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Shy subs...good or bad? - 6/8/2007 1:09:54 AM

Einzelganger

Posts: 221
Joined: 4/8/2007
From: Orlando, FL
Status: offline

I've been thinking about this for quite some time, so I thought I'd ask you all.

Is it considered a negative point to you, if a male submissive is very quiet, and very shy, in real life? And the reason I specifically asked regarding male submissives is that many men think shy women are attractive, and most vanilla women I know like outgoing men, or ones who behave as though they're confident.

One of the things going through my mind is that I keep hearing people give one another such dating advice as 'be more outgoing, don't be shy, be more confident'. So, apparently, having a shy nature is not a positive attribute in the vanilla world. But what if one is shy, quiet, and reserved, yet lacks no confidence whatsoever?

Another thing I've always wondered is wether or not being a quiet submissive is a valued trait. Children in the 50's were often told such things as Children should be seen, not heard. So, is that something that can be positively applied as a submissive (perhaps silence in service, or at BDSM functions?), or should I actually heed the typical 'be more outgoing' advice?

These are the two main points that I'm always wondering about, and wether they differ with respect to D/s...so asking my vanilla friends doesn't exactly help. So, do any of you have any specific preference or advice in this regard?

Thank you in advance for your time. *smiles*

-Einzelgänger

Post #: 1

RE: Shy subs...good or bad? - 6/8/2007 1:43:58 AM

LadyPact

Posts: 32566
Status: offline

I don't consider shyness a downfall at all. It tends to make Me think that they are more reserved, and have special qualities that are reserved just for Me. It allows Me to get to know the inner person in more quiet moments. Nothing wrong with that at all.

Do I have a preference? I would have to say no. That is basically because I consider this trait to be more about the person I'm connecting with, rather than wanting one over the other. I'll still take the shy, quiet type out with Me to events, etc. It may make him break his comfort zone a bit, but a good submissive will do his best.

(in reply to Einzelganger)

Post #: 2

RE: Shy subs...good or bad? - 6/8/2007 2:06:28 AM

LadyEllen

Posts: 10931
Joined: 6/30/2006
From: Stourport-England
Status: offline

Only one experience, so maybe not representative. It was a pain in the neck to be honest as he wouldnt go anywhere and I like to go out. It didnt last above the second excuse. Mind you, he also lacked confidence in himself in general.

Last one was much better, a lot more like me. That wont go anywhere above occasional play sessions though; its very difficult as it is, what with us having been friends at middle school in another life. Always suspected he was a bit weird!

E

_____________________________

In a test against the leading brand, 9 out of 10 participants couldnt tell the difference. Dumbasses.

(in reply to LadyPact)

Post #: 3

RE: Shy subs...good or bad? - 6/8/2007 5:05:38 AM

earthycouple

Posts: 4462
Joined: 2/19/2006
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: Einzelganger

I've been thinking about this for quite some time, so I thought I'd ask you all.

Is it considered a negative point to you, if a male submissive is very quiet, and very shy, in real life? And the reason I specifically asked regarding male submissives is that many men think shy women are attractive, and most vanilla women I know like outgoing men, or ones who behave as though they're confident. I actually have always been more attracted to shy men. I was always the one pulling they guy out of the corner at parties and trying to get to know him.

One of the things going through my mind is that I keep hearing people give one another such dating advice as 'be more outgoing, don't be shy, be more confident'. So, apparently, having a shy nature is not a positive attribute in the vanilla world. But what if one is shy, quiet, and reserved, yet lacks no confidence whatsoever? I think the reason I like these guys is I want to help them gain confidence and feel appreciated. In turn they can appreciate me! (That sounds so self serving)

Another thing I've always wondered is wether or not being a quiet submissive is a valued trait. Children in the 50's were often told such things as Children should be seen, not heard. So, is that something that can be positively applied as a submissive (perhaps silence in service, or at BDSM functions?), or should I actually heed the typical 'be more outgoing' advice? There are times when both are appropriate and my Robert would know in advance what I require.

These are the two main points that I'm always wondering about, and wether they differ with respect to D/s...so asking my vanilla friends doesn't exactly help. So, do any of you have any specific preference or advice in this regard? Having said all that I have....Robert is not shy. He's very funny and outgoing. But that was simply luck of the draw.

Thank you in advance for your time. *smiles*

-Einzelgänger

_____________________________

D~

Seeking, searching, hoping, living, loving, jumping. So what's new with you?

(in reply to Einzelganger)

Post #: 4

RE: Shy subs...good or bad? - 6/8/2007 5:11:21 AM

Lashra

Posts: 4900
Joined: 2/9/2006
Status: offline

No I like shy men myself. I mean I wouldn't want him to be silent all the time, as long as he spoke some of the time I'd be ok. I can't stand loud people who can't seem to shut up, so yeah Ill take a quiet guy anytime.

~Lashra

_____________________________

“We can never judge the lives of others, because each person knows only their own pain and renunciation. It's one thing to feel that you are on the right path, but it's another to think that yours is the only path.”

(in reply to earthycouple)

Post #: 5

RE: Shy subs...good or bad? - 6/8/2007 6:23:50 AM

YesMistressIrish

Posts: 1135
Joined: 5/1/2007
From: Calif
Status: offline

I like shy men and outgoing men. It is wonderful to have a strong/shy/quiet man in the background, serving and making sure everything is taken care of. Getting to know a shy man who opens his heart and mind to me is very special, and a shy person listens more, may observe more carefully, and have a sense of peace he brings to the table. I love peace and quiet so I can listen to the wind whisper, and the heart melt.

Miss Irish

“The individual activity of one man with backbone will do more than a thousand men with a mere wishbone.”
~William J H Boetcker

(in reply to Lashra)

Post #: 6

RE: Shy subs...good or bad? - 6/8/2007 8:14:24 AM

DawnFire

Posts: 78
Joined: 3/17/2007
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: YesMistressIrish

I like shy men and outgoing men. It is wonderful to have a strong/shy/quiet man in the background, serving and making sure everything is taken care of. Getting to know a shy man who opens his heart and mind to me is very special, and a shy person listens more, may observe more carefully, and have a sense of peace he brings to the table. I love peace and quiet so I can listen to the wind whisper, and the heart melt.

Miss Irish

“The individual activity of one man with backbone will do more than a thousand men with a mere wishbone.”
~William J H Boetcker

I love the poetic answer.

Shy is good, but shy with confidence in himself. Men who are shy because they feel no love or confidence in themselves seem to seldome be able to love or feel confident in someone else.

(in reply to YesMistressIrish)

Post #: 7

RE: Shy subs...good or bad? - 6/8/2007 10:04:05 AM

MiladyElaine

Posts: 1086
Joined: 10/10/2004
Status: offline

I don't mind shy subs, I like drawing them out and finding what kind of personality they have. I don't like loud mouth braggarts either. Once I draw one out though I like him to speak his mind when it comes to giving information about himself without Me having to drag every little detail. Sometimes I feel like a dentist pulling teeth!

_____________________________

A crazy quilt is warm but oddly put together.

Milady

(in reply to DawnFire)

Post #: 8

RE: Shy subs...good or bad? - 6/8/2007 10:14:13 AM

subiugo

Posts: 45
Joined: 3/19/2007
Status: offline

Some people are more 'shy' then others. Some people are more 'quiet' then others. All people are different, all subs are people, so all subs are different (i think it was Aristoteles who first said these wise words). i think a sub shouldn't bother to much if he is to shy or to this or to that... he should concentrate on serving his Mistress. And certainly a 'shy' sub will serve his Mistress in a slightly other way then an 'outgoing' submissive is... But as his Mistress has many needs -some of the needs better served by a 'shy' slave, other needs better served by an 'outgoing' slave- he should just concentrate on serving the best way he can.

For instance, look at this Mistress... it looks like She is best served by a not so shy slave. Or look at this Goddess... maybe She prefers to be served by a slave who is a little shy. Or look at this Mistress... it looks like She doesn't give a damn Her slave is shy or not, as long he is in good enough condition to follow Her while She is jogging or walking... Of course it is three times the same wonderful Woman, but just in a picture that shows different needs of Her...

At the same time a true submissive should be open to develop in his submission. So he never may use a specific trait of his character as an excuse for not serving his Mistress. The will to serve his Mistress helps him to develop his personality. But that goes for the slave who is 'to shy' at the outset (and so needs to develop his 'expressive qualities') as it goes for the slave who is 'to extravert' at the outset, and needs to learn to be quiet when his Mistress wants to be left alone. But such a personality development can't be 'rushed', so take your time...

(in reply to Einzelganger)

Post #: 9

RE: Shy subs...good or bad? - 6/8/2007 10:49:33 AM

littlesarbonn

Posts: 1710
Joined: 12/3/2005
From: Stockton, California
Status: offline

I used to be really shy. People laugh at me now when I say that because they can't for a moment imagine that I'm shy. I guess I have speech and debate to thank for something.

However, what I wanted to say is that I think that people may not completely understand shyness because they see it as a solid state that someone either is or is not shy. Personally, having been there, I believe a lot of the nature of shyness is tied to opportunity. People who have not had the opportunity for successful communication with others, quite often because of cliquish natures of groups and negative humor that is used to "poke fun" at vulnerable members of a crowd, build barriers around themselves to keep themselves from having to suffer the scorn they have received from others. This breeds a sense of self-consciousness that feeds into a predictive, pessimistic view of future interactions. Quite often, the solution is to actually expose the shy person to successful interactions. In the beginning it's extremely scary and can overwhelm someone, but if you're trying to change someone from being shy into being the complete opposite, you often have to start with what makes them shy in the first place. Way too often people think the solution is to throw someone into a crowd and have them fend for themselves, and that will solve shyness. Usually, this feeds into it further, reinforcing shyness.

_____________________________

<---- FYI, this picture looks JUST like me

http://www.littlesarbonn.com/Stickman/Stickman.htm
The Adventures of Stickman and the Unemployed Lego Spaceman

(in reply to Einzelganger)

Post #: 10

RE: Shy subs...good or bad? - 6/8/2007 4:59:59 PM

Einzelganger

Posts: 221
Joined: 4/8/2007
From: Orlando, FL
Status: offline

Thank you for sharing your views with me. *smiles*

LadyPact, it's not just your imagination that there are special qualities reserved just for you if your submissive happens to be shy; I'm assuming most shy people open up to a few people after a while like I do...it just takes time. And I've often been described as a 'sidekick' by my vanilla friends, because I'm always OK in large groups of strangers if I'm accompanying someone I know well.

LadyEllen, I actually found more confidence when I was with my Mistress around strangers, and I loved to go places with her. I found myself going places I'd have never even considered without her. She granted me focus during those times; I'm a very...analytical sort of person, for lack of a better term; I'm observant and I'm inadvertently taking in as many details of my environment as possible. With her there for me to focus on, it was like sitting on the downstream side of a rock in a turbulent river...suddenly the distractions were no longer even an issue, because she was the reason for my being there.

Earthycouple, I've always had that confusing feeling of fear/excitement when a woman pulls me out of the corner. It's an amazing feeling, somewhat akin to the first time something new is implemented during a scene. And what's wrong with your being self-serving, especially if it helps someone else? I thought that's what this was all about anyway... *grins*

Lashra, I share your sentiments on people who talk when they've nothing to say. I hope I find a woman who understands that 'comfortable silences' exist...thus far, I've been very fortunate in that respect.

YesMistressIrish, the situation you describe is nothing short of ideal, in my humble opinion...and very beautifully written. *smiles*

DawnFire...I never thought much about this; the most common things I notice about myself are faults or shortcomings, but I see these things as a mechanic would see worn/broken items on a car; things I need to fix, not things to lament over or things to lose confidence over. After all, as a sub I'm always trying to improve myself.

MiladyElaine, most shy people (I would assume, anyway) will open up enough to one or two people who are very close to him or her, and tell pretty much anyone that person they trust wants to know. Or maybe that's just me...I should probably stop trying to speak for everyone.

Subiugo, I have to say, while I love the idea of being moulded, physically and mentally, to better compliment the woman who ends up collaring me someday (yes, I know, I'm a bit of a hopeless romantic), I don't understand why a sub wouldn't want to accompany his Mistress when she wanted to go out somewhere. The way I look at it, it's another opportunity to have a great time with her, regardless of any shyness on his part.

Littlesarbonn, I can't picture myself changing like you've done. I've always been quiet, reserved, and hold my cards close to my chest. When I pay someone a compliment, rather than making a mental note of something they've done that stands out in my mind, I'm very impressed, and I really mean it. I didn't become shy as a result of my interaction with others; I've always been this way.

At any rate, thank you very much for sharing your views and opinions with me, and for taking time out of your day to do so. *smiles*

-Einzelgänger

(in reply to littlesarbonn)

Post #: 11

RE: Shy subs...good or bad? - 6/8/2007 6:28:27 PM

Red82

Posts: 79
Joined: 4/13/2007
Status: offline

I've never seen anything wrong with being shy or quiet. Its just my nature. When I have something to say I say it, other wise I stay pretty reserved. I dont consider it a bad trait in BDSM lidestyle, or the vanilla world.

(in reply to Einzelganger)

Post #: 12

RE: Shy subs...good or bad? - 6/8/2007 7:18:31 PM

queencaliph

Posts: 131
Joined: 6/4/2007
Status: offline

I'm new, and probably not as experienced as most of the other Dominant Ladies here, but for me it would depend on whether he was shy because he lacked confidence in himself (low self esteem is a turn off) or if he was just one of those people who are naturally more reserved (ie. shy) than others. As long as he has self-confidence, being shy is not an issue.

(in reply to Einzelganger)

Post #: 13

RE: Shy subs...good or bad? - 6/8/2007 7:50:59 PM

MistressLorelei

Posts: 997
Joined: 11/7/2005
Status: offline

I think it's kind of sweet when a male is shy. It's usually a good indication that the male isn't the loud, obnoxious, macho type that I despise. I like a certain gentleness, but it does have to be combined with the ability to eventually warm up, make conversation and have a sense of humor. I don't like to have to carry the entire conversation, while hearing yes and no answers.

If a male is shy to most people, as long as he is capable of having a productive and joyful life, and does not have major self-esteem issues, I'm more than fine with that. I like when a male is shy and nervous in his approach... it makes me smile.

(in reply to queencaliph)

Post #: 14

RE: Shy subs...good or bad? - 6/8/2007 10:15:55 PM

LuckyAlbatross

Posts: 19224
Joined: 10/25/2005
Status: offline

My partner encouraged me to read and response to this thread, so here I are :)

Mostly remember that on our second "date" at a meetup, he literally spoke no more than 5 words. Even though I tried to bring him into conversations, he just froze up for some reason.

He went home thoroughly sure that I'd never speak to him again and consider him a total loser freak.

I of course had gone home slightly puzzled, but mostly amused at thinking he must just have been really shy.

Now we live together :)

Granted, if he'd gone a few MORE dates with not being able to hold a conversation or show me some of himself, then there would have been a problem. But he was a fabulous emailer, always showed up for dates on time and looking clean and sexy, and always seemed eager to please and embarassed at his "faults."

And since I'm shy myself, it was nice to share something together.

As long as person has a strong personality and strength of character, how charismatic or outgoing they are isn't an issue. It's a tough world out there for male subs, but don't let the shyness issue keep you down.

_____________________________

Find stable partners, not a stable of partners.

"Sometimes my whore logic gets all fuzzy"- Californication

(in reply to MistressLorelei)

Post #: 15

RE: Shy subs...good or bad? - 6/8/2007 10:34:50 PM

undergroundsea

Posts: 2400
Joined: 6/27/2004
From: Austin, TX
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: littlesarbonn

Insightful post.

Cheers,

Sea

(in reply to littlesarbonn)

Post #: 16

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