Why rush into a D/s relationship? (Full Version)

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Shylahgirl -> Why rush into a D/s relationship? (6/23/2007 11:10:53 AM)

I’ve been around for a little while, about a year and a half. In that time I’ve wondered on to more then my shear of message boards to maybe get an idea of what things are like outside of my little corner of the world.
 
I’ve notice a disturbing thing going on in these message boards.  Submissives/slaves looking to meet a Dom/Domme. That in it’s self is not a bad thing… to be wanting to meet someone to play with maybe develop in to something more.
 
The thing that disturbs me is that these submissives/slaves are saying things like, “I’m looking for a Master to collar me…” or “I’m looking for a Mistress to own me… will move to where ever… I must give my self to a Mistress.”
 
Now those are shorten versions, of course.
 
But you all know what I mean. You see them all over the fucking place.
 
Submissives/slaves who are willing to hop on the next plain to China for a
Master that sounds all wonderful online, but never really backs up his stories or shows proof that the pic you’re looking at is really him.
 
I’ve seen subs all a twitter about finding the”perfect Master/Mistress”. Then after they quit their job, move across the county, the week after they meet this person, they find out that he/she doesn’t have the huge house, instead he has a room in mommy’s basement. He isn’t a Master of anything,, you’re lucky if the flogger doesn’t hit you in the head.. He isn’t a sexy model; instead he’s a fat, bolding, smelly, fuck who can’t reach his own ass to wipe it.
 
I’ve seen more then one submissive/slave regret an incident similar to that.
 
It mostly happens online.
 
But I’ve seen things like that in real life too.
 
Someone goes to their first party, meet and greet, or class (we have lost of classes in Utah) then the next time they show up a week or so latter their “collared” to “master fuck’s a lot” or “mistress piss on your face”.
 
Then over the next two weeks you see them grow more an more depressed.

Then when the relationship ends they disappear all together.
 
Why do these things happen?
 
Why don’t the majority of BDSMers take their time with relationships?
 
The I need a master/mistress threads or posts are like saying “I want a husband” then having 20 men say “I have the ring lest do it tomorrow”. I know D/s isn’t like marriage, but it is just as serious, if not more. You are giving your self to another person. You are making a commitment. For the submissive/slave, you are trusting this person with you physical and emotional wellbeing, you are trusting this person to beat you, cut you, humiliate you… that’s not something that should be just given away. Dom/Dommes are trusting this sub/slave in their homes… that is a huge liability.
 
Why don’t so many take their time?
 
What’s wrong with just playing every now and then?
 
Doing D/s on the weekends at first… then moving it to 4 days a week… then 5… ect.?

Shylah



MercTech -> RE: Why rush into a D/s relationship? (6/23/2007 11:24:33 AM)

You have reminded me of the things that send me to the horizon....

5 minutes into a first meeting with a sub describing what they want to do in a scene later in the evening.  Especially when done in a loud voice in a resturant.

Making a tentative date with a sub for a first meeting and being informed that there would be a scene after and where and when it would be and who else would be attending.

Escalating a second meeting way beyond what was first agreed to.  i.e. Meeting a sub in a town 170 miles away to meet some of their friends and attend a play party as a spectator escalating to them being collared by me for the weekend without my knowing about it beforehand.

I'm relatively new to the lifestyle and exploring the boundaries of what I cam comfortable with doing.  Comfortable as in finding what I can trust myself to do without going too far.

Being careful,
Stefan



octavia -> RE: Why rush into a D/s relationship? (6/23/2007 11:38:32 AM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: Shylahgirl

I’ve been around for a little while, about a year and a half. In that time I’ve wondered on to more then my shear of message boards to maybe get an idea of what things are like outside of my little corner of the world.
 
I’ve notice a disturbing thing going on in these message boards.  Submissives/slaves looking to meet a Dom/Domme. That in it’s self is not a bad thing… to be wanting to meet someone to play with maybe develop in to something more.
 
The thing that disturbs me is that these submissives/slaves are saying things like, “I’m looking for a Master to collar me…” or “I’m looking for a Mistress to own me… will move to where ever… I must give my self to a Mistress.”
 
Now those are shorten versions, of course.
 
But you all know what I mean. You see them all over the fucking place.
 
Submissives/slaves who are willing to hop on the next plain to China for a
Master that sounds all wonderful online, but never really backs up his stories or shows proof that the pic you’re looking at is really him.
 
I’ve seen subs all a twitter about finding the”perfect Master/Mistress”. Then after they quit their job, move across the county, the week after they meet this person, they find out that he/she doesn’t have the huge house, instead he has a room in mommy’s basement. He isn’t a Master of anything,, you’re lucky if the flogger doesn’t hit you in the head.. He isn’t a sexy model; instead he’s a fat, bolding, smelly, fuck who can’t reach his own ass to wipe it.
 
I’ve seen more then one submissive/slave regret an incident similar to that.
 
It mostly happens online.
 
But I’ve seen things like that in real life too.
 
Someone goes to their first party, meet and greet, or class (we have lost of classes in Utah) then the next time they show up a week or so latter their “collared” to “master fuck’s a lot” or “mistress piss on your face”.
 
Then over the next two weeks you see them grow more an more depressed.

Then when the relationship ends they disappear all together.
 
Why do these things happen?
 
Why don’t the majority of BDSMers take their time with relationships?
 
The I need a master/mistress threads or posts are like saying “I want a husband” then having 20 men say “I have the ring lest do it tomorrow”. I know D/s isn’t like marriage, but it is just as serious, if not more. You are giving your self to another person. You are making a commitment. For the submissive/slave, you are trusting this person with you physical and emotional wellbeing, you are trusting this person to beat you, cut you, humiliate you… that’s not something that should be just given away. Dom/Dommes are trusting this sub/slave in their homes… that is a huge liability.
 
Why don’t so many take their time?
 
What’s wrong with just playing every now and then?
 
Doing D/s on the weekends at first… then moving it to 4 days a week… then 5… ect.?

Shylah



Why do you care what other subs do?  If they rush or don't rush.. how on earth does it effect you?  If anything, they are weeding out the Dom's you clearly (as per your nasty description) have no interest in.
And...
Why do negative people feel the need to post negative posts on the boards all focused on other people and other people faults and sortcomings.  For those of us who are here to learn and grow, it gets old.
sorry to come across so short, but frankly, I'm tired of listening to people tear others down. 



VeryMercurial -> RE: Why rush into a D/s relationship? (6/23/2007 11:50:03 AM)

I agree, most smart people don't rush into relationships.
If you are over 21, you have to take responsibility for your choices.
The good ones and the stupid ones.
We see plenty of both around here.
At some point, those that make poor choices will grow up.
If not, it is their life to do as they see fit.



Cloudz -> RE: Why rush into a D/s relationship? (6/23/2007 11:54:59 AM)

To the OP,

I did not dissect your entire post - but overall, at face value. It has merit. There does seem to be a tremendous rush to connect often in this lifestyle. I enjoyed your point of view.



velvetears -> RE: Why rush into a D/s relationship? (6/23/2007 12:02:21 PM)

People are vulnerable and make mistakes. They get caught up in the frenzy of needing to experience things NOW, so they make poor decisions based on too little real information too quickly.  Lonliness and isolation can make a desperate person do lot's of foolish things. The old are scammed all the time, Widowed woman are taken advantage of and milked of all their money by men knowing their vulnerability and preying upon them.  It's called being human, making mistakes, hopefullly learning and growing from them in the process. It doesn;t make them bad people, just poor decision makers.  Some walk away devestated, broken, feeling humiliated and they retreat further from life than before.  Why not put up another cross to crucufy the doms, masters, tops, trainers who do this to them and not just focus on the subs? 



ownedgirlie -> RE: Why rush into a D/s relationship? (6/23/2007 12:04:09 PM)

Many people just want a place to belong.  I don't see slaves wanting to be collared any differently than I see vanilla girls wanting to be married.  I tell them both the same - without the right person, it's not all it's cracked up to be.

Other than that, I don't give it much thought.  As a slave, I needed to serve.  It was hard for me not to, for many reasons.  I suspect others experience the same kind of issues. I  do not begrudge them those issues.  We're all human, we all have our weaknesses.  Instead of harping on them as though I am better, I try to be compassionate and caring, and hope they find what they're looking for.



TemptingNviceSub -> RE: Why rush into a D/s relationship? (6/23/2007 12:22:31 PM)

I agree, however it is not just in this lifestyle, it is any and all lifestyles.Face it we are moving in a fast food, fast paced,cannot wait to save for this, gotta have it now society.And the funny and sad thing is, is that it stems from loneliness. We as individuals have isolated ourselves right into the desperate need to connect to someone, something.How many times do we as a people go out with cell phone blue tooth hooked to our ears,focused on this or that in our lives and not really out there making eye contact or interacting with those about us.Face to face conversation, and integration is practically extinct.And we also have replaced reality with fantasy.The fantasy is you will meet that perfect man, with the face of an angel and a bit of wicked in his soul and to top that he must be intelligient,funny,sexy,well spoken,educated, and very well off,the reality is he is a hard working man,with a bit of a pot belly,who is intelligient,slightly wicked and has 2 UM's that he is supporting, and he drives a car older than your 15 year old dog.So what do you do?..You wait for Mr. Perfection, for you deserve such, and you also remain isolated and alone....Sad to think that we have been advertised to death into expecting perfection, when there is no such thing, but in our isolation that is all we know....Tempting



macy -> RE: Why rush into a D/s relationship? (6/23/2007 12:28:51 PM)

Personally, I don't see it happening anymore in BDSM/D/s/M/s relationships as I do in those that are not centered around these dynamics. People rush into relationships all the time for various reasons; an orientation of submissive/slave etc has nothing to do with it.



CreativeDominant -> RE: Why rush into a D/s relationship? (6/23/2007 12:49:17 PM)

There can be just as many reasons for rushing into a D/s relationship as there are for rushing into a vanilla relationship.

Many female submissives do so because they are horny but do not want to give themselves to someone that they are not in a relationship with so they rush it along.  Many male dominants want to get laid so they move into the relationship quicklly because they recognize they aren't getting any without the relationship being established.  Ironically, they both are guilty of not using that honesty that they both place out there as a drawing card and just saying to each other..."God, I want to have wild crazy sex with you, my partner or not".  The same can be said for BDSM play without the sex.  For many, they look to the spiritual or emotional connection that can take place during BDSM play and they cannot separate a casual connection from a more intimate, intense connection...or will NOT do so...and so, they allow themselves to attach themselves to who they have played with who has touched that spot.

Many dominants rush into a relationship because they have been too long without a submissive and they just have to have someone to dominate.  They need the ego stroke of a submissive who is now submitting to them and pleasing them and on and on.  Many submissives rush into a relationship because they have not been dominated in a long time and they need someone controlling and commanding them and feeding them praise phrases.

Many dominants and submissives rush into a relationship because they look in a mirror and give themselves a perhaps-more-critical-self-appraisal and realize they are not getting any younger...in fact, the clock is ticking and life is going on.

In the long run, it can be frustrating on so many levels.  You want to get to know someone and you think you might even like to "kick the tires" a bit but they don't want to do that.  So now, do you walk away and start over?  Do you convince them it is O.K. to kick the tires a bit?  Or do you enter into a deeper relationship than what either of you is realistically/emotionally ready for because it's what you "should" do?  Myself...I walk away.  At my age, I am not entering into something long-term until I am ready and part of that readiness at this stage in my life is a building up of the things we do together, not just a "hold off, hold off, hold off...................now we're there."  But...that's me.  Others are going to do things their way.  And I have no problem with that.  I observe it...and if it affects MY world or those I care about, I care but otherwise, I am somewhat...though not quite all the way...like octavia.  It just doesn't bother me.  I can't fix the world.

I think Tempting Nvice Sub made some good points also.  Sometimes, we get pulled in every direction by so many things in life that relationships become just one more thing and, after all...with kids, career, friends, the latest reality show, the latest book, the latest diet, etc. pulling at you...who can take time to build a relationship through slow exploration.



angelic -> RE: Why rush into a D/s relationship? (6/23/2007 12:54:01 PM)

i used to be one of those who thought i had to have a Man/Master/Dom in order to be.  Somewhere along the lines i found out i didn't have to and that i am actually pretty ok without one.  In fact, i have sort of made a 180 degree turn.  Nowadays the thought of having a Master/Dom terrifies me.  Most cannot hold my attention for very long.  Not sure why that is tho.  Probably has something to do with growing. 



winterlight -> RE: Why rush into a D/s relationship? (6/23/2007 2:58:33 PM)

You took the words right out of my mouth Tempting... You hit the nail on the head... That is what has happened to us as a society. Nobody has any patience any more. You take the time and effort to find the right One. Everybody is worried about me, me, me any more. People need to slow down and enjoy themselves and other people. People need to connect with others and not use a computer or phone as their main way of meeting people. I go to munches and come on here to see what people write and to also learn. I also learn from people at the munches. The more i learn the better off i am.. That is why i am really taking it slow to learn and get to know people.



junecleaver -> RE: Why rush into a D/s relationship? (6/23/2007 5:21:57 PM)

Those other submissive act in this manner so that those of us with infinite patience and the fortune of already finding our partner can look even better than we already do.  Duh.

People are scared and they are looking for something to calm them.  You are human and I know that if you allow yourself to, you can relate to that.  Some people do drugs to fill those 'holes' in their lives.  Other people just date assholes until they finally learn their lesson.  It's really nothing amazing or that upsetting.





Stephann -> RE: Why rush into a D/s relationship? (6/23/2007 5:38:19 PM)

Shocking what flows in the gutter of human misery.

I'd say on a 1-10 scale of human misery, it's sitting at around a 3, between a 2.9 for paper cuts and a 3.1 with the smell of wet dog in the house. 

I don't think it merits the liberal use of fuck, at any rate; it cheapens the real meaning of the word.

Stephan



tricia -> RE: Why rush into a D/s relationship? (6/23/2007 5:59:26 PM)

quote:

What’s wrong with just playing every now and then?


quote:

Doing D/s on the weekends at first… then moving it to 4 days a week… then 5… ect.? 


I imagine there is still a huge liability in playing every now and then with these people who you are trusting to 'cut you, humiliate you and beat you'.
 
 
Personally, i don't waste my time in relationships of any kind where i can't walk away thinking i'm a better person for having it - whether casual or long term.  But, i believe most people think that in order for a relationship to be meaningful or beneficial in any way - it has to end in happily ever after.  I suspect alot of these same people are missing out on some wonderful experiences.
 
My second theory - sometimes there is no rhyme or reason.  Sometimes the time is 'now.'  Perhaps i'm naive but i still believe in fate.  In instinct.  I knew i had found the man and master of my dreams the moment i laid eyes on him.  It's been two years and when and if it ends, it surely won't be because i didn't waste months or years deciding if it was "right." 
 
The bright side - "mistress piss on your face" or "Master fucks alot" is entirely too busy collaring and uncollaring to contact you.

Edited to add:  June, this wasn't really in reply to you :)



Wildfleurs -> RE: Why rush into a D/s relationship? (6/23/2007 6:50:58 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: Shylahgirl
 

Why don’t so many take their time?
 
What’s wrong with just playing every now and then?
 
Doing D/s on the weekends at first… then moving it to 4 days a week… then 5… ect.?

Shylah



You are joking right?  I mean I remember very recently a thread where your dominant/owner/master collared a woman a month and a half after literally rescuing her from an abusive live in relationship.  If thats not rushing things, I don't know what is.

And no, I don't mean for this to be personal, but yet when your business is all over the boards and directly contradicting posts, it is a little strange.

C~

Edited to add: I went and re-looked at the thread, I was wrong it was a little after a week before your dominant/owner/master claimed the woman.



slaveish -> RE: Why rush into a D/s relationship? (6/23/2007 7:36:33 PM)

Shylah, I understand your point. I guess I'm just getting old. I feel like my grandma: "Why the rush? Take things slow!" Guess the old girl knew what she was talking about after all.

A lot of us have rushed into relationships without thinking. I know it netted me a couple of vanilla husbands and a herd of ... um ... let's call them "boyfriends". Hopefully we live, learn, and grow wiser.

And, hopefully, we can pass on our own wisdom without making the intended audience feel like I felt when I half-listened to Grammy, just ~knowing~ I was far too worldly for her crazy advice.

Bah. Who am I kidding? Just call me Crazy Ol' Auntie ish.



becca333 -> RE: Why rush into a D/s relationship? (6/23/2007 8:09:15 PM)

It's important to take time, have a few vanilla meetings, get to know the person in real.  Talk, investigate, take plenty of time and care.  There's no need at all to rush.  Let things move slowly.

Of course, I did none of that, I jumped right in but I was lucky and it all worked out well anyway.  But I think everyone ELSE should take more time and care.



persiphone -> RE: Why rush into a D/s relationship? (6/23/2007 8:42:41 PM)

My thoughts on this are simple, you don't rush into it. I will say that rushing however is subjective, not all have the same definition of " rushing ". The best thing is open communication and discussing when there are problems and such. If one or both don't know or understand and no one says anything, they move along as though everything was ok.



crouchingtigress -> RE: Why rush into a D/s relationship? (6/23/2007 8:50:49 PM)

yeah...damn right...where the hell do people get off not doing exactly what i think they should do?

lets start a club and not let them in.




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