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KnightofMists -> RE: Authority Transfer (6/14/2007 7:02:18 AM)
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quote:
ORIGINAL: kyraofMists
What aspects of your life do you or are you willing to transfer authority to your partner?
What aspects of your partners life do you want to have the authority transferred to you?
well you answered these questions when you said
quote:
Those who read posts from our family know that we view our relationship as an authority transfer dynamic where Alandra and I transfer all our authority to him. He will exercise his authority in whatever aspects of our life that he wants and delegates back to us those aspects that he is not want to at that time. In reading the responses others made to the Asking Permissions thread I had a few other questions
quote:
How did you arrive at the decision on what authority is transferred?
Now this question is a difficult one to answer. I can't recall there ever being a specific moment that I decide this was what I wanted. However, when I look back in particular to my relationship with Alandra.... Complete Authority Transfer (CAT) is what existed between us from the beginning. From the beginning I would exercise authority in making decisions in any area that I desired to. Alandra was always willingly comply to my choices in all aspects. These decisions where not made in isolation. From the beginning, I would consult and seek Alandra's thoughts and feelings, but the decision was always mine to make. In the beginning, Alandra would come to me seeking my choice on decisisons that she and no particular idea of my perference. In time as she became aware of what I enjoyed and liked and would make choices that I wanted. However, she was always quick to adjust when my preference changed. In essense, in areas that I didn't choose to Exercise my Authority, I had delegated the choices to Alandra. In these situations, Alandra was careful to ensure that she was still making choices that I would approve of. Seeking permission was a very natural aspect for our dynamic from the very beginning.
*chuckles* I remember in the beginning my Mother being rather frustrated by Alandra's hesitations to make choices without talking to me first. More than a few occassions after going shopping with my Mother, Alandra was pushed and prodded to make purchases or to this or that without talking to me first. Intially, these situations was rather stressfull for Alandra. However, in time with a few conversations, soon Alandra was empowered in how to deal with my Mother. Of course, my Mom being a smart cookie knew she been had. She knew that regardless of the choices that she prodded Alandra into, Alandra somehow already had my blessing. After that she started to poke at me since she could couldn't do a flank maneuver.
Well fast forward 15 years plus and in walks Kyra into my life. Being rather set in the dynamic that has been established within my relationship with Alandra, it wasn't much a decision in what authority I would want from Kyra. With Alandra it was a very natural flow and development from the beginning. It was a very young woman of 17 that entered into a life long commitment. It was a young woman that was rather adaptable with few relationship issues of the past. The slate was rather clean. With Kyra, an equally beautiful woman comes into my life, but she is alot of life experiences that colors her perceptions of relationships. Many of norms of mainstream relationships have been embedded in her after all these years. It really is unimportant that these same norms actually have contributed to her being unhapy with her past relationships. It was in essense, All she Knew. I came to realize that for many individuals like Kyra, Individuals that are unaware of any other style/dynamic of relationship than what is expressed with mainstream society, will live that way regardless if it makes them happy or not. They no other way. The consequences of such a situation is to reduce their own relationship confidence. They beat themselves up... they aren't happy within relationships.. using the only dyamics that they are aware of.
When Kyra came into my life she had just begun to become aware that there was another way.... but completely unaware of what that way was. In the beginnning, it was teaching her what this new way was. It was also a process of reaching within her past relationships and discovering that she was seeking Authority Transfer within them. However, such a dynamic was not going to be realized and thus she was setup to be unhappy within those relationships. Over the past couple years, it has been a steady process of embracing a new way to function within a relationship. Slowly she has and is replacing old norms of behavior with new ones. New behaviors that actual contribute to her Happiness and Well-being. It has not always been easy. However, once the momentum started, it was not going be stopped by hanging on to behaviors and ideals that distract from her Happiness. I often wondered what she is most actually scared of as she stepped into this new direction. Was it the unknown dynamics before her, or was it the fact that despite those fears she was going to go in this direction. That she was in fact compelled to move in a direction that was very much different than anything she was taught or raised with.
Thou both relationships followed a different road... they both arrived at the same destination eventually. Which is the How.
but the Why?... We arrived here because it brought Happiness and Well-being with our relationships. This is the motivations that drives us to live the way we live.
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