________________________

“We can never judge the lives of others, because each person knows only their own pain and renunciation. It's one thing to feel that you are on the right path, but it's another to think that yours is the only path.”






(in reply to naomifai)
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RE: Dom with me, sub online? - 6/7/2007 8:06:10 PM   
LadyHeart


Posts: 561
Joined: 5/7/2007
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: naomifai

quote:

Ask if you can swap roles for a change or try out a few things on him. That way, he can still be Dominant, but have the experiences he craves.


I wish he was that secure...unfortunately he reacts very strongly to any suggestion of switching, even light hearted joking.


That was really my point - that you have to avoid any suggestion of his Domliness being in question. Using emotionally charged words like "switch" will trigger his issues. But to ask his Dom-ly permission if you might pretty please try something on him - he just might buy it. I would have to agree that your relationship sounds as though it is in deep trouble. At least you know you've tried, if it doesn't work out.
Hugs
:))
LH

_____________________________

"BDSM is not an excuse for bad manners."

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RE: Dom with me, sub online? - 6/7/2007 10:04:49 PM   
DawnFire


Posts: 78
Joined: 3/17/2007
Status: offline 		Yeah, I'd have to agree that it all sounds like trouble.  Open communication is very important in a realationship, if not most important.  Good luck, I hope he responds too, with the truth and with an apology.   Whether he's Dom or sub, he owes you at least that for lieing to you.

-Dawn

(in reply to LadyHeart)
Profile   Post #: 10
RE: Dom with me, sub online? - 6/7/2007 10:23:05 PM   
naomifai


Posts: 15
Joined: 4/27/2007
Status: offline 		The posters who said there's trouble. You're right.

I did something crappy - after finding a profile that was undeniably him, I checked it against his computer's history. And it's him.

I just asked him if he had a CM profile and he lied. I begged him to tell the truth, told him I have one (he knew this) and that I'd be OK with it. He still lied. When I told him I'd checked his history, he made a lame attempt to deny it again but refused to let me show it to him in his history - he knows.

I'm shaking right now. He even whipped out the "have I ever lied to you before?" bit (before he knew I knew beyond a doubt). How many times has he used that in the past and been untruthful? I actually believed him. What can I do now? What if he's actually cheating on me? ...and would it be irrational to e-mail every Domme in the area on this site to tell them he's taken? (I'm only half joking...)

(in reply to naomifai)
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RE: Dom with me, sub online? - 6/7/2007 10:56:14 PM   
LadyHeart


Posts: 561
Joined: 5/7/2007
Status: offline 		You're at a make or break point where you can: use this as a lever to get into some honest communication; walk away; or live with the lie. You're going to have to do some serious thinking, and my heart goes out to you. My suggestion - get out of the you did/I didn't dynamic, and put those choices to him. If he's the man you hope he is, he'll go with Option A. If he doesn't, then it's up to you what comes next, but you're asking yourself the right questions when you ask "what else is he lying about?" Trust is the bottom line in BDSM.
Big hugs
:))
LH

_____________________________

"BDSM is not an excuse for bad manners."

(in reply to naomifai)
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RE: Dom with me, sub online? - 6/7/2007 11:59:47 PM   
RealDom69


Posts: 64
Joined: 4/7/2005
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: LadyHeart

You're at a make or break point where you can: use this as a lever to get into some honest communication; walk away; or live with the lie. You're going to have to do some serious thinking, and my heart goes out to you. My suggestion - get out of the you did/I didn't dynamic, and put those choices to him. If he's the man you hope he is, he'll go with Option A. If he doesn't, then it's up to you what comes next, but you're asking yourself the right questions when you ask "what else is he lying about?" Trust is the bottom line in BDSM.
Big hugs
:))
LH


Well said, you truly are a wise lady.....
and a big hug from me also.

:))
Johnny Reble

_____________________________

"Winners make things happen; losers let things happen."

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RE: Dom with me, sub online? - 6/8/2007 12:17:38 AM   
naomifai


Posts: 15
Joined: 4/27/2007
Status: offline 		Thanks LadyHeart - you're advice was sane and gave me some perspective. I'm wondering if y'all could help me out a bit more.

We just continued the fight/discussion for the past 2 hours. During which he kept lieing to me, and then when I'd coax it out of him he'd change his story. He'd say he was being honest, then change the story after a break and go on to another lie. For example: he was on here to watch my usage, the submissive meant nothing>he was at one point interested in submission but not any more. He was on here just to "fuck with" people and make fun of their grammar>he's talking to a submissive woman that he dated for a short time a few years a go and sending her sexy e-mails.

I believe him when he says he's never cheated on me in real life. I don't know if I buy the story that he's talking to a girl he's never mentioned before - could be a long-term ex that he still has feelings for. I don't know if I buy that he has no emotional relationship with her, or that she has a boyfriend. I don't know if I buy that he doesn't have an online Domme. He claims the e-mails from Dommes are just spam from Pros - I didn't read them, so I have no way to know. Is this common? Would it be out of bounds to e-mail the ones I saw in his history and ask?

He says if he showed me his e-mail it'd ruin our relationship and it'd deteriorate into paranoia - is this a valid point? Should I make an ultimatum out of reading them or do I need to trust him on this? Last time he claimed he was completely honest and had nothing further to come clean about.

This feels really huge and hurtful to me - mostly the point about him sending kinky e-mails to an ex for a while now and lieing by ommision of that fact (and I've asked him if he still talks to any exes). Is this beyond the point where working at the relationship could work? We've only got 3 months together before we've gotta have an LDR.

(in reply to RealDom69)
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RE: Dom with me, sub online? - 6/8/2007 1:05:46 AM   
LadyHeart


Posts: 561
Joined: 5/7/2007
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: naomifai

He claims the e-mails from Dommes are just spam from Pros - I didn't read them, so I have no way to know. Is this common? Would it be out of bounds to e-mail the ones I saw in his history and ask?


If you emailed them, could you really believe their replies? This is between you and him, not the third parties involved.

The discussions you are currently having are still not getting to the heart of the matter, but at least you've got beyond flat denial.
The thing you need to keep circling back to with him is: What is this REALLY about? Because there's more to it than just hang up's with ex's if the sex has gone bad between you.

Now that you're both starting to calm down, you need to convey to him that you're ready to listen - without interrupting - and that you are prepared to hear the truth no matter how gruesome it might be. That you really want to save the relationship, but you know there's something wrong and you are ready to get it out in the open. (But you have to mean it.)

Last resort - counselling. Find someone reputable and ask him to accompany you while you seek help for you - if he's too Dom'ly to go together a lot of men will accept this approach. It's not an easy thing you're facing, but handled in as adult a fashion as you can, it could be the making of your relationship and the beginning of true communication between you. Try to rise above the immediate hurt and if you want him in your long term future, focus on getting him to open up.

More big hugs
:))
LH

_____________________________

"BDSM is not an excuse for bad manners."

(in reply to naomifai)
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RE: Dom with me, sub online? - 6/8/2007 1:22:11 AM   
SireKane


Posts: 105
Joined: 1/22/2004
Status: offline 		"I don't know if I buy that he doesn't have an online Domme. He claims the e-mails from Dommes are just spam from Pros - I didn't read them, so I have no way to know. Is this common? Would it be out of bounds to e-mail the ones I saw in his history and ask?

He says if he showed me his e-mail it'd ruin our relationship and it'd deteriorate into paranoia "

You can't make firm plans with shakey people. The foundation in your relationship is crumbling. I think it's time for you to move on. Sounds like your "dominant" man is really  a conflicted submissive male.

Kane

(in reply to LadyHeart)
Profile   Post #: 16
RE: Dom with me, sub online? - 6/8/2007 5:08:33 AM   
Lashra


Posts: 4900
Joined: 2/9/2006
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: SireKane

"I don't know if I buy that he doesn't have an online Domme. He claims the e-mails from Dommes are just spam from Pros - I didn't read them, so I have no way to know. Is this common? Would it be out of bounds to e-mail the ones I saw in his history and ask?

He says if he showed me his e-mail it'd ruin our relationship and it'd deteriorate into paranoia "

You can't make firm plans with shakey people. The foundation in your relationship is crumbling. I think it's time for you to move on. Sounds like your "dominant" man is really  a conflicted submissive male.

Kane

I have to agree with what SireKane has stated. Your Dom, I do believe is a conflicted submissive. It is not easy to go from Dominant to submissive, particularly for most men. My sub was a Master when I met him and we've gone threw some ups and downs. But now that he has realized that he is submissive and admits it, he is so much happier.

My advice is stop arguing with him and realize he has issues, one of which is being truthful. Do you really want a Dom who is going to lie to you and that you cannot trust? Consider it a lesson learned and move on.

Good Luck,
~Lashra


_____________________________

“We can never judge the lives of others, because each person knows only their own pain and renunciation. It's one thing to feel that you are on the right path, but it's another to think that yours is the only path.”






(in reply to SireKane)
Profile   Post #: 17
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