Success Factors for Being subs (Full Version)

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pleasingpj -> Success Factors for Being subs (6/20/2007 5:32:56 PM)

i know that it has probably already been asked before, but as a newbie, i need to know what characteristics that i need to develop that would help me to have a positive, long term, sub/slave relationship with a Master? Also, i need to know what characteristics would detract from me being able to to be a good sub/slave? Is it different for each Master or is there a general rule of thumb? All insights and responses will be greatly appreciated. Thank you and Be Blessed, pj



AquaticSub -> RE: Success Factors for Being subs (6/20/2007 5:36:15 PM)

It is different for each master, exactly the same way there is no "perfect" girlfriend who would work for every straight man in the vanilla world.

I find a desire to to serve, honesty, and a willingness to communicate (even if you think they don't want to hear it) to be pretty high on the list though.




shyinini -> RE: Success Factors for Being subs (6/20/2007 5:37:15 PM)

Looking at your profile pj, maybe ya oughta look in the Good Book?
 
 
Sir's cumslut



juliaoceania -> RE: Success Factors for Being subs (6/20/2007 6:15:09 PM)

What attributes make anyone a good mate/partner?

Honesty
Openness
Ability to inspire
Willingness to compromise
Willingness to give
[insert quality here]

Think about the qualities you want in a mate and then cultivate those qualities in yourself... that is the best advice I can offer... the person that is right for you and that you will compliment will show up if you do that, and being a "good" sub will be much easier as a result



goodpet -> RE: Success Factors for Being subs (6/20/2007 6:33:28 PM)

Hi,
Juliaoceania started off with a good list of personality traits to cultivate. 

Look at what kind of service you would like to offer and develop those skills. Personal service, house service, lifeservice, make a list of what you are good at and what you want to learn. Take classes and spend time with others who are good at them. learn and develop what you can offer.

Perhaps the most important is knowing yourself and being able to express your needs and interests and what you are looking for.

good luck



DragonNphoenix -> RE: Success Factors for Being subs (6/20/2007 6:42:00 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: shyinini

Looking at your profile pj, maybe ya oughta look in the Good Book?
 
 
Sir's cumslut


I hate to say this... but she has a point.  You are only looking for a Christian Dom.  What a mature Christian Dom wants may be in contrast with what a young Pagan Dom wants.  Sorry, there just isn't a blanket answer to your question. 
 
1st girl Phoenix



pleasingpj -> RE: Success Factors for Being subs (6/20/2007 6:44:57 PM)

i want to thank ALL who took the time to answer my questions. i am fumbling around and trying to find my way. i want to do things the right way or as best as i can. So i seek the wisdom from those who have already been through what i am attempting. Thank you again and Be Blessed, paula



earthycouple -> RE: Success Factors for Being subs (6/20/2007 6:53:20 PM)

**Using the term bottom as all encompasing in this thread**

Personally I want honesty, integrity, a willingness to learn a want to succeed, friendship, kindness, warmth, love, etc. ALL before the BDSM stuff.  The other stuff comes with the specific dominant.  I can train a bottom to do the housechores, I can work with a bottom to find out what he enjoys or endures for me.  It's the fundamental life things that are important.  I can't teach honesty or want.



LuckyAlbatross -> RE: Success Factors for Being subs (6/20/2007 6:58:31 PM)

Good = being true to yourself

Bad = not being true to yourself

Unless you're a sucky person- then you should work on those things and THEN be true to yourself.

There are generalities- they are meaningless when you begin to talk about any specific relationship.  First thing you need to stop doing is expecting answers to be found from others.  They will only be found within you over time.

Not that you should stop asking advice- just don't expect any answers.



LuckyAlbatross -> RE: Success Factors for Being subs (6/20/2007 7:00:05 PM)

Oh and don't expect relationships in bdsm or Ds to require anything other than what you already know are involved in vanilla relationships- it's really the same.



LadyHeart -> RE: Success Factors for Being subs (6/20/2007 7:36:28 PM)

You have received some truly profound answers, so I will only touch on what would detract from your ability to be a good submissive - compromising yourself. Shakespeare nailed that one when he said:

"This above all: to thine own self be true,
And it must follow, as the night the day,
Thou canst not then be false to any man."

You are beginning on the right foot, by asking the right questions. Just hold to that path and you can't go far wrong. Good luck!

:))
LH



daddysliloneds -> RE: Success Factors for Being subs (6/20/2007 8:34:08 PM)

whatever happened to 'just being yourself'? anyone can try to change to be something that they're not, and in the end, even if they found what they consider to be 'the perfect relationship', the whole relationship would be based on a 'false pretense'.



julietsierra -> RE: Success Factors for Being subs (6/21/2007 3:15:20 AM)

I know it seems confusing when you're new and everyone is telling you that "submissives are this way or that way" and you just want to do it the right way, but what everyone is telling you here in this thread is right. Be yourself.

See, the thing is, the things you read about this lifestyle make it seem so giving and generous and putting others before ourselves, but the reality is that by far, this life is just about the most selfish lifestyle you can choose - and before anyone gets up in arms about that, please... being selfish in the right way is a good thing.

I believe that being single, submissive and new is kind of like being that little goat on the movie Jurassic Park. When we're new, all we know is that we want to give and we want to serve. Beyond that, we know nothing about whats out there and what's not so good about what we want. We simply have no real idea what might come along to tear us apart. So we put ourselves out there and more often than not, someone comes along and tells us what a "real submissive" should be. We want to serve. We want to give. And most of all, we want to believe. And we do - too often to our detriment.

So, when I was new, after taking my licks so to speak like that little goat on the movie, although thankfully not losing my life (although I did spend a lot of time in tears before figuring this out), I learned to stop listening to all those people telling me what a submissive "should" be and start living my life as I wanted to live it - including submission.

I stopped trying to be what everyone wanted me to be. I started being selfish and being what *I* wanted me to be. I started to understand that if I was being what everyone else wanted me to be, I'd never be the person that I was. I'd just be their live version of their fantasies, and I knew that I could never keep up the pretense.

So.. like I said, I got selfish. I lived my life according to how I wanted to be and looked for someone who lived his life in a similar fashion, only on the other side of the D/s coin. In short, instead of re-inventing myself to be someone else's ideal, I made darn sure I was myself for me and looked for someone that fit. I stopped trying to change me and I made sure when I was looking that I didn't look for someone who I thought might change over time. About the only thing I can say I did was to try to become the best "me" that I could be.

For the first time in my life, in a very selfish move to protect myself from myself, I was myself. It was amazingly freeing and while it took a long time, I eventually found someone that fit me to a tee. And I fit him to a tee as well.

Oh yea, the other thing I did was to start looking at this life as an "add-on." I didn't want to change any part of my life to have a D/s relationship. I wanted the D/s to add to my life, not take away from my life. And I got just that.

Believe it or not, remember those little-girl dreams of the kind of person we want to marry most of us had as children? While the marrying part is not an interest in my lifeanymore, I got exactly that. And on a daily basis, I'm amazed.

Good luck pj.

juliet



LuckyAlbatross -> RE: Success Factors for Being subs (6/21/2007 7:43:41 AM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: julietsierra
I believe that being single, submissive and new is kind of like being that little goat on the movie Jurassic Park. When we're new, all we know is that we want to give and we want to serve. Beyond that, we know nothing about whats out there and what's not so good about what we want. We simply have no real idea what might come along to tear us apart. So we put ourselves out there and more often than not, someone comes along and tells us what a "real submissive" should be. We want to serve. We want to give. And most of all, we want to believe. And we do - too often to our detriment.

The problem is that you/they all DO know exactly what predators are out there.

You/we just lie to your/ourselves and pretend that bdsm is somehow different than any of the world we've experienced up until that point and we've got to go about things differently.

Once you believe that lie, you've fucked yourself over.



KatyLied -> RE: Success Factors for Being subs (6/21/2007 8:09:19 AM)

quote:

whatever happened to 'just being yourself'?


I don't know.  I am myself, I don't put forth any contrived traits.  At this point in my life I'm tired of faking it in order to be a better, more desirable person.  Hopefully, by being me I will attract someone compatible. 



Mercnbeth -> RE: Success Factors for Being subs (6/21/2007 8:15:57 AM)

it is most definitely different for each Master/Mistress/Dom/Domme, but here are a few this slave considered:
 
confidence:  in yourself and your abilities
discernment
patience:  with yourself, your partner and the relationship
optimism/positivity:  have you had your plus sign today?(thanks Prince!)
joie de vivre
talent/skills
truthfulness
 
detractors:
 
Dominance
insecurity
pessimism
egocentricity
prior, ongoing contractual obligations
self-loathing
unctuousness
dishonesty



Celeste43 -> RE: Success Factors for Being subs (6/21/2007 2:12:55 PM)

Entirely depends on the relationship and the other person.

Service is not highly desired in my relationship. Emotional transparency is. He would much prefer I refuse an order and tell him why then fulfill it and keep my heart hidden.

But there are relationships out there where it's the total opposite.



julietsierra -> RE: Success Factors for Being subs (6/21/2007 2:36:17 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: LuckyAlbatross

quote:

ORIGINAL: julietsierra
I believe that being single, submissive and new is kind of like being that little goat on the movie Jurassic Park. When we're new, all we know is that we want to give and we want to serve. Beyond that, we know nothing about whats out there and what's not so good about what we want. We simply have no real idea what might come along to tear us apart. So we put ourselves out there and more often than not, someone comes along and tells us what a "real submissive" should be. We want to serve. We want to give. And most of all, we want to believe. And we do - too often to our detriment.

The problem is that you/they all DO know exactly what predators are out there.

You/we just lie to your/ourselves and pretend that bdsm is somehow different than any of the world we've experienced up until that point and we've got to go about things differently.

Once you believe that lie, you've fucked yourself over.


I've thought about your comment for a while now LA and I want so badly to say "oh, you're SO right."

But each time I do, it all comes back to me.

A 39 year old woman who prior to her initial forays into the bdsm world had had precisely three men in her life. The first crush which lasted about 2 years but who she had known since they were both about .... well...they weren't in first grade yet when they first met, the first boyfriend who had been her friend since before boys stopped being yukky before he became her boyfriend and the man who eventually became her husband of 18 years before they divorced.

She truly was like a duck in a new world when she first happened upon this lifestyle and in her whole adult life, she had less dating experience than your average 16 year old. She hadn't had a world to have experienced when she was young and she was learning everything all at one time.

The course she took was painful because in her entire life, she'd known nothing but her friends who eventually became her loves and one of them, her husband. She didn't know about the dating games or the lies or predators or anything like that. She honestly didn't have a clue.

So, I find I can't agree with your idea that they/we/I knew all this stuff prior to becoming involved in bdsm but simply shut their/our/my eyes and became fucked because of it. The fact is not everyone has had a derth of men under her belt by the age of 27 and despite the experience of some people, there are others who are not so experienced. So, I don't assume.

And I can't believe that that one person is/was the only person out there who has ever had to learn the lessons of youth while learning the lessons of the newly divorced and at the same time was applying them to what they were finding in the bdsm world.

So, since I don't know pj, in the end, my advice remains the same. Be selfish. Be yourself.

juliet



slaveluci -> RE: Success Factors for Being subs (6/21/2007 2:38:38 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: Celeste43
Service is not highly desired in my relationship. Emotional transparency is. He would much prefer I refuse an order and tell him why then fulfill it and keep my heart hidden.

Wow, Celeste.  This is beautifully stated.  I would have to agree with it 99% as to how it also describes my relationship.  The only difference would be that service IS desired, just not nearly as much as the emotional transparency.  The statement about him preferring that you refuse an order and tell him why rather than just do it and keep your heart hidden - that I can agree with 100%.  My Master doesn't want a slave who blindly obeys without ever a question and who keeps her feelings, thoughts, and emotions hidden from Him.  You summed it up wonderfully..........luci



LuckyAlbatross -> RE: Success Factors for Being subs (6/21/2007 2:43:51 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: julietsierra
So, in the end, my advice remains the same. Be selfish. Be yourself.

juliet

I agree with your advice here.  And yes, there may be people naive and inexperienced as adults to not know, or to somehow have ignored the general state of reality to know there are assholes and liars in the world- and it will be harder.

But at least PJ can no longer worry about that- she's been clearly told and won't be blind.



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