RE: If you find someone, do you still just keep on looking? (Full Version)

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FeralsRook -> RE: If you find someone, do you still just keep on looking? (6/8/2007 9:50:41 PM)

I used to get a lot of mail (a good chunk of it "junk" mail)...mostly male subs . Well there were 4 or 5 that really appealed to me. I wrote to each,saying that I was going to NOT take anymore applications,that there were 4 that really caught my attention. rook was one of those fellas. I was "interviewing",getting to know each better. In no way was this meant to be a competion,but I couldn't /didn't want to get any addition mail,wanted to focus,and yet wanted to let these fellas know that I was serious about my search. I did not ask if they were still talking to others,I just wanted them to know where my head was.

Needless to say, hours later ,one fella said I "didnt live close enough" to him...2 hours of travel was too much and it would be a real "effort" to see me. hahaha...fella number one gone. Fella number two said that "he didn't want to be in competion" for the position. He also was "very busy" ,too busy to even meet! Fella number three...heck I can't remember. I think he just drifted off or something.

Then there was rook. He appreciated my honesty,that he knew that I was talking "seriously" to a few others. I understood he too was talking to others,but that we both felt "we" were worth focusing on. He said he was hoping the others would just drop out or fail. :-) So rook really stepped up to the plate,worked hard to get to know me,did as he was asked...and was honored to accompany me to a fetish event.  He decided he would show me that he REALLY wanted to be with me.The rest is history.

What impressed me most was his determination to "really" get to know me,not just look for a "quickie" play date.

Weeding out is difficult.I need both vanilla and kink to fit,not an easy task.Nice to have met someone who was as determined as I was to find the RIGHT D/s partner,not just ANY partner!





MysticFireTopaz -> RE: If you find someone, do you still just keep on looking? (6/9/2007 2:07:17 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: littlesarbonn

Regardless of the high school drama presented, my question is about those who seek others. If you're someone seeking one person (not a poly situation which is a completely different animal, nor a multiple slave situation which is also a different creature), and you find one person who seems to be what you're seeking, do you start to work towards that one person, or do you keep casting out your net nonstop, even when you're trying to develop something with the person with whom you already found? This isn't a complaint thread, but a perspective one.



I had something similar happen to me.  A submissive from another state contacted me, appearing to be very interested.  He said that I seemd to be exactly what he wanted, and he seemed to be what I was looking for as well. 
 
We were e-mailing daily and talking on the phone frequently and things looked promising.  We were talking about him making a trip here.
 
While I did not go so far as to take my ad down, I was not actively contacting other subs and was focusing primarily on getting to know him better.  All of a sudden, I learned from a couple of my local Domme friends that he had sent out a form letter to several Dommes in the area (he said he wanted to relocate to a warmer climate, so apparently Dommes in this state are of interest to him). I was rather surprised and taken aback.  I asked for an explanation, which I never received, nor have I ever heard from him since.  I guess he didn't realize I talk to other Dommes in the area and thought I would not find out about what he did.
 
In retrospect, I suppose he was stringing me along, yet keeping his options open.  I did feel the mass-mailed form letter was pretty tacky, though.  Talk about casting your net out!  I was surprised because he had sent me a nice, personalized letter of introduction.
 
Lady Topaz



Saint -> RE: If you find someone, do you still just keep on looking? (6/9/2007 2:55:48 PM)

I would say that if you had found someone and yet you keep on looking, then you dont really deserve them. So many look for that person for years and if (not when) they do find them and then keep right on looking, then they are not worth the person they found. Unless its a poly or cuckhole situation, then its only a mockery to those who genuinely seek that special person. The search for someone special is too damn hard to go through to begin with and those who toss aside others deserve nothing.



maledave7 -> RE: If you find someone, do you still just keep on looking? (6/9/2007 3:28:20 PM)

If she told you that she was not ready, it sounds to me like she wants to be just friends or she is not sure what she is looking for.

If a Domme interested me, I would desire to only to interact with her. I would desire to know what she is looking for in a sub and the kind of relationship she is looking for. I would desire to spend all my time to spark her interested in me. I would desire to see if we have things in common to develop a long-term relationship together.



MsCfromMelbourne -> RE: If you find someone, do you still just keep on looking? (6/9/2007 5:57:10 PM)

Oh sarbonne....it is very hurtful to discover a love interest is still shopping around.  It has happened to me too.

I think its fair to expect that after one or two dates, the other person will stop advertising (or worse, actively seeking) and give their embryonic relationship with you a chance to sink or swim

It should be obvious, but some people are dense.  Therefore, next time a Mistress mentions a relationship, I would ask whether that means you are both going to de-activate your profiles. 

If she wants to still look, so can you.  As TexasMa'am says, you are a pretty good catch!!

Newbies to BDSM dating sites are like kids in a candy store.  Eventually she will figure out she is better off targetting quality not quantity. 

She will wake up to our disappointing reality soon: being a Mistress means you can pick and choose from any guy you want only as long as you want sleazy, cheap, married, ugly, pathetic and/or anti-social guys. 

It is a long, long, time consuming and boring search for a nice submissive guy. 

Maybe cut this silly Mistress some slack and give her a second chance.  She isn't going to find better.






ObedientYYC -> RE: If you find someone, do you still just keep on looking? (6/9/2007 7:49:05 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: MsCfromMelbourne

She will wake up to our disappointing reality soon: being a Mistress means you can pick and choose from any guy you want only as long as you want sleazy, cheap, married, ugly, pathetic and/or anti-social guys. 
...


But we are all you have to choose from, so Nya Nya! [8|]



GoddessDustyGold -> RE: If you find someone, do you still just keep on looking? (6/9/2007 9:18:28 PM)

<fast reply>  As already stated, the boys who are sincere and meet My qualifications are few and far between, so I guess I would ask you to define "active seeking".  My profile would remain up, and no special notations made if I am in an initial exploratory phase with someone, as I am now.  This does not mean I am actively seeking, since I don't consider Myself to be "actively" seeking anyway.  If someone comes along, then that is just what it is.  Chances are I am not going to be suddenly be inundated with several excellent potentials.  But if I was, I would certainly let them all know what I am doing.  I never said I would necessarily be monogamous anyway.  Also, as already stated, I would be quite impressed with the one who made that extra effort to stay at the head of the pack. 
And if I reach that point with someone, where I would choose a monogamous collaring. I would close off the access for consideration at that point.



AAkasha -> RE: If you find someone, do you still just keep on looking? (6/9/2007 9:43:13 PM)

If I found someone I would not keep looking, no.  In my experiences, when I have found someone, the desire for them was consuming enough that I lost interest in others; that's what the first clue is that this is a man for a relationship, not just a frienship or a fling.

There's been a lot of good info on this thread, but I don't think anyone has brought up the sad but true "she might just be playing games with you."  Many women play games during the courting process as a way to get the man behave in the manner they want to be pursued.  By indicating that she was interested in a relationship, then pursuing other men, THEN getting mad at you for doing the same, she could be:

1. Wanting you to pursue her HARDER and with more effort or excitement, so she thought by seeing other men she'd light a fire under your ass

or

2. Interested "just enough" to want to keep you around, so it's amusing enough to make you jump through hoops by putting some competition out there to see if you can up the effort

or

3. Not interested in a relationship but still interested in making you work harder so that turning you down will be even more of an ego boost

or

4. She really likes you, but wants you to want her more, she's not feeling like you are really pursuing her and she wants the full mode courtship, not the "I am here if you want me - but act now, this offer will not last."

You can try good old fashioned straight communication with her, but some women still just want to play the game, which is sad.  If she's not sure if she's interested, she's dangling carrots and introducing competition just to make you work harder and see what you will do.  By blowing her off and seeing other women you ruin her plan and take control away, which will make her want you more IF she is really smitten. If she is not smitten, it will probably end everything. No loss if that's the case anyway.

Either way, letting everyone know what came of this would be interesting because I am sure others are curious also!

Akasha



michaelOfGeorgia -> RE: If you find someone, do you still just keep on looking? (6/9/2007 9:44:54 PM)

quote:

If you find someone, do you still just keep on looking?


in my case, i still look for what i can't find.

i often feel like the kid they pick last when it comes to games when i was younger



pixelslave -> RE: If you find someone, do you still just keep on looking? (6/10/2007 2:42:32 AM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: AAkasha
If I found someone I would not keep looking, no.  In my experiences, when I have found someone, the desire for them was consuming enough that I lost interest in others; that's what the first clue is that this is a man for a relationship, not just a frienship or a fling.


What you've described is what happened for me with Mistress and I.  At a certain point, I no longer was interested in pursuing anything with the others where doors were still open and decided on my own to close them; remaining friends where appropriate.  I've no regrets in that regard and have never looked back with second thoughts. [:D]


quote:


There's been a lot of good info on this thread, but I don't think anyone has brought up the sad but true "she might just be playing games with you."  Many women play games during the courting process as a way to get the man behave in the manner they want to be pursued.  By indicating that she was interested in a relationship, then pursuing other men, THEN getting mad at you for doing the same, she could be:

1. Wanting you to pursue her HARDER and with more effort or excitement, so she thought by seeing other men she'd light a fire under your ass

or

2. Interested "just enough" to want to keep you around, so it's amusing enough to make you jump through hoops by putting some competition out there to see if you can up the effort

or

3. Not interested in a relationship but still interested in making you work harder so that turning you down will be even more of an ego boost

or

4. She really likes you, but wants you to want her more, she's not feeling like you are really pursuing her and she wants the full mode courtship, not the "I am here if you want me - but act now, this offer will not last."


This is sooo sad, but very true!  People are rarely taught in our society how to communicate honestly from the start of a relationship. [&:]
 

quote:


You can try good old fashioned straight communication with her, but some women still just want to play the game, which is sad.  If she's not sure if she's interested, she's dangling carrots and introducing competition just to make you work harder and see what you will do.  By blowing her off and seeing other women you ruin her plan and take control away, which will make her want you more IF she is really smitten. If she is not smitten, it will probably end everything. No loss if that's the case anyway.


I don't think littlesarbonn wants to be "in control".  That kind of defeats the purpose for him in looking for a Domme doesn't it?  That said, there's obviously no loss either if she still wants to play games.  A good relationship requires honest communication, especially one based on this particularly lifestyle.  If she's not capable of that, the relationship is likely doomed before it ever gets off the ground.  [image]http://www.collarchat.com/micons/m23.gif[/image]


quote:


Either way, letting everyone know what came of this would be interesting because I am sure others are curious also!


Agreed!  Perhaps this thread has initiatiated some communication between the two and he's been busy with more important matters! [;)]

 - pixel



MistressMaamNH -> RE: If you find someone, do you still just keep on looking? (6/10/2007 3:11:32 AM)

It is a rare day that upon locating My missing set of car keys, that I continue to search for them.  Seems rather a waste of effort, and doesn't do much to further My mission of driving the car to My intended destination.
<shrug> just seems like common sense to Me.>

MMNH



MamaDomme -> RE: If you find someone, do you still just keep on looking? (6/10/2007 4:12:13 AM)

littlesarbonn, I think that if I were to find the someone that I am seeking, I would have no need to search any longer for a partner.  Now, if all I was looking for were play partners, I would continue to keep looking for play partners.  I know there are soooo many that are just looking for a cyber fantasy and even when the potential submissive sounds so perfectly compatible. I tend to be extremely apprehensive.  I try to weed out the fakes fairly quickly and have found that those fakes get pretty pissed if you don't play their little fantasy game online.

If I were to have a submissive contact me, wishing to really get to know the real me, I would certainly take notice and I would give that person all the respect deserved.  I tend to be a polite person most of the time, but have no tolerance for bullshitters.  When the first couple of emails are all asking "Mistress, what all will you do to me?", "Mistress, will you kick my balls every night when you walk in the door?",  "Mistress, will you tie me to a chair and make me watch while you fuck your lovers?"--- I pretty much deduce that those are just wankers, not really searching for a true relationship and I write them off.

Also, the ones that come up with excuse after excuse to not share a phone number tend to pretty much tell me they are just playing a fantasy game.  When they write me telling me that I am the perfect one, I tend to really wonder how many of those copy & paste emails they have sent out.

I also talk to other Dommes and find out if they too have been contacted by the same person.  It continues to just astound me as to how many really do that!

I wish you the very best littlesarbonn and truly hope that you find the one you seek.



TPEsadist -> RE: If you find someone, do you still just keep on looking? (6/10/2007 4:18:19 AM)

Hello if you mean by finding someone that is willing to commit to you no I would stop looking. I find every player on this site so I am still looking LOL 



pixelslave -> RE: If you find someone, do you still just keep on looking? (6/10/2007 9:33:24 AM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: TPEsadist

Hello if you mean by finding someone that is willing to commit to you no I would stop looking. I find every player on this site so I am still looking LOL 


Aye, but that's his problem, she's not willing to commit to developing a relationship with him and wants to play the field instead.  He's wondering if she's serious or just using him as a friend until something "better" comes along.  Therein lies fantasihis dilemma.  Does he pursue a relationship with her, or does he look for another?  As I understand the situation, he sees potential, but she's now stated she's not ready for that.  So his question is what does he do?  Does he wait, or does he continue his search when he feels she'd be compatible? 
 
 - pixel



Lockit -> RE: If you find someone, do you still just keep on looking? (6/10/2007 2:02:55 PM)

Great Question!

Great Answers!

I had many questions as I read this thread.  What constitutes a relationship?  How long was anyone known to one another before they give up all others for one?  What was discussed and was it honest?  Do people think it is unfair to date more than one person if there are more than one that would seem to fit what they seek in someone... of course as long as there was honesty involved? Can one trust anything, anyone says online, with any amount of time without personally meeting and having a lot of time spent with said person?

I also wondered... Say you meet someone online and everything about them looks wonderful.  You end your pursuit and focus on one and then later down the road you find that this person wasn't honest and your emotions, time and such are all wasted.  I can think of many ways to avoid this, but still it can and will happen.  What do you do then? 

Personally... I had to smile when someone mentioned newbies to a site like this being in a candy store! lol  When I got here, I was bombarded with one hundred emails in one day.  I stopped counting at that point and set out to try and make some sense to it all and still deal with more emails coming in. (Talk about a sugar rush! I hated it! I can see where the newbie sugar high might bring out the lower qualities of ego burst, but for me... I'll leave the candy eating to someone else!) 

I think this topic could go on forever!  There seem to be so many factors that could be factored in.  I am interested in reading more on how everyone feels!

Lockit



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