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RE: Vanilla realtionship = BDSM realtionship - 6/10/2007 3:34:04 PM   
imthatacheyouhav


Posts: 1259
Joined: 4/16/2007
Status: offline 		For me a relationship is a whole package...so i would need for me personally, a man who is Dominant in dealing with me period, and kinky behind closed doors, i'm not sure what flavor that is ...vanilla or what, its just who i am ....

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*if you don't stand for something, you'll fall for anything*
**collared July 22 2007 by LordKen**

(in reply to RCdc)
Profile   Post #: 21
RE: Vanilla realtionship = BDSM realtionship - 6/10/2007 4:21:20 PM   
openmindedslave


Posts: 470
Joined: 2/27/2005
Status: offline 		In a sense does this lifestyle give woman ( in this case) the type of men that most would wish to have. Meaning attentive, respectful and even to some extend romantic in the fact that they put the Dom first  before their interest. In someways it sounds a little like a  fairy tale in that  your the center of attention with sub who will kneel to your beauty and strngth because they desire to see you pleased in life.  I don't think this is a stretch, but it does involve a level of servitude in many relationships.  What do you think?

(in reply to imthatacheyouhav)
Profile   Post #: 22
RE: Vanilla realtionship = BDSM realtionship - 6/10/2007 4:32:05 PM   
LuckyAlbatross


Posts: 19224
Joined: 10/25/2005
Status: offline 		Service does not equal submission.

But yes, service IMO is part of every healthy relationship, we serve the needs of the relationship we form together.

This is true in vanilla relationsips as well.

The type of men in Ds relationships are exactly the same as the type of men in vanilla relationships.  Anyone who thinks it's going to be a fairy tale sort of thing really hasn't lived it very much. 

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Find stable partners, not a stable of partners.

"Sometimes my whore logic gets all fuzzy"- Californication

(in reply to openmindedslave)
Profile   Post #: 23
RE: Vanilla realtionship = BDSM realtionship - 6/11/2007 2:32:46 AM   
RCdc


Posts: 8674
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: openmindedslave

I am startign to wounder if  one of the attractions here for many, is to find a person who adores them.I don't see that very often used as a term of desire. In a sub/dom realtionship, its understood that one has authority over the other even if'its only in their private life...But again, how differnt is that than the vanilla world in a relationship

My question to you is - is there a something wrong with wanting to adore someone, or to be adored?
 
In answer to your question, yes I completely adore my partner and I could not imagine being unable not to and I realise I am fortunate to be allowed to adore him.  I also know just how much I am adored.
There is nothing inherently different in non BDSM relationships other than the stance of the authority transfere being at the forefront.
 
quote:

In a sense does this lifestyle give woman ( in this case) the type of men that most would wish to have.
Define 'most' and what is the person that 'most' women want?
I desired someone who is and can be himself around me.  I got that and a hell of alot more on top and I get to serve him.  However, serving does not mean I would have to submit.  I serve because that is something I do on many levels to many different people.  I submit because I love and am allowed.  I serve because this assists in the growth of a relationship.  But service exists in 'vanilla' relationships also and fairytales are just that.  If you percieve BDSM relationships as faultless and better than vanilla, then you are misinformed because people wo inhabit the BDSM 'world' are people who come from all walks of life and are just people.
 
Peace
the.dark.


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RC&dc


love isnt gazing into each others eyes - it's looking forward in the same direction

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Profile   Post #: 24
RE: Vanilla realtionship = BDSM realtionship - 6/11/2007 4:19:58 AM   
maledave7


Posts: 142
Joined: 8/4/2006
Status: offline 		I am seeking a long-term relationship with a dominant woman. I do seek a relationship where caring, honesty and love would blossom.
I could put a profile on a vanilla site and probability find a woman. I would have to find out if she is interested in being dominant in the relationship. My thought is that there are few dominant women on vanilla sites.
I put my profile on this site to find a dominant woman. I can see before hand that she is dominant and what she is looking for. I know that there are only a few dominant women in my area on this site. I feel my chances are better on this site. I feel on this site that you can be more open and honest to what you are looking for. I do believe that I will find the right one.

(in reply to openmindedslave)
Profile   Post #: 25
RE: Vanilla realtionship = BDSM realtionship - 6/11/2007 7:21:09 AM   
truesub4u


Posts: 2949
Joined: 11/17/2005
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: WhiplashSmile

In terms of BDSM lifestyle relationships, I've come to the mindset about it,  That it the involves the conscious awareness and practice of at least one area of BDSM betweew two people.     

The foundation of the relationship does not has to be based upon D/s, at least this is what I believe based on my experience and the experiences others have shared on this message board.   How do Dom Couples function after all? How to two switches have a relationship together.

I believe it's a wonder thing to be D&S conscious and aware, in any BDSM relationship.  You can understand and work out Power Exchanges involved between two, instead of mindlessly fight for it like a pair of unknowing vanilla heads.  Who is in control of what aspects of what in the relationship.   Not everybody does TPE (total power exchange).   

I believe there are a number of people online here that have PPE (partial power exchange) relationships, I respect the fact that they have worked things out with their partners on the levels they have.

I try not to analyze this too much, but I've noticed a few people on the Message Board that do have TPE, a large number that are PPE along with an equal number of people I could not comment one way or another on. 

I don't believe for a moment that D/s is the BE ALL END ALL in terms of relationship structures in the BDSM lifestyle.  There is a difference between D/s and D&S.  Many people are typing D/s to indicate a relationship structure.  It took me a bit before I saw the light of day that D/D (Dom couples) relationship fall under D&S.  Just remove the S.  

Compare it to S&M, and think in terms of pair of Non Sadistic Masochists getting together and playing.  I feel if we all did a better job at sperating the concepts of BDSM at times, we'd have a better understanding of others in the community as a whole.

D/s has becomes so over emphasized at times, that many people falsely believe they have to have to it,  to have a BDSM life and not be considered vanailla.


Interesting.....  I always enjoy reading your post. They give me a chance to think.

But I wonder too... about anothers post...

Those who are not submissive to the core of their being, says my Sir, but role play submission, do not understand control of the mind heart and will 24/7.


How can someone claim I am or I am not not, just because I do not think nor feel they way they expect me to?

And yes this seems sort of back track responding to some on here from me, cause I use to think because I felt 1 way about something, that's the way it was... sometimes. But after awhile on these boards. You start to rethink things, open an already open mind even further.

Amazing... utterly amazing.

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Wisdom is knowing what to do next, Skill is knowing how to do it, and Virtue is doing it.

(in reply to WhiplashSmile)
Profile   Post #: 26
RE: Vanilla realtionship = BDSM realtionship - 6/11/2007 10:54:20 AM   
SimplyMichael


Posts: 7229
Joined: 1/7/2007
Status: offline 		The skills needed to make relationships work are for the most part the same whether that be kinky or vanilla. 

I think the places where it differs is that a well grounded dominant can take a submissive with lesser relationship skills and often accelerate their learning of better relationship skills due to the power dynamic but that is a potential not a guarantee.

(in reply to truesub4u)
Profile   Post #: 27
RE: Vanilla realtionship = BDSM realtionship - 6/11/2007 11:50:07 AM   
Celeste43


Posts: 3066
Joined: 2/4/2006
From: NYS
Status: offline 		The ex was vanilla but also not dominant. There are vanilla men who are dominant. I love being tied up during sex but that takes second place to a man who can, when the chips are down, make the necessary decision. As Truman's famous sign said, "The buck stops here".

For me, the difference was he knows he wants to be the one with the authority to make and enforce decisions when necessary. And I know I don't want it although I do want my opinions listened to and my knowledge taken into account before he makes his decisions.

(in reply to RCdc)
Profile   Post #: 28
RE: Vanilla realtionship = BDSM realtionship - 6/11/2007 12:24:54 PM   
MasterMagnus321


Posts: 86
Joined: 10/4/2005
Status: offline 		I believe that people do everything to fulfill certain needs, whether they realize it or not.  Certain Doms, Tops, or Masters, (take your pick), seem to have serious control issues, and bring a degree of toxic negativity into their exchanges with other humans.  Other Doms, however, seem to be pure and true in their beliefs, their understanding of themselves, and the perspective from which they view life.  In such a scenario, they may want to change another person's habits, accentuate positive attributes,  capitalize on opportunities for improvement, and change the other's way of life out of concern for the person's interests, and a deep desire to foster their well-being and over all serenity factor.  I want to be involved in such a dynamic and affect it's happening because I can, and personally I find the experience to be good... very good.

_____________________________

Nothing lasts, and yet nothing passes, either.
And nothing passes just because nothing lasts.
-Philip Roth

~MASTERMAGNUS

(in reply to openmindedslave)
Profile   Post #: 29
RE: Vanilla realtionship = BDSM realtionship - 6/17/2007 9:53:34 AM   
johnsteed2


Posts: 27
Joined: 3/27/2005
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: openmindedslave

What is really the difference for many out here looking  for ltr  when you compare  relationships in the Vanilla world.

Recently I was speaking with some one that said they were looking for a relationship where there was respect, carring , honesty,  and eventually love if it would blossum. I read so many profiles that really you could put them on MAtch .com instead of here.
So is it more the kink or mental level of who is in charge in the realtionship that brings you here looking for  a long term relationship. Or does the BDSM intrigue you but really is not a neccessary 24/7 deal breaker in  finding a realtionship  for the longterm.. Thank you for responding


My profile probably fits into the category of "could be posted on Match" because indeed I'm looking for vanilla LTR with respect, honesty, compassion, etc. But, BDSM for me is a deal-breaker. I know that it has to be part of my life, part of a relationship. As a bonus, I think creative BDSM is something that can keep a relationship fresh where so many other fail. But I have yet to have the chance to prove that.

quote:

ORIGINAL: maledave7

I am seeking a long-term relationship with a dominant woman. I do seek a relationship where caring, honesty and love would blossom.
I could put a profile on a vanilla site and probability find a woman. I would have to find out if she is interested in being dominant in the relationship. My thought is that there are few dominant women on vanilla sites.
I put my profile on this site to find a dominant woman. I can see before hand that she is dominant and what she is looking for. I know that there are only a few dominant women in my area on this site. I feel my chances are better on this site. I feel on this site that you can be more open and honest to what you are looking for. I do believe that I will find the right one.

I have gone back and forth on this. At present, I'm sort of leaning towards finding a "vanilla" person elsewhere (Match type sites, "real-world" meeting, etc.) and hoping that she has or can discover a Domme side. Admittedly, this is a bit of a crap-shoot, unless one becomes "good" at detecting a dominant personality. While some might claim they can spot them "a mile away" I'd disagree. There are some you can spot a mile away, and from my experience, those dommes are too over the top for me (It's my way or the highway, I know I'm always right, etc.). In my experience, it's the ones that don't realize they have a domme side that can have the type of balanced relationship I seek. But that's just what I seek; there's nothing wrong with other personalities.

So far, I've had much more luck finding women in the non-Ds world and then within that group finding those that turn out to have a domme side they either did or didn't know about. I have indeed met some very nice and interesting dommes here on CM though, so I still hang out here!

< Message edited by johnsteed2 -- 6/17/2007 9:55:26 AM >

(in reply to openmindedslave)
Profile   Post #: 30
RE: Vanilla realtionship = BDSM realtionship - 6/17/2007 10:21:53 AM   
ownedgirlie


Posts: 9184
Joined: 2/5/2006
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: thetammyjo

In my house, the spouse and I may argue about what needs to be done or we might just have a discussion. We may consult each other or inform each other of what we are doing but we don't feel the need to clear or get permission. This can lead to problems in terms of scheduling things though we do have a "family calendar" that everyone is supposed to write on. That's the vanilla relationship.

In my house, the slave and I do not argue -- ok, maybe a 1% chance we might argue but frankly I can't remember the last either of us raised a voice or or strongly disagreed. Fox clears his schedule with me in terms of time with friends and even when making plans with his family. His job is in the schedule all ready as are private times for him after I go to bed at night. That's the Ds relationship.

That's how it works at my place in my relationships.


This is very much as my Master sees it. 

There really is nothing vanilla about my relationship with him.  I am owned property.  His word is my law.  We do not "date," we do not negotiate, and I adapt my schedule and life to fit his.  I am given so much in return...most importantly, I am able to be true to myself with him.

(in reply to thetammyjo)
Profile   Post #: 31
RE: Vanilla realtionship = BDSM realtionship - 6/17/2007 10:25:22 AM   
FemMiss


Posts: 51
Joined: 5/4/2007
From: Egypt
Status: offline 		I want to speak about me... Im a Mistress but like to live a love story with my sub... to control and love him at the same time.. to own him as a slave and a lover...

_____________________________

Be Yourself, who else is better qualified...

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Profile   Post #: 32
RE: Vanilla realtionship = BDSM realtionship - 6/17/2007 10:33:59 AM   
johnsteed2


Posts: 27
Joined: 3/27/2005
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: FemMiss

I want to speak about me... Im a Mistress but like to live a love story with my sub... to control and love him at the same time.. to own him as a slave and a lover...
I'm curious -- I read your profile and was wondering just how much of a BDSM community there is in Egypt, especially femdom, which goes against Islamic Sharia law (of course, luckily, Egypt is still a secular state, for now). This is a bit off topic, I guess.

(in reply to FemMiss)
Profile   Post #: 33
RE: Vanilla realtionship = BDSM realtionship - 6/18/2007 2:28:48 AM   
FemMiss


Posts: 51
Joined: 5/4/2007
From: Egypt
Status: offline 		johnsteed,  Egypt as well as the middle east is v. conservative esp. concerning sexual acts... but everything happens! most of the bdsm practices arent against the Islamic Sharia if between a married couple..

Egypt is a secular country but Egyptians are v.religious whether they are Muslims or Christians.. Religion plays a v. important rule in our lives..

_____________________________

Be Yourself, who else is better qualified...

(in reply to johnsteed2)
Profile   Post #: 34
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