Backing Down? (Full Version)

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DiurnalVampire -> Backing Down? (6/26/2007 5:12:51 PM)

I am sure someone lese has gone through this, but I am a little thrown.
Kitten has requested a vanilla night tonight.  He wants to back off a bit, and build something more "realistic" in his eyes. He is afraid that wihtout a bit more depth t the relationship, he is going to bore me and I am going to want to be rid of him.
How, exactly, does someone deal with this? I mean, yeah, a little downtime isnt all that bad.  But how do I convince him I am not getting bored?  I completely didnt see this coming, I had no idea he had any interest in something more than what we already had...





PlayfulOne -> RE: Backing Down? (6/26/2007 5:20:27 PM)

It sounds like you need to sit down and have a heart to heart about goals and espectations.  Find out exactly what he means by "something more realistic". then you will know what to discuss and work upon.

Good luck

K



Elorin -> RE: Backing Down? (6/26/2007 5:58:09 PM)

Perhaps he didn't know he wanted "more" either, until he had kink with you and discovered it wasn't enough.

The question is - do YOU want more than you have with him, or is what you have with him enough? Will you be happy with the "more" he is looking for? If he needs more, and you don't, what will you do?

It doesn't seem like building more vanilla time and knowledge together is a bad thing, or that it means you are backing down. It means you are taking a break from kink to build solid relationship foundations.

~E



PsyVamp -> RE: Backing Down? (6/26/2007 6:06:37 PM)

My spoiled pet and I do vanilla things together and he knows that he is my pet and not my boyfriend. 
He does want me totally vested in the two of us for however long it lasts and  I do have talks with him about this because what he is essentially asking for is more of me emotionally.  I have told him that just because I do not love him, it doesn't mean I will not miss him when we are no longer together.
Sorry this was hard to read and doesn't flow.
Psy



Celeste43 -> RE: Backing Down? (6/26/2007 6:52:10 PM)

He wants to do other things also, what's wrong with that? Go miniature golfing, pick a movie you both want to see, play backgammon, go out for ice cream. Ordinary stuff and then go home and have kinky sex.



spanklette -> RE: Backing Down? (6/26/2007 7:03:11 PM)

I would definitely want to know what his definition of "realistic" is and how that fits into your dynamic.
 
For instance, Daddy and I don't have "down-time" per se, but we are doing vanilla things 95% of the time. The dynamic is still there regardless of the activity. Sure, the dynamic tends to manifest itself during sex and, of course, play but it is always there.
 
My biggest question would be if he considers kink to be "playing" and vanilla to be "real". There's no right or wrong answer, but it would certainly change the dynamic that he is seeking with you.



LuckyAlbatross -> RE: Backing Down? (6/26/2007 7:06:00 PM)

What does he mean by "go vanilla"?

A couple go out to dinner, the movies, come home, shower, and go to bed.  Are they vanilla or kinky?

Does he mean he wants to relate to you as a friend/boyfriend, or that he doesn't want to do kinky stuff?



thetammyjo -> RE: Backing Down? (6/26/2007 8:04:47 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: DiurnalVampire

I am sure someone lese has gone through this, but I am a little thrown.
Kitten has requested a vanilla night tonight. He wants to back off a bit, and build something more "realistic" in his eyes. He is afraid that wihtout a bit more depth t the relationship, he is going to bore me and I am going to want to be rid of him.
How, exactly, does someone deal with this? I mean, yeah, a little downtime isnt all that bad. But how do I convince him I am not getting bored? I completely didnt see this coming, I had no idea he had any interest in something more than what we already had...





Is there a need to convince him?

If you don't feel like "vanilla" is what you want, explain that to him. He then has a choice.

You might want to ask what he means by "vanilla".

There was a time, perhaps it happens to sub/slaves at some point as they grow and change, as they will, that Fox said something similar. I listened then I took time to think about it.

Then I was completely honest with him.

I have no interest in a vanilla relationship with anyone other than my husband. Should that relationship end (probably by death) I cannot imagine entering into another vanilla relationship.

So I told Fox the following:

You aren't my boyfriend.

I have no interest in you as a boyfriend.

If that is what you want I'm afraid we are not compatible. Thank you for the couple of years you've given me. There's the door if you need to use it.

Then he took time and thought about it. He decided that he was reacting to the world around him and some difficult times with his parents, his own personal issues in other words. He really had no interest in a vanilla relationship with me; he got a lot from being my slave and he was not willing to risk that by attempting to convince me to interact with him otherwise.

I'm sure some think I'm a cold-hearted bitch. I couldn't care less because none of those people know the second thing about me.

So after all of this "show and tell", DiurnalVampire, my suggestion is to figure out what you want, for him to figure out what he wants, if you match, congrats. I'd strongly caution against either of you heading down a relationship dynamic though if you have doubts -- it can lead to resentment which I think is a pretty big relationship killer.



WhiplashSmile -> RE: Backing Down? (6/26/2007 8:26:17 PM)

Face it there is more to life than BDSM alone.  We are human just like the vanilla's..  We magically did not become something other than human just because we are into BDSM.  What's wrong with Dinner, Movies and just plain good old fasioned conversation at times?  BDSM is just part of our lives, but not our whole life or is it?



Rastimmipitwax -> RE: Backing Down? (6/26/2007 8:34:59 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: DiurnalVampire
He wants to back off a bit, and build something more "realistic" in his eyes.


That is a frightening statement on so many levels.




slaveluci -> RE: Backing Down? (6/26/2007 8:41:07 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: spanklette
For instance, Daddy and I don't have "down-time" per se, but we are doing vanilla things 95% of the time. The dynamic is still there regardless of the activity. Sure, the dynamic tends to manifest itself during sex and, of course, play but it is always there. 

Same here, spanklette.  Master and I have talked about that alot.  Much of our time is spent doing everyday, ordinary, "vanilla" activities but there is never a lapse in our M/s dynamic or any question as to just what that dynamic is.  As you said, it's there "regardless of the activity."  As usual, you took the words right out of my mouth[:)]..........luci
 



crouchingtigress -> RE: Backing Down? (6/26/2007 8:53:44 PM)

DV i gave this a lot of thought because you are a friend and i really wanted to be helpful.

i see it from both sides and from his side i can tell you that sometimes its really hard to be in your role all the time, sometimes you need a vacation, a little respite, just to get your head straight, just to remember who you are.

and at the same time as the dominant this feels sort of weird because it feels like they are some how reneging on their end of the deal, and some how they are threatening the whole house of cards.

and thats ok, its ok to feel that way and its ok for him to feel the way he does too.

i think you should really discus vanilla days what does he really want? one day a month? just some cuddles? does the collar come off?

a lot of folks may argue but i think you should grant them, and take the collar off for that interlude, i think that when you are vanilla he should not be allowed to call you anything but sweetie and total vanilla dating stuff and nothing more.

allow this for as long as he can stand it, be ok with this new stage of growth as you both evolve in to this new stage of being partners.

because if you dont, resentment could build and things could start to go down hill, at the same time if you are supportive and listen to his needs he will swell with more trust for you, and adoration of you, and you will grow together through what will be scary and rocky for you both.

i think this will pass personally, i think there is something he is not getting and he thinks hell find it in vanillia....but really dig deep and ask what he is looking for, and what is missing and then try things a new way....but for a set period, and then reevaluate with all the new knowledge that you dont have right now, to make your decisions.




DiurnalVampire -> RE: Backing Down? (6/26/2007 10:24:16 PM)

Thank you all.  Shortly ater I posted, I had him come over. I needed to know what he was looking for, and what ne wanted or needed.  I am enjoying out time together, and I wanted to make sure that what he was wanting to move towrd, and what I wanted, were compatible.

Kitten is having problems with the intensity of our relationship.  I am his first Domme, and he has never been anythig but the dominant party in a relationships before.  I am also only the second person he has ever gotten close enough to want something with. He does want to be my boyfriend. We are extremely compatible in that area, and I cold be very happy with him.  However, since he is completely new to the lifestyle, he still doesnt know how to rectify the feelings he is having. His concern is that he is disapointing me.  He is very very concerned about this, and I have a feeling that goes back to his mothers doubts in him. She has no problem teling him how amazingly disapointing he is, and how she wanted so much more from him.
With me, he is extremely concerned that if he stays the submissive member of our partnership, I am going to get bored of him. When he has dated before, and he was the very dominant party, he would get bored wiht the girls he was with after a while. He and I originally said that we didnt want to get attached, since there was a good chance that he was going to be leaving after the summer. He has, as have I.

Essentially, he wants to bring the relationship away from our focus on the BDSM and build something stronger. He is worried about losing me, and wants to build something that wil be able to stand the separation of school if he does move.

I am happy with where tonight went. His confidece is completely wrecked, ut that has nothing to do with me. We can work on that, and eventually one he is away from his parents he will be alright. AS for us, I think we can manage to put something really good together out of the little fiasco.

Essentialy, he wants me to want him for more than his body.

Thank you ALL. Its so much easier to give other people dvice, which I do frequently. Amazingly, if this were posed by someone else, I would ahve had no problem telling them how to hadle it.  Problem is, from my own side of things... I couldnt think. Thank you for all the input, and it has given me, and him since I am discussing some of it with him, a lot to think about. Angel is my baby, and he is alright with that.  Angel will never be more than that, but Kitten very well may fill that position that I had sort of give up on.

Wish me luck
DV



CuriousLord -> RE: Backing Down? (6/26/2007 10:34:13 PM)

Glad to hear it's going well. Still, the "position [you]'ve given up on"? Do you mean to say that you've given up on having a vanilla, or an emotionally-based, relationship in general?



DiurnalVampire -> RE: Backing Down? (6/26/2007 10:36:30 PM)

Having a boyfriend, actually. My marraige was a disaster, the few times I dated and it got serious it was disasterous... so I had essentally given up on having a boyfriend.  I was perfectly content to have my 2 boys as just pets, and nothing more than that.
I can see more with Kitten, the way it is going. I didnt think I would, and I wasnt particularly upset about it.



MzMia -> RE: Backing Down? (6/26/2007 10:37:29 PM)

I am glad you are working this out.
Good luck DV



CuriousLord -> RE: Backing Down? (6/26/2007 10:52:29 PM)

Scared or excited about the prospect of a more boyfriend/girlfriend relationship? Or are you still just considering the prospect for now? Not to pry, too much. (I do live up to my alias, after all. :P)



DiurnalVampire -> RE: Backing Down? (6/26/2007 10:57:46 PM)

Im both a little concerned about it, and ratehr excited at the prospect.



MasterFireMaam -> RE: Backing Down? (6/27/2007 8:18:06 AM)

He's most likely projecting his insecurity onto you and/or the relationship. He's convinced you can't possible like him as he is and for how he's acting right now. In my opinion, you have two things you can do: indulge him or not. Either way can be designed to help him work through his low self worth. The first is, "See? There is more." the second can be "See? you're perfectly acceptable this way." You know him better than we do...which do you think would be better for fostering a positive atmosphere for him and the kind of relationship you want?

Another issue seems to be that he doesn't feel that what you have is valid and real, since he asked for "something deeper". I'm betting that, whatever it is, the two of you could do it together and still maintain the dynamic.

Master Fire



LuckyAlbatross -> RE: Backing Down? (6/27/2007 8:40:34 AM)

Also maybe point out his pattern in life of quitting things and being afraid of success- and that you aren't going to let him play that out with you :)



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