Coping with my Master's depression

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elisubeth2007 -> Coping with my Master's depression (6/16/2007 8:37:03 PM)
my Master told me recently He was depressed. About 2 weeks ago He started shutting me out of His life, no phone calls, emails, text messages, not returning any of my messages. After 4 days i became very concerned & went to His house. He let me in, but said He had issues to deal with, didn't need my or anyone else's help & just wanted to be left alone to deal with things Himself. The next day i emailed Him telling Him how cut off, alone and confused i am feeling, that even if He doesn't need my help, i need Him. But i am still cut off from Him even though i see Him loggin on to CM. Part of me is worried about Him and wants to give Him the space He needs, but part of me wants to protect myself & end our relationship. i would love to hear any suggestions on the best way to handle this situation. Thanks!

bbwsubnnorcal -> RE: Coping with my Master's depression (6/16/2007 9:38:15 PM)
Okay... sorry to be blunt, be hey, that's me.... GET THE HINT!!! He has dumped you and doesn't have the BALLS to tell you this. Why do i know this... because i have an asshole brother who does the same thing. "I have issues..." "I want to be alone for a while..." I've heard them all. I tried to warn these women myself but they were so enamored by his good looks and his expensive toys, they never bothered to look deep down inside his soul and see how much of a shallow narcasissistic megalomaniac he really is. Also consider this... if he is depressed, he needs medical attention and is refusing. That right there should be an indicator of your future should you decide to clamp onto one of his legs, dragging you through the mud, as he walks away. Again, sorry to sound like a nay-sayer... but he's thrown the truth in your front of you. And even though it's not pretty, it's going to be up to you to deal with this trial with dignity. PS... the more you text, call, email.... the more a guy runs in the opposite direction... bbwsub "i have nothing against God...it's his FANCLUB i can't stand"

MHOO314 -> RE: Coping with my Master's depression (6/16/2007 9:38:46 PM)
Well here is My $.02---having just come through a bout of depression due to grief---I didn't want anyone to share My pain--however, I also did not have an interest in the computer, work, much if anything---so I find the fact that He is still able to log in here---odd.. however, when one is truly fighting depression, they do wall themselves off from people----and pressure from those around does not help--perhaps a tad of space is what's needed--however, I still have an issue with the fact that He is still logging in here---especially knowing you are in here too---- *stay strong, remember, care for yourself. I hope whatever is right is what works out.*

MagiksSlave -> RE: Coping with my Master's depression (6/16/2007 9:51:35 PM)
I just think its odd he wont talk to you but is logged on here to CM think about it... It kinda fits in with what BBWsub is saying... with her theary he has dumped you which makes sence that he is now here looking for someone new, Why els would he be here when he wont even talk to his own sub, does he use the forums?? if he doesnt use the forums that means he is checking the other side for new people weather that is new friends or a new sub, but does it really matter, why can he be there trying to get someone new when he doesnt want to interact with anyone even his own sub??? Master suffers from some depression every now and then and yes sometimes he will dissapear for a few days but that is from everywhere, he wont come here he wont be on yahoo he wont talk to any of his friends but it only lasts a few days and we have worked out a systom where now he will e-mail me when he is feeling like this so I dont worry when I dont hear from him for a day or two (we spend a few days a week together but talk every night) The first time he did that I was incredably worried so we worked that out. Magik's slave

tricia -> RE: Coping with my Master's depression (6/17/2007 12:08:35 PM)
I think to assume someone is using depression as an excuse to 'dump you' is a bit premature. Even the strongest people sometimes have a bout of depression or feel overwhelmed. Most of the time it passes. Some of us eat. Some cry. Some sleep. Some log on to collarme. Personally, i'm much more opinionated when i'm feeling down. The best advice i could give is 'don't make it all about you." It probably doesn't have a thing to do with your relationship. Give him some space. If the good times start to outweigh the bad, take a step back and reevaluate it. Yes, you are entitled to have your needs met...as your Dom is entitled to have his met, as well. And right now, he obviously needs time.

velvetears -> RE: Coping with my Master's depression (6/17/2007 12:28:04 PM)
Depression does not give a person license to be thoughtless and rude. He took on a submissive to be a Master to and he's not being responsible. He could at least check in if just to say - the depression still has a grip on me but i will call you in a few days. If depression creates this much of a neglectful manner in him towards you think about the long haul with him and unless he gets agressively treated (assuming it really is depression and not what bbw said and he's dumping you) you should expect this on and off for years to come. Depression, left untreated, will spontaneously go away but it will usually come back and in some people the depressive cycles will get longer and longer. i personally don't think any man who is so disabled by depression as he seems to be has any right taking on a submissive - that to me is selfish. Unless of course he comes to terms with it and get's the help he needs.

SimplyMichael -> RE: Coping with my Master's depression (6/17/2007 1:13:14 PM)
Fuck the whole "he must be responsible" bullshit, perhaps the guy doesn't have my genetic background of being bred over centuries to be naturally dominant and didn't have the luck to begin his training in the womb as I did, nor belong to the oldest S&M house in Europe. Perhaps he is just an average human being with the issues average humans have, like oh say DEPRESSION. Rather than make it all about YOUR needs, perhaps step up to the plate as a fellow human being and a supposed submissive and do some of that submissive shit. Oh like put his needs first and simply tell him how wonderful he is, how special he is, how magical he makes you feel and that you just might be submissive enough to wait oh, a couple of weeks without whining about your own fucking needs. They guy may well be an asshole, maybe is dumping her, or perhaps he is surfing CM because nobody on the screen is whining to him about how many things her submission needs. For some I swear "submission" is about like "free checking" it sounds cool till you read the fine print and then you realize how fucking expensive it is.

RCdc -> RE: Coping with my Master's depression (6/17/2007 1:32:25 PM)
This man is your Master, yes? Ok - my advice is to give him the space he needs. Tell him you love him and understand he needs the space - and that you will serve him as his request. Let him know you are going to remain there waiting for him. It will be hard for you but if you care for him and have submitted, then submit to his desire for space. Submission is about the hard shit and the things you don;t want to do, as well as needing someone and being looked after. I disagree with the person who says that the more you write, the more men run away. It completely depends on what you write - right now, life isn;t all about you, it is about him and the shit he is going through. You may need him - but does he really need to keep being reminded? Write to him still - not whining mails or needy ones, but supportive and free. Discuss what you have been doing, discuss anything. Let him know you are still his submissive and remaining loyal and awaiting him. Some people - yes that means even dominants - can be self destructive - don't support that, and ask if he is receiving any assistance and if he isn;t, make a request that he does. He will then choose whether to or not. Don;t push, but right now, be his friend. And give him space. Best thoughts. the.dark.

heartfeltsub -> RE: Coping with my Master's depression (6/17/2007 1:36:19 PM)
Although i wouldn't have phrased the comments the same way that Simple Michael, he has an incredibly valid point, speaking as a submissive and someone who has had to deal with someone who has gone through bouts of depression. There are times in any relationship, when each for the sake of the others puts his or her needs on hold to help the other person out. And as SM pointed out, putting the needs of our Dominants or Masters ahead of our own is supposed to be part and parcel of the D/s or M/s relationship. Cut the guy some slack, if he is depressed (not knowing the situation, i do not know for sure) the very LAST thing he needs is someone adding more pressure. And putting that pressure on him now, could very possibly force the dissolution of the relationship, if only to relieve himself of pressure he doesn't need at the moment. If he isn't depressed and is looking for an out, that will become apparent with time and to jump to that conclusion now is simply borrowing trouble. heartfelt

meticulousgirl -> RE: Coping with my Master's depression (6/17/2007 2:18:57 PM)
I would honestly say give the guy some time. Now this is just a thought, collarme sends you messages when you've recieved an email via the site. Maybe he's getting those messages and checking them, maybe he's replying back to those girls saying I'm taking a break, or whatever he's saying. Just because he's logging onto collarme doesn't mean he's getting ready to practice the lifestyle with someone else. Maybe he's on researching Himself as a Dom, or researching certain topics that he wants to pursue that are listed in the forums. He might be depressed but that doesn't mean by any means that he wants you to leave or wants to find a replacement for you as some and even yourself have suggested. As a submissive, or slave (not sure what you are) but it doesn't really matter your JOB is to ensure his happiness, your JOB is to submit to his wishes and if his current wish is for you to just stand back and wait a little while so be it. I use to have difficulty understanding the same thing, a part of me still does, while I have a genuine need to serve in person it cant always happen do to life in general. What do I do to ensure that I dont go off looking for someone else even though at times I wish I had the balls because I just feel so unusefull, or feel inadequate, or feel like I may have been replaced by someone else (which is not the case at all). What I do is come on here, and research the forums, self reflect and grow in the meantime. It helps trust me the only problem is, is that the more you self reflect the more you will probably want to discuss with your owner but the upside is that in doing that you may find an out for his depression as well. I wish you the best.

meticulousgirl -> RE: Coping with my Master's depression (6/17/2007 2:24:31 PM)
Michael if she doesn't feel like she just got whipped she should lol. No in all seriousness though you were right about alot of what you said....

slaveluci -> RE: Coping with my Master's depression (6/17/2007 2:33:01 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: SimplyMichael Rather than make it all about YOUR needs, perhaps step up to the plate as a fellow human being and a supposed submissive and do some of that submissive shit. Oh like put his needs first and simply tell him how wonderful he is, how special he is, how magical he makes you feel and that you just might be submissive enough to wait oh, a couple of weeks without whining about your own fucking needs. They guy may well be an asshole, maybe is dumping her, or perhaps he is surfing CM because nobody on the screen is whining to him about how many things her submission needs. For some I swear "submission" is about like "free checking" it sounds cool till you read the fine print and then you realize how fucking expensive it is. [image]http://www.collarchat.com/upfiles/smiley/applause.gif[/image]....sings the "Hallelujah" chorus.....hilariously astute observation, Michael. Sad but true..........slave luci

shyinini -> RE: Coping with my Master's depression (6/17/2007 2:40:20 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: SimplyMichael Fuck the whole "he must be responsible" bullshit, perhaps the guy doesn't have my genetic background of being bred over centuries to be naturally dominant and didn't have the luck to begin his training in the womb as I did, nor belong to the oldest S&M house in Europe. Perhaps he is just an average human being with the issues average humans have, like oh say DEPRESSION. Rather than make it all about YOUR needs, perhaps step up to the plate as a fellow human being and a supposed submissive and do some of that submissive shit. Oh like put his needs first and simply tell him how wonderful he is, how special he is, how magical he makes you feel and that you just might be submissive enough to wait oh, a couple of weeks without whining about your own fucking needs. They guy may well be an asshole, maybe is dumping her, or perhaps he is surfing CM because nobody on the screen is whining to him about how many things her submission needs. For some I swear "submission" is about like "free checking" it sounds cool till you read the fine print and then you realize how fucking expensive it is. I agree with both sides here and the only opinion I have is.... if i were depressed (like i can get), I wouldnt want Sir whining about hisself..... I like the way Michael said it. Vice versa..... he was laid off, down sized from a job and disappeared for several days. Totally NOT like him. Did I whine and grovel about how this made ME feel? hell no. When he apologized and told me what happened.... there was no shame on my part that i badgered him, i didnt. The reason I have this POV is: I can get into really bad funky and desperate depressive moods and shut off to the world,completely shut myself up....but for some reason my puter is my friend cause it wont tell me how horrible I am for being in my funk; it wont belittle or begrudge or judge me for being depressed and it certainly wont tell me how stupid I am and tell me "jus get over it" or "everyone has those problems" or whatever callused things people say cause they dont fucking understand or have a clue. My blanket, my dogs, my puter and the TV are the ONLY things I let into my pained and depressed world. The doors are shut, the drapes closed, the mail once piled up outside for 3weeks .... but I was on Alt,CM, Oprah, my blogger, take home chef, LMN....etc etc....if even to just for an hour forget my own darkness. http://www.collarchat.com/m_1085271/tm.htm Threads like these made me realize I was not the only one in the world having issues with the Dom (the issues I had with the former put me into deep darkness at times), my job and life in general. Thank God I quit my job....finally !! I have not been that way since I met Sir, but then again he makes sure I see my therapist every week. And if I dont take care of myself, to prevent this, he is right there, encouraging me NOT belittling my feelings. Not telling me its not fair to him. If Sir ever went through a bout again and I saw him on a site like this.... I would know he wasnt alienating me....just needing a break into someone elses world for a space of time. But I also know, now he would call me, before we had just started seeing each other. Depression is a funny thing and only those who suffer through the darkest blackness of it really understand what someone else is going through. Just my prospective. Sir's treasured property, even if I do deal with depression

velvetears -> RE: Coping with my Master's depression (6/17/2007 2:41:43 PM)
Sorry i don't think putting up with being cut off and ignored for no other reason then "i'm depressed" isn't being submissive. If you want to give him space to work it out there's nothing wrong with that, but if this is what he does when he needs "to works things out" he's more then likely going to do it again and again and if she feels it's hard to deal with she need to think hard about being able to cope in the future with his depression/moods/behavior whatever you want to call it.

CrazyC -> RE: Coping with my Master's depression (6/17/2007 3:24:03 PM)
OP, why don't you give him some time and let him figure out what is going on? If it because to long of a period, then talk to him about it. Be supportive and understanding that he is going through some stuff, but that for a mutual relationship there needs to be some "we" time. If it continues, then it might be time to let him know that though you care greatly for him but that the relationship can not go on like this. Sometimes just sitting there waiting for him to figure things out enables him to actually not fix it, because they can't see how it is effecting them or those around them. I completely understand how frustrating it feels, since I have just done the exact same thing. I left letting him know that i care about him and that if he ever figures what he wants and gets out of the funk that i would be there for him, but until then i need to go on with my life and live it. You need to do that too. But you need to give him a little bit of time first.

meticulousgirl -> RE: Coping with my Master's depression (6/17/2007 3:49:47 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: velvetears Sorry i don't think putting up with being cut off and ignored for no other reason then "i'm depressed" isn't being submissive. If you want to give him space to work it out there's nothing wrong with that, but if this is what he does when he needs "to works things out" he's more then likely going to do it again and again and if she feels it's hard to deal with she need to think hard about being able to cope in the future with his depression/moods/behavior whatever you want to call it. Having issues doesn't make anyone a bad person, it just means we as humans want to be left alone for a little while, we need space to think clearly etc.... The two people in question are not 24/7 they are more play partners than anything else from what I can gather from the post. According to the OP He never said that she did anything wrong so therefor she should not be questioning Him or His motives. For you to say that He Has to Dom her right now even though He's really not up for it, is just outright wrong. What if He was sick puking his gutts out and she wanted Him to take control, use her sexually, spank her whatever. Would she still be "right" then? Vanilla aspects apply to this lifestyle too and out of common courtesy if someone asks you to just step away and let Him or Her handle their own issues without interfering even though it's hard that's what you do. Only in this case, He is the Dom and she is the sub. She is suppose to be taking HIS direction. For her not to do that is wrong, if i did that it doesn't matter at what stage of the "relationship" it wouldn't be a "fun" punnishment. In reply to the OP I know that you are new and this is probably your first D's relationship however, I feel like you are making way to much out of this and again if you just give Him some time it should pass. I know it's hard and you feel pressured right now, you feel like you want it all and you cant have it but honestly what if this was you, what if your Dom was pressuring you for answers, for play, for anything at all. How would you feel? There are times even though I am 24/7 that I go months without a scene, or when I go months without feeling "used" in the physical sense, does that mean that the person that I serve is a bad Dom, of course not. It just means that life gets in the way sometimes, either on my end or His. Please dont misinterprate fantasy for reality like many people do especially in the beginning. If you misinterprate for to long, it is going to end up destroying your relationship with your Dominant. Please dont make as much out of this as you are because it will only damage your relationship. How would he feel if He saw your Post? Would He be angry? Would He "deam you" as "not worthy" I know that in a sense if it were me the person that i serve would no longer trust me and i would probably be released. Remember everything you post should be in reflection of what your Owner has Trained you on and from what I see that's not happening. Your letting the negativity and worst case scenerio's get to you far to much. This post is not intended to sound disrespectful towards anyone for any reason. However I learned the hard way not to do what the OP is doing, it's not only hard on her, but if she thinks the relationship with her Dom is bad now she is only causing more damage. She of course has the entitlement to her own opinions but I dont think we should be on here pursuading her to "dump" her Dom because He's a little down right now. To me that's just wrong, and something I can not and will not take part in.

BossyShoeBitch -> RE: Coping with my Master's depression (6/17/2007 5:02:55 PM)
Do you know if he is "depressed" like sad or unhappy or if he has a diagnosis of clinical depression?

velvetears -> RE: Coping with my Master's depression (6/17/2007 7:50:02 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: meticulousgirl The two people in question are not 24/7 they are more play partners than anything else from what I can gather from the post. According to the OP He never said that she did anything wrong so therefor she should not be questioning Him or His motives. For you to say that He Has to Dom her right now even though He's really not up for it, is just outright wrong. What if He was sick puking his gutts out and she wanted Him to take control, use her sexually, spank her whatever. Would she still be "right" then? Vanilla aspects apply to this lifestyle too and out of common courtesy if someone asks you to just step away and let Him or Her handle their own issues without interfering even though it's hard that's what you do. Only in this case, He is the Dom and she is the sub. She is suppose to be taking HIS direction. For her not to do that is wrong, if i did that it doesn't matter at what stage of the "relationship" it wouldn't be a "fun" punnishment. In reply to the OP I know that you are new and this is probably your first D's relationship however, I feel like you are making way to much out of this and again if you just give Him some time it should pass. I know it's hard and you feel pressured right now, you feel like you want it all and you cant have it but honestly what if this was you, what if your Dom was pressuring you for answers, for play, for anything at all. How would you feel? There are times even though I am 24/7 that I go months without a scene, or when I go months without feeling "used" in the physical sense, does that mean that the person that I serve is a bad Dom, of course not. It just means that life gets in the way sometimes, either on my end or His. Please dont misinterprate fantasy for reality like many people do especially in the beginning. If you misinterprate for to long, it is going to end up destroying your relationship with your Dominant. Please dont make as much out of this as you are because it will only damage your relationship. How would he feel if He saw your Post? Would He be angry? Would He "deam you" as "not worthy" I know that in a sense if it were me the person that i serve would no longer trust me and i would probably be released. Remember everything you post should be in reflection of what your Owner has Trained you on and from what I see that's not happening. Your letting the negativity and worst case scenerio's get to you far to much. This post is not intended to sound disrespectful towards anyone for any reason. However I learned the hard way not to do what the OP is doing, it's not only hard on her, but if she thinks the relationship with her Dom is bad now she is only causing more damage. She of course has the entitlement to her own opinions but I dont think we should be on here pursuading her to "dump" her Dom because He's a little down right now. To me that's just wrong, and something I can not and will not take part in. i never said his issues made him a bad person and i never said "he had to dom her right now" i was advocating communication at the very least so she's not left wondering and worrying about him. Just because someone has issues or is depressed doesn't mean they can't speak to you for at least a few moments every so often to reassure you - that hardly qualifies as domming her, but it sure would help her feel a bit more secure and valued, i would suspect. i don't know what their relationship is play partner, 24/7 (you don't have to live together to be 24/7) etc, and neither do you, she did not give enough information. Whether she should or shouldn't question his motives isn't your choice or mine to make- she did and she came here and posted about it - we are all giving her what we feel is our perceptions and advice. i never suggested she dump him, i just pointed out that if he is treating her like this now - this early in the relationship and it's that much of an issue for her she should realize things might never change, people generally stick to patterns and if it is that troubling to her now, how will she deal with it in the future, nothing wrong with taking what you know about someone early on to make prudent decisions about your future with them - in fact i think that's a very wise thing to do and can save you a lot of heartache in the future. i don't personally think the op is coming off as very pushy, i read her more as insecure as to where she stands - big difference.

angelslave77 -> RE: Coping with my Master's depression (6/17/2007 8:05:41 PM)
In response to the op, my Master suffers from depression and after the first few times where he shut me out, we talked, I have told him that I understand his need for space and time (although he also knows I will keep leaving him messages just to make sure he is ok and so he knows I am thinking of him) but he has agreed also not to completely shut down communication with me, even if it is just as message to say he is still not himself. During these times though, sometimes he does come online, although he doesnt really say to much in chat and so on, more just lurks. I would say ride this out and once he is feeling better, talk to him. It is no good trying to talk to him while he is depressed that may just do more harm than good and leave you feeling worse. But once he is back to his old self, tell him how you are feeling if he cares for you as much as you do for him, you should be able to work something out. Watching someone you love suffer with depression is very hard I hope you get through this ok. Just wanted to edit to add, that I completly understand the op's insecurities , when you are new at this (as I still am too) it can be hard to know where you stand and what you are suposed to do, how you are meant to react and how it all works and it is so easy to assume the worst even though common sense will usually tell you that it is an overreaction

elisubeth2007 -> RE: Coping with my Master's depression (6/18/2007 9:18:51 AM)
Thank Y/you A/all for Y/your opinions, advice and critique. As a submissive and a person who has fought the demon of depression since my teenage years, i instinctively want to reach out and it frustrates me that i cannot help Master. i also know that isolation can be very dangerous when one is depressed and i am very worried about Him. It is not my habit to disobey Him, but it seemed to me initially that this situation was outside the boundaries of D/s and it was my duty as a human being to try and help Him. Accepting that there is nothing i can do in this situation but sit still, be patient (not one of my strong points) and wait for Him to recover and contact me, is difficult, but it is what i must do. i hope He comes back to me. Being cut off from my Master, i turned to this forum for guidance and i value both the sympathetic approach and the very blunt approach that Michael takes, because sometimes i need people like Michael who are not afraid to say what needs to be said. i appreciate all of you for helping me understand what i must do.

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