How do I proceed?

How do I proceed? (Full Version)

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freebird -> How do I proceed? (6/8/2007 11:17:08 PM)
I met a Domme here. She is an amazing woman in every since of the word! Confident, beautiful, very seductive, an excellent personality, and most intriguing!!! On our second meeting tonight...I took her to dinner which went well... after dinner she asked if i wanted to go with her to a ....dance place.... I wasn't feeling myself and my back was really bothering me....so I thought I wouldn't have been good company and let her down. I did not show up[image]http://www.collarchat.com/micons/m5.gif[/image] I know...I'm an idiot! I like this woman alot thus far... Ok...specifically........ 1) How should I recover from my stupid decision not to show up? 2) How can I find out how not to act in a way that would turn her off in a sesion ...or better yet...how to make her happy with me? Thanks everyone for your help and support!

michaelOfGeorgia -> RE: How do I proceed? (6/8/2007 11:18:43 PM)
congratulations. you've done something that has illuded me for years.

LadyPact -> RE: How do I proceed? (6/9/2007 12:30:07 AM)
I'm sorry to tell you, dear. Major faux paus. Now, how do you make up for it? Dependability, straight and simple. First, you may have to beg for a second chance. Not all will give one after a flake of this sort, but hopefully, you will be granted one. If you are lucky enough to receive one, make the most of your opportunity. In either case, you've learned a lesson, now, haven't you?

pixelslave -> RE: How do I proceed? (6/9/2007 1:20:15 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: freebird Ok...specifically........ 1) How should I recover from my stupid decision not to show up? 2) How can I find out how not to act in a way that would turn her off in a sesion ...or better yet...how to make her happy with me? For Question 1, I think you need to clarify. Did you tell her you'd meet her there and then change your mind? Or did you choose not to go when asked, thus disappointing her? My response to this question would depend entirely on your answer. If you told her you'd meet her there and didn't show, then buddy, you really fucked up! If that's the case, unless she's into begging and you're really good at it too, I doubt you have much of a chance (even if you sent 2 dozen roses, she'd either be allergic or prefer some other flower instead). [image]http://www.collarchat.com/micons/m23.gif[/image] For Question 2, not to sound sarcarstic, but have you ever heard of communication? First, you're really asking 2 questions here. Part A, how not to turn her off. The answer to that is simple: just ask her what pleases her! A Domme, like any woman, wants to know that you're interested in her; what she likes, dislikes, what pleases her, what particularly displeases her, etc. Take notes if you need to, or write as much down as you can remember the first chance you get! Part B, how can you make her happy with you? You can start by doing Part A. The reality is that you come with your own personality and habits which aren't going to change overnight. That personality and those habits are going to show through. You're not going to be able to hide those things from her forever. However, if you're honest with her and show her those things, and genuinely want her help in learning to become the kind of person that she's looking for in a submissive, she might see the potential in you and decide to teach you what she wants you to learn. One thing to remember in all this though, that I'd strongly encourage you to think about, would these changes that you might need to make in order to please this woman be changes that you'd like to make for yourself as well? If not, then they're not likely to be changes that will be easy to make or that you'll likely be successful in making. So, if you're not committed to making those changes for yourself and your own personal growth, don't expect that making them to capture this woman's heart will be sufficient to make them last or take hold. [8\|] To my way of thinking, honesty is always the best policy. If your back was hurting you and that's why you didn't want to go to this dance club, then that's what you should have told this woman at the time she mentioned it. I'd strongly suggest you learn this skill, as more than anything a Domme will expect her sub to be totally honest with her 100% of the time! [&:] - pixel

LadyAlzara -> RE: How do I proceed? (6/9/2007 1:28:01 AM)
Having had boys flake out occassionally....She deserves an explaintion....begging doesn't hurt....but She may have decided you're a lost cause. Most of Us aren't without compassion...but you did Her a major dis-service by assuming She wouldn't have given you a raincheck if you really had medical issuses. Z

TexasMaam -> RE: How do I proceed? (6/9/2007 7:21:39 AM)
I have a sneaking suspicion that going to a ......"dance place".....was pretty low on your list of priorities. I also suspect that you were expecting to be invited to 'get together somewhere more private' and were disappointed and just a teensy weensy bit put out with Her because you were 'let down'. So, you were a no show and your back was a pretty good excuse. Tsk tsk tsk. Your best bet is to offer an honest, and sincere explanation with a major apology for a glaring red flag: putting yourself first from jumpstreet. I *might* be willing to give someone a second chance after a huge screw up like this one, but *ONLY* if the fellow was up front and center about being sorry for having *put his own concerns ahead of Mine. Just telling her that your back was really bothering you isn't going to be enough. You're going to have to admit, and apologize for* the fact that ....."a dance place" just wasn't something YOU wanted to do, that you put YOUR wants first, and that in so doing YOU deprived Her of the chance to show you that she'd have taken your back trouble into consideration. She might have graciously agreed to sit quietly with you and talk, to watch other dancers, if she knew your back was out. But you'll never know that now, will you? Maybe it's best you didn't show up. If dancing is Her 'thing' and isn't something you want to spend time on, you might both be better off with a partner with more similar interests. TM

earthycouple -> RE: How do I proceed? (6/9/2007 7:30:55 AM)
I'm wondering if Texas hasn't hit the nail on the head here... Think long and hard before you approach her to be sure you are fully truthful

undergroundsea -> RE: How do I proceed? (6/9/2007 10:55:13 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: TexasMaam Your best bet is to offer an honest, and sincere explanation with a major apology . I agree. I also suggest that as atonement you take her to an opera and during an interval have a friend yell "Freebird!"* which would then allow you to yell, "Whaaat?" Just kidding ;-) * Reference to the Ladies and Ladies thread. I personally would have been delighted to go dancing. If the conversation has been going well, I probably would have been up for watching paint dry. When I read the OP, I wondered if the ability to dance was relevant. In hind sight, of course, a call by phone after leaving the restaurant or, if phone contact was not possible, going to the club and then saying that you really are not up for it would have prevented the dilemma that is there now. Good luck. Cheers, Sea

freebird -> RE: How do I proceed? (6/9/2007 11:05:45 AM)
Thank you all...Very much! I will admit....I have been guilty in the past of the type behavior Texas eluded too....Just not this time. I am 100% sincere about this! Nothing more I would have loved to had done last night than to go on an adventure with her....this actually had nothing to do with "play" ...have you ever really dug someone so much you just wanted to be with them...and focusing on them and not yourself? Thats where I've been with this woman. The play thing has almost made me feel abit uneasy ...like it was all about me when I want it to be about her and her happiness etc. etc. .... She's a pretty awesome woman... Thank you all for the advice.... I did communicate much better today...She was very very gracious and understanding,,,,,

MistressSassy66 -> RE: How do I proceed? (6/16/2007 3:28:35 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: TexasMaam I have a sneaking suspicion that going to a ......"dance place".....was pretty low on your list of priorities. I also suspect that you were expecting to be invited to 'get together somewhere more private' and were disappointed and just a teensy weensy bit put out with Her because you were 'let down'. So, you were a no show and your back was a pretty good excuse. Tsk tsk tsk. Your best bet is to offer an honest, and sincere explanation with a major apology for a glaring red flag: putting yourself first from jumpstreet. I *might* be willing to give someone a second chance after a huge screw up like this one, but *ONLY* if the fellow was up front and center about being sorry for having *put his own concerns ahead of Mine. Just telling her that your back was really bothering you isn't going to be enough. You're going to have to admit, and apologize for* the fact that ....."a dance place" just wasn't something YOU wanted to do, that you put YOUR wants first, and that in so doing YOU deprived Her of the chance to show you that she'd have taken your back trouble into consideration. She might have graciously agreed to sit quietly with you and talk, to watch other dancers, if she knew your back was out. But you'll never know that now, will you? Maybe it's best you didn't show up. If dancing is Her 'thing' and isn't something you want to spend time on, you might both be better off with a partner with more similar interests. TM IMO you hit the nail on the head.Especially the more private part. The all too familiar "i was feeling poorly,so i wouldnt be good company" To Me again this is only Me...that is a lame cop-out.

MamaDomme -> RE: How do I proceed? (6/16/2007 3:57:09 PM)
You have now admitted to a past history of flaking out on a Mistress and that is not a good thing at all. I , personally, would be extremely hesitant to even allow you to speak to me again, much less meet with you and risk being stood up again. Makes me wonder if your "back pain" just happened to be psychologically driven. I rarely EVER allow a second chance and never a 3rd chance.

littlesarbonn -> RE: How do I proceed? (6/16/2007 4:30:34 PM)
I thought I would add something that I've experienced a few times with dominants, and it's an interesting test that SO MANY submissives fail. I first came across it when a dominant I was dating told me she was thinking of taking a walk around the lake and then said: "Did you want to come with me, or did you want to have me lock you in the cage until I return?" (I was an on and off live-in at that stage). I really wanted to spend time with her, so I opted for the walk around the lake, even though my fantasy at that time was the whole cage thing. And we had a great walk where we talked and just enjoyed ourselves. Later, I overheard a conversation between her and another younger Mistress (new to the scene, not age), where my Mistress told her about this test to see how much the submissive wants to be with her rather than have things done to him by her. Otherwise, I never would have known.

MissyRane -> RE: How do I proceed? (6/16/2007 4:39:37 PM)
If you want to know what I would do/say if I was in her shoes? I'd tell you to fuck off and go find someone else to play with 'cause if you can't even handle this kind of a SIMPLE situation correctly, how do you do when the situations get harder. I would consider you to be a complete waste of time if not more.

littlesarbonn -> RE: How do I proceed? (6/16/2007 5:47:57 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: MissyRane If you want to know what I would do/say if I was in her shoes? I'd tell you to fuck off and go find someone else to play with 'cause if you can't even handle this kind of a SIMPLE situation correctly, how do you do when the situations get harder. I would consider you to be a complete waste of time if not more. Sniffle. That was in response to my post. [:(] Although I'm gpoing to go out on a limb and say I think it was in response to the OP.

MaamJay -> RE: How do I proceed? WARNING RANT RESPONSE! (6/17/2007 9:52:43 AM)
Well you are either incredibly lucky that She is so gracious ... or incredibly unlucky that She is so naive! As Texas Maam said ... you put your needs first. you didn't honour Her with honesty when the suggestion was made. In doing so, you took away Her opportunity to control the situation. Thus proving you want the control, you want to Top from the bottom and manipulate Her. She might have suggested another activity in which you could participate, but you never gave Her that chance. It appears that you lied and said you would go and then stood Her up. (Thats's death as far as I'm concerned!). And you've probably not learned your lesson for you gave your motivations away again in the second post: QUOTE (bold added by Me) Nothing more I would have loved to had done last night than to go on an adventure with her....this actually had nothing to do with "play" ...have you ever really dug someone so much you just wanted to be with them...and focusing on them and not yourself? Exactly, you just wanted to be with Her, you wanted an adventure ... and not to be stuck in some boring dance place with 100+ other people! Why, She might actually meet someone else who interests Her more! Can't have that! And you acted like a spoiled brat by not showing up cos you didn't get your way. Did you have any thought for the fact that She might have gone there, talked to a few friends, said "Hey I met this great guy tonight, a real potential, he'll be along soon." Then She was watching the door, waiting, waiting ... trying to keep Her cool. "Maybe his car broke down." "Maybe he got attacked by rabid dogs." "Maybe ..." while all the while Her friends are sympathising and thinking "Ah, She got sucked in again, poor dear." Talk about loss of face! No, you didn't think one jot about Her feelings, did you! Who is this Lady? I feel like emailing Her and telling Her to wise up and be a whole lot less gracious! Maam Jay PS Are We being hard on you? you bet! We're all totally pissed off with putting up with no show selfish inconsiderate little flakes! Fans the steam from Her ears PPS sarbonn, nice story and a great little test! Smart Mistress that One!

MamaDomme -> RE: How do I proceed? WARNING RANT RESPONSE! (6/17/2007 11:28:56 AM)
Standing applause for MaamJay

LadyIce -> RE: How do I proceed? WARNING RANT RESPONSE! (6/17/2007 11:36:00 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: MaamJay Well you are either incredibly lucky that She is so gracious ... or incredibly unlucky that She is so naive! As Texas Maam said ... you put your needs first. you didn't honour Her with honesty when the suggestion was made. In doing so, you took away Her opportunity to control the situation. Thus proving you want the control, you want to Top from the bottom and manipulate Her. She might have suggested another activity in which you could participate, but you never gave Her that chance. It appears that you lied and said you would go and then stood Her up. (Thats's death as far as I'm concerned!). And you've probably not learned your lesson for you gave your motivations away again in the second post: QUOTE (bold added by Me) Nothing more I would have loved to had done last night than to go on an adventure with her....this actually had nothing to do with "play" ...have you ever really dug someone so much you just wanted to be with them...and focusing on them and not yourself? Exactly, you just wanted to be with Her, you wanted an adventure ... and not to be stuck in some boring dance place with 100+ other people! Why, She might actually meet someone else who interests Her more! Can't have that! And you acted like a spoiled brat by not showing up cos you didn't get your way. Did you have any thought for the fact that She might have gone there, talked to a few friends, said "Hey I met this great guy tonight, a real potential, he'll be along soon." Then She was watching the door, waiting, waiting ... trying to keep Her cool. "Maybe his car broke down." "Maybe he got attacked by rabid dogs." "Maybe ..." while all the while Her friends are sympathising and thinking "Ah, She got sucked in again, poor dear." Talk about loss of face! No, you didn't think one jot about Her feelings, did you! Who is this Lady? I feel like emailing Her and telling Her to wise up and be a whole lot less gracious! Maam Jay PS Are We being hard on you? you bet! We're all totally pissed off with putting up with no show selfish inconsiderate little flakes! Fans the steam from Her ears PPS sarbonn, nice story and a great little test! Smart Mistress that One! Wonderful post MaamJay! I have a feeling this is a very lonely woman. The fact that she is willing to put up with so much from a man that appears to offer so little, shows that. Unfortunately, you have many men that call themselves submissives, that take advantage of lonely women wanting a relationship. I am not sure you can help this woman, until she wants to help herself.

YesMistressIrish -> RE: How do I proceed? (6/17/2007 11:56:03 AM)
Communicate and no matter what that takes, show up!! Even if it is to say, 'cannot move_backs killing me.' Then, she has the opportuniy to see you show up and knows you are not just blowing her off. Show up, show up, show up! (big grin) Glad she had some compassion, but I would have a hard time ever again trusting anyone who didn't communicate and SHOW UP! M Irish *edited to agree about that loss of face comment made above.

arayofsunshine55 -> RE: How do I proceed? (6/17/2007 1:21:11 PM)
There's actually very little excuse for not calling. Like sudden open heart surgery. There is a certain level of social skills I just require and have no desire to teach a grown man. And graciousness, I'm real big on graciousness. You probably could not recover from the not showing and not calling with me. As others have said, if she continues with you what you can do is show a real and deep understanding of what happened for you and some sense about how it won't happen again. And it is that deep understanding that I would seek as a first step.

MissyRane -> RE: How do I proceed? (6/17/2007 1:28:49 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: littlesarbonn quote: ORIGINAL: MissyRane If you want to know what I would do/say if I was in her shoes? I'd tell you to fuck off and go find someone else to play with 'cause if you can't even handle this kind of a SIMPLE situation correctly, how do you do when the situations get harder. I would consider you to be a complete waste of time if not more. Sniffle. That was in response to my post. [:(] Although I'm gpoing to go out on a limb and say I think it was in response to the OP. hahaha olordy honey no hard feelings, I always use the quick reply (99% of the time anyway)..call me lazy[;)] but it was a definite response to the OP

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