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RE: Coming Out Scene Report - 3/6/2008 4:01:14 PM

undergroundsea

Posts: 2400
Joined: 6/27/2004
From: Austin, TX
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Thank you for all the words of support :)

quote:

ORIGINAL: Parataxis

quote:

ORIGINAL: undergroundsea
Thanks. You think it'd be ok to tell my boss next? ;-)

Errr, that would really depend on the context and situation at the office.

I agree. I am currently self employed and so the comment was more in jest. Some people have more to lose than others when it comes to being out. So I think each person should evaluate their respective circumstances.

There are ego risks (disapproval, rejection) and practical risks (losing job, custody). I think ego risks are easier to take and do help the cause, especially when they are taken with respect to friends and family where the relationship is more likely to endure and the stereotypes are more likely to be shattered.

quote:

Did I miss it, or did it seem not relevant to the story or.....when you told her, did you leave out the part about being on the submissive side of the slash?

I begin with very general ideas and go into more detail as they ask about more. I rely on my judgment about what level of detail is appropriate, which varies from person to person and occasion to occasion, and will also vary for others.

Cheers,

Sea

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Post #: 21

RE: Coming Out Scene Report - 3/7/2008 6:08:28 AM

thetammyjo

Posts: 6322
Joined: 9/8/2005
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quote:

ORIGINAL: Parataxis

quote:

ORIGINAL: undergroundsea

Thanks. You think it'd be ok to tell my boss next? ;-)

Cheers,

Sea

Errr, that would really depend on the context and situation at the office. Generally, I'm of the opinion that if you're not getting down with somebody, discussions of what you like in bed are not needed. I mean, if it came up in conversation, discuss it, but would it?

Liking kink is the same as liking anything else in bed; it's nothing to be ashamed of, but also not necessarilly what you should be telling all and sundry. IMNAAHO.

Exactly.

I think too often people confuse being out with being in other people's faces with your life.

Let's face it, most of those of us who live 24/7 Ds lives also live very normal, mundane lives where only someone who knew us would know what was going on. That's the way life is -- you have buy food, have shelter, usually some clothing, pay taxes, etc. So unless you are independently wealthy you must deal with mundane life.

Take me, I publish both my academic stuff and my kink stuff under my own name -- that's pretty damned out. However my kink writing has nothing to do with my teaching or my scholarship so I don't list that on my CV (resumé). My personal life isn't any of my students business but if they turn up at a munch, so what? they might turn up at my church or grocery store or doctor's office too.

Fox came out to his boss a few years ago because a co-worker was in a class we did a panel for and then decided to talk to folks in his office about it. Needless to say he was upset but I had him go to his boss and tell her -- she asked what that had to do with his job and he said "exactly" and after that it probably only affected those in the office unprofessional enough to let it affect them. Luckily he is a manager so he has the power and authority.

It is true. Some people have no sense of boundaries of appropriateness and when you are out you will have to deal with them. Luckily by being out you take most of their potential power away from them.

Not that I'm saying everyone needs to be out. That has to be a personal choice.

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TammyJo

Check out my website at http://www.thetammyjo.com Or www.tammyjoeckhart.com

And my LJ where I post fiction in progress if you "friend" me at http://thetammyjo.livejournal.com/

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Post #: 22

RE: Coming Out Scene Report - 3/7/2008 7:44:44 AM

pixelslave

Posts: 1444
Joined: 8/19/2006
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quote:

ORIGINAL: undergroundsea

There are ego risks (disapproval, rejection) and practical risks (losing job, custody). I think ego risks are easier to take and do help the cause, especially when they are taken with respect to friends and family where the relationship is more likely to endure and the stereotypes are more likely to be shattered.

Sea,
Since you and I are both in Texas, I'd like to share that being involved in BDSM can't be used against you when it comes to child custody. During my divorce, my ex-wife/former-Mistress outed me to the court appointed psychologist that was doing a custody/visitation evaluation on us. She charcterized me as being a "pervert into humiliating and degrading acts of S&M" while representing herself as a victim rather than a consenting partner (I still have a signed copy of our consentual D/s contract to prove that wasn't the case and that she perjured herself). When the court psychologist continued to pursue questioning me about this, I finally asked him what, if anything, it had to do with my ability to parent my UM's, and he responded that "it didn't". After that he dropped it and I heard nothing further from him on it.

I can't speak to how it's viewed in other states, but wanted to share that in regard to Texas. That doesn't mean it didn't affect his recommendations because of any personal bias he has, but there was no mention of it in his final report and I suspect he was smart enough to recognize she was trying to use it against me without revealing her role in our relationship. Ultimately, his recommendations mattered not as issues of custody/visitation were negotiated during mediation with me receiving more that the psychologist had recommended in his final report (a waste of money at the recommendation of her attorney).

- pixel

_____________________________

Chivalry isn't dead! It's for those who have it in their hearts & are willing to be taught. It's a way of life, a code of honor; this one's armor still needs some polishing!

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Post #: 23

RE: Coming Out Scene Report - 3/7/2008 6:05:02 PM

undergroundsea

Posts: 2400
Joined: 6/27/2004
From: Austin, TX
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: pixelslave
Since you and I are both in Texas, I'd like to share that being involved in BDSM can't be used against you when it comes to child custody.

<snip>

When the court psychologist continued to pursue questioning me about this, I finally asked him what, if anything, it had to do with my ability to parent my UM's, and he responded that "it didn't". After that he dropped it and I heard nothing further from him on it.

I can't speak to how it's viewed in other states, but wanted to share that in regard to Texas. That

Pixel,

I am sorry to hear that your ex-wife/former mistress tried to use your interest against you for custody reasons. Thanks for sharing how it went.

In my opinion, the choice to be generally out or not does not apply much to custody in divorces because either one is hiding it from their spouse and must remain secretive, or one is practicing with their spouse. In the former case, there is no choice about being generally out--the choice by default is to be closeted. In the latter case, whether one is generally out or not is irrelevant to custody since the spouse has the knowledge if it is to be used in a custody battle during a divorce).

The context I had in mind was more towards foster parents. I do not have informed knowledge about what role BDSM plays in such cases. I have a sense that I have heard people speak here and there about a threat to custody because of their BDSM interest, which may have been the case, or which may have been a reason envisioned or given for losing custody for good reason.

That the psychologist questioned you about it suggests it's not a non-issue. The psychologists or whoever might make recommendations in foster parent cases do have an influence through their recommendations and a personal bias could affect this recommendation.

In any case, your account is encouraging and is consistent with my intuition that with general growth of BDSM, an understanding about BDSM is improving amongst pertinent professionals (law enforcement, medical, etc).

Cheers,

Sea

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Post #: 24

RE: Coming Out Scene Report - 6/27/2008 12:47:04 PM

undergroundsea

Posts: 2400
Joined: 6/27/2004
From: Austin, TX
Status: offline

Here is a benefit of being out.

This week I came to Los Angeles to visit my brother and his family. And there happened to be a kink event that I wanted to attend. Since he now knows, I was able to tell him what I was interested to do, and had an ally in making arrangements to attend the event rather than having to hide it from him. I had a fabulous time!

Cheers,

Sea

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Post #: 25

RE: Coming Out Scene Report - 6/27/2008 8:13:16 PM

CoasttoCoast

Posts: 71
Joined: 5/22/2007
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congrats on finding the courage sea.

I've been coming out myself a bit lately (mostly when drunk, I'm a goddamn truth-cannon while inebriated) and it's a very liberating feeling. Sharing something that is a such a big part of you with those you love is a blast.

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RE: Coming Out Scene Report - 6/27/2008 11:27:17 PM

Vendaval

Posts: 10297
Joined: 1/15/2005
Status: offline

Sea,

Congratulations on having such a positive experience coming out to your family members and sharing your story here. It is very inspirational.

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So in this gray haze we'll be meating again, and on that
great day, I will tease you all the same."
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Post #: 27