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How can I know if he is the right Dom? - 6/16/2007 12:32:00 PM   
Renal


Posts: 3
Joined: 6/14/2007
Status: offline 		Obviously only by talking to each other is not enough, then how soon would you begin to play with your potential sub? and as you two havent really known each other's interests well, how to start playing?  Usually, how long will the play last, a month, or 2 months b4 2 people can come to the conclusion if they are right for D/s?
Thanks
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RE: How can I know if he is the right Dom? - 6/16/2007 12:34:13 PM   
Level


Posts: 25145
Joined: 3/3/2006
Status: offline 		There isn't any one answer.

_____________________________

Fake the heat and scratch the itch
Skinned up knees and salty lips
Let go it's harder holding on
One more trip and I'll be gone

~~ Stone Temple Pilots

(in reply to Renal)
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RE: How can I know if he is the right Dom? - 6/16/2007 12:39:51 PM   
litleone8620


Posts: 3669
Joined: 6/12/2006
Status: offline 		Follow your instincts and intuition. If it feels wrong, then it probably is.

http://www.collarchat.com/m_667467/mpage_1/key_The%252Cright%252Cone/tm.htm#667478
The Right One




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We have enough youth. How about a fountain of smart?

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RE: How can I know if he is the right Dom? - 6/16/2007 12:40:24 PM   
Renal


Posts: 3
Joined: 6/14/2007
Status: offline 		I just want to know how Doms/subs usually do...as I'm new to this...and it confuses me...

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RE: How can I know if he is the right Dom? - 6/16/2007 12:42:59 PM   
Quivver


Posts: 1953
Joined: 11/27/2004
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: Renal

I just want to know how Doms/subs usually do...as I'm new to this...and it confuses me...


Your young and only been here a few days.  My suggestion is to read old threads,
stick around and read some more.  Speaking up is a great start, but use the info at hand too!


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The problem with communication ... is the illusion that it has been accomplished. ~George Bernard Shaw

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RE: How can I know if he is the right Dom? - 6/16/2007 12:43:11 PM   
imthatacheyouhav


Posts: 1259
Joined: 4/16/2007
Status: offline 		i agree...i never knew exactly when "play" should happen....most men i spoke with wanted it on date number 2...LOL...so its a very good question...i just don't have the answer...i guess like a vanilla thing...how soon would you sleep with someone you were dating?

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*if you don't stand for something, you'll fall for anything*
**collared July 22 2007 by LordKen**

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RE: How can I know if he is the right Dom? - 6/16/2007 12:49:25 PM   
RCdc


Posts: 8674
Status: offline
Hello Renal
Welcome to the CM forums.  As Level stated, there isnt any set way or amount of time to do any activity in BDSM relationships.  My advice is look at it from a non BDSM point of view  - how quickly would you get involved with someone outside what it is that we do?  Don't feel that there is any set way.  You may meet an s-type who you may find slow is good.  You may meet one and end up playing on the first 'date'.  If it feels right, go with it - just take the correct precautions (contraception, safe calls, protection etc)  depending on what type of play you encounter.
 
the.dark.
 

< Message edited by Darcyandthedark -- 6/16/2007 12:55:54 PM >

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RC&dc


love isnt gazing into each others eyes - it's looking forward in the same direction

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RE: How can I know if he is the right Dom? - 6/16/2007 12:51:29 PM   
Level


Posts: 25145
Joined: 3/3/2006
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: Renal

I just want to know how Doms/subs usually do...as I'm new to this...and it confuses me...


I understand, and I wasn't trying to be unhelpful. It's just not something that you can answer for someone else. The easiest way to answer it for yourself and your partner is to communicate and be totally open.
 
Person A needs this, that, and that to be fulfilled.
 
Person B needs those things too, but also needs an unspecified amount of time to be comfortable.
 
Person C needs both thats, and is ready to go ASAP.
 
I can't tell you how to know any of that. Only you can answer for yourself, and only your partner can answer for themselves.

_____________________________

Fake the heat and scratch the itch
Skinned up knees and salty lips
Let go it's harder holding on
One more trip and I'll be gone

~~ Stone Temple Pilots

(in reply to Renal)
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RE: How can I know if he is the right Dom? - 6/16/2007 2:27:20 PM   
SirDraven


Posts: 37
Joined: 10/13/2006
From: Atlanta GA
Status: offline 		In my humble opinion it should be a slow careful process. If a Dom wants to collar you after the first meeting then something is not right.

As stated above if it doesnt feel right it most likely isnt. Trust your instincts.

Ask your potential Dom what his expierence is. Who is mentor is/was. Is he active in the local community.

Good luck in your journey!


_____________________________

Before One can Master others they must first Master themselves.


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RE: How can I know if he is the right Dom? - 6/16/2007 2:59:34 PM   
Areflectionofyou


Posts: 258
Joined: 4/4/2006
Status: offline 		you just know...its hard to say

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RE: How can I know if he is the right Dom? - 6/16/2007 3:19:41 PM   
YourShyPet


Posts: 185
Joined: 6/30/2006
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: Renal

Obviously only by talking to each other is not enough, then how soon would you begin to play with your potential sub? and as you two havent really known each other's interests well, how to start playing?  Usually, how long will the play last, a month, or 2 months b4 2 people can come to the conclusion if they are right for D/s?
Thanks


My Daddy, and I met five years ago..... play didn't start until a little over two months ago... we are still in the testing phase... and will probably be in the testing phase for quite awhile.

kittin

(in reply to Renal)
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RE: How can I know if he is the right Dom? - 6/16/2007 5:30:49 PM   
KnightofMists


Posts: 7149
Joined: 7/29/2005
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: Renal

I just want to know how Doms/subs usually do...as I'm new to this...and it confuses me...


there is nothing wrong with being new... and definitely nothing wrong with this confusing you....

and frankly.... as long as you feel rather confused about things.... that is a good indication to say no to any meaningful commitment and/or even casual play.

Give yourself time to learn abit about things.  Give yourself time to feel more confident of things.  Give yourself time.

_____________________________

Knight of Mists

An Optimal relationship is achieved when the individuals do what is best for themselves and their relationship.

(in reply to Renal)
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RE: How can I know if he is the right Dom? - 6/16/2007 5:36:10 PM   
DrkJourney


Posts: 1917
Joined: 5/6/2007
Status: offline 		As has been said, there is really no answer to that question, except it depends on the two people involved. 

If you've clicked so well that you feel comfortable on the first meeting...the go with it.  It may take another day, another week, or another month...just depends on the two people, what they are looking for, and how much they discussed before they met.

It's totally an individual thing

_____________________________

...Look into my eyes and I'll own you....



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RE: How can I know if he is the right Dom? - 6/17/2007 2:48:36 PM   
FLMaster1958


Posts: 9
Joined: 7/13/2004
Status: offline 		I think there is only one answer to this....Trust.

You are trusting him with your body.. to use you .. to control you.. to punish you.

Do you trust him to keep you safe? Do you trust him to keep his word? If you are a parent, do you trust him with your child and to keep the child away from your real relationship?

This takes time to build. And as far as I am concerned, it must be trust before love. If you fall in love, love is blind. He may do things that show him as untrustworthy, and you will never see it.

(in reply to DrkJourney)
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RE: How can I know if he is the right Dom? - 6/17/2007 9:33:22 PM   
Stephann


Posts: 4214
Joined: 12/27/2006
From: Portland, OR
Status: offline 		As others suggest, it depends.  What does it depend on?

Experience - newbies often take longer to feel comfortable playing, and formalizing D/s relationships

Depth of Interest - Some people are casual players.  Others eat, sleep, breathe, and live BDSM and D/s.  Ironically, casual players probably will involve 'play' sooner, since it represents a far less heavy committment.

Chemistry - Some people just 'trigger' us faster.  Two very shy people probably won't play quickly.  Very outgoing people might play sooner.

Opportunity - if your playspace doubles as your toddler's playspace (or your parents bedroom) you could very well be waiting a while.

In the end, the comfort factor is usually the defining aspect. If it feels wrong, it probably is.

Enjoy!

Stephan


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Nosce Te Ipsum

"The blade itself incites to violence" - Homer

Men: Find a Woman here

(in reply to FLMaster1958)
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RE: How can I know if he is the right Dom? - 6/17/2007 10:23:58 PM   
arayofsunshine55


Posts: 545
Joined: 8/1/2004
From: San Francisco, CA
Status: offline 		Knowing he was right for me was much much less about play and much more about getting to know each other as human beings.  overall compatibility.  Values, goals.  World views.  Passions, and I don't mean play.  Pleasures, and I don't mean play.  And all this developed over time.  Also knowing eh was right was about working through difficult things over the longer haul.  building a foundation.  Until then he was a guy I really enjoyed playing with while I continued to see other guys.

But that's me and based upon what I wanted in the long run.  As you know, this is an individual journey.


_____________________________

Sunshine

Is it not most transformative, most earthshaking, to pierce the veils of self-deception and illusion, and crack the eggshell of ignorance, to most intimately encounter oneself? Lama Surya Das

(in reply to Renal)
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RE: How can I know if he is the right Dom? - 6/17/2007 11:02:51 PM   
SimplyMichael


Posts: 7229
Joined: 1/7/2007
Status: offline 		If you can I would attend some munches and start going to some play parties.  Take your time, watch people, see who interests you, find out about them.

Also, look at your past relationships and their patterns, if you make good choices in partners I would say don't take as much time, if you don't tend to pick good partners, I would take my time, watch and learn.

Play a game and pick a couple of people in your head and then see how those choices change over a couple of months.  If you still like them, walk up and talk to them, ask them to play with you at a party, see how it goes.

There is perfect answer but there are a lot of bad options, going slowly never killed anyone and very rarely breaks a heart.


(in reply to Renal)
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RE: How can I know if he is the right Dom? - 6/17/2007 11:15:12 PM   
Kinkypupper


Posts: 713
Joined: 9/26/2004
From: Portland oregon
Status: offline 		How does anyone truely know anything..
Sometimes its a leap of faith that is needed.

_____________________________

Phil Moulton
A Sensual Touch
Locopony Racing
Portland Oregon

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Profile   Post #: 18
RE: How can I know if he is the right Dom? - 6/18/2007 6:35:52 AM   
slaveish


Posts: 1086
Joined: 2/19/2007
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: Renal

Obviously only by talking to each other is not enough, then how soon would you begin to play with your potential sub? and as you two havent really known each other's interests well, how to start playing?  Usually, how long will the play last, a month, or 2 months b4 2 people can come to the conclusion if they are right for D/s?
Thanks



There is no one right answer, Renal. My rule of thumb is a minimum of knowing the other person three months before playing (if you are referring to "play" as "sex") so as to keep the false expectation out of it. If have done it much sooner than that ... but with age comes wisdom (hopefully). When one focuses on sex, it blinds one to potential pitfalls of the relationship. Get past the blissful newness of the thing before you go poking around in someone else's private parts.

_____________________________

You only lose what you cling to. ~~Gautama Sidharta

If we have no peace, it is because we have forgotten that we belong to each other. ~~Mother Teresa

(in reply to Renal)
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RE: How can I know if he is the right Dom? - 6/18/2007 7:30:35 AM   
MistressDolly


Posts: 917
Joined: 8/24/2006
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: Renal

Obviously only by talking to each other is not enough, then how soon would you begin to play with your potential sub? and as you two havent really known each other's interests well, how to start playing?  Usually, how long will the play last, a month, or 2 months b4 2 people can come to the conclusion if they are right for D/s?
Thanks


quote:

ORIGINAL: FLMaster1958

I think there is only one answer to this....Trust.

You are trusting him with your body.. to use you .. to control you.. to punish you.

Do you trust him to keep you safe? Do you trust him to keep his word? If you are a parent, do you trust him with your child and to keep the child away from your real relationship?

This takes time to build. And as far as I am concerned, it must be trust before love. If you fall in love, love is blind. He may do things that show him as untrustworthy, and you will never see it.


Excellent point.


And to add: Basically, it boils down to chemistry.

(And the more you get to know someone, the better it will be.)

_____________________________

m i s t r e s s d o l l y . c o m

m y s p a c e


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