RE: Angry with Master (Full Version)

All Forums >> [Community Discussions] >> Ask a Submissive



Message

slaverosebeauty -> RE: Angry with Master (6/27/2007 9:11:28 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: Sexyharleygirl
How do you deal with being angry with your dom.


With MJ, I take a different approach than I have in the past, I tell Him, I explain WHY I am angry or upset, and then we talk about it and deal with the situation; I have a temper to rival a hornets nest, and MJ knows this, He has seen it a few times in the years we have been friends, now, He knows the best thing is to let me calm down and to ask me simple questions and to talk with me. I calm down and I am rational again, once I regain focus.
 
In the past, I would let it fester and grow, for me 'anger' is NOT an emotion or a feeling, its a state of being; I have one hell-of-a temper, I can curse in 5 languages, not including english when I am beyond pissed; I am the last person most people want to piss off; I fight with facts, I can fight dirty and I fight to WIN; I was in debate and forensics while in high school, so I do have soem 'training' on how to fight, plus, I was on mock trial a few times.  



ownedgirlie -> RE: Angry with Master (6/27/2007 9:26:44 PM)

I have been taught to express myself to him appropriately.  I used to become quite angry and upset and express myself poorly, which resulted in the conversation ending abruptly until I could talk to him in a way he would listen to.  Through his coaching, I have learned to manage my anger much better, and express myself calmly and clearly to him.  Sometimes I still get a little passionate about a topic in which case he'll kindly remind me to watch myself [;)]

I really don't get angry at him anymore. Sometimes I might feel frustration, but I'll tend to just become sad before anger ever comes around.



MagiksSlave -> RE: Angry with Master (6/27/2007 11:42:24 PM)

heh, this happend last night..... I dont feel anger well, not well at all. I tend to internalise it take it out on myself, or just hold it in. Well last night was one of those nights, not only was I angry at Master but also and my older brother and younger sister for sertain things, mostly the fact that I was feeling taken advantage of all around. It is easy for me to be taken advantage of, because I dont get angry often and I also dont hold a grudge so people can do what they wish and know they wont have consaquenses from me, and also I do like to please everyone I always want to do what others want me to do its just who I am but it gets to the point where I give and give and give and then when I want or need something that person isnt there for me or I just dont get anything back at all that I just feel very taken advantage of. (this is something Master is working on with me) When my sadness boiled over so much that I couldnt not be angry any more (I get angry once in a blue moon Master knows when it is going on based on odd behvior) I was lashing out and Master saw it, basically he spent about 45 minuts holding me down by my hair asking me questions. I had never in my life been in the head space I was in, literaly I was unable to do more then make almost animal like noises (hissing included) Getting majorly frustrated as I fought against his hold on my hair, this helped not only in the total Domanence he showed but it brought the hidden anger boil to the serfice, the dam broke I started to sob, at that poin Master knew I was angry and not just akting out (which I think he kinda knew anyway) we had a very loonnggggg convo about everything not only about his part in my anger but all the things that was getting to me. Is this an idea situation?? No not at all, this is a problem I know I should not be acting out when I get angry and that trying to hide it as long as I do makes me act out and if I where to accept my anger and talk about it then there would be much better ways to take care of it, but I have a real problem with my anger it isnt something I can express or even let myself feel often, Im lucky to have a Master that understands this and is willing to work with me on.

Magik's slave



julietsierra -> RE: Angry with Master (6/28/2007 4:03:00 AM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: IrishMist

No, actually, it is very easy to do; of course, you have to want to let the anger go first...from your answer, it seems that you like the anger.  (bolding added)

/shrug




Now see, hearing/reading that would just piss me off.

Being told to "just let the anger go" is not the same thing as offering suggestions as to HOW to let the anger go and it does not necessarily mean that someone enjoys being angry because they've dared to point that out for goodness sake.

From my point of view, "from your answer, it seems that you like the anger." is just a real nice condescending comment that means "I have NO clue how to let the anger go, but I'm definitely not going to admit that here."

Letting anger go (suggestions that may or may not work for you.)

1. BREATHE
2. BREATHE AGAIN (you know, those deep cleansing breaths they talk about with pregnant ladies)
3. BREATHE ONE MORE TIME - VERY SLOWLY.
4. During the third breath, contemplate how you'd ideally want his anger displayed to you - (this is not including any "punishment" that you may be hoping for).
5. Tell him QUIETLY that you have something you need to talk to him about but you need a moment (or an hour - or a day). Take all the time you need to contemplate how to BEST express what's  upsetting you.
6. Go for a walk. Walking is exercise. Exercise expends energy. Expending energy seems to calm tempers.

While on the walk:
     a. yell at the trees (or buildings) - cry if you need to.
     b. mutter a LOT (call him all those names you're thinking but don't mean while you're alone - even if you mean them right then)
     c. have the entire conversation you WANT to have with him by yourself. (my lectures - and at that point, they ARE lectures -  to him are INCREDIBLE  during those times)
      d. Now, sort through what you want to tell him to find where your errors in thinking are. Fix them.
     e. PROCESS what's happened if you can - find what's good about it. (You already know what's not good about it)
      f. Break your arguments down into processable segments so
that it will make sense to him. Sometimes, thoughts spoken in anger are confusing to the people hearing them even if they make perfect sense to us.
      g. Remind yourself that this IS what you were looking for and
ask yourself if what you're feeling is worth walking away (not saying you should actually contemplate walking away, but often, even saying such a thing helps to bring into perspective just how angry you are - and are not.)
7. When you get home, get a glass of WATER - nothing that will depress or agitate you. Drink it all - slowly.
8. Now would be a good time to BREATHE again.
9. IF you've calmed down enough, have the conversation you need with him. Try very hard not to raise your voice. We tend to feed on our feelings, so when you don't raise your voice, you don't feed your anger. (VERY IMPORTANT: Do not justify your fed upon anger as "this is just something I'm FEEEELING.." That's not necessarily true. Your initial anger was what you're feeling. The stuff that builds because we feed it is not. That stuff is just the crap that anger creates. Learn to recognize the difference. We think of temper tantrums as being childish, but fed-upon anger that's built up is an older person's temper tantrum. I find it helps to keep that in mind.)
10. Recognize that it's likely he will react in a defensive manner. Don't get upset by it. Pause. If he reacts in a manner that is too angry, suggest continuing the conversation after he's had time to think about what you've said.
10. When you begin to feel out of control of your emotions, suggest taking a break until you calm down so that you and he can continue to TALK.
11. CONTINUE the conversation when you're more in control of your emotions. DO NOT STUFF EMOTIONS OR CONFLICTS. Neither are good for either of you. However, explaining how you feel is much more conducive to your ability to communicate than raging at him - no matter how angry you are.

This is what I've done and so far, it's taken us through 4 years of being together with only one conflict that has been of any significance. We handled that one exactly this way too. Our discussion actually took us 6 months to get completely through, but we learned a LOT about each other, ourselves and more importantly, our relationship from it.

By the way, in case you think this is all one-sided, while not exactly the same, he has a similar way of dealing with things while he processes exactly what he wants to communicate to me. And he begins "I'm angry with you, but we'll discuss it tomorrow when I've had time to process what I'm thinking."

And the next day, we definitely DO discuss it.

Hope this helps a bit more than "from your answer, it seems that you like the anger."

juliet

  



GhitaAmati -> RE: Angry with Master (6/28/2007 6:56:54 AM)

I am allowed to write whatever I want in my journal without the fear of getting in trouble for it. So whenever I am angry, I usually go write. Putting my feelings down on paper helps me to calm down and relax. Its a place to vent. Usually, after I have calmed down and generally after he has read my journal, we will talk about what made me angry.



slaveluci -> RE: Angry with Master (6/28/2007 8:38:32 AM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: julietsierra

quote:

ORIGINAL: IrishMist

No, actually, it is very easy to do; of course, you have to want to let the anger go first...from your answer, it seems that you like the anger.  (bolding added)

/shrug




Now see, hearing/reading that would just piss me off.

Being told to "just let the anger go" is not the same thing as offering suggestions as to HOW to let the anger go and it does not necessarily mean that someone enjoys being angry because they've dared to point that out for goodness sake.

From my point of view, "from your answer, it seems that you like the anger." is just a real nice condescending comment that means "I have NO clue how to let the anger go, but I'm definitely not going to admit that here."

Letting anger go (suggestions that may or may not work for you.)

1. BREATHE
2. BREATHE AGAIN (you know, those deep cleansing breaths they talk about with pregnant ladies)
3. BREATHE ONE MORE TIME - VERY SLOWLY.
4. During the third breath, contemplate how you'd ideally want his anger displayed to you - (this is not including any "punishment" that you may be hoping for).
5. Tell him QUIETLY that you have something you need to talk to him about but you need a moment (or an hour - or a day). Take all the time you need to contemplate how to BEST express what's  upsetting you.
6. Go for a walk. Walking is exercise. Exercise expends energy. Expending energy seems to calm tempers.

While on the walk:
    a. yell at the trees (or buildings) - cry if you need to.
    b. mutter a LOT (call him all those names you're thinking but don't mean while you're alone - even if you mean them right then)
    c. have the entire conversation you WANT to have with him by yourself. (my lectures - and at that point, they ARE lectures -  to him are INCREDIBLE  during those times)
     d. Now, sort through what you want to tell him to find where your errors in thinking are. Fix them.
    e. PROCESS what's happened if you can - find what's good about it. (You already know what's not good about it)
     f. Break your arguments down into processable segments so
that it will make sense to him. Sometimes, thoughts spoken in anger are confusing to the people hearing them even if they make perfect sense to us.
     g. Remind yourself that this IS what you were looking for and
ask yourself if what you're feeling is worth walking away (not saying you should actually contemplate walking away, but often, even saying such a thing helps to bring into perspective just how angry you are - and are not.)
7. When you get home, get a glass of WATER - nothing that will depress or agitate you. Drink it all - slowly.
8. Now would be a good time to BREATHE again.
9. IF you've calmed down enough, have the conversation you need with him. Try very hard not to raise your voice. We tend to feed on our feelings, so when you don't raise your voice, you don't feed your anger. (VERY IMPORTANT: Do not justify your fed upon anger as "this is just something I'm FEEEELING.." That's not necessarily true. Your initial anger was what you're feeling. The stuff that builds because we feed it is not. That stuff is just the crap that anger creates. Learn to recognize the difference. We think of temper tantrums as being childish, but fed-upon anger that's built up is an older person's temper tantrum. I find it helps to keep that in mind.)
10. Recognize that it's likely he will react in a defensive manner. Don't get upset by it. Pause. If he reacts in a manner that is too angry, suggest continuing the conversation after he's had time to think about what you've said.
10. When you begin to feel out of control of your emotions, suggest taking a break until you calm down so that you and he can continue to TALK.
11. CONTINUE the conversation when you're more in control of your emotions. DO NOT STUFF EMOTIONS OR CONFLICTS. Neither are good for either of you. However, explaining how you feel is much more conducive to your ability to communicate than raging at him - no matter how angry you are.

This is what I've done and so far, it's taken us through 4 years of being together with only one conflict that has been of any significance. We handled that one exactly this way too. Our discussion actually took us 6 months to get completely through, but we learned a LOT about each other, ourselves and more importantly, our relationship from it.

By the way, in case you think this is all one-sided, while not exactly the same, he has a similar way of dealing with things while he processes exactly what he wants to communicate to me. And he begins "I'm angry with you, but we'll discuss it tomorrow when I've had time to process what I'm thinking."

And the next day, we definitely DO discuss it.

Hope this helps a bit more than "from your answer, it seems that you like the anger."

juliet

[sm=applause.gif]
juliet,
As always, you said it all.  Thank you for the great post.  I especially liked how you speak about having the entire conversation with yourself.  I use this method in many situations, not only with Master.  Anytime I am upset, I rehearse the entire (imagined) conversation in my head.  Oftentimes, no such conversation ever ends up happening at all.  Things blow over and it isn't necessary.  However, especially with Him, if/when a dialogue does take place on a given issue, I have had this pre-conversation in my head and discarded lots of what I would have impulsively said.  It's a very therepeutic tactic[:)].  All the advice was great.  As usual, you say what I'm thinking only clearer and more to the point.  Thanks...........luci



littleone35 -> RE: Angry with Master (6/28/2007 9:21:01 AM)

in the 16 months we have been together i can not remember any times i was really angry at Master.  I have snapped at him a few times but that was only when i was playing the game he told me to and he was distracting me.  I don't spend as much time with Master as i would like, so i don't want to waste any of it on negiative emotions like anger.

That being said if i did get angry at Master i think he would let me speeak my piece and he would tell me his side then we would talk about it.  He is wonderful that way.

Matt's littleone



mistoferin -> RE: Angry with Master (6/28/2007 9:35:53 AM)

First you have to realize that D/s and M/s relationships are....relationships. People are going to get angry with one another...it's a given.

When I am really angry I try to distance myself from the situation until I have calmed down enough to talk rationally. Sometimes, that is very difficult. I have all of the stereotypical temper that goes along with being red headed and Irish. I try very hard not to lash out in anger because it only deteriorates things. But I am not perfect and there are times that it happens. I can remember one time specifically. I was trying to quit smoking. My Dominant was being a total ass. I finally had enough and walked over and picked up my car keys. He asked me where I thought I was going. I explained to him that I only had two options at the moment that seemed valid to me. The first was that I could get in my car and go to the store and get a pack of smokes. The second was that I could stay there and kill him. His response "Well we're getting low on milk...while you're there".



JerryInTampa -> RE: Angry with Master (6/28/2007 9:40:23 AM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: Sexyharleygirl

My question is this: How do you deal with being angry with your dom.
To quote a former sub of mine: "Give him the best blowjob of his life. That'll put him in his place".

I suppose the answer depends on the relationship in question. From "exactly how you do it with a non-dom" at one extreme to "learn to get over it" at the other.

For most, the asnwer is going to be "Discuss it with him" or even "ask this question directly to him". He is, after all, your dom. Guiding you is part of the job function.



Wildfleurs -> RE: Angry with Master (6/28/2007 9:56:26 AM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: Sexyharleygirl

My question is this: How do you deal with being angry with your dom.


It depends on the severity, whether he's angry at me as well, and ten million other things.  If I'm processing and handling it properly - i'll go to the gym, think about it, journal it out, talk to friends.  If I'm being bad I'll talk it out with a close friend with the addition of lots of alcohol.

Either way at some point I'll talk to him about it, it just does depend in terms of how long that takes (sometimes if its something small or we are traped in a car then its pretty much right away).

C~



BeingChewsie -> RE: Angry with Master (6/28/2007 10:14:53 AM)

Using quick reply:

I talk to him about it. I don't journal it, bury it, take it out dinner, drown it in booze or any other of the things I used to do to avoid confrontation and dealing with my shit. Sometimes I have to wait to talk to him, that is the reality of our dynamic. I talk, he listens, we sort it out...then life goes on. We do not make a big deal out of things that really are just blips on the landscape of our relationship through the years.



Wildfleurs -> RE: Angry with Master (6/28/2007 10:51:25 AM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: BeingChewsie

Using quick reply:

I talk to him about it. I don't journal it, bury it, take it out dinner, drown it in booze or any other of the things I used to do to avoid confrontation and dealing with my shit. Sometimes I have to wait to talk to him, that is the reality of our dynamic. I talk, he listens, we sort it out...then life goes on. We do not make a big deal out of things that really are just blips on the landscape of our relationship through the years.


For me, using the methods I talked about (journaling, working out, talking it out, or even talking it out with friends with alcohol) are ways to bury feelings.  Its ways to figure out how to accept and processes whatever has gotten me angry, because for us typically due to decisions I don't like or agree with that aren't small things that will require re-aligning or adjusting on my part.

Sometimes the processing, aligning, etc are really not as difficult as how I initially thought, but either way I do find it valuable to have time to process and re-center.

C~



BeingChewsie -> RE: Angry with Master (6/28/2007 11:08:14 AM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: Wildfleurs

quote:

ORIGINAL: BeingChewsie

Using quick reply:

I talk to him about it. I don't journal it, bury it, take it out dinner, drown it in booze or any other of the things I used to do to avoid confrontation and dealing with my shit. Sometimes I have to wait to talk to him, that is the reality of our dynamic. I talk, he listens, we sort it out...then life goes on. We do not make a big deal out of things that really are just blips on the landscape of our relationship through the years.


For me, using the methods I talked about (journaling, working out, talking it out, or even talking it out with friends with alcohol) are ways to bury feelings.  Its ways to figure out how to accept and processes whatever has gotten me angry, because for us typically due to decisions I don't like or agree with that aren't small things that will require re-aligning or adjusting on my part.

Sometimes the processing, aligning, etc are really not as difficult as how I initially thought, but either way I do find it valuable to have time to process and re-center.

C~



Hi,

I do understand that and it makes perfect sense. I practiced avoidance and burying it. My whole objective was to try to never have to discuss it with him, I just wanted to make it go away.



sleazybutterfly -> RE: Angry with Master (6/28/2007 11:14:30 AM)

I usually hide I am angry at first.  I know that I tend to say things I don't mean if I do it at that moment.  I have learned to let it/him settle, then I approach him about what is bothering me.  He listens, then will say he is sorry, he didn't realize it got to me that way...we hold each other and that pretty much ends it.

Anger is natural, how you deal with it is more what matters in the end.



Wildfleurs -> RE: Angry with Master (6/28/2007 2:14:50 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: BeingChewsie

quote:

ORIGINAL: Wildfleurs

quote:

ORIGINAL: BeingChewsie

Using quick reply:

I talk to him about it. I don't journal it, bury it, take it out dinner, drown it in booze or any other of the things I used to do to avoid confrontation and dealing with my shit. Sometimes I have to wait to talk to him, that is the reality of our dynamic. I talk, he listens, we sort it out...then life goes on. We do not make a big deal out of things that really are just blips on the landscape of our relationship through the years.


For me, using the methods I talked about (journaling, working out, talking it out, or even talking it out with friends with alcohol) are ways to bury feelings.  Its ways to figure out how to accept and processes whatever has gotten me angry, because for us typically due to decisions I don't like or agree with that aren't small things that will require re-aligning or adjusting on my part.

Sometimes the processing, aligning, etc are really not as difficult as how I initially thought, but either way I do find it valuable to have time to process and re-center.

C~



Hi,

I do understand that and it makes perfect sense. I practiced avoidance and burying it. My whole objective was to try to never have to discuss it with him, I just wanted to make it go away.


Sorry I was writing that before a nap after a really long morning and I didn't proof read or spell check.  What I meant is that it (the gym, blah, blah, blah) is NOT a way to bury my feelings.  I like to process the decision and try to figure out how I'm going to re-align to whatever the decision is and thats what going to the gym, journaling, etc allow me to do without saying something that I might regret.  I'm the kind of the person that has to sleep on almost anything, so I tend to like time even in an arguement to sort out how I'm feeling, because I've found that how I'm feeling and the underlying reasons are never as simple as just feeling anger.

C~

Edited to add: I also find space and processing helpful for me because I tend to have a bit of a harsh tongue unless I watch myself, so I find when I get angry if I said what my gut nature was to say at that moment in time I'd really be in serious trouble.  The space allows me to come at the issue with more of the I feel statements and an eye towards simply sharing how I feel.



IrishMist -> RE: Angry with Master (6/28/2007 2:49:07 PM)

quote:

Now see, hearing/reading that would just piss me off.

Being told to "just let the anger go" is not the same thing as offering suggestions as to HOW to let the anger go and it does not necessarily mean that someone enjoys being angry because they've dared to point that out for goodness sake.

From my point of view, "from your answer, it seems that you like the anger." is just a real nice condescending comment that means "I have NO clue how to let the anger go, but I'm definitely not going to admit that here."

Sorry, but I think the OP knows exactly how to let the anger go and does not actually NEED advice on how to do so. Or perhaps, at the age of 40, she has NEVER been angry with someone?




julietsierra -> RE: Angry with Master (6/28/2007 4:26:31 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: IrishMist

quote:

Now see, hearing/reading that would just piss me off.

Being told to "just let the anger go" is not the same thing as offering suggestions as to HOW to let the anger go and it does not necessarily mean that someone enjoys being angry because they've dared to point that out for goodness sake.

From my point of view, "from your answer, it seems that you like the anger." is just a real nice condescending comment that means "I have NO clue how to let the anger go, but I'm definitely not going to admit that here."

Sorry, but I think the OP knows exactly how to let the anger go and does not actually NEED advice on how to do so. Or perhaps, at the age of 40, she has NEVER been angry with someone?




Oh, obviously you're SO right. ALL of us - as evidenced by the number of posts in these forums to the contrary, know EXACTLY how to communicate in a well thought out, rational manner designed to infuse love and understanding on any particular issue at any time and have absolutely NO need to ever ask another person how they might do things better. And obviously, being the well versed people we ALL are, when we get upset and react in ways that are perhaps not as conducive to the relationship building communicative efforts we are oh so capable and knowledgable of, it's of COURSE because we just enjoy being angry. Certainly it's not because perhaps we might be happy for some suggestions along the way as to how other people might do things in an effort to better understand ourselves, our inadvertant (but oh so planned - you know how thise inadvertant things are always so planned) ways of sabotaging our relationships and so just possibly understand how to better handle a difficult situation.

And of COURSE, the only reason we all post here is so that others can tell us that if we are having genuine problems understanding something, it just MUST be because we "enjoy" being the way we're asking for suggestions not to be.

How silly of me not to have seen this ahead of time.

Thanks IrishMist for your ever so lucid and clear thinking response.

Now any and all of us who have ever asked a question or thought to ask a question can rest easy knowing that if we're doing something that's possibly causing a problem, it's because we simply enjoy what's happening.

Your awareness of ALL of us, including our attending inclinations and motivations simply amaze me.

juliet



alandraofMists -> RE: Angry with Master (6/30/2007 8:13:15 PM)

I internalize my anger.  I get quiet and withdraw.  When it is possible I ask to be excused and work through my anger and the other feelings that have came with the anger. When I am able to express it in an appropriate way I ask permission to speak to him about what has happened to me and how I felt about it.

There has been only one time with my Lord when I was not able to work trhough my anger and lost control my anger. I completely lost it and verbally lashed out in anger.  The shock of it happening had Him walking away till it could be handled in an appropriate manner. 

For me to lose control of my temper is very rare, before I met my Lord I lost control of it twice.
 
 
Knight's Alandra



KnightofMists -> RE: Angry with Master (6/30/2007 8:22:26 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: alandraofMists
For me to lose control of my temper is very rare, before I met my Lord I lost control of it twice. 
 


yeah.... you where an emotional time bomb back then.. Thank god I came along and diffused your out of control anger....

Only once in 20 years as compared to the 2 times in 16 years..... flexs my Dominant muscle... damn I am good *w*



angelslave77 -> RE: Angry with Master (6/30/2007 8:23:04 PM)

just a general reply here.
I have a terrible temper and once I am angry, I just gotta discharge it,  so I will talk to a friend or go do something physical, cool it off, then blog a little. Then talk to Master, it has really only happened that I have been angry a couple of times with him and after both occasions we have ended up stronger and closer as a couple



Page: <<   < prev  1 [2] 3 4   next >   >>

Valid CSS!




Collarchat.com © 2025
Terms of Service Privacy Policy Spam Policy
0.046875