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Total Involvment - 6/20/2007 6:35:55 AM   
chrisy


Posts: 34
Joined: 10/10/2005
Status: offline 		Is it possible for a submissive to totally give themselves over to a dominant? Is not the purpose of this life for both parties to mutually receive their wants and desires? In this sense, isn't the lifestyle one elaborate role playing game?

i have heard some dominants claim that, to them, only their needs and wants matter and that the sub may have wants but must not express them as it's not very "submissive" of them. Why would anyone want that? To be totally neglected in mind and spirit?

It is human to have wants and desires and i cannot understand how suppressing them forever is fulfilling or healthy. How is it then that some can live this way long term and not become a shell of a person?

any thoughts, opinions would be great!
Profile   Post #: 1
RE: Total Involvment - 6/20/2007 7:18:38 AM   
ownedgirlie


Posts: 9184
Joined: 2/5/2006
Status: offline 		Is this basically the same question you asked in the General Discussion thread of BDSM as Religion?  My answer is there.  Posting redundant questions on the boards gets confusing and one of them typically gets pulled.

(in reply to chrisy)
Profile   Post #: 2
RE: Total Involvment - 6/20/2007 7:26:26 AM   
YourShyPet


Posts: 185
Joined: 6/30/2006
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: chrisy

Is it possible for a submissive to totally give themselves over to a dominant? Is not the purpose of this life for both parties to mutually receive their wants and desires? In this sense, isn't the lifestyle one elaborate role playing game?

i have heard some dominants claim that, to them, only their needs and wants matter and that the sub may have wants but must not express them as it's not very "submissive" of them. Why would anyone want that? To be totally neglected in mind and spirit?

It is human to have wants and desires and i cannot understand how suppressing them forever is fulfilling or healthy. How is it then that some can live this way long term and not become a shell of a person?

any thoughts, opinions would be great!



Giving total self is what a slave does.... For some it's the purpose for both wants and needs to be fulfilled... Again for some it's elaborate role playing...

For me personally the dominants who say that it's all about their wants, and needs and the submissives wants and needs shouldn't be expressed are confusing submissives with slaves... Why does anyone want anything??? Everyone has their reasons sometimes we can understand their reasons... sometimes we can't... I'm sure some people probably do end up as shells... but then I'm sure some start out as a shell.

kittin

< Message edited by YourShyPet -- 6/20/2007 7:27:10 AM >

(in reply to chrisy)
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RE: Total Involvment - 6/20/2007 7:45:04 AM   
mbes


Posts: 465
Joined: 12/14/2006
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: chrisy

Is it possible for a submissive to totally give themselves over to a dominant? Is not the purpose of this life for both parties to mutually receive their wants and desires? In this sense, isn't the lifestyle one elaborate role playing game?

i have heard some dominants claim that, to them, only their needs and wants matter and that the sub may have wants but must not express them as it's not very "submissive" of them. Why would anyone want that? To be totally neglected in mind and spirit?

It is human to have wants and desires and i cannot understand how suppressing them forever is fulfilling or healthy. How is it then that some can live this way long term and not become a shell of a person?

any thoughts, opinions would be great!

The trick would be in finding a dominant who, in satisfying his or her own needs, satisfies the submissive's as well. For the sub who has lots of "wants", find a dom who likes to give (yes, some do). For the sub who wants only to give, find a dom who likes to take.

(in reply to chrisy)
Profile   Post #: 4
RE: Total Involvment - 6/20/2007 7:54:08 AM   
imthatacheyouhav


Posts: 1259
Joined: 4/16/2007
Status: offline 		have you read any books or anything about this subject?...try the Loving Dominant and    S&M 101....

_____________________________

*if you don't stand for something, you'll fall for anything*
**collared July 22 2007 by LordKen**

(in reply to chrisy)
Profile   Post #: 5
RE: Total Involvment - 6/20/2007 8:02:36 AM   
Viciousbabe


Posts: 61
Joined: 5/15/2006
Status: offline 		Submissives and slaves are people too...they will always have their wants and needs. Perhaps the Dominant men you are talking to know the difference. A want is simply that, some thing a person desires. A need is some thing that the person has to have to survive. A Dom should always make sure the needs of his sub or slave are met.

Some submissives only *want* to see their Dominant happy. Others *want* to achieve life goals they set for themselves. Either way, no one else knows completely what is going on in some one else's head and it is the responsibility of the sub to make sure she is taken care of, so that she can take care of the Dom. An unhappy submissive does not make a good subby!

As for the 'role playing', a submissive bends her will to her Dom. Therefore, while she expresses her wants she may or may not get them. Many subs believe their Doms have their best interest at heart, so they trust the decisions made for them.

(in reply to mbes)
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RE: Total Involvment - 6/20/2007 9:08:11 AM   
Mercnbeth


Posts: 11766
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: chrisy

Is it possible for a submissive to totally give themselves over to a dominant?


yes

quote:

Is not the purpose of this life for both parties to mutually receive their wants and desires?


for some...maybe, for others...not so much.

quote:

 In this sense, isn't the lifestyle one elaborate role playing game?


you could just as easily say "life" is an elaborate role playing game or but a stage, etc..

quote:

i have heard some dominants claim that, to them, only their needs and wants matter and that the sub may have wants but must not express them as it's not very "submissive" of them. Why would anyone want that?

 
Master requires His slave to disclose any want she might have...with the understanding that He MAY, at His discretion, allow her to experience it...or not.  thankfully, we are not all carbon copies of each other, in spite of our all being human.

quote:

It is human to have wants and desires and i cannot understand how suppressing them forever is fulfilling or healthy.


some humans have wants and desires that are not healthy...cigarette smoking for example...should a smoker be encouraged to continue, merely because it is unfulfilling and unhealthy to supress their "human" want and/or desire to smoke?

(in reply to chrisy)
Profile   Post #: 7
RE: Total Involvment - 6/20/2007 9:45:11 AM   
Stephann


Posts: 4214
Joined: 12/27/2006
From: Portland, OR
Status: offline 		Why do I have the feeling you've been doing a lot of reading over at castlerealm.com ?

Couple of things to consider.  Not everyone desires, seeks, or enjoys romantic relationships.  D/s isn't based on romance and love the way other relationships often are.  There is no inherent expectation to be nice, monogamous, or loving.  If these are things you desire, you need to make sure your partner is aware of them, and positively desires the same thing.  It comes back to expectations.

Having said that, people can be involved in TPE (APE) relationships where the rules are always there.  The dominant is always the dominant, the submissive always the submissive.  As LA mentioned the other day, it isn't about what you like to do, it's about who you are.  As long as you and your partner have mutual goals as far as what you desire and expect from the relationship, you shouldn't have anything to worry about in terms of being 'broken-down' or being abused.

Stephan


_____________________________

Nosce Te Ipsum

"The blade itself incites to violence" - Homer

Men: Find a Woman here

(in reply to Mercnbeth)
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RE: Total Involvment - 6/20/2007 11:36:46 AM   
slaveish


Posts: 1086
Joined: 2/19/2007
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: chrisy

i have heard some dominants claim that, to them, only their needs and wants matter and that the sub may have wants but must not express them as it's not very "submissive" of them.


Ye gods.

Master is a pretty straightforward man and yet he tends to my needs and wants. If he called me less his slave for expressing myself, what would that say of his confidence in his ability to command me? It is his choice to fulfill my requests, and if they are personally important to my trust, emotional and / or mental health, or my overall wellbeing, he grants them. He also grants my requests if he is feeling particularly generous, wants to surprise me, or just wants to make me happy. His call.

He masters me just as he masters my sister. We are not the same people and yet he understands us both fairly well and individualizes his style depending on who he's dealing with. He listens when he is wrong and he makes adjustments as necessary, and we know that the bottom line is that HE is the Master. There is never any question.

If some dude that told me I was less than who I am for voicing something ... bah. He would not Master me. He would not Dom me. It would be a very bad match. I will sing the chorus of my usual song: D/s and M/s dynamics are ~relationships~ first. If only one person's needs are being met then the union can only head in a downward direction.

_____________________________

You only lose what you cling to. ~~Gautama Sidharta

If we have no peace, it is because we have forgotten that we belong to each other. ~~Mother Teresa

(in reply to chrisy)
Profile   Post #: 9
RE: Total Involvment - 6/20/2007 11:41:20 AM   
MasterFireMaam


Posts: 5587
Joined: 3/1/2006
From: Charleston, WV
Status: offline 		I feel that there is a hierarchy to needs and wants for a healthy realtionship to work. In both a vanilla and an Ms relationship, the needs of the partners are equal and come first (unless there's UMs, which gets complicated, so we'll skip it). In a vanilla or "equal" relationship, there's tradeoff about each other's wants. In an Ms relationship, the Master's wants come first. Most healthy relationships realize that if you ignore the wants of the slave long enough, they can become needs...and if they are then not met, it harms the individual.

Master Fire


_____________________________

The power of who we are can be intoxicating. The power of who we could be is humbling.
-----
Ms Relationship Books
-----
BDSM How-To Books

(in reply to chrisy)
Profile   Post #: 10
RE: Total Involvment - 6/20/2007 2:18:48 PM   
charismagirrl


Posts: 297
Joined: 8/30/2006
Status: offline 		Yes it is totally possible alot of people live it.

As for role play....that depends on the people involved.

As far as a slaves wants etc....this is something that i've learned from being with my Daddy, but i know that it applies to others as well...

my wants/likes/desires have begun to align with his wants/likes/desires . So this isn't to say that my wants aren't looked at and that he doesn't do things that i want just because, he does and gives me choices etc.

Ultimately though his wants come first and foremost. Recently i have found myself getting more deeply into his WANTS...or to put it better, the things he likes are starting to be things that i like. Food, recreational activities, music etc. Sure, i still like what i liked but now, i am learning to appreciate and enjoy the things he is into.

So if you look at it that way, i am having wants met, my wants are just simply changing to closer match his.


_____________________________

For today i won't say but...
For today i wont say just...
For today i will simply obey....
For today i will trust that You are right...
For always i will be your imperfect slave

http://www.mycollarspace.com

(in reply to MasterFireMaam)
Profile   Post #: 11
RE: Total Involvment - 6/20/2007 5:38:13 PM   
junecleaver


Posts: 1145
Joined: 4/6/2005
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: Stephann

Why do I have the feeling you've been doing a lot of reading over at castlerealm.com?
 I just spit water onto my computer screen.   To answer the OP, the purpose for this 'life' is whatever you decide.  Choosing partners with similar purposes is what will help you fufill each others needs.  When people are happy and fufilled, I take their word on it.  I could not live the life of some of our forum posters and be fufilled, but I look forward to their posts because they give a little glimpse into what it is like to live their own choices.  I wouldn't deny another person their right to choose a relationship best for them and I certainly wouldn't doubt when they tell me how happy they are with that choice.

_____________________________


"No one will ever win the battle of the sexes; there's too much fraternizing with the enemy. "
--Henry A. Kissinger

(in reply to Stephann)
Profile   Post #: 12
RE: Total Involvment - 6/20/2007 6:22:30 PM   
crouchingtigress


Posts: 4387
Joined: 3/19/2006
From: Maui
Status: offline 		june, gosh, could you use a larger font size, for us old folks?

_____________________________


Service slut, durable plaything, and ponypenquincatdogpig, to Lee Harrington

This is him

"Its none of my buisness what other people think of me."




(in reply to junecleaver)
Profile   Post #: 13
RE: Total Involvment - 6/20/2007 6:46:55 PM   
junecleaver


Posts: 1145
Joined: 4/6/2005
Status: offline 		Sorry   For some reason when I use the post reply button and the box pops up everything looks twice as big.  I thought my font was about a 10 when I posted.

And now I can't seem to find the edit button?  I think I'm sleep deprieved.


_____________________________


"No one will ever win the battle of the sexes; there's too much fraternizing with the enemy. "
--Henry A. Kissinger

(in reply to crouchingtigress)
Profile   Post #: 14
RE: Total Involvment - 6/20/2007 7:40:16 PM   
annare


Posts: 37
Joined: 5/5/2007
Status: offline 		i don't know that i can add much that hasn't already been said. i suppose its mostly understanding what it is you are looking for in a relationship as mbes stated. If you are looking for a romantic D/s relationship, realize that most Dominants do have a romantic side but, its their call as to whether or not to exercise it.  i suppose for me, being a service minded individual, more often than not, my needs or wants are fulfilled by seeing to His needs or wants. i do agree that there's a certain amount of consideration that needs to be given to a submissives emotional well-being and i've yet to meet one that wasn't affected by a Dominant who really couldn't give a rats ass about her feelings. The most important thing is to keep searching until you find One who shares your view of the lifestyle and the relationship you envision. i almost gave up because i was told i would never find what i needed... mostly from Men who wanted a slave that they could verbally and emotionally destroy on a daily basis. The best response i found was to politely tell them that i had no intention of asking them to change their mind about what they wanted as i had no right to do so, i simply wasn't interested in being that for Them.

good luck in your search,
annare

(in reply to junecleaver)
Profile   Post #: 15
RE: Total Involvment - 6/21/2007 4:34:56 AM   
eyesopened


Posts: 2798
Joined: 6/12/2006
From: Tampa, FL
Status: offline 		One of the best lessons i have ever learned in the course of my service is the lesson on focus.  Your questions seems to focus upon yourself and your needs.  In my opinion only, submission changes ones focus from self to the one being served.   What some newbies have yet to discover is the paradox.  How can pain be pleasure?  How is bondage a source of freedom?  How is giving a way to recieve?  When you change your focus away from self and toward service the possibility of fulfillment is nearly endless.  Think of a photograph where the subject is all that is in focus and the background blurred.  Does that mean the stuff in the background ceases to exist?  Of course not, it just isn't the subject of the picture.  Do i cease to exist when i am in service?  Of course not!  While there really are some Masters who seek and empty shell (there's pretty much a lid for every pot) there are more who are seeking substance in their partners.

_____________________________

Proudly owned by InkedMaster. He is the one i obey, serve, honor and love.

No one is honored for what they've received. Honor is the reward for what has been given.

(in reply to chrisy)
Profile   Post #: 16
RE: Total Involvment - 6/23/2007 8:09:05 AM   
atendersoul


Posts: 167
Joined: 10/20/2006
Status: offline 		this thought would have to come from one that does the Way on weekends.....
having this Path as Life, there would be no question and honestly no other thought of such a thing

(in reply to eyesopened)
Profile   Post #: 17
RE: Total Involvment - 6/23/2007 8:18:39 AM   
kyraofMists


Posts: 3292
Joined: 7/29/2005
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: eyesopened

One of the best lessons i have ever learned in the course of my service is the lesson on focus.  Your questions seems to focus upon yourself and your needs.  In my opinion only, submission changes ones focus from self to the one being served.   What some newbies have yet to discover is the paradox.  How can pain be pleasure?  How is bondage a source of freedom?  How is giving a way to recieve?  When you change your focus away from self and toward service the possibility of fulfillment is nearly endless.  Think of a photograph where the subject is all that is in focus and the background blurred.  Does that mean the stuff in the background ceases to exist?  Of course not, it just isn't the subject of the picture.  Do i cease to exist when i am in service?  Of course not!  While there really are some Masters who seek and empty shell (there's pretty much a lid for every pot) there are more who are seeking substance in their partners.


I enjoyed your post very much.  I was recently said that I am most at peace when my focus is not on me and it is on him and the relationship.

To the OP, our relationship is not all about him while Alandra and I are neglected.  His focus is on the relationship and what is best for the three of us.  We do not sacrifice the relationship for the wants of one, but there are times that one will have to make a sacrifice for the good of the relationship.  My focus is on him and what he wants from me; his focus is on the relationship and what is best for us all.

Knight's Kyra

_____________________________

"Passion... it lies in all of us. Sleeping, waiting, and though unbidden, it will stir, open its jaws, and howl. It speaks to us, guides us... passion rules us all. And we obey..." ~Angelus

(in reply to eyesopened)
Profile   Post #: 18
RE: Total Involvment - 6/23/2007 8:26:19 AM   
KnightofMists


Posts: 7149
Joined: 7/29/2005
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: kyraofMists

To the OP, our relationship is not all about him while Alandra and I are neglected.  His focus is on the relationship and what is best for the three of us.  We do not sacrifice the relationship for the wants of one, but there are times that one will have to make a sacrifice for the good of the relationship.  My focus is on him and what he wants from me; his focus is on the relationship and what is best for us all.

Knight's Kyra


Well said!

_____________________________

Knight of Mists

An Optimal relationship is achieved when the individuals do what is best for themselves and their relationship.

(in reply to kyraofMists)
Profile   Post #: 19
RE: Total Involvment - 6/23/2007 9:38:11 AM   
womanworshipper


Posts: 71
Joined: 3/27/2005
Status: offline 		i have wants and needs like my Owner, but where they conflict with Hers, Hers take priority because that is the nature of Our/our relationship. Most of the time they do not conflict.

And having a relationship like this fulfils one of my most fundamental desires, i.e. to serve and submit to a dominant Female (more specifically, this dominant Female, my Owner).


(in reply to chrisy)
Profile   Post #: 20
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