very stressed, appreciate advice (Full Version)

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conflicted -> very stressed, appreciate advice (6/12/2005 7:47:35 AM)

okay, i have a series of complex situations going on, and any thoughts or advice whether positive or negative would be greatly appreciated.

i recently returned to work with Master as my boss. I know that during working hours we have to act vanilla and i dont have a problem with that. However when i wasnt working with Him, i saw and spoke to Him more often than i do now! The whole idea of me working with Him was so W/we could spend more time together.
(No-one else at the workplace is aware of the relationship, and i feel it is better left that way) and i got the job on my own merits.
Another person that works at the same place blatantly disrespects me and this angers Him, however one of the managers treats me the same and that doesnt seem to upset Him at all! Each time i go to work, i feel as if i am walking into a battle zone, and that i am invisible.... it is distressing me greatly. (Master is the "big boss") am i wrong in thinking He should stick up for me?
i tried to talk to Him about it when He said something about my nails not being done, and i replied that my mental well being was more important than nails, and it was fobbed off.
He has said to me that the only person i need to worry about at work is Him, which is true i suppose.

Another issue is the whole D/s thing. i feel at the moment that it only becomes important when it suits Him. eg. i was asked to go out with girlfriends to celebrate my getting the job, i wasnt allowed to go because He worried i might come to harm. But that is only one example, whenever it comes to going out with friends for a drink, i can always bet the answer is no, or last time, He strongly suggested that i not go, BUT it was up to me...i didnt go because i knew it would upset Him. if i object He asks whether it would be better that He doesnt care about me.
Should i answer back, voice an opinion or do something naughty, the punishment is never far away, there just doesnt seem to be many positives.

i went out the other night with Him, and He flirted outrageously right in front of me, i said to Him that i dont do that when i am out with my friends, and He should lead by example, (bit cheeky i know, and i will no doubt be punished for that!), He said that if i even did anything like what he was doing i would be in "big" trouble and reminded me of my position to Him where He can do whatever He likes!
i dont know, at times i think i take my role as a sub too seriously (but really...is that a bad thing?), i really want to please and make Him happy, but feel as if i am failing miserably at everything.

i am a strong person mentally, and i am doing everything i can not to let the people at work worry me, but it is wearing thin. i used to explode with rage once, but since knowing Him, i tend to cry, and it seems to be getting harder each day to just get through the day without crying.

Am i over-reacting? Being too sensitive?

i guess i am just feeling unappreciated and unloved [:(]

n



SecretDomme -> RE: very stressed, appreciate advice (6/12/2005 9:00:59 AM)

I think it would be very difficult to be in an employment situation that is also complicated with D/s, and if things were to happen within your personal relationship with your Master, I would worry how that would carry over to your work situation. I also worry when one person in a relationship starts to keep the other person from his/her friends and from having some personal time to himself/herself. Your Master appears to enjoy using guilt to make you feel bad when you make some decisions, and that is a "red flag" to me.

The last line in your posting says it all. You are feeling "unappreciated and unloved". Trust and accept your feelings and talk to him about them. If he does not want to acknowledge how you are feeling, I would encourage you to consider whether you would want to stay in this relationship.

I think sometimes that people assume that because a relationship is based on a D/s dynamic, all relationship basics go out the window, and what the dominant says and does, goes, without any acknowledgment of how the sub feels. If you are unhappy in the relationship, talk about it with your partner. Whether you are submissive or dominant, you have the power to change your situation if you are unhappy.

I wish you luck,
Julie



EmeraldSlave2 -> RE: very stressed, appreciate advice (6/12/2005 10:37:35 AM)

Deal with your work situation like you would deal with any work situation, as responsible adults dealing in a world of petty office politics. The fact that he is your dom is meaningless in this situation, UNLESS he wants to just tell you to quit the job completely.

The fact that he has authority over you personally is of no use or circumstance in the workforce, I'm sorry you built expectations that you would spend more time together just because you worked together (I would have let you know how unlikely that was if I had known), but as for all the other petty misdealings, act as youwould in any situation.

What do you consider disrespectful? Why? Deal with it through the right channels.

As far as the double standards, well that is acceptable in Ds. However, if you feel it's being used in an ineffective way or a way that doesn't fulfill you, then you need to discuss it.



LASub4Real -> RE: very stressed, appreciate advice (6/12/2005 11:27:48 AM)


quote:

ORIGINAL: EmeraldSlave2
As far as the double standards, well that is acceptable in Ds.


Um... that is only acceptable in DS if BOTH parties had agreed that those would be the terms of their relationship. Otherwise it non-consentual slavery--the kind at Abraham Lincoln put and end to.



fillepink -> RE: very stressed, appreciate advice (6/12/2005 12:18:58 PM)

dear girl..i am a (inactive) lawyer and for many years i did battered women's defense work. the pattern never, ever varied. first, the woman was slowly isolated from anyone who might offer support or encouragement. then, she was made somehow dependent economically on him. then, he began emotionally abusing her; saying or doing things that sapped her feelings of worth. when the situation was finally right, he began by striking her once, followed by a fabulous apology and usually a gift -- and always, the promise it would never happen again.

i read what you had written and saw some similarities. i think Your Master emotionally abuses you when he allows his subordinates to speak rudely to you. in fact, such speech can rise to the level of a hostile workplace and create liability for the company; so your Master is not doing HIS job when He permits it to go on. meanwhile, you have given the gift of your submission ONLY to your Master; tell your supervisors you will file a complaint with Human Resources against them unless they stop their objectionable behavior. if your Master prohibits you from following through on this i think you should seriously think of getting out of this relationship.

there is also the question of being permitted time with your girlfriends. denying you this is denying you a basic human need, not a frivolity, and has the effect of isolating you. call your girlfriends from work or on your lunch hour; keep those connections alive. surely your Master plays golf or brings work home; when He is preoccupied, make plans to see them. if your Master prohibits it, again, think seriously about leaving the relationship.

you can call the county sherriff at any time and be taken to a woman's shelter; every county has one. if you EVER feel unsafe, call; err on the side of caution. if there is a gun in the house, dismantle it and throw away some small part; then put it back together and return it to where it was; chances are good it will not be operational.

get your resume together and look for another job; NOW..no matter what your Master says. you need a better work environment and financial independence from Him. tell prospective employers you reside with the Big Boss and need to leave due to company policy; and that you do not want them to contact your present employer; you will happily establish your employment history through your own records. (you can get a copy of your employment history by request from the social security administration.)

lastly, i would suggest that you and your Master enter couple's therapy. believe it or not, there are professionals knowledgable about D/s and it's possible to find one. if your Master refuses to consider it; again, i would urge you to consider leaving.

o f**k it, dear; he sounds like a vanilla jerk play-acting as a Master; and i think you should run, not walk, out the door. but i know you need to be clear-headed about this. please feel free to email me if you need help. fillepink

[image]local://upfiles/72910/CC3E33342EF046F1A11F3CDB80209A62.jpg[/image]



EmeraldSlave2 -> RE: very stressed, appreciate advice (6/12/2005 4:33:56 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: LASub4Real


quote:

ORIGINAL: EmeraldSlave2
As far as the double standards, well that is acceptable in Ds.


Um... that is only acceptable in DS if BOTH parties had agreed that those would be the terms of their relationship. Otherwise it non-consentual slavery--the kind at Abraham Lincoln put and end to.

Well when someone has become a sub to a dom, they have accepted the double standard- someone makes the rules for someone else, that someone else does not also get to make rules for the first someone.

Now, how deep this double standard goes depends on the individual relationship, but the foundation of Ds is inherently a double standard.



FuriousAngel -> RE: very stressed, appreciate advice (6/12/2005 5:19:20 PM)

I think the real question is, was it discussed in the early stages of the relationship how open it was going to be, and what the submissive could expect. Was she made aware that she was getting involved with a Dominant who would openly flirt, or engage in other such activities with women? I'm not saying there is anything wrong with doing so, assuming of course, that the submissive is aware in the first place that this is part of the package.

Long story short, I don't feel that Dominants get to make the 'rules up as they go' and then toss the 'title' around to justify themselves using the theory of double standards because of the D/s dynamic. As for not letting you go out with your friends, and such? Well, I'm not one to pass judgement on the relationships with regards to that within the realm of D/s. Some dominants simply enjoy exerting that control, and an equal number of submissives crave it to the same degree.

As for the job? Easily solved (if you ask me). Get another job.






LASub4Real -> RE: very stressed, appreciate advice (6/12/2005 9:37:02 PM)


quote:

ORIGINAL: EmeraldSlave2

Well when someone has become a sub to a dom, they have accepted the double standard- someone makes the rules for someone else, that someone else does not also get to make rules for the first someone.
Now, how deep this double standard goes depends on the individual relationship, but the foundation of Ds is inherently a double standard.


Yikes! I think I got lost back there in all those "someones" :-)

I agree that someone makes the rules... etc., but there are always"limits" which we all have. A limit may be say... amputation, or having your eye balls removed! A limit might also be monogomy. Again, both partners (Dom/sub) have a part to play in defining the rules/limits of the relationship. When it comes down to it, it's all consentual, we may do things that we don't like doing for a Dom, but we don't do things that we don't choose to do for a Dom. To wit, there are Dominants that prefer a monogomous relationship and there are also Doms that will respect a sub's wish for a monogomous relationship.



pygmalionsub -> RE: very stressed, appreciate advice (6/12/2005 9:45:04 PM)


quote:

ORIGINAL: fillepink

dear girl..i am a (inactive) lawyer and for many years i did battered women's defense work. the pattern never, ever varied. first, the woman was slowly isolated from anyone who might offer support or encouragement. then, she was made somehow dependent economically on him. then, he began emotionally abusing her; saying or doing things that sapped her feelings of worth. when the situation was finally right, he began by striking her once, followed by a fabulous apology and usually a gift -- and always, the promise it would never happen again.

i read what you had written and saw some similarities.



I thought the exact same thing when i read her post.



BlkTallFullfig -> RE: very stressed, appreciate advice (6/12/2005 10:36:06 PM)

Wonderful advice... Wish I could connect this link to a thread currently on "ask a master" titled "using me?", because it is very applicable advice for Sweet8525, and I hope she reads it..
Welcome to the boards Fillepink.. M



phoenixsub -> RE: very stressed, appreciate advice (6/13/2005 2:06:30 AM)

I completely agree with Fillepink. Babygirl, I was in your same situation about 6 yrs ago. I completely trusted my one and only Master and believed him in everything he said; however, He was just using me as a tool to get everything I had. I was not rich by any means but I had what he never had and that was love/trust/desire. He took all that from me and it has taken me this long to finally trust again. RUN FORREST RUN!!!!!! If you don't or IF he IS willing to do anything that pink suggested then by all means try to work things out.

Its like alcoholic, EITHER you get help and stop, or shush up about it. I have a friend that constantly calls me begging me to help her get over drinking. I have tried for longer than most would to get her treatment. Just 2 weeks ago, after going through my 3rd cancer surgery, I wised up and told her, its all up to you, <frankly> either shit or get off the pot but I can't handle you anymore.

She checked into treatment and today is her 3 week anniversary... Yippie, no more Drunk Lisa... LOL

By the way, I was on the board for Volunteers Against Violence for 4 years and what Pink said, is so true. Do it and do NOT hesitate to remove anything that may harm you. Do NOT allow him to seclude you from friends....next will come family and then you will be SOL....

I know you need what he gives you, but re-read your posting, re-read it several times and realize that you are NOT where you really want to be. You need the "Real" thing and this man is for Himself and no one else. Big boss or Big dick he is a Pr*ck....

phoenix



BeachMystress -> RE: very stressed, appreciate advice (6/13/2005 4:35:15 AM)


Mixing work and personal life is almost always a bad idea. You are best to find a different job. It is healthier for both you and your relationship in the long run.

While I feel that a Dominant has control of the relationship and sets the rules other than hard limits, I don't feel that gets to be done with a disregard for the submissive. I'm not as incensed as others about his flirting with other women as long as his final behaviour is within the bounds of your relationship. (i.e. if you're monogamous, he doesn't have sex or scene with others.) What I find disturbing is your statement
quote:

I tried to talk to Him about it when He said something about my nails not being done, and i replied that my mental well being was more important than nails, and it was fobbed off.
When you present a problem to your Dominant and indicate it is serious to you, it should be addressed. Having it fobbed off is not acceptable. This coupled with not wanting you to go out with your friends is a major red flag in my eyes. I don't know enough about your situation to really hand out relationship advice, other than to say trust yourself. If you feel something is wrong, then it is. You sound like a smart, competent woman. Do not let your need to be a good submissive back you into a situation where you're being abused instead of consensually used.

Also, the type of situation you're in is bound to depress you over time. I was looking at the symptoms of male depression today for another thread, and you may want to look at the symptoms for female depression. Also, there is a diagnostic helper on the Mayo Clinic site. If you do decide to either get therapy for yourself or as a couple, have a look at the KAP site (Kink Aware Professionals) to find someone near you who understands our lifestyle.



suberic101 -> RE: very stressed, appreciate advice (6/13/2005 5:22:16 AM)

Fillepink, if she removes the firing pin which is quite easy to do, then the gun would NOT fire. Not even a slight chance. Anything else, and as long as the firing pin is intact, there is the possibility(and any possibility is WAY to much) of the gun still going off.



BeachMystress -> RE: very stressed, appreciate advice (6/13/2005 5:25:58 AM)


*points out that someone unfamiliar with guns has no clue what a firing pin is, where to find it or how to remove it*



dougadams -> RE: very stressed, appreciate advice (6/14/2005 4:11:30 PM)

Fillepink is right. This sounds scary. Don't dismiss the warnings.



pandoravampire -> RE: very stressed, appreciate advice (6/15/2005 6:21:45 PM)

fillepink has it right in my book, and i love the sumarising sentence at the end. I think id like you fillepink.

D/s is inherantly a double standard. What a crock of shit that is in my opinion. The ONLY power my Sir has, is that which ive consented and handed him on a plate. Consent is what makes this a equal relationship. Sure he may get to chose what we do, when we do it, but only coz ive said he can.

It comes down to communication, and negotiated limits. Mine personally are that i DO NOT SHARE and im very very specific in what i mean by that, no 3 in a bed, no playing in public, no internet sub on the side for him, nor me. ITs a hard limit i have the right to demand. He has the right to step over that line and out the fucking door! i accept that.

So if you cant take fillepinks insightful advice. Then renegotiate your relationship. If he chooses to not allow a re-negotiation, then either walk away, or stop moaning about it and put up with it like a doormat, as that is what you will be.



conflicted -> RE: very stressed, appreciate advice (6/16/2005 6:08:58 AM)

Firstly, i'd like to thank A/all that replied, and for the advice.

fillepink......thank-you for your sound advice, i have helped friends in the situation you described, i never even looked at it like that, you have definately given me some food for thought

quote:

Was she made aware that she was getting involved with a Dominant who would openly flirt, or engage in other such activities with women?


This was a shock to me to see Him behave this way, i was really hurt by it.

quote:

Wonderful advice... Wish I could connect this link to a thread currently on "ask a master" titled "using me?", because it is very applicable advice for Sweet8525, and I hope she reads it..


Thank-you BlkTallFullfig, i will be reading that immediately after i finish this post :)

You need the "Real" thing

so true

quote:

and you may want to look at the symptoms for female depression. Also, there is a diagnostic helper on the Mayo Clinic site. If you do decide to either get therapy for yourself or as a couple, have a look at the KAP site (Kink Aware Professionals) to find someone near you who understands our lifestyle.


i will most definately look into these, thank-you BeachMystress


Then renegotiate your relationship

i will try this option first, as He really does mean the world to me.
thanks again

n



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