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single too long? - 6/21/2007 4:23:50 PM

Viciousbabe

Posts: 61
Joined: 5/15/2006
Status: offline

After leaving my exDom's home last August, I have talked with several Dom's but nothing serious has come out of it. For the first 6 months or so I didn't want anything to do with D/s because of the bad situation I was in before. At first, I didn't want anything serious to happen because I felt vulnerable after leaving and didn't want to put myself in a bad situation. I pulled myself through and have been thinking about possibly having a serious play partner or even Dom if the right one comes along.

While I miss serving and the sessions, I find myself fighting those feelings. I despise when a person messages me with any rules/bs/naked pictures. I want any relationship I have to have more meaning that just sex, whether it be Dom/friend whatever.

I met a really great guy on here, but I find myself holding back. I want to tell him certain things, but am afraid I'll freak him out. (Nothing like i love you i want you, oh baby oh baby...but more like hit me harder here *please*, or i'd like to try this)

I know my exDom wasn't the most healthy person for me to be in a relationship with, and I wonder if perhaps that has some thing to do with it. I'm almost done with my BA, and am looking forward to pursuing my MA and PHD. I've also gotten so used to doing school, work, and family stuff my way on my time that it is weird for me to share it with some one else. (I was visiting the new guy and trying to get my online work done, he kept telling me not to look at the tv or talk to him and get it done. We kept talking, and I had to go into his bedroom to actually keep from being distracted. If I had been home, I would've been in silence until I got it done.)

Has anyone had trouble getting into the swing of things with another person/ after a bad ending to a relationship?

Post #: 1

RE: single too long? - 6/21/2007 4:34:03 PM

obis

Posts: 412
Joined: 9/9/2005
From: Austin, TX, USA
Status: offline

Of course -- it's no different than any other romantic relationship. If you leave one on bad terms it always takes a while to get comfortable making yourself vulnerable again, if it didn't then I'd worry you either were being codependent or not taking relationships seriously.

It sounds like the guy you're spending time with understands and is patient and supportive, so be patient with yourself :)

(in reply to Viciousbabe)

Post #: 2

RE: single too long? - 6/21/2007 4:37:55 PM

SeeksOnlyOne

Posts: 2012
Joined: 5/14/2007
Status: offline

my one and only D/s relationship ended last september. it took me until whatever date i joined this site to be sure my head was ready to begin searching for another one. since it took me 2 years to meet someone that made me want to cross the line from fantasy to reality, i am in no hurry, but i had to be sure i was ready mentally to even start thinking about another relationship.

and my relationship ended with me completely content with all that had happened within it-and completely ok with the reason i had to end it.

good luck to you.....patience and thinking are good things......i hope all goes well for you in your search.

_____________________________

it aint no good til it hurts just a little bit....jimmy somerville

in those moments of solitude, does everyone sometimes think they are insane? or is it just me?

(in reply to Viciousbabe)

Post #: 3

RE: single too long? - 6/21/2007 5:06:18 PM

littleone35

Posts: 2828
Joined: 2/17/2005
Status: offline

Well my story is a little my Dom died that is a pretty bad ending. It took me 9 months to even begin to look. I joined CM and a year later my Master joined and found me.

He was very different from my last Master, so it took a little while to get into the swing of things with a new person. Just give it time you will get in sync.

Matt's littleone

(in reply to SeeksOnlyOne)

Post #: 4

RE: single too long? - 6/21/2007 5:20:11 PM

KatyLied

Posts: 13029
Joined: 2/24/2005
From: Pennsylvania
Status: offline

quote:

I've also gotten so used to doing school, work, and family stuff my way on my time that it is weird for me to share it with some one else

This is me. Not the school stuff, but the work and family stuff. I think in a way I am distracting myself so I don't have time to "seek" (I hate that word). I am worried because the longer I am without a relationship, the easier it is for me. Years ago I was consumed with the thought of relationships and being part of a couple. Right now I can't even envision how it would work. I have some sort of self-imposed relationship seclusion going on. For me, it's a healthy thing. But I worry that at some point it will become dysfunctional.

_____________________________

“If you want to live a happy life, tie it to a goal, not to people or things.”
- Albert Einstein

(in reply to Viciousbabe)

Post #: 5

RE: single too long? - 6/21/2007 6:57:02 PM

Viciousbabe

Posts: 61
Joined: 5/15/2006
Status: offline

Thank you to everyone who replied so far

.

obis,
He is going through stuff right now as well and it is killing me that i can't help him with it. we haven't talked much this week, though he did ask me to be patient. So, I guess patience is some thing I need more of

....patience and I don't get along very well.

seek and lil,

Good to know that others have experienced the a similar feeling. Lil, I can't imagine having a Dom die. I've talked with some submissives who are left picking up the pieces for a long time...glad to know everything worked out for ya.

Yess! Katy that is how I feel, though I guess I'm still focused on being in a relationship and yet being very comfortable being single. My Mother always told me I was forever at opposite ends of the spectrum.

(in reply to KatyLied)

Post #: 6

RE: single too long? - 6/21/2007 11:19:03 PM

octavia

Posts: 377
Joined: 5/20/2007
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: littleone35

Well my story is a little my Dom died that is a pretty bad ending. It took me 9 months to even begin to look. I joined CM and a year later my Master joined and found me.

He was very different from my last Master, so it took a little while to get into the swing of things with a new person. Just give it time you will get in sync.

Matt's littleone

My Dom died too.
*hugs*

(in reply to littleone35)

Post #: 7

RE: single too long? - 6/22/2007 5:34:55 AM

slaveish

Posts: 1086
Joined: 2/19/2007
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: KatyLied

Years ago I was consumed with the thought of relationships and being part of a couple. Right now I can't even envision how it would work. I have some sort of self-imposed relationship seclusion going on. For me, it's a healthy thing. But I worry that at some point it will become dysfunctional.

Worrying that it will become dysfunctional seems a moot point. If you don't want a relationship, there is no one to add to the dysfunction, and thus your desires to remain free are perfectly functional.

When you find someone (IF you find someone) then you will, perhaps, want to be in a relationship again. The wish to remain alone will remove itself. You're a smart woman. I can't see you entering a relationship just to have a relationship.

I am certain you make good choices in all aspects of your life. If you find someone who interests you, I am certain you will be fully aware and respectful of his or her needs, as well as remain true to yourself, and thus nullify your fears of being dysfunctional.

It could well be that you never feel a need to be in another relationship. Whatever your decision - good for you! The only dysfunction I see is your fear of being dysfunctional. The world and its problems ebb and flow. All we can do is sway along with it.

_____________________________

You only lose what you cling to. ~~Gautama Sidharta

If we have no peace, it is because we have forgotten that we belong to each other. ~~Mother Teresa

(in reply to KatyLied)

Post #: 8

RE: single too long? - 6/22/2007 5:55:58 AM

KatyLied

Posts: 13029
Joined: 2/24/2005
From: Pennsylvania
Status: offline

quote:

The only dysfunction I see is your fear of being dysfunctional.

hehe...that is so me! I think I'm concerned because I see others frustrated in their searching, seeking, and making bad choices, yet brushing themselves off and continuing with the struggle. I don't want to indulge in that at this point.

quote:

The world and its problems ebb and flow. All we can do is sway along with it.

That is what I've been working on living. I call it allowing the universe to unfold before me as it will or won't.

_____________________________

“If you want to live a happy life, tie it to a goal, not to people or things.”
- Albert Einstein

(in reply to slaveish)

Post #: 9

RE: single too long? - 6/22/2007 6:33:43 AM

Viciousbabe

Posts: 61
Joined: 5/15/2006
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: KatyLied

That is what I've been working on living. I call it allowing the universe to unfold before me as it will or won't.

One of my favorite sayings is " If you mess with fate, fate will mess back." There was a time that I tried to make things happen and would set them in black and white, such as if he doesn't call by this time I refuse to speak with him. I was young(er) and dumb back then...

The trick for me has been learning to be more active in pursuing things with out trying to force them to happen

(in reply to KatyLied)

Post #: 10

RE: single too long? - 6/22/2007 6:57:00 AM

KatyLied

Posts: 13029
Joined: 2/24/2005
From: Pennsylvania
Status: offline

quote:

The trick for me has been learning to be more active in pursuing things with out trying to force them to happen

Yep. I guess it's more a: enjoy the journey and don't get too caught up in the destination sort of thing.

_____________________________

“If you want to live a happy life, tie it to a goal, not to people or things.”
- Albert Einstein

(in reply to Viciousbabe)

Post #: 11

RE: single too long? - 6/22/2007 9:52:58 AM

slaveish

Posts: 1086
Joined: 2/19/2007
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: KatyLied

quote:

The only dysfunction I see is your fear of being dysfunctional.

hehe...that is so me! I think I'm concerned because I see others frustrated in their searching, seeking, and making bad choices, yet brushing themselves off and continuing with the struggle. I don't want to indulge in that at this point.

quote:

The world and its problems ebb and flow. All we can do is sway along with it.

That is what I've been working on living. I call it allowing the universe to unfold before me as it will or won't.

~smiling~ Then I'd say you have it well in hand. Balance. It is the most we can possibly hope for and I am happy you have achieved it. Be well.

_____________________________

You only lose what you cling to. ~~Gautama Sidharta

If we have no peace, it is because we have forgotten that we belong to each other. ~~Mother Teresa

(in reply to KatyLied)

Post #: 12

RE: single too long? - 6/22/2007 5:36:26 PM

daddysliloneds

Posts: 1351
Joined: 6/28/2006
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: Viciousbabe

quote:

Has anyone had trouble getting into the swing of things with another person/ after a bad ending to a relationship?

actually, i've only had problems getting back into the swing of things after ending a good relationship, mainly because i needed to get over one before leaping into another...

it's extremely easy for me to do casual play that could possibly lead to a longer term thing after a bad relationship, and it's never been hard for me to tell anyone the way that i feel, whether that be 'please hit me harder' or 'i adore you' because truth be told, if either one of those things offended or upset the person i was with then i was wasting my time with them in the first place, casual play or not.

(in reply to Viciousbabe)

Post #: 13

RE: single too long? - 6/22/2007 8:51:49 PM

adoracat

Posts: 1779
Joined: 2/16/2007
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: octavia

quote:

ORIGINAL: littleone35

Well my story is a little my Dom died that is a pretty bad ending. It took me 9 months to even begin to look. I joined CM and a year later my Master joined and found me.

He was very different from my last Master, so it took a little while to get into the swing of things with a new person. Just give it time you will get in sync.

Matt's littleone

My Dom died too.
*hugs*

the two Dominants i was collared to before Sir both died.

*hugs both of you*

kitten, who still is grieving quietly over this.

(in reply to octavia)

Post #: 14

RE: single too long? - 6/22/2007 10:53:14 PM

charlotte12

Posts: 471
Joined: 5/9/2006
Status: offline

I think it's completely natural to be cautious entering into a relationship after being single for a while. I am sort of in the same boat right now. I have spent the last few years single, trying to figure myself out, my needs based on myself, not someone else and i get scared of losing that personal strength when i start to try to give myself to someone again. I would say it sounds like you are in a pretty good situation with someone who is being supportive.

I completely understand about getting impatient too. I don't know, the things you said have reminded me a lot of myself. Just keep on the path you're on and i think you'll be fine. It's great that you are trying out a relationship but recognize that you can be comfortable single as well. I know i had to get over my "desperation" to have someone else in order to feel ready to attempt a relationship again.

(in reply to Viciousbabe)

Post #: 15

RE: single too long? - 6/22/2007 11:00:27 PM

boy43

Posts: 44
Joined: 8/26/2004
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: charlotte12

I think it's completely natural to be cautious entering into a relationship after being single for a while. I am sort of in the same boat right now. I have spent the last few years single, trying to figure myself out, my needs based on myself, not someone else and i get scared of losing that personal strength when i start to try to give myself to someone again. I would say it sounds like you are in a pretty good situation with someone who is being supportive.

I completely understand about getting impatient too. I don't know, the things you said have reminded me a lot of myself. Just keep on the path you're on and i think you'll be fine. It's great that you are trying out a relationship but recognize that you can be comfortable single as well. I know i had to get over my "desperation" to have someone else in order to feel ready to attempt a relationship again.

so true, i am single but i have had long relationships (7 years) several times in my life. I have notice in my inner feelings some kind of resistance to give myself again... and perhaps its that i am focused in my own life after being alone some months ago again after a three years of a relationship. I understand perfectly what you are saying....

(in reply to charlotte12)

Post #: 16

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