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TiNeedsHouseboy -> RE: Looking for Lit. (7/7/2005 5:06:07 AM)
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quote:
ORIGINAL: SapphireMist
Hello I'm really new to all of this and I'm looking for some good reading materiel about being a Domme. Thanks
You’ve got a great starter list that should keep you busy for quite some time! Since learning has few limits, and “readers are leaders” (slogan of the company I used to work for), I have additional suggestions. First, a few cautionary remarks:
Above all else, take what you learn and make it your own. Feel free to accept or reject “how to” notions if they blend or don’t fit with what feels comfortable to you. Then, put your personal “spin” on a notion that you like. Whenever reading advice, always ask yourself two important questions:
1) What is my personal comfort level with this idea?
2) Given “safe” play provisos, is this author disseminating safe information, or leading you to a path of potential harm?
Never feel compelled to do something just because someone pontificates from the mountain that there is allegedly a definitive way to be or act. In fact, be wary if someone ever proclaims such a dynamic.
Reading is insufficient if you’re pondering getting into bondage or beating/whipping or edge play. Be sure you take live classes with experts to learn safe techniques. Even then, remain on guard!
I can cite examples of alleged experts who inflicted intentional harm on the unsuspecting person who was bottoming during a demo. There’s a huge difference between a sadism and malevolence. Inflicting pain-for-pleasure is gravely distinct from inflicting harm.
CRITICAL: Don’t be fooled by someone having a book or website or frequent seminar participation as a reflection of expertise. There’s one person who’s being discussed in another thread, whose name is widely known; what doesn’t seem to be getting around is that she’s misrepresented professional credentials.
Also, be sure you know CPR if you’re going to go beyond very light activities. Learn about aftercare, no matter what—imperative for both sub and Dom/me. If you Google “aftercare,” you should be able to find your way to thoughtful online articles. If you can’t, let me know and I’ll see what’s in my archives.
Beyond aftercare, if you’re in a committed D/s relationship, you’ll need weekly, preplanned, non-scene, discussion about the relationship’s direction. Some weeks there may be little to kick around. Others may involve gut-wrenching revelations. So, you’ll need to bone up on how to promote such talks without getting into confrontational reproaches like, “How can you say such a thing to me?” To this end, books on assertion training are helpful.
Another elemental dynamic: Be ready to have your sub possibly “freak out,” especially at beginning stages, during an activity that’s new to him. You’ll need to keep your head while keeping the sub calm. You’ll need to discern if it’s possible to continue, or terminate the activity—either saving it for an attempt on another day, or chucking it into the notion box of ideas that didn’t work.
While plowing through the endless advice columns and books, it would be helpful to keep this typology in mind: BDSM’ers tend to have one major conceptual division:
SEX-stylers: their attraction is to kinky scenes; someone may or may not be submissive. There’s a difference between bottoming and submission. In fact, some dominant people enjoy bottoming during sensation play.
Vs.
LIFE-stylers: those who are in it because it pervades every moment of their being.
How this gets mixed and matched is as diverse as there are interpersonal differences. It’s common for people to start on the sexual end, discovering their needs have grown over time. There are also those who try it and run in reverse as a good idea gone bad. Practicing D/s does not mandate that one also be into B&D or S&M. People engage in the entire spectrum of possibilities, mixing and matching what suits them.
Some people are “weekend only” BDSM warriors. In other words, come sunup on Saturday, through sundown on Sunday, they’ll behave as if they’re in a total power exchange (TPE) – or whatever label you prefer using for that psychodynamic. (You’ll find semantic disputes everywhere, about every aspect of BDSM.)
Getting involved with the Lifestyle in a 24/7/365 arrangement is a major responsibility for a Dom/me. It should not be entered into lightly, or if you’re uncomfortable with the notion of controlling someone else beyond a time-limited scene. Unless an inner calling exists, no hard and fast “rule” compels you to practice TPE.
Interestingly, some people have very kinky lives outside the bedroom, and totally vanilla sex inside the bedroom. There’s a perfect reflection of the continuum along which BDSM’ers fall.
With that, here are a few more suggestions….
Jack Rinella’s free weekly e-zine discusses dominance and submission from every conceivable angle. Sign up at:
http://www.leatherviews.com/freezine.htm
He also has a sample of his pending book that you can view and preorder at:
http://www.leatherviews.com/index.htm
Some of Jack’s former articles, with a searchable database, are archived at:
http://www.leatherviews.com/cols/search2.asp
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Ms. Christine has free and paid options to receive DOMestic, plus she sells training materials created with her sub husband. I’ve never personally viewed or read those materials. So, I can neither endorse nor slam them.
I am on the DOMestic mailing list. That group’s focus is FemDom, but not all of us in the group endorse that orientation for ourselves. Punch your e-mail address in to join the list at:
http://www.mschristine.com/domestic.html
People regularly post requests for ideas. For example, there’s a thread in progress about how to get one’s subby hubby to quit topping from the bottom.
I also never know when someone will send through something that I can spin into a unique “application.” For example, in 2003, someone created a multi-part send, broken down by category, involving 500 fun things to do with a male sub. That ended up a central element of my reward/punishment system. I deleted activities I didn’t feel were fun for me, and incorporated the rest into my system.
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You may have noticed that Akasha posts regularly to the CollarChat boards. She has some nifty notions for Dommes at:
http://www.akashaweb.com/women/index.html
The Good Girl’s Guide to Domination
I see that she just spiffed up her website. Pages that were formerly gratis morphed into membership pages. You can still read the beginning to get a sense of whether her advice suits your desire to grab a credit card.
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SENSUOUS SADIE:
Articles on the spirituality of BDSM. You can also get her books and sign up for her free e-zine:
http://www.sensuoussadie.com/
Don’t miss her archives at:
http://www.sensuoussadie.com/columnlist.htm
You’ll likely be hearing from a whole lotta married guys. Sensuous Sadie includes intriguing notions about the dilemmas of involvement with someone who’s already committed and fooling around behind his partner’s back. See the two articles in the Adultery section. (This is INDEPENDENT of people in open/poly relationships.)
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And now…. (insert drum roll here) …. I saved my personal fave for last. This is the style of domination that I endorse in my profile. I’m not refuting other styles. It’s simply that this is how I relate most comfortably.
Caring Domination
www.cair4.com
From this perspective, humiliation is not reinforced. As I see it, if someone is worthless, why would he be worthy of my time? I want a sub whose INNER resources are as valuable as all of Fort Knox—with the Hope diamond thrown in on the side.
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The influx of references may feel a tad overwhelming. It’s a progressive learning process. As time marches on, you’ll be able to discover how and where you fit best. As with any explorer on a mission, excitement, fun, danger, and tedium lurk at every turn. You can never be certain what might emerge. How grand!
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