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RiotGirl -> RE: Long Distance Relationships ????? (6/18/2005 1:12:22 AM)
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my 2 cents. ITS HARD. Master only lives (lived) 65 miles from me. so close but darn it, out of reach. Its been really frustrating and difficult and alot of being miserable on my part when he wasnt around. The closer you get the harder the distance is. Lordy.......... just the smell of Master on my pillows at night made things abit easier. You start to ache for the feel/smell of them. Anything just to have their presence. Heck just to be in the same room! Same city. Same state. Just to know that they are near by. Just to have them apart of "this" life. As its always seemed like two seperate lives to me. The life in my city and life in His. i would come home and be SURROUNDED by things that had no association with him, nothing to do with him, and he had not touched with his presence. i used to "drop". Being over in HIS city, everything for me was associated with him. Even the dang coffee house we went to once. It was all apart of Him. It was very very difficult for me because i'd go from everything around me (in my mind) associated with him, to nothing being associated with him. i always felt like i was losing him when it was time to seperate. Though he would always remind me, i wasnt losing him, it still felt like it. i felt like i was losing apart of me. Dunno why, just did. And it would hit me so hard at the end of any seperationg with him. i'd cry buckets of tears before i had to leave trying to bury myself into him, i would plead and beg, think of any and every way to stop it from happening. And i would cry half the way home. Then i went through what i started calling the tranistion period. (GOD I HATED IT) Where i was remembering to live with out him apart of my life. It was like a gradual switch that started in my head. And though the tears would dry up and i could think of something other then him for a moment (thankfully cos it only brought tears) i'd still drop. And it would last for a few days, but i'd still be "hurting" and sad and RIGHT about the time i was over it, i would be able to see Master again. It got to where i counted days and time to when i'd see him again. And its not like i was suddenly "with out" him when i'd go home again. He'd talk to me on the phone, the computer, emails, atleast once a day if not more when i was so miserable. Sometimes we'd manage to stay in contact all day long, via all those means. But it wasnt the same. When i saw something funny, i couldnt look at him and see if he thought it was funny, or the merriment in his eyes. i couldnt look across the room and instantly "know" what he was thinking. For anything that went on, i couldnt "share" it with him. My thoughts, his thoughts, anything. Lord, i couldnt just walk up and hug him. He was miles from me and with work and schedules it wasnt all that easy. When ever i'm around him, i look to him for his reactions, his thoughts, how he feels, i look to him for everything. Almost, it was like everything centered on him and when we werent together i had to "re center" my world. AND it totally sucked. And it brought about tons of negative feelings. Hurt, anger, resentment, questioning, and even to the point where i started pushing him away. Trying to break free of that "ache", thinking if could just push hiim away emotionally, i wouldnt be so miersable. Which of course only makes you more miserable. Plus tons of other things, that you just dont expect. Even though you know LOGICALLY why you cant be seeing this person right now, doesnt help straighten out that ache in your heart.
And its not like i havent had long distance relationships before. i've had two and neither of them affected me like this. i dont know if its the whole D/s thing that make it so much more difficult or not. But its been one of the hardest things to deal with. All abit crazy to me, as i knew it would be like this, i readily agreed and i had no problem with it. i didnt/couldnt possibly foresee how it was going to affect me emotionally. Though i must say its ALL been worth it as after 10 months, on Monday (YIPPEE) Master and i will be living together. So even though its really hard and may want to drive you nutsy at times it can be well worth it at the end. It just takes alot of stick it to ness and perserverance, because if ya havent already got it, it can be very tough at times.
but this is just MY personal experience and everyones is different, heck even every personal experience is different. Like i said, i've had two other LDR that were nothing like this. though they had their moments, not nearly like this. Whether it be because they were vanilla or if its just the people involved. i dunno.
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