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Coping Skills - Learning/Unlearning - 6/23/2007 8:56:00 PM

kyraofMists

Posts: 3292
Joined: 7/29/2005
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I did not discover authority transfer relationships until I was in my mid 30's. I am also a recovering people pleaser. As a young adult I had to learn a lot of coping skills to maintain a healthy balance in my life. I had to learn to say no to people and to start doing things to make myself happy and not try to please everyone else. As a submissive who desired to transfer all authority to my partner this was not a rewarding experience in my relationships. I was already relatively independent by nature, but the way I learned to cope in a mainstream world only intensified this.

Many of the ways I learned to manage my life do not serve me well in my relationship as a slave. I am having to unlearn many of them and it is as challenging to unlearn them as it was to learn them in the first place.

For those who discovered this type of authority dynamic later in your adulthood, did you have to learn skills that were contrary to your nature that you had to unlearn when you started a relationship? Any other thoughts and experiences that you wish to share?

Knight's Kyra

_____________________________

"Passion... it lies in all of us. Sleeping, waiting, and though unbidden, it will stir, open its jaws, and howl. It speaks to us, guides us... passion rules us all. And we obey..." ~Angelus

Post #: 1

RE: Coping Skills - Learning/Unlearning - 6/23/2007 9:17:14 PM

mythi

Posts: 257
Joined: 2/25/2007
From: Naples, FL
Status: offline

Most definitely. As I stated recently in another thread, for me I think it's mostly a matter of learning to trust him to take care of me. It's hard to unlearn years of having to watch my own back, and being the one to make sure everything gets done that needs to, when it needs to...a role I loathe and which causes me untold stress regardless of my sucess at it. I'm also much better at nurturing others than allowing myself to be nurtured, which is probably related to the trust issue. If (when, I mean when!) he can ever teach me to relax it'll be so good for the both of us!

_____________________________

“The truth doesn’t change based on our ability to stomach it.”
Flannery O’Connor

(in reply to kyraofMists)

Post #: 2

RE: Coping Skills - Learning/Unlearning - 6/23/2007 9:29:17 PM

crouchingtigress

Posts: 4387
Joined: 3/19/2006
From: Maui
Status: offline

aloha kyra,

i would not call it unlearning, i would call it expanding my frame of reference, and shifting my paradigm in a way the better serves me.

and yes, i do it everyday, not just in d/s but in business, friendships, science, spirituality and well...honestly in most everything i do.

i love expanding mentally, and i really love expanding emotionally and spiritually....(lol just not physically)

_____________________________

Service slut, durable plaything, and ponypenquincatdogpig, to Lee Harrington

This is him

"Its none of my buisness what other people think of me."

(in reply to mythi)

Post #: 3

RE: Coping Skills - Learning/Unlearning - 6/23/2007 10:02:12 PM

YourShyPet

Posts: 185
Joined: 6/30/2006
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: kyraofMists

I did not discover authority transfer relationships until I was in my mid 30's. I am also a recovering people pleaser. As a young adult I had to learn a lot of coping skills to maintain a healthy balance in my life. I had to learn to say no to people and to start doing things to make myself happy and not try to please everyone else. As a submissive who desired to transfer all authority to my partner this was not a rewarding experience in my relationships. I was already relatively independent by nature, but the way I learned to cope in a mainstream world only intensified this.

Many of the ways I learned to manage my life do not serve me well in my relationship as a slave. I am having to unlearn many of them and it is as challenging to unlearn them as it was to learn them in the first place.

For those who discovered this type of authority dynamic later in your adulthood, did you have to learn skills that were contrary to your nature that you had to unlearn when you started a relationship? Any other thoughts and experiences that you wish to share?

Knight's Kyra

I've definatly had to work on.... letting go... I was raised from as far back as I can remember to be completely independent in everyway possible... I struggled badly in the beginning not to pull back hard against my Daddy... and I still have moments, and sure I will for a long time to come where I literally have to mentally check myself when I am with him... granted I am submissive to him... and only for lack of a better term ... a part time basis... but as time goes on it's much like for me.... a hot summer day, and a nice but very cool pool... and I've found that running and jumping off the diving board is not me.... I'm the type of person who starts with dipping my toes in... then putting my feet in... etc.

_____________________________

kittin

http://www.myspace.com/daddys_kittin

(in reply to kyraofMists)

Post #: 4

RE: Coping Skills - Learning/Unlearning - 6/23/2007 10:02:20 PM

becca333

Posts: 1050
Joined: 4/11/2006
Status: offline

I call it growth and change, not unlearning.

(in reply to crouchingtigress)

Post #: 5

RE: Coping Skills - Learning/Unlearning - 6/23/2007 10:49:15 PM

countrygirl69

Posts: 36
Joined: 12/1/2006
Status: offline

it was and still is hard for me having been raised by a single independant mom who always taught us we didnt need a man let alone let them run your life .I agree with what some others have said though its just part of the growth we all go through on a continuous basis in this wonderful experience

(in reply to becca333)

Post #: 6

RE: Coping Skills - Learning/Unlearning - 6/24/2007 7:06:17 AM

SeeksOnlyOne

Posts: 2012
Joined: 5/14/2007
Status: offline

i will watch this thread with great interest.....i often wonder how i would do giving up one moment of the solitude i have learned to adore in the past 5 years, how i will give up the "my mood dictates the mood of my household" that i have loved since leaving a 20 year marriage.

kyra, i must say, reading your posts has made me smile and think-and i believe if anyone is capable of this, you are.

best wishes to you on your journey

_____________________________

it aint no good til it hurts just a little bit....jimmy somerville

in those moments of solitude, does everyone sometimes think they are insane? or is it just me?

(in reply to kyraofMists)

Post #: 7

RE: Coping Skills - Learning/Unlearning - 6/24/2007 9:38:36 AM

ownedgirlie

Posts: 9184
Joined: 2/5/2006
Status: offline

Like someone else said - for me it wasn't a matter of unlearning but a matter of learning the right things, so that the previous coping skills didn't have to come up anymore. The previous coping skills were my baggage. Once I learned a healthier way of thinking and living, I let go of the baggage.

Things I had to learn - Be still; Ask for help (huge for me); Accept the help of others (equally huge for me); Express myself more clearly (this allowed me to be heard, which let me let go of a lot of my anxiey); Like myself; Be comfortable with my body; Submit to no one but him (I was submissive to most males and that bought me a lot of pain);

In doing these things, I let go of that which was holding me back - fears, insecurity, baggage, a huge defensive attitude, an insane ability to read the worst drama into any situation and run with it, the annoying habit of repeating myself constantly because I was used to not being heard.

Developing the strengths helped me lose the crap that didn't work for me anymore. He focused on building up those strengths and disciplining me away from the crap. Not being heard was a big one for me - He heard me. First person who really did. Until I felt secure that he was truly listening, I argued, battled, resented, repeated...(he never let me get far). Over time I could see how learning to express myself clearly and calmly rendered me much more positive results, and things began to fall into place.

When I speak of training, this is what I'm talking about - training/learning to be heatlhy, and to let the me who I've been needing to be come out.

(in reply to kyraofMists)

Post #: 8

RE: Coping Skills - Learning/Unlearning - 6/24/2007 10:01:49 AM

slaveish

Posts: 1086
Joined: 2/19/2007
Status: offline

kyra, I'm with you. I had to unlearn a lot of behaviors. It sounds as though you and I have similar emotional backgrounds.

_____________________________

You only lose what you cling to. ~~Gautama Sidharta

If we have no peace, it is because we have forgotten that we belong to each other. ~~Mother Teresa

(in reply to ownedgirlie)

Post #: 9

RE: Coping Skills - Learning/Unlearning - 6/24/2007 10:20:51 AM

kyraofMists

Posts: 3292
Joined: 7/29/2005
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: crouchingtigress

aloha kyra,

i would not call it unlearning, i would call it expanding my frame of reference, and shifting my paradigm in a way the better serves me.

and yes, i do it everyday, not just in d/s but in business, friendships, science, spirituality and well...honestly in most everything i do.

i love expanding mentally, and i really love expanding emotionally and spiritually....(lol just not physically)

aloha ct, (that word makes me think of flowers, sand and surf *g*)

A shifting focus or expanded focus is a great way to think about it. Many of the behaviors that I learned in my life are extremely healthy and beneficial for me. However, in my relationship with my Lord they limit us because my focus is too narrow. Outside of my relationship with him, he still expects me to maintain these behaviors and keep a healthy balance in my life. In a lot of ways it is a shift from an independent self to an inter-dependent relationship with two other people.

I have to concur; I love to expand mentally, emotionally and spiritually; it gives me great joy to do this.

Knight's Kyra

_____________________________

"Passion... it lies in all of us. Sleeping, waiting, and though unbidden, it will stir, open its jaws, and howl. It speaks to us, guides us... passion rules us all. And we obey..." ~Angelus

(in reply to crouchingtigress)

Post #: 10

RE: Coping Skills - Learning/Unlearning - 6/24/2007 10:24:53 AM

kyraofMists

Posts: 3292
Joined: 7/29/2005
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: SeeksOnlyOne
i will watch this thread with great interest.....i often wonder how i would do giving up one moment of the solitude i have learned to adore in the past 5 years, how i will give up the "my mood dictates the mood of my household" that i have loved since leaving a 20 year marriage.

kyra, i must say, reading your posts has made me smile and think-and i believe if anyone is capable of this, you are.

best wishes to you on your journey

Thank you very much.

Solitude is definitely going to be a challenge when I move into the house.... 7 people, 5 cats, 1 dog and various fish will make for a busy house. *g*

Best wishes to you as well.

Knight's Kyra

_____________________________

"Passion... it lies in all of us. Sleeping, waiting, and though unbidden, it will stir, open its jaws, and howl. It speaks to us, guides us... passion rules us all. And we obey..." ~Angelus

(in reply to SeeksOnlyOne)

Post #: 11

RE: Coping Skills - Learning/Unlearning - 6/24/2007 11:36:29 AM

alandraofMists

Posts: 187
Joined: 8/4/2005
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: kyraofMists

Solitude is definitely going to be a challenge when I move into the house.... 7 people, 5 cats, 1 dog and various fish will make for a busy house. *g*

Best wishes to you as well.

Knight's Kyra

*g* add in a frog and two snails to that list too

Knight's alandra

(in reply to kyraofMists)

Post #: 12

RE: Coping Skills - Learning/Unlearning - 6/24/2007 11:40:52 AM

kyraofMists

Posts: 3292
Joined: 7/29/2005
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: alandraofMists

quote:

ORIGINAL: kyraofMists
Solitude is definitely going to be a challenge when I move into the house.... 7 people, 5 cats, 1 dog and various fish will make for a busy house. *g*

*g* add in a frog and two snails to that list too

Just as long as it isn't snakes or lizards...

_____________________________

"Passion... it lies in all of us. Sleeping, waiting, and though unbidden, it will stir, open its jaws, and howl. It speaks to us, guides us... passion rules us all. And we obey..." ~Angelus

(in reply to alandraofMists)

Post #: 13

RE: Coping Skills - Learning/Unlearning - 6/24/2007 11:43:58 AM

alandraofMists

Posts: 187
Joined: 8/4/2005
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: kyraofMists

quote:

ORIGINAL: alandraofMists

quote:

ORIGINAL: kyraofMists
Solitude is definitely going to be a challenge when I move into the house.... 7 people, 5 cats, 1 dog and various fish will make for a busy house. *g*

*g* add in a frog and two snails to that list too

Just as long as it isn't snakes or lizards...

well the UM's are now asking for a hamster and a talking bird... they think those ones would be interesting since they can not have what they reallyu want... the snakes and lizards.
*grins* i don't see what is wrong with snakes andlizards they are as cuddly as some cats are *eg*

Knight's alandra

(in reply to kyraofMists)

Post #: 14

RE: Coping Skills - Learning/Unlearning - 6/25/2007 3:29:47 AM

Celeste43

Posts: 3066
Joined: 2/4/2006
From: NYS
Status: offline

My experience is the opposite of the op's. Having one designated person to please, who is careful not to take advantage of me in this way has helped me be stronger in taking care of myself. I am much less of a people pleaser in general.

But it helps that he wants emotional transparency much more than obedience or service. So much so that I am required to tell him when I need a break, don't have any interest in what he wants, or just want to be left alone to finish the last chapter in the book and find out who the murderer really is. He doesn't want me weaker at all.

(in reply to alandraofMists)

Post #: 15

RE: Coping Skills - Learning/Unlearning - 6/25/2007 5:54:23 AM

sublimelysensual

Posts: 298
Joined: 7/25/2005
Status: offline

I think a lot of us probably suffer from the people pleasing thing, it wasn't until I hit 22-23 that I was able to stop, focus and say all right..I can't do this anymore. Even with that though, it's always been more of something I've stifled than truly stopped altogether. Part of what I love about it now, is that I feel so much more "me" when I can let that part of myself out to run wild, so to speak.
I've been divorced for almost three years now, and I have gotten very used to focusing on my and my um's needs. It is something I worry about when I find the right relationship, but at the same time, I know it will be completely worth it. I'm more than willing to give up some of the independence for the joy of being who I truly am much more often than what I can be now. I also love to grow and push myself, so we'll see what happens.
Thank you for posting this kyra, it made me think, and once again, I found myself nodding in agreement with you...

-a

_____________________________

"To make oneself an object, to make oneself passive, is a very different thing from being a passive object." -Simone De Beauvoir -'The Second Sex'

(in reply to Celeste43)

Post #: 16

RE: Coping Skills - Learning/Unlearning - 6/25/2007 6:07:41 AM

atendersoul

Posts: 167
Joined: 10/20/2006
Status: offline

First of all, there has to be an openness to your desire in what you wish to become with the One. A close mind never grows.
I am in the same situation, having served One until His death, 7 years of being on my own and now entering the House of Wolf....
One lesson this one has seen is to gauge and choose your words well when becoming into a new situation. Allow what is told of the past to be sharing so the New will not think that it is comparing One to another One....

(in reply to sublimelysensual)

Post #: 17

RE: Coping Skills - Learning/Unlearning - 6/25/2007 6:12:50 AM

SlND3R3LLA

Posts: 118
Joined: 6/19/2007
Status: offline

I can't really think of anything I have had to unlearn, other than learning to accept that someone actually cared and would stick around.

I have always been very independent, but I still am in pretty much everything I do. Yes, I do ask before making big choices, but it's not out of my normal character of talking things over with someone before I do them (be it my mom, or a friend).

I don't think that our M/s relationship is as strict as some, but that works well for us. I don't know that I wouldn't grow to resent someone totally pulling that independence out of me at some point. I have always taken care of things and of myself in most ways. There are things I don't worry about in this relationship that I did in others or while on my own. I don't know if that has to do with the authority transfer, or the fact that I just know he will do all he can to take care of us.

I do think I have become less wishy-washy in making my choices though. Master doesn't like me changing my mind, or going over things again and again (a habit of mine). This is part of my personality and one that I am still working on. It makes him very impatient though, so I know it's something I have to take care of at some point. I think that more has to do with me doubting my own decision making skills. I don't want to mess my life up, so I worry each time there is something major. I don't know if that is a coping skill, but I think in some ways it is. It makes it so I can either put things off and not have to choose, or it puts it off so that someone else (he) can make the choice for me.

_____________________________

And in that moment, everything I knew to be true about myself up until then was gone. I was acting like another woman, yet I was more myself than ever before. ~F

To hell with diamonds, lube is a girls best friend ;)

(in reply to kyraofMists)

Post #: 18

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