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Falling sub for the wrong guy. - 6/25/2007 4:55:25 PM   
ClockworkWings


Posts: 5
Joined: 6/25/2007
Status: offline 		I am sorry if this is jumping the gun a little but I felt compelled to ask for advice.

Normally I have trust issues. I never have and was convinced I never will submit myself completely to anyone. People before  have tried to dominate me and my instinct immediately prevented them from getting to far.

Naturally I think that complete submission isn;t for me. This is fine and I can live with this... again  until I met him. I have not even met this man on a BDSM site or even a dating site. He was an old friend that I randomly reaquainted with I was in a transition in my life so it was nice to get a new friend or two.

He tells me he has a girlfriend. This at the time does not bother on bit in fact I was happy for him that he had found I nice girl given the circumstances I remember him being in before.

We talk about nothing in particular, bad movies,  random jokes, but as we talk we felt ourselves become increasingly attached to one another. Then We begin to talk on the phone (my friend is or was a strictly online friend ). Things became more intimate unfortunately..before I even knew what his sexual interests were I found myself with the increasing desire to be his pet and he sensed this almost immediately.

Both of us never really actively participated in the BSDM lifestyle yet as we talked we found out more and more that we were interested in that same things.. that our limitations were the same as well..

Unfortunately around this time my depression had hit 6 months after getting out of a terrible situation which he has helped me get through even suggesting that I visit him to at least get away from town for a few days.

I know I should have known better but I didn't. He was a great comfort to me  and a great friend... despite something that should not have happened that happening. I accept he has a girlfriend and I accept that I may never have him. (though I will admit I would prefer otherwise) but as of late he has been distant.. even with our random conversation.

If I could I would take my honesty of my feelings for him back I would take what I have done back if only to get my friend back, but I'm almost convinced that I truly have botched it up.

Mind you he still acts as  a friend of sorts but is reserved and keeping himself in check or distracting him with millions of other things. Its a rare moment when I catch him off guard and he his honest again  So for now I am dropping contact with him.(also his life has become hectic which I have witnessed but intincts tell me he is also a little conflicted with this..) I know I need to go on.

So my question is.. what is a girl to do to get over all of this?
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RE: Falling sub for the wrong guy. - 6/25/2007 5:11:42 PM   
MHOO314


Posts: 3628
Joined: 9/26/2004
Status: offline 		have a martini and a cigarette, if its meant to be it will be.

< Message edited by MHOO314 -- 6/25/2007 5:16:33 PM >

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RE: Falling sub for the wrong guy. - 6/25/2007 5:34:30 PM   
velvetears


Posts: 2933
Joined: 6/19/2006
Status: offline 		FR

There is always a risk when we have a great friend of the opposite sex, if we allow it to go intimate we risk loosing that friend forever if the relationship doesn't work out.  You both discovered something new about yourselves which you share together, that bonded you and i think his retreating like he did shows that this experience scared him a little because it obviously threatened his relationship with his girl friend. 

You never know what the future may bring. They aren't married, they could break up, he might decide to stay, he may decide to leave and try to hook back up with you... it's just to early to tell.  Don't put your life on hold waiting for him and like MHOO314 said if it's meant to be it will be.

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RE: Falling sub for the wrong guy. - 6/25/2007 5:37:28 PM   
LadyPaige


Posts: 187
Joined: 5/7/2007
Status: offline 		At least he seems to have a conscience.  Respect that he has a girlfriend and has chosen to distance himself and keep the IMs and E-mails casual.  Perhaps if/when he breaks up with her you'll have a chance.  In the meantime, go on with your life.

(in reply to ClockworkWings)
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RE: Falling sub for the wrong guy. - 6/25/2007 6:01:13 PM   
ClockworkWings


Posts: 5
Joined: 6/25/2007
Status: offline 		Thank you everyone for words of encouragement. I usually take the pessimistic route and assume he will stick with said girlfriend. And I have a personal rule of not breaking up relationships whether if it would be in my benefit or not. I do hope with separation I can at least be a good friend again.

But what I'm curious about is what are some things people do to move on. But I think will take  MHOO314's advice have  a drink .

(in reply to LadyPaige)
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RE: Falling sub for the wrong guy. - 6/25/2007 6:16:42 PM   
aparootsa


Posts: 49
Joined: 5/2/2007
Status: offline 		It's a hard spot you're in, true, and (at least for me) the hardest thing to do is the right one.  Be just a friend to him - not a special friend, not a tempting one, but just a friend - and you'll keep the bond you have left with him.  Once you don't think about him with desire, things will be far better, and the bonds of friends are both strong and dynamic.  You've had a good friendship, a tenuous romance, and now you've got a chance for another friendship (possibly).  Go for that and let the future bring what it may. Best,Aaron "If you can have love for one day, man, just one day, you don't spend it crying about the other 364, man, 'cause that one day is all you got.  And tomorrow never f***ing comes, man, it's all the same damn day."  ~Janis Joplin

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RE: Falling sub for the wrong guy. - 6/25/2007 6:20:41 PM   
Mystique567


Posts: 273
Joined: 6/11/2006
Status: offline 		I went out and had an awesome play session (I don't drink) with a friend. I agree with everyone to keep the emails casual, but don't loose the connection. Even as a friend it sounds great.

(in reply to ClockworkWings)
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RE: Falling sub for the wrong guy. - 6/25/2007 6:25:57 PM   
Masque66


Posts: 185
Joined: 5/4/2007
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: ClockworkWings

Thank you everyone for words of encouragement. I usually take the pessimistic route and assume he will stick with said girlfriend. And I have a personal rule of not breaking up relationships whether if it would be in my benefit or not. I do hope with separation I can at least be a good friend again.

But what I'm curious about is what are some things people do to move on. But I think will take  MHOO314's advice have  a drink .


That's a good rule to follow.  Breaking up relationships, or even trying to could ruin both relationships for him.

The drink sounds like a good idea.  The smoke, not so much.

(in reply to ClockworkWings)
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RE: Falling sub for the wrong guy. - 6/25/2007 6:32:00 PM   
MellowSir


Posts: 260
Joined: 4/17/2007
Status: offline 		Be patient, keep your eyes open for a (single) dom, and go get laid for cryin' out loud lol

(in reply to ClockworkWings)
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RE: Falling sub for the wrong guy. - 6/25/2007 6:37:32 PM   
ClockworkWings


Posts: 5
Joined: 6/25/2007
Status: offline 		My main reason for blocking contact with him for now is so that I can clear my head for a little bit. Again I will admit that I'm a fairly pesimisstic person with alot of things, but that does not deter me from salvaging a friendship.

I value close relationships I  have with people I care about. I suppose that's why it hurts most.

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RE: Falling sub for the wrong guy. - 6/25/2007 6:38:43 PM   
ClockworkWings


Posts: 5
Joined: 6/25/2007
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: MellowSir

Be patient, keep your eyes open for a (single) dom, and go get laid for cryin' out loud lol


Haha! oh if it were only that easy!

(in reply to MellowSir)
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RE: Falling sub for the wrong guy. - 6/25/2007 7:26:32 PM   
MamaDomme


Posts: 283
Joined: 12/28/2006
Status: offline 		I know that it will be hard to do, but you can get thru this.  The hurt will linger for a bit, but the advice you have gotten to just get back out there,  is really good.

*round of martinis on me*

(in reply to ClockworkWings)
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RE: Falling sub for the wrong guy. - 6/26/2007 6:19:14 AM   
GhitaAmati


Posts: 3263
Joined: 5/30/2007
Status: offline 		The advice to take a small break is great, don't cut off contact compleatly, but back off for a bit, go jump back in the wading pool of single subbies, go out on a date (even if its a vanilla one), go find a group of girls to hang out with at a bar or dance club, if it were me Id go to a football game or go hunting...but I doubt most girls feel the way I do. I'd stay away from the smokes, and I wouldnt sit at home and drink..can lead to more depression...


8 years ago, I met a wonderful Dom in the town where I used to live. He was married, and I knew his wife kinda. Over the years he was a great source of strength for me. Whenever I needed to talk, or ask questions about my experiances in the lifestyle, he was there, as a wonderful friend, confidant, and mentor.  After about 3 years of chatting, both online and off, i was once again having trouble in my own relationship, and when it ended, I turned to him for advice, and well...ended up with alot more. It didnt take long for me to end up with his collar. The time I was collared to him was wonderful, I will still to this day describe my relationship with him when asked to describe the perfect Dom. Unfortunantly, even though I had fallen in compleate love with him, he was still married, and it tore us apart over time. After losing his collar, I moved out of town, I didnt know what else to do. I have since gotten on with my life, gotten married 3 years ago, and wouldnt change my present situation for anything in the world. Now, after a few years of not talking, that Dom and I now chat on a regular basis again, he is once again that wonderful mentor to me I had all those years ago, it just took time, and alot of it. I doubt I will ever get over that submissive feeling I have towards him, but I dont see it as a sexual submission, he has earned my respect over the years as a Dom, and he will always have it.

ghita amati

(in reply to MamaDomme)
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RE: Falling sub for the wrong guy. - 6/26/2007 8:27:41 AM   
LuckyAlbatross


Posts: 19224
Joined: 10/25/2005
Status: offline 		And find a new hobby for yourself to keep yourself occupied and productive.

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Find stable partners, not a stable of partners.

"Sometimes my whore logic gets all fuzzy"- Californication

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RE: Falling sub for the wrong guy. - 6/26/2007 12:18:17 PM   
Celeste43


Posts: 3066
Joined: 2/4/2006
From: NYS
Status: offline 		You didn't botch it up single handedly, he joined you in intimate conversations quite willingly. He's more distant now in order to not cheat emotionally on his girlfriend again because he feels that what you two were talking about was a form of cheating.

What to do now? Talk to him like you do your mother. Discuss neutral topics; jobs, movies, restaurants, books etc. Don't discuss intimate relationships, don't talk sexually, do respect his lines.

And you've learned that he really is a trustworthy, faithful guy because when he was majorly tempted he drew back and acted correctly. So if it's meant to be that in six months or two years he breaks up with her, you can then say you would love to date him. And if not, you still have a friend you can respect.

(in reply to LuckyAlbatross)
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RE: Falling sub for the wrong guy. - 6/26/2007 1:28:52 PM   
crouchingtigress


Posts: 4387
Joined: 3/19/2006
From: Maui
Status: offline 		Normally I have trust issues.
I never have and was convinced I never will submit myself completely to anyone.
People before  have tried to dominate me and my instinct immediately prevented them from getting to far.

when i read your words i think to myself, that of course you chose an emotionally and pysically unavailable man, you are not in a place to trust yourself and you are not in a place to trust others, yet your needs as a human for companionship takes over and you choose a man that fits perfectly.

you ask how to get over it

well i think its great to cut off communication as you have, and i would also seek some insight as to why trusting yourself and trusting another is really difficult for you to do. this will help you see what maybe you are not seeing right now, and maybe help you see how to get what you do want too.



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Service slut, durable plaything, and ponypenquincatdogpig, to Lee Harrington

This is him

"Its none of my buisness what other people think of me."




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RE: Falling sub for the wrong guy. - 6/26/2007 1:54:20 PM   
domiguy


Posts: 12952
Joined: 5/2/2006
Status: offline 		Hmmmm... Let's see here (Domiguy scanning op's post) guy in relationship meets girl....He tells her he is in a relationship...She doesn't seem to care....They talk, they giggle...they speak of sex....She thinks they have the same limitations...lol....wants to submit to him...She takes an online friend and turns it into a real time fuck buddy....Then miraculously after tapping it...He doesn't want to continue the relationship and probably would prefer if she would simply disappear altogether....Yada, yada, yada.... she misses her friend and has made a horrible mistake.

Here is what happened....You have a vagina and he has a penis....The one thing guys like almost as much as having a dick, is using it.  So along comes girl with vagina that doesn't mind the fact that our hero is currently putting his dick in someone elses go-go hole....Our hero immediately does the math and realizes hat two vaginas are better than one....So he decides it is safe to fuck some out of town trim....You thought you had the same limitations....Wrong!!! He is in a relationship that is more important than you....That my friend, is one serious motherfucking limitation. 

So now he has fucked you and wants really nothing to do with you....Secretly he is hoping that you might die.....It goes to show he places more value on his current relationship than you, your friendship or your pussy.

It's a tough world...Sorry to be the bearer of bad news....We, at DGU, believe in honesty and integrity and to tell you anything to the contrary would be a lie.


< Message edited by domiguy -- 6/26/2007 2:14:33 PM >

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RE: Falling sub for the wrong guy. - 6/26/2007 2:05:02 PM   
crouchingtigress


Posts: 4387
Joined: 3/19/2006
From: Maui
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: domiguy

Hmmmm... Let's see here (Domkiguy scanning op's post) guy in relationship meets girl....He tells her he is in a relationship...She doesn't seem to care....They talk, they giggle...they speak of sex....She thinks they have the same limitations...lol....wants to submit to him...She takes an online friend and turns it into a real time fuck buddy....Then miraculously after tapping it...He doesn't want to continue the relationship and probably would prefer if she would simply disappear altogether....Yada, yada, yada.... she misses her friend and has made a horrible mistake.

Here is what happened....You have a vagina and he has a penis....The one thing guys like almost as much as having a dick, is using it.  So along comes girl with vagina that doesn't mind the fact that our hero is currently putting his dick in someone elses go-go hole....Our hero immediately does the math and realizes hat two vaginas are better than one....So he decides it is safe to fuck some out of town trim....You thought you had the same limitations....Wrong!!! He is in a relationship that is more important than you....That my friend, is one serious motherfucking limitation. 

So now he has fucked you and wants really nothing to do with you....Secretly he is hoping that you might die.....It goes to show he places more value on his current relationship than you, your friendship or your pussy.

It's a tough world...Sorry to be the bearer of bad news....We, at DGU, believe in honesty and integrity and to tell you anything to the contrary would be a lie.




you goofball, but you do make a good point about honesty and integrity, so i should ad to my post

OP; your friend was with you through a six month depression, thats a lot for some one, and it takes a toll, depressed people are depressing.

you speak of it as though it just happened with no participation from you, but i dont see it like that, depression feeds on every drop of light and joy it can devour, and the host organism (thats you) can do stuff to change it, but usually does not.

_____________________________


Service slut, durable plaything, and ponypenquincatdogpig, to Lee Harrington

This is him

"Its none of my buisness what other people think of me."




(in reply to domiguy)
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RE: Falling sub for the wrong guy. - 6/26/2007 8:23:03 PM   
crouchingtigress


Posts: 4387
Joined: 3/19/2006
From: Maui
Status: offline 		 feeling better?

_____________________________


Service slut, durable plaything, and ponypenquincatdogpig, to Lee Harrington

This is him

"Its none of my buisness what other people think of me."




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RE: Falling sub for the wrong guy. - 6/26/2007 8:55:13 PM   
Rastimmipitwax


Posts: 69
Joined: 6/25/2007
Status: offline 		That is not honesty and integrity, that is your personal (and very negative, disgustingly so) opinion, and nothing more.


(in reply to crouchingtigress)
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