Collarspace Discussion Forums


Home  Login  Search 

First steps and cold feet?


View related threads: (in this forum | in all forums)

Logged in as: Guest
 
All Forums >> [Community Discussions] >> Ask a Submissive >> First steps and cold feet? Page: [1]
Login
Message << Older Topic   Newer Topic >>
First steps and cold feet? - 6/17/2007 11:21:41 PM   
jthaddeus


Posts: 30
Joined: 6/11/2007
Status: offline 		Hello :)

I've only reciently hopped on these boards and have had the great privilege to meet a few very intelegent and apparently carring people of various genders, orientations etc. So far my experience has been amazingly educational and pleasant. It's really amazing how much I'm learning about both  myself and about the human dynamic SO FAST.

There are some people whom I would actually like to talk to in person, but I must admit at times my fear and fantasies get the better of me. I guess in part what I'm hoping for is for someone to say "If you've talked to someone, they seem sane, and worth talking to, then go talk to them" but also, I'd like to hear what peoples introductions to this type of thing were like.

Also, when you were first investigating this, did you ever get scared and almost want to run away, or am I just being chicken?
.
Thoughts? Suggestions?

Thanks.  :)

-j.
Profile   Post #: 1
RE: First steps and cold feet? - 6/18/2007 12:18:13 AM   
luv4ever104


Posts: 2
Joined: 6/10/2007
Status: offline 		I'll be watching this thread pretty closely since I think I'm at a similar place right now, right down to wanting to turn tail and run at times.

I don't really have any good advice or stories so, I guess what I'm really saying is good luck to the both of us



(in reply to jthaddeus)
Profile   Post #: 2
RE: First steps and cold feet? - 6/18/2007 4:27:37 AM   
LadyHeart


Posts: 561
Joined: 5/7/2007
Status: offline 		When I first started looking into BDSM (as a submissive, back then)  I hung around the chat groups and message boards for a while trying to get the hang of it all, but in hindsight, I am very relieved that my first introduction to people in real time was at a munch. It took me a while to figure out that some of those who "talked the talk" certainly didn't walk it, and that the words alone can be very deceptive. Observing people in action at munches and play parties gave me the extra dimension I needed to make good judgements. It is healthy to be a little scared. BDSM is about experience, and you don't want your first experience to be a bad one.
:))
LH

_____________________________

"BDSM is not an excuse for bad manners."

(in reply to jthaddeus)
Profile   Post #: 3
RE: First steps and cold feet? - 6/18/2007 4:39:49 AM   
angelslave77


Posts: 478
Joined: 5/14/2007
Status: offline 		I am fairly new to this too and there is no scene to speak of in my area. I met Master in chat and for a while our discussions were really very nilla, about moves, music likes dislikes ect. We realised that we felt a connection so he came to see me (we live 4 hours away from each other) and I was fortunate it was like meeting an old friend and things have flowed from there.

But  it has been a while between visits now (I get to see him this Saturday and I am going to a play party) but I have found that the more I read and learn the more of an illusion it all seems because I am so far seperated from it all so I cant wait to get into the middle of it eg being with Master again and going to the party, and making fantasy reality once more.

So I would say online can be wonderful if your lucky enough to bump into someone wonderful (although you gotta weed out a lot of trolls) but I would say if there is r/t things like munches in your area check them out too

< Message edited by angelslave77 -- 6/18/2007 4:41:54 AM >

(in reply to LadyHeart)
Profile   Post #: 4
RE: First steps and cold feet? - 6/18/2007 4:41:52 AM   
mstrjx


Posts: 2045
Joined: 11/27/2005
Status: offline 		When I first started, before paved roads became the 'in-thing', there was no Internet to deal with.  But there were the precursors, the personal ads in newspapers and Lavalife (now a web site) in my area utilized personal ads in that newfangled invention, the telephone.

Thoughts of long-distance relationships were non-existent.  You wanted to reach out and touch someone local.  You did the same things you do now.  You make contact, through the written word or by leaving a voice message, and you hope for a response.  If the response seems intelligent enough, or doesn't seem like it would be a waste of time, you take the risk.

It might have been different for me being male; I didn't feel I had security issues to consider.  But apparently the women I was in contact with was willing to make things happen as well.

The Internet has complicated things, because now the choices go from a few to a potentially vast number, as females around here will attest.  But the bottom line is that at some point in time if the person seems worthy (by whatever measuring stick you determine), you need to give it a try.

Jeff

_____________________________

Know thyself. It's the best gift you can ever give yourself.

(in reply to jthaddeus)
Profile   Post #: 5
RE: First steps and cold feet? - 6/18/2007 5:31:18 AM   
sabis


Posts: 136
Joined: 6/29/2005
From: Midwest, USA
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: jthaddeus] I guess in part what I'm hoping for is for someone to say "If you've talked to someone, they seem sane, and worth talking to, then go talk to them" but also, I'd like to hear what peoples introductions to this type of thing were like. Also, when you were first investigating this, did you ever get scared and almost want to run away, or am I just being chicken?


Hi, jt:
 
*smile* Yes, this can be very scary.  I've been in the lifestyle for just over 7 years, now, and still feel like I've only dipped my toe in to test those waters, metaphorically speaking. It can still be scary when I'm introduced to a whole, new, vast array of possibilities. Fortunately, I'm with a dominant who has explored every inch of that ocean, and with him as my guide, it makes the fear easier to choke down. I've lived with a lot of fear in my life, and it tends to be my first, unthinking reaction to new situations. I'm working on that, but it's hard to overcome, sometimes. (But yes, count me among the chickens. Its what you do with the fear that most counts. Not that you feel the fear - but how you choose to react.)
 
As for meeting people... ai ai ai. The internet has created the ability to reach across the world to meet new people and be exposed to new points of view and thought processes. In that, it's a beautiful thing. But that "powerful and knowledgeable Domina" you read the words of in your inbox may simply be a cranky bitch who thinks that aggression and poor manners makes her Dominant. The internet creates a lot more capability for opportunity -- both good and bad.

I'd say it's always smart to go into all and any situations with your eyes wide open, fully aware that there's a whole lot of players in the game who are doing just that - playing a game. 
 
Best of luck to you in your search and your exploration.
 
In His service,
 
~sabis
Owned by Cumulus

(in reply to jthaddeus)
Profile   Post #: 6
RE: First steps and cold feet? - 6/18/2007 5:55:57 AM   
sleazybutterfly


Posts: 2801
Joined: 5/15/2006
Status: offline 		Of course I got a bit scared.  It was somewhat overwhelming all of the responses and to add to it, I was very new to bdsm in the first place and the demands of the doms I was talking to were pretty nuts.  If it ever gets too much, turn your profile off, regroup, and then come back.  It's also great to get to know others on here, they can be great sounding boards, or just an ear to listen if you need it.

It's okay to meet someone if you are interested, but always take precautions.  I have found it's better sometimes to move it to reality rather than on here, it gives you a chance to see the real person and not just keep building up the idea of them you have in your head.  I think for some the online world of it can become so much that they never get into the real one, it becomes more scary and they stay behind the security of the phone or internet. 

Being scared, or having cold feet at times is normal.  Just keep a sane head about you, avoid the frenzy, and enjoy the ride.

_____________________________

~Flutterby
~Curvylicious
Just when the caterpillar thought the world was over, she became a butterfly.
Life is not a popularity contest, it's better to be hated for what you believe, than loved for a lie.

(in reply to sabis)
Profile   Post #: 7
RE: First steps and cold feet? - 6/18/2007 6:46:36 AM   
slaveish


Posts: 1086
Joined: 2/19/2007
Status: offline 		Nervous is normal, yes yes yes. Nervous is also normal when you have established good contact with someone. My only additional wisdom here is that people are just people, whether "lifestylers" or vanilla. There is nothing magic about WIITWD. Relax. Enjoy. Be safe.

P.S. Congratulations, sleazybutterfly. ~smiling~

_____________________________

You only lose what you cling to. ~~Gautama Sidharta

If we have no peace, it is because we have forgotten that we belong to each other. ~~Mother Teresa

(in reply to sleazybutterfly)
Profile   Post #: 8
RE: First steps and cold feet? - 6/18/2007 7:18:17 AM   
Mercnbeth


Posts: 11766
Status: offline
quote:

I guess in part what I'm hoping for is for someone to say "If you've talked to someone, they seem sane, and worth talking to, then go talk to them" but also, I'd like to hear what peoples introductions to this type of thing were like.
Also, when you were first investigating this, did you ever get scared and almost want to run away, or am I just being chicken? Thoughts? Suggestions?


jt,
It's easy for anyone who is active to tell you don't worry, go out and attend public club functions and meet people you've talked to. They are seeing it through experienced eyes. It is difficult to put themselves in your position.

Your profile says you live in LA. Nobody living here can ever say there aren't places to go to meet people representing the entire compendium represented by the collective term "lifestyle". ANY lifestyle you can imagine has active participants and some place to meet them in LA. The problem is getting up the courage to step away from the computer and walking into one of these clubs, bars, or munch settings. It will happen if/when your desire exceeds your fear; when your on-line experience and relationship leaves you frustrated, wanting more. It has to come from within.

In one respect the "community" doesn't help. The 'uniform' of black leather can be intimidating, but most intimidating are the clubs themselves. Before posting this we went down the list of clubs we've been to in LA. None of their entrances resemble the gates of Disney. beth says there is not one she would have walked into alone. We don't think any have a sign, and most are neighborhoods that would make a first time attendee apprehensive to park and walk in. You go in when when the need to go in exceeds the apprehension.

The same is true in the most non-threatening environment, a munch. However there is no guarantee the first experience will live up to your expectation or be a 'good' time. The representation of munch experiences related on this site are accurate in all cases. Some are open and friendly, some are clique-ish, and some, when you walk in as a first timer - you are treated as "fresh meat". However any of those bad experiences have positive consequences. Going to your first munch gets the experience behind you, going to your next is no big deal. The same thing happens going to your first demonstration, open club event, or large lifestyle gathering such as the Folsom Street Fair.

I don't know anyone who walked in to anything for the first time and wasn't nervous. The people you will meet are no different than the people you walk by everyday. Some are exactly the same people. I think that's part of people's apprehension. Unlike the internet, when you can say you stumbled across these activities as a result of searching "Bond" as is James Bond, and all these strange bondage sites came up; walking into a club or event makes your desire public. Not to the people around you, the others attending, or those seeing you walk in who couldn't care less, but to yourself. It's a difficult thing to admit to being attracted to an activity or lifestyle that most of society believes and labels as perverted. That's the biggest fear to overcome; the fear of being true to yourself, or at least finding out if there is a reality out there that can meet or exceed your un-fulfilled fantasy. You'll only find out for sure if you try. In LA, there are plenty of places to do so.

Good Luck!

(in reply to jthaddeus)
Profile   Post #: 9
RE: First steps and cold feet? - 6/18/2007 7:19:39 AM   
littleone35


Posts: 2828
Joined: 2/17/2005
Status: offline 		It is normal to be a bit scared when starting out in the lifestyle.  I was lucky enought to have a wonderful mentor and his slave who guided me at first.  I met my Master on CM not saying it is the only way to go.  If you have events in your area i would urge you to go you can meet like minded local people.  Good luck.

Matt's littleone

(in reply to slaveish)
Profile   Post #: 10
RE: First steps and cold feet? - 6/18/2007 7:26:39 AM   
JerryInTampa


Posts: 138
Joined: 2/19/2004
Status: offline 		It can be hard, especiall at the beginning, and especiall for a submissive... but the real truth is: If you never get out there, you'll never get where you want to be.

Take the time to make sure the person seems sane. Make sure you have stock of yourself. Particularly for a submissive, set rules you know you can stick to (it's easy for an inexperienced sub to get pressured into things they don't really want to do).

So set a lunch date that will go no farther than that and go meet. Sit back in the quite of the alone after and decide how to procede. Sometimes there's just no way to get into the pool without feeling the cold water. I'm not saying it's easy for you, but it's something we all must do.

(in reply to littleone35)
Profile   Post #: 11
RE: First steps and cold feet? - 6/18/2007 8:39:18 AM   
MasterFireMaam


Posts: 5587
Joined: 3/1/2006
From: Charleston, WV
Status: offline 		Being scared is VERY common. I can't tell you how scared I was to walk into my first MAsT meeting. It was being held in a bar, which is another challenge in and of itself for me. But, I did it. In fact, I'm now the Chapter Director!

If you want to talk to someone on the phone, just simply ask if you can call...and perhaps state why you'd like to take to them. Friendships are just a welcome to some of us as dynamic-based relationship.

If you want to take it a little more slowly, ask if they have IM and talk on there for a while.

Master Fire


_____________________________

The power of who we are can be intoxicating. The power of who we could be is humbling.
-----
Ms Relationship Books
-----
BDSM How-To Books

(in reply to jthaddeus)
Profile   Post #: 12
RE: First steps and cold feet? - 6/18/2007 9:09:05 AM   
akisha


Posts: 2071
Joined: 6/25/2005
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: jthaddeus

Hello :)

I've only reciently hopped on these boards and have had the great privilege to meet a few very intelegent and apparently carring people of various genders, orientations etc. So far my experience has been amazingly educational and pleasant. It's really amazing how much I'm learning about both  myself and about the human dynamic SO FAST.

There are some people whom I would actually like to talk to in person, but I must admit at times my fear and fantasies get the better of me. I guess in part what I'm hoping for is for someone to say "If you've talked to someone, they seem sane, and worth talking to, then go talk to them" but also, I'd like to hear what peoples introductions to this type of thing were like.

Also, when you were first investigating this, did you ever get scared and almost want to run away, or am I just being chicken?
.
Thoughts? Suggestions?

Thanks.  :)

-j.



First off, meeting people face to face the first time is always scary. Even after doing it for 10 years it's still nerve racking. You always think what will they think of me? what will I think of them? Are they going to be normal or complete freaks?

It does get a little easier but I've found that I'm always nervous when it comes to the actual fist meeting.

Things to remember is to always mett in a safe zone. Public place, friends know where you are, have your cell phone with you.

Do not let anyone talk you into meeting at your house (lesson learned the hard way!) or a hotel room or anywhere else secluded. Set up times to call friends or whatever. My gf met a guy for a 2 hour lunch and I still called her about 20 minutes in just to be sure everything was ok.

Secondly, regarding getting scared and running away...

I didn't get scared, I was more of the mind that being submissive was wrong and therefore something was wrong with me that I wanted to do it so I fought against it. I walked away from the "lifestyle" probably 3 times in total. Varying from reasons that
1. I had no idea how to go about meeting others,
2. Feelings that it was wrong to be happy wanting to be dominated by men,
3. Totally fed up with trying to find viable partner.

At times looking for a partner that meets my criteria and one that I meet his can still become overwhelming and fustrating. But I've learned to accept that you can't find the perfect person immediately all the time and I refuse to settle for less then I want. I'll compromise yes, but I won't accept the first guy that wants to beat me with something lol. What's sad is sometimes you do meet that close to perfect match and because of timing or some other reason beyond your control it still doesn't work out. I think that is the most fustrating aspect.

Relax, take your time, meet lots of people, talk to even more. Most importantly have fun. Don't get all fanatical about having to be the perfect sub or having to have a Master/Dom/Daddy, whatever with in the first 3 weeks.

< Message edited by akisha -- 6/18/2007 9:12:12 AM >

_____________________________

I'm confused.... No wait!!! Maybe I'm not

It's not a blonde moment! It's momentary peroxide posioning. ;)

Your pain makes me smile ~ Happy Bunny

532-095-649

(in reply to jthaddeus)
Profile   Post #: 13
RE: First steps and cold feet? - 6/18/2007 9:28:59 AM   
imthatacheyouhav


Posts: 1259
Joined: 4/16/2007
Status: offline 		what does this (WIITWD) stand for?



_____________________________

*if you don't stand for something, you'll fall for anything*
**collared July 22 2007 by LordKen**

(in reply to akisha)
Profile   Post #: 14
RE: First steps and cold feet? - 6/18/2007 9:33:44 AM   
slavegirljoy


Posts: 1207
Joined: 11/6/2006
From: North Carolina, USA
Status: offline 		WIITWD  =  What It Is That We Do

slave joy
Owned property of Master David

quote:

ORIGINAL: imthatacheyouhav

what does this (WIITWD) stand for?



(in reply to imthatacheyouhav)
Profile   Post #: 15
RE: First steps and cold feet? - 6/18/2007 10:08:38 AM   
imthatacheyouhav


Posts: 1259
Joined: 4/16/2007
Status: offline 		Thanks Joy...you sweethart you....

_____________________________

*if you don't stand for something, you'll fall for anything*
**collared July 22 2007 by LordKen**

(in reply to slavegirljoy)
Profile   Post #: 16
RE: First steps and cold feet? - 6/19/2007 1:24:38 PM   
texaskristy


Posts: 23
Joined: 6/17/2007
Status: offline 		Great advice Akisha, in particular about handling a first meeting safely. Thank you.

kristy

(in reply to jthaddeus)
Profile   Post #: 17
RE: First steps and cold feet? - 6/19/2007 6:19:19 PM   
junecleaver


Posts: 1145
Joined: 4/6/2005
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: jthaddeus

Hello :)

I've only reciently hopped on these boards and have had the great privilege to meet a few very intelegent and apparently carring people of various genders, orientations etc. So far my experience has been amazingly educational and pleasant. It's really amazing how much I'm learning about both  myself and about the human dynamic SO FAST.

There are some people whom I would actually like to talk to in person, but I must admit at times my fear and fantasies get the better of me. I guess in part what I'm hoping for is for someone to say "If you've talked to someone, they seem sane, and worth talking to, then go talk to them" but also, I'd like to hear what peoples introductions to this type of thing were like.

Also, when you were first investigating this, did you ever get scared and almost want to run away, or am I just being chicken?
.
Thoughts? Suggestions?

Thanks.  :)

-j.




You know honestly, I would have never set foot on kinky ground without my Dominant.  At my first event, I clutched his arm and probably looked like I was about to throw up.  I think sometimes I still look like that.  New people scare me...when they are dressed in black and weilding floggers---they are twice as scary.  Even munches seem threatening without him around.

If you don't want to go your first munch feeling nervous, then you'll never go to your first event.  If someone seems cool, it's not a bad idea to further investigate that by chatting them up.

One chicken to another, I hope that you find what you are looking for in your investigation. :)


_____________________________


"No one will ever win the battle of the sexes; there's too much fraternizing with the enemy. "
--Henry A. Kissinger

(in reply to jthaddeus)
Profile   Post #: 18
RE: First steps and cold feet? - 6/19/2007 8:22:26 PM   
ocilla


Posts: 1764
Joined: 6/12/2007
Status: offline 		I am new to this too but coming from the FemDomme perspective so I tend to be a bit bold.   I went to my first munch a few weeks ago and was suprised to be fussed over and praised for being brave enough to attend my first munch by myself.  Kind of made me chuckle as I would think being brave would be a typical trait of most FemDommes.  Anyhow, everyone was very nice and welcoming and in fact I learned about collarme from folks there as well as lots of other info and fun events that are coming up.  I felt like I was immediately taken under the wing of 3 women - 2 Dommes and one sub and they were a delite.  There was a fellow there who cam for his first time as well and he had only been in the US for 3 months and there was no BDSM comunity in his native country - now that was brave.  Hugs were given all around by the end of the munch.  And it was something to see all the faces and see how fiesty normal looking folks can be once in their element.  It was a very safe and easy way to meet folks and get the lay of the land.  Much more informative than reading and researching although that has been helpful too.  I encourage you to go to munches regularly and to also try meeting folks without any agenda other than interviewng them and discussing face to face your BDSM proclivities and ways to meet others.  Build your network and community and eventually you will get into the meat of the experience when it is right.  Good Luck - be brave and safe - nothing ventured nothing gained - trust yourself and your instincts.

_____________________________

Ocilla

Nature is not a place to visit. It is home.
~ Gary Snyder

It takes a kinky village...

(in reply to junecleaver)
Profile   Post #: 19
Page:   [1]
All Forums >> [Community Discussions] >> Ask a Submissive >> First steps and cold feet? Page: [1]
Jump to:





New Messages No New Messages
Hot Topic w/ New Messages Hot Topic w/o New Messages
Locked w/ New Messages Locked w/o New Messages
 Post New Thread
 Reply to Message
 Post New Poll
 Submit Vote
 Delete My Own Post
 Delete My Own Thread
 Rate Posts




Collarchat.com © 2025
Terms of Service Privacy Policy Spam Policy

0.094