RE: what to do with a rebellious sub? (Full Version)

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CuriousLord -> RE: what to do with a rebellious sub? (6/30/2007 7:03:47 AM)

I'd recommend you consider reconsidering the nature of your relationship. Even if you want D/s, if she's not up for it, you have three options:
-Getting a mind-control headband to get her to want it.
-Kidnap her favorite pet (buy her one first and get her attached if she doesn't yet have one) and tell her the only way she can have it back is..
-Dumping her and finding someone else.

Seriously, though, I'd say just talk to her about it. You may simply have to hear her out and what she wants. If you two want different things, forget it. It's really disgusting when people try to work when they can't. (Not that they're disgusting, but the relationship- so full of apprehention and stress- that's the disgusting thing.)



LuckyAlbatross -> RE: what to do with a rebellious sub? (6/30/2007 10:01:12 AM)

FR

You are asking excellent questions for a newbie.

You do need to talk to her and ask her exactly what's going on when she rebels- even SHE may not be able to articulate it.  Many subs have trouble settling down in the beginning because they are scared or overwhelmed.  Rebellion is often a sign of insecurity that can't be expressed verbally.  YOu will have to train her how to directly tell you what's going on rather than acting out.

And you need to figure out if that is in fact the issue and whether she can be mature enough to work through it with you as well.

Secondly, I understand you wanting to bring the hand down, but that might just be reinforcing a negative cycle of behavior.  Sometimes ignoring what's going on and NOT responding to it, simply asking "Do you understand that your behavior here is unacceptable?" can be enough for them to realize that they ARE acting inappropriately and that you aren't going to rise to the bait. 

Dominance isn't about the immediate reaction, it's about the overall dynamic you create and grow over time.



MasterFireMaam -> RE: what to do with a rebellious sub? (6/30/2007 12:40:54 PM)

Ignore bad behavior. Simply withdrawn from the situation. If you assert yourself against the poor behavior, you are reinforcing it as acceptable since the rebel is always looking for a fight. Let her know that her bahavior is unacceptable and that you are removing yourself because of this (i.e. don't withdrawn without letting her know the consequences of acting up).

Master Fire



pashun8flame -> RE: what to do with a rebellious sub? (6/30/2007 12:58:48 PM)

Sir, if you are in a new relationship with this sub she may just be tryin got feel her oats and see how far she can go and push you without getting punished.





MagiksSlave -> RE: what to do with a rebellious sub? (6/30/2007 1:02:43 PM)

I vote you tar and feather the girl!!!

Magik's slave



MrDiscipline44 -> RE: what to do with a rebellious sub? (6/30/2007 1:54:06 PM)

Ok, here's what you do. We ask her to please join you in looking at something just outside the front door. At the open door, point to a spot on the floor and ask her what she thinks that is. If she claims not to see what you are talking about, tell her to look closer. As she is inspecting the spot, grip both sides of the door frame and place a foot on her ass. Immediately straighten that leg while trying to pull the door frame out of place. As she is strightening herself out on the curb, tell her to come back when she has her head out of her ass and knows how to act like an adult in public.



MissOchistic -> RE: what to do with a rebellious sub? (7/1/2007 9:17:14 AM)

Take her out on a leash with you when you run errands.

If she acts up, tie her to a bench or pole outside and leave her for ten minutes or so, or maybe until you've finished your errand.

If she can make it through this day, she will probably be a bit humbled, or perhaps even enjoy it and wish to be more cooperative. If not, accept that she is just not into public domination, will not obey you, and is a bedroom subby and decide if you will live with that or find a new one.



LuckyAlbatross -> RE: what to do with a rebellious sub? (7/1/2007 9:26:31 AM)

Public kink isn't the same as public domination.  Just because one finds it unacceptable to be leashed in a vanilla public area does not mean they are against being submissive to someone in public.

If she ENJOYS it, wouldn't that take away from the lesson you are trying to teach that her behavior was unacceptable?



bliss1 -> RE: what to do with a rebellious sub? (7/1/2007 11:53:05 AM)

Read, read, read, and then read some more.

One of things I encourage new subs and new Doms to do is to keep a journal.
Ask yourself why you wish to have this role, what do you think you can gain from it, how do you think you can get it, ect.
For a Dom I encourage them to ask how much power to they wish to have.
For a sub I encourage them to ash themselves how much power to they wish to give up.

Write and share your thoughts here, since you are a couple.  This is just one more way of communicating and finding out if your views on D/s are similiar.





crouchingtigress -> RE: what to do with a rebellious sub? (7/1/2007 11:59:13 AM)

the most effective thing i have ever seen, is the phrase "do you want this or not?"




GhitaAmati -> RE: what to do with a rebellious sub? (7/1/2007 12:04:11 PM)

ive enjoyed reading this..because in truth, im often seen as a rebellious sub (which im not, honest, im just a smart aleck and make jokes about everything) but its been nice reading everyones comments about their feelings on it



Grlwithboy -> RE: what to do with a rebellious sub? (7/1/2007 12:04:43 PM)

I think really rough assertions with someone who may or may not be comfortable with the overall amount of D/s you want leave you very vulnerable to accusations of abuse, dudes especially. I'd tread carefully with girls I don't know as well as I know myself as it were. I also can't imagine being in a serious relationship with someone who would not genuinely strive for an answer if I got them home and asked them "exactly what was THAT little charade about?"





bandit25 -> RE: what to do with a rebellious sub? (7/1/2007 12:11:55 PM)

Yeah, I have to agree with CT and Celeste.  She may not understand what you (or even she) want.  Maybe she's somewhat uncomfortable or even confused and she's acting up because she doesn't know what else to do or even from frustration.  I don't know that asserting more dominance would help.  I think just talk to her.  Find out what's going on in her head.  If she still acts up, then I'd ask her if this (D/s) is really what she wants.



OsideGirl -> RE: what to do with a rebellious sub? (7/1/2007 3:41:44 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: Celeste43

The fact that she wants to be submissive to you doesn't mean that she totally can, or should, put aside her morals or her values. Now we don't know what you are asking her to do in public.

There's an enormous difference between you telling the waiter what the lady will have to eat and you making her crawl on her knees while the family at the table next to you watches. If it's the second, and she views it as reprehensible to act that way in public, then she should stick to her morals and refuse.

Talk to her about what you are asking her to do, what she thinks about this, if she can suggest a way to do what you want to some degree without breaking her own moral code. We can't judge because we have been given zero details to help us make suggestions.


I agree with this. I'll also add that you have the history of your relationship, pre-D/s, which has programmed you both. I'm willing to bet that you've never sat down and negotiated out your relationship. That's a time to lay out the expectations of your relationship from both sides.

Also, keep in mind that regardless of whether we're Dom or sub, we're all human and have human emotions. So, until you sit down and talk, you'll never know what is causing that rebellion.



crouchingtigress -> RE: what to do with a rebellious sub? (7/1/2007 4:18:48 PM)

i wish you would give us more info....

but one thing i forgot to mention, she is rebelling against you, it might be hard to really accept this, but that speaks volumes.



Mystique567 -> RE: what to do with a rebellious sub? (7/1/2007 9:38:41 PM)

Wow this is something I really needed to read. It has shown me alot about my willfulness.



shyinini -> RE: what to do with a rebellious sub? (7/1/2007 10:39:00 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: Iwanttolearnhow

I am fairly new to the scene... ok, very new, but I really love it and feel that I am home... but I am not yet at the point where I know what to do as a dom. So,  I have a situation and I need advice from doms and subs alike.  I am with a woman who is a sub but who can be very rebellious.  At times, she gets more rebellious the more that I assert myself in the relationship.  I know that in general I do a good job because of the way she responds to my authority... particularly in the bedroom.  But, sometimes, when we are out in public she will act in a way that challenges my dominance over her.  I don't know the best way to respond.... what is the best way to put one's sub in her place immediately and without fail when in public? Thank you all

T   


My Sir's reply when asked this same sort of question ~~~~
 
depends on the offense
depends on the attitude
depends on what challenge offered
depends on what makes a lesson learned
depends on the submissive
depends on the control and submission to it 
 
Sir's learning girl



Areflectionofyou -> RE: what to do with a rebellious sub? (7/2/2007 4:38:52 AM)

maybe just by saying she embarassed you with her rebellion will work. Maybe tell her you cannot go out in public with her until she can act accordingly. the shame of embarrissing another is awful.



MissOchistic -> RE: what to do with a rebellious sub? (7/2/2007 5:05:49 AM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: LuckyAlbatross

Public kink isn't the same as public domination.  Just because one finds it unacceptable to be leashed in a vanilla public area does not mean they are against being submissive to someone in public.

If she ENJOYS it, wouldn't that take away from the lesson you are trying to teach that her behavior was unacceptable?


Okay, I admit...I just wanted to see more girls tied up outside Starbucks. [:(]



DiurnalVampire -> RE: what to do with a rebellious sub? (7/2/2007 5:20:25 AM)

I agree with Tammyjo. It seems that the problem isnt necessarily her being rebellious as much as it is not accepting your dominance outside the home. They are not the same thing, not everyone's D/s dynamic is a public and private thing.  After dating for as long as you have, it is a difficult change to make. Even if she does want you to be in control all the time, it isnt a light switch.  A change to that behavior does not happen overnight.  You need to sit her down, and draw out the strict boundaries of when it is and isnt appropriate to behave in certain ways.
This is for both of you, not just a list of how she should behave when. She also needs to know what you are capable of out in public, and what to expect at home. If she is uncomfortable with you exerting your control out in public, where others may see it, but she still wants you to do so, she has to accept the consequences of it. Wether correction happens right away or waits until you get home, she has to know it wil not be tlerated once the lines are established.
For Angel and I, when our relationship was newer and he was still a bit resistant to my control when we were out and about, I had one surefire method. Learned it form my mother, and it works like a charm. If he and I were doing something, and he challenged me, I would warn him once that if he didnt start acting appropriately, we were going to stop whatever we were doing and turn arund and go home.  If he could not be good in public, I was not going to let him stay there. He only challenged that once, when we were out to dinner.  I called the waitress, had her pack all our food (that had only recently arrived) up, paid the bill and took him home. We fiished dinner in the hotel, and he was not allowed to get online or watch television until he apologized for pushing me and we talked about what happened and why. Once was all it took, and he has never made the same mistake again.

Hope that helps.
DV



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