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Submissive Doesn’t Equal Stupid - 6/15/2007 8:41:51 AM   
cricket832


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I’ve recently struggled with this and even wondered if my inquisitiveness or demand for accountability and communication negates my submissiveness.  I really wondered if it made me less of a good sub to question things I am unsure of or uncomfortable with. 
 
When I first got on Collarme I was immediately intrigued by the whole ‘slave’ concept.  Too much good fiction and my own fantasies… and this really appealed to me.  It took about 2 days to realize that is just not me and it never will be.  I’m a GREAT sub and would love to ‘play’ slave on request but I will never BE a slave at heart.  I need to have input and an opinion.  I’m not disobedient or disrespectful, but I want to be treated with respect, dignity and love.  It became abundantly clear that slavery negated those options with the wrong Dom.  This was not a chance I was going to take.
 
So, since I was obsessed with ‘classifying’ myself I settled for submissive.  I feel I am so because I thoroughly enjoy deferring to my Dominant male partner’s wishes and fulfilling his needs brings me great pleasure.  I am a good girl!  But I do need the right to speak out, respectfully of course, with my concerns.
 
In previous (vanilla) relationships I recognize the fact that I damaged the relationship with my stubbornness, my attitude, my arguing.  I should be a lawyer, I can prove any point effectively….. lol.  And I am a Libra so I have a tendency to insist on ‘fairness’.  In a recent relationship I made a conscious effort to change that.  I stopped insisting to have my way.  I quit fighting and remained calm almost always.  I deferred to Him when there was a conflict.  I pretty much gave him his way, trusted completely and turned my life over.  I discovered my submissive side and realized it felt really good.  I loved myself more for the person I was becoming.  It made me happy to please and serve. 
 
I still insisted on my input, and he listened but I rarely got what I was asking for.  Some of what I was asking for was basic necessities a relationship needs to thrive.  Things ended poorly with him, and it has become obvious that my passiveness or even my submissiveness allowed him full room to abuse the relationship we had and take advantage of me.  Yes, I know.  Obviously this was just one of those bad relationships where you have your eyes opened in the end.  Everyone has had one and I am not at a loss for losing him. 
 
What I am at a loss for is now returning to the whole ‘defining me’.  Was I stupid for being completely submissive and letting someone walk all over me?  Do I have to shut up just because I am submissive?  At what point do you say TIME OUT and go back to reality and insist on the things you need to be happy?  I ask because I truly WANT to be a good submissive when I find the right Dominant, I want to please Him and turn my life over but don’t want to repeat history.
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RE: Submissive Doesn’t Equal Stupid - 6/15/2007 8:44:56 AM   
LuckyAlbatross


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Just as submissive doesn't equal stupid, dominant does not equal asshole.

However, plenty of submissives are or act like they are stupid, and plenty of dominants are assholes.

You need to pick the relationship with the PERSON (who happens to be a dominant) you work well with in the long term.  The process really is no different than any vanilla relationship.

You insist on the things you need to be happy by refusing to be in a relationship with anyone who doesn't work for you, and ideally they should be doing exactly the same thing.  Make SURE before you make a commitment.

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RE: Submissive Doesn’t Equal Stupid - 6/15/2007 8:49:12 AM   
countrygirl69


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I do not pretend to know anything about any of this I only know me .and I see nothing wrong with how you define yourself the problem as subs we have in my opinion is that it is easy to be taken advantage of so we have to be submissive but still keep our wits about us you can't totally give yourself to anyone until you gain and they earn your trust  .i suppose we all have to make mistakes in our journey and eventually we find our match

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RE: Submissive Doesn’t Equal Stupid - 6/15/2007 9:29:54 AM   
KatyLied


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quote:

I’ve recently struggled with this and even wondered if my inquisitiveness or demand for accountability and communication negates my submissiveness. I really wondered if it made me less of a good sub to question things I am unsure of or uncomfortable with.


It only makes you less of a sub to those doms who aren't good at domination. 


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RE: Submissive Doesn’t Equal Stupid - 6/15/2007 9:37:39 AM   
juliaoceania


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I would recommend not allowing those whom you have not consented to submit to label you.... I refer you to my quote below... once you label me, you negate me. The person that inspires your compliance will not find your inquisitive nature a detriment.. although he may curb it

< Message edited by juliaoceania -- 6/15/2007 9:38:17 AM >


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Once you label me, you negate me ~ Soren Kierkegaard

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RE: Submissive Doesn’t Equal Stupid - 6/15/2007 9:49:17 AM   
earthycouple


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The advice of those who posted before me is right on target.

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Seeking, searching, hoping, living, loving, jumping. So what's new with you?

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RE: Submissive Doesn’t Equal Stupid - 6/15/2007 10:08:08 AM   
slaveish


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I am a slave to Master and I am not stifled to share my opinions with him. I get what I need from the dynamic - friendship, caring, affection, stability, structure, and guidance. As promised, he is indeed Mastering me. He knows, as well as I do, that in order for the relationship to thrive we both have to be fulfilled within it. He shows me by his actions and words that (a) he does wish me to be in his life, and (b) I am his slave. Before him, I self-defined as a submissive, but you know ... he could tell me that I was his car keys for all I care. The ~relationship~ works.

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You only lose what you cling to. ~~Gautama Sidharta

If we have no peace, it is because we have forgotten that we belong to each other. ~~Mother Teresa

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RE: Submissive Doesn’t Equal Stupid - 6/15/2007 10:48:06 AM   
slaveluci


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quote:

ORIGINAL: cricket832
I will never BE a slave at heart.  I need to have input and an opinion.  I’m not disobedient or disrespectful, but I want to be treated with respect, dignity and love.  It became abundantly clear that slavery negated those options with the wrong Dom

Hello cricket,
It's wonderful that you have done some thinking and decided what is and isn't for you.  I would add here, however, that being a slave does not necessarily mean one can have no "input" or "opinion."  I'm sure it does mean that for some but, in our M/s relationship, my status as slave does not mean I have no input or opinions.  Heck, in ours, my input and opinions are even asked for, listened to, and respected
.  Imagine that!  LOL....My slavery does NOT "negate" these "options."  You'll find that every relationship is different.  For some, slavery may mean what you wrote but not for my Master and myself.

quote:

I do need the right to speak out, respectfully of course, with my concerns

Again, as a slave, I have this right as well.  If my Master thought for a minute that I had concerns about something and I didn't express them to Him, there would be serious trouble.  He has very little patience for me keeping concerns, worries, etc. to myself.  Since He owns me, they are His as well.

quote:

I discovered my submissive side and realized it felt really good.  I loved myself more for the person I was becoming.  It made me happy to please and serve

Congratulations!  It does feel wonderful, doesn't it?  

quote:

I still insisted on my input, and he listened but I rarely got what I was asking for

That's a risk you take.  That's a distinction I find that often people do not make.  They seem to assume that a slave should never have input or ask for anything.  Some even rabidly insist that slaves "have no needs" but don't get me started on that.  My Master desires my input and wants me to ask for anything I feel I need.  Now, that DOESN'T mean I always GET it or that my input sways Him on anything.  But, I AM expected to give voice to what I want Him to know.  I may get it, I may not but, again, that's up to Him.

quote:

Was I stupid for being completely submissive and letting someone walk all over me?  Do I have to shut up just because I am submissive?  At what point do you say TIME OUT and go back to reality and insist on the things you need to be happy?  I ask because I truly WANT to be a good submissive when I find the right Dominant, I want to please Him and turn my life over but don’t want to repeat history.

You weren't "stupid for being completely submissive".  If he walked all over you, perhaps you were just completely submissive to the wrong dom for you.  You made a mistake just like many others do within BDSM and the vanilla realm.  You do NOT have to "shut up just because" you are submissive and don't believe anyone who says you do, especially since you are uncollared and not obligated to "obey"anyone at this point.  Before you enter into yet another relationship, make sure you have been very open and honest about the things you need to be happy, as you say.  Contrary to what some may tell you, you have every right in the word to decide what you want and need and what you will and will not accept, tolerate, or settle for.  Once all those things are clear to you, then perhaps you can turn your life over to another after having discussed it in full and determining that the relationship will indeed offer you those things.  I truly wish you the best.  Don't accept a relationship that you know you won't be fulfilled in........slave luci

< Message edited by slaveluci -- 6/15/2007 11:10:42 AM >


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RE: Submissive Doesn’t Equal Stupid - 6/15/2007 1:01:57 PM   
Lashra


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My best advice is be yourself. You should be able to ask questions, express opinions and desires respectfully. No one should expect you to be a robot and have none of the above. Just because your a submissive does not mean that you are not human. I would say any Dominant that tells you you aren't submissive because you have a mind and aren't afraid to use it, is someone that is very insecure.

Bottom line, be yourself or you will not be happy. Do not "settle" because you think there is nothing else out there, there is, all you have to do is wait, be patient and seek it.

Good luck,
~Lashra


_____________________________

“We can never judge the lives of others, because each person knows only their own pain and renunciation. It's one thing to feel that you are on the right path, but it's another to think that yours is the only path.”






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RE: Submissive Doesn’t Equal Stupid - 6/15/2007 2:06:25 PM   
MasterFireMaam


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From: Charleston, WV
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quote:

ORIGINAL: LuckyAlbatross

Just as submissive doesn't equal stupid, dominant does not equal asshole.

However, plenty of submissives are or act like they are stupid, and plenty of dominants are assholes.

You need to pick the relationship with the PERSON (who happens to be a dominant) you work well with in the long term.  The process really is no different than any vanilla relationship.

You insist on the things you need to be happy by refusing to be in a relationship with anyone who doesn't work for you, and ideally they should be doing exactly the same thing.  Make SURE before you make a commitment.


What she said...with the addition of:
The "ordinary" things that make a healthy vanilla relationship should still be present. The only difference in the two relationships is that you've transferes authority to someone inside a structured relationship. There should be ways for you to express yourself and feel that you have truly been heard.

Master Fire


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RE: Submissive Doesn’t Equal Stupid - 6/15/2007 3:05:02 PM   
MadRabbit


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quote:

ORIGINAL: MasterFireMaam

quote:

ORIGINAL: LuckyAlbatross

Just as submissive doesn't equal stupid, dominant does not equal asshole.

However, plenty of submissives are or act like they are stupid, and plenty of dominants are assholes.

You need to pick the relationship with the PERSON (who happens to be a dominant) you work well with in the long term.  The process really is no different than any vanilla relationship.

You insist on the things you need to be happy by refusing to be in a relationship with anyone who doesn't work for you, and ideally they should be doing exactly the same thing.  Make SURE before you make a commitment.


What she said...with the addition of:
The "ordinary" things that make a healthy vanilla relationship should still be present. The only difference in the two relationships is that you've transferes authority to someone inside a structured relationship. There should be ways for you to express yourself and feel that you have truly been heard.

Master Fire



What she said...lol.

Its very easy to start out with a lot of misconceptions about this, but as you meet M/S couples and come to learn about the dynamic, there isnt a huge difference between how the two relationships function.

Respect, dignity and love are very much apart of the healthy M/S relationship.


_____________________________

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RE: Submissive Doesn’t Equal Stupid - 6/16/2007 7:25:44 AM   
michelleryder


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I don't understand why as a slave wouldn't you be treated with respect dignity and love I certainly am

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RE: Submissive Doesn’t Equal Stupid - 6/16/2007 7:35:54 AM   
Stephann


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From: Portland, OR
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The only relationships that take no work, are the most frivolous and superficial. 

It sounds like the guy from your past simplyi wasn't a good match for you.  The next man you consider surrendering to will come with his own strengths, faults, quirks, and issues.  You'll have to decide if they're deal breakers or not.  Ideally, there will be a minimum of friction; that's what you should concern yourself with.

Being a 'slave' doesn't mean your opinion is worthless or you have no opportunity to express those opinions.  Rather, I tend to see a slave as someone who actively chooses to be relieved of a final choice.  The 'right' to say no isn't taken; it's surrendered as well.

Good luck,

Stephan


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RE: Submissive Doesn’t Equal Stupid - 6/16/2007 8:03:51 AM   
SimplyMichael


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There has been much wonderful advice on this thread but there is something I haven't seen mentioned.

Patterns

You seem to be breaking out of one pattern (being controlling in your relationships) and now seek to change another (the type of relationship you are in) but all of us have layers of patterns.  Look back at your previous relationships for patterns in who you chose to be with.  Look at your last relationship as well.  Spotting them isn't always easy although a great guide is if it happens twice it might be a pattern, if it happens three times it is a pattern.

Look for the thread that connections your emotionally controlling behavior in your prior relationships and the things that made you happy by letting go in your last relationship and even perhaps the things that made the last one end.  Somewhere in there are the clues to finding the pattern and once you find it, dealing with it so you can choose better partners will become easier.

(in reply to Stephann)
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RE: Submissive Doesn’t Equal Stupid - 6/16/2007 8:32:35 AM   
sleazybutterfly


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quote:

ORIGINAL: cricket832

 
When I first got on Collarme I was immediately intrigued by the whole ‘slave’ concept.  Too much good fiction and my own fantasies… and this really appealed to me.  It took about 2 days to realize that is just not me and it never will be.  I’m a GREAT sub and would love to ‘play’ slave on request but I will never BE a slave at heart.  I need to have input and an opinion.  I’m not disobedient or disrespectful, but I want to be treated with respect, dignity and love.  It became abundantly clear that slavery negated those options with the wrong Dom.  This was not a chance I was going to take.
 
Contrary to popular belief a lot of slaves are treated not only with respect, but dignity, and tons of love.  We are also allowed to (shock!) have opinions and voice them on a regular basis.  Yes, it is sometimes hard to find one that will do that with you, but no harder than finding someone you are compatible with in the vanilla world.  We aren't all mindless drones walking about without the capability to form sentences.  If a slave is not what you are, that's fine, but don't box the "slave" term into what you think it is...besides, I am too pudgy to fit in a box anyway.
 
 

 
So, since I was obsessed with ‘classifying’ myself I settled for submissive.  I feel I am so because I thoroughly enjoy deferring to my Dominant male partner’s wishes and fulfilling his needs brings me great pleasure.  I am a good girl!  But I do need the right to speak out, respectfully of course, with my concerns.

 
As a slave, you could speak out about concerns also.  Maybe you are just rushing to label yourself, most of us did the same thing trying to figure out where we fit it.  I have been a sub, slave, switch, and Dom, myself....it's a learning process and nothing should be rushed.

 
In previous (vanilla) relationships I recognize the fact that I damaged the relationship with my stubbornness, my attitude, my arguing.  I should be a lawyer, I can prove any point effectively….. lol.  And I am a Libra so I have a tendency to insist on ‘fairness’.  In a recent relationship I made a conscious effort to change that.  I stopped insisting to have my way.  I quit fighting and remained calm almost always.  I deferred to Him when there was a conflict.  I pretty much gave him his way, trusted completely and turned my life over.  I discovered my submissive side and realized it felt really good.  I loved myself more for the person I was becoming.  It made me happy to please and serve. 

I am a libra also, so I know what kind of personlity that is.  I do trust my M with everything, but I make tons of choices on my own.  He is the head of our home though, and if I come to him with a decision, he will choose whether to make it or not, most of the time he just wants me to do what makes me the happiest.


What I am at a loss for is now returning to the whole ‘defining me’.  Was I stupid for being completely submissive and letting someone walk all over me?No, I have been a doormat with men before, but I have learned that it's hard to not make someone happy when you love them so much.

 
Do I have to shut up just because I am submissive? Yes, you are not allowed to talk anymore at all, it's in the rule book.  Of course you can talk, most doms encourage their sub/slave to voice their thoughts and opinions on things.  They get tired of the whole mind reading game that so many play.
 
 At what point do you say TIME OUT and go back to reality and insist on the things you need to be happy? Why do you need to leave reality?  My reality every single day is being a slave, yet I have all I need to make me happy.  We don't all sleep in the corner naked on a mat with only food, water, and shelter.(not that there is anything wrong if that's your thing).  I learned never to settle for someone that wouldn't fulfill my life in the best way, and give me what I needed to make my life happy.  I make his very happy and give him anything he needs/wants, why shouldn't I have the same in return?  These relationships are a two way street, if they aren't, it's only because that's the way someone chose to live, nothing more.
 
 I ask because I truly WANT to be a good submissive when I find the right Dominant, I want to please Him and turn my life over but don’t want to repeat history.
 Use caution and don't jump into anything.  There is a habit of frenzy when you find someone over here and the brain decides to go bye, bye.  You never have to settle for anything you don't want, nor to live a certain way.  If you are sub, that's great, if you are a slave, great also.  Don't be in a big rush to find what you are, it will come as things progress.  I had no idea I was a slave until I was a sub first and knew I wanted more.  I am dominant outside of my relationship and anything but a doormat.  I have just chosen to give my life and control over to my Master.  I am still very happy, I still say what I want, and am expected to voice my concerns when I have them.  My Master even asks me if I need anything when he gets up.  Not every M/s D/s relationship is the same, just like vanilla ones. 
 
Set your standards of what you want, and don't change them if it takes you years to find the one that fits them.  Patience is very much a virtue around here, it's the only way you will keep your mind in control of your heart.
 
Good luck.



_____________________________

~Flutterby
~Curvylicious

Just when the caterpillar thought the world was over, she became a butterfly.
Life is not a popularity contest, it's better to be hated for what you believe, than loved for a lie.

(in reply to cricket832)
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RE: Submissive Doesn’t Equal Stupid - 6/16/2007 9:57:10 AM   
santalia


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quote:

ORIGINAL: slaveluci

Again, as a slave, I have this right as well.  If my Master thought for a minute that I had concerns about something and I didn't express them to Him, there would be serious trouble.  He has very little patience for me keeping concerns, worries, etc. to myself.  Since He owns me, they are His as well.




Greetings

This is how it is with my Master and i also. i am a slave: i have no right to keep anything from Him. i must be open and honest, communicating everything i'm feeling, thinking, etc, and without reservation. And that goes for feelings, happy or otherwise, thoughts, ideas, etc. This doesn't mean i'm able to always come to Him with everything immediately. There are times i have to think things through to figure out what is going on with me. i might even come to Him several times, telling Him i've been thinking over what my feelings, ideas, thoughts, etc., are spurred by and everytime i put more thought into it, i discover something else, add a bit more dimension to it. He expects me to do so at all times.

To the OP, when you say go back to reality, what do you mean? Is your submissive nature not real to you? If it is, then what is this reality you mention? Reality for you is not the same as reality for anyone else. If your submissive nature is real to you, then embrace it. Don't push it away. Also, don't comprimise on what you know you need in a relationship. If you do, you'll just end up miserable. Keep on looking for your One. He is out there. you only need to find Him. Once you do, you will realize that all of this wasn't as much of a big deal as you think it is now, because you'll be in a relationship where you are fulfilled, all of your needs being met. And, if that relationship puts you in the position of being equal partner, submissive, or even slave, that's ok. All that matters is you and your Partner love each other and the relationship you have with Him fulfills both of you.

i wish you well.

-santalia{JR}


(in reply to slaveluci)
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RE: Submissive Doesn’t Equal Stupid - 6/16/2007 10:18:07 AM   
slaverosebeauty


Posts: 1941
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From: Cali
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quote:

ORIGINAL: cricket832
Was I stupid for being completely submissive and letting someone walk all over me? 


 
I don't think you were 'stupid' just new and unsure. We all make mistakes and we can learn and grow and NOT make those same mistakes again. I can be VERY submissive when I want to be or when I am around someone that makes me weak in the knees. Does MJ walk all over me? Nope. He walks with me, He guides me, He talks with me.
 
I had one girl [vanilla] friend this week who said, 'you have sent women's lib back 50 years by checking in with MJ and by asking Him if He will allow you to do things.' My response, "not even close, I am 'liberated' enough to make my own decisions, and my decision to talk to MJ and to get His feelings on things and to see His perspective before I make a decision or consider something that will effect the both of us; yes, I will defer to His decision almost always. When He makes decisions in our relationship, He knows what He is taking on His shoulders."
 
quote:


Do I have to shut up just because I am submissive? 

 
Heck no. I don't, an I am a slave. Being submissive doesn't mean you have to 'sit down and shut up.'
 
quote:


At what point do you say TIME OUT and go back to reality and insist on the things you need to be happy? 

 
What do you mean 'back to reality'?? Being who I am MAKES me happy, this IS a reality.

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"Friends live on in our hearts, regardless if they are here or not."

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RE: Submissive Doesn’t Equal Stupid - 6/16/2007 12:00:03 PM   
CrazyC


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quote:

ORIGINAL: cricket832
 
I still insisted on my input, and he listened but I rarely got what I was asking for.  Some of what I was asking for was basic necessities a relationship needs to thrive.  Things ended poorly with him, and it has become obvious that my passiveness or even my submissiveness allowed him full room to abuse the relationship we had and take advantage of me.  Yes, I know.  Obviously this was just one of those bad relationships where you have your eyes opened in the end.  Everyone has had one and I am not at a loss for losing him.  
 


First off, it sounds like you know yourself pretty well. You obviously knew what you needed from the relationship and asked for it. The fact that he didn't want to fill your needs would show his inability to make it a mutual relationship. Good luck sweety. Sometimes we really just have to go through some toads to find him.

_____________________________

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RE: Submissive Doesn’t Equal Stupid - 6/16/2007 12:46:15 PM   
Level


Posts: 25145
Joined: 3/3/2006
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quote:

ORIGINAL: cricket832

Was I stupid for being completely submissive and letting someone walk all over me? 
 
You did like every other human has done, you've lived and (hopefully) learned. This does not make you stupid. However, one person's "walk all over me" is another's submission.
 
Do I have to shut up just because I am submissive? 
 
No. Unless your dominant wants you to.
 
 At what point do you say TIME OUT and go back to reality and insist on the things you need to be happy? 
 
"Reality".... I'm not trying to be rude, but this makes it sound like you see D/s as role-playing, and if you do, that's okay, as long as you're honest with yourself and others. A "good submissive", to me, is one that will find happiness in pleasing and obeying their dominant. Finding the dominant that inspires that in a submissive is the key. 


_____________________________

Fake the heat and scratch the itch
Skinned up knees and salty lips
Let go it's harder holding on
One more trip and I'll be gone

~~ Stone Temple Pilots

(in reply to cricket832)
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RE: Submissive Doesn’t Equal Stupid - 6/16/2007 5:35:12 PM   
KnightofMists


Posts: 7149
Joined: 7/29/2005
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quote:

ORIGINAL: LuckyAlbatross

, and plenty of dominants are assholes.



hey... I resemble that remark!!  *w*

_____________________________

Knight of Mists

An Optimal relationship is achieved when the individuals do what is best for themselves and their relationship.

(in reply to LuckyAlbatross)
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