Sought submissive, but am considering a slave.

Sought submissive, but am considering a slave. (Full Version)

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jackalope -> Sought submissive, but am considering a slave. (6/30/2007 7:27:24 PM)
I have a need for some guidance. I had advertised for a sub, and I had responses that varied from the curious on one end of the spectrum (Most of those seemed to fade away with out even saying goodby) and on the other end I found a formerly owned slave that has many attributes that I find very appealing, but as I had not previously considered having a slave, here is an opportunity that I am giving serious consideration. In our first meeting, she was rather nervous, but highly respectful. She self described her needs as wanting someone that would at times be a good daddy (This is no problem that I foresee.) at times hold to hold her until she feels less overwhelmed, and other times one that will dominate her. She wants to be a good girl. She is learned in the domestic arts of cooking, sewing and cleaning. At times, her owner punished her very harshly, but she appears to have accepted this as proper. I can’t particularly see myself being anywhere near as harsh for the infractions she had described, I prefer a more subtle measured approach to discipline. In considering my options I feel that it would be my prerogative to decide the degree of punishment, yet I do not wish her to feel disappointed if my style is considerably different that her previous situation. I would appreciate some guidance here. I also believe that her previous owner had some rigid protocol, and I feel that it is my prerogative to set my own, yet I am unsure if the change should be instituted clearly, and up front, or if I should pattern her protocol to what she is used to and then gradually institute changes to my way of thinking. Again I solicit the wisdom of those that may have faced similar situations.

mnottertail -> RE: Sought submissive, but am considering a slave. (6/30/2007 7:33:46 PM)
Each must live in the world we find ourselves in, I ain't no replacement part...I am me. They are them, they have to put up with changes, adapt improvise and overcome, just like anyone else. If the need is to be wrapped in swaddling cloth (rigid protocol) and you aint that way, then there may or may not be a disconnect, doesn't mean because you ain't as stiff backed as the next guy that it isn't an important part of the relations. One last thing, try her out a little before you go all the way around the block, you don't want her tits coming off in your hands just because you roughed her up a little, make sure the equipment can take it.

Trampler -> RE: Sought submissive, but am considering a slave. (6/30/2007 7:45:27 PM)
I suggest that you connect with your local community, so that you can find some Doms to observe and (maybe) train with you and your sub/slave. The slave you mentioned in your post, while I do not know the situation, it sounds like she really needs to work it out in therapy before she gets involved with anyone else. I hope you don't take that the wrong way. At any rate, good luck, have lots and lots of patience!

MagiksSlave -> RE: Sought submissive, but am considering a slave. (6/30/2007 8:00:43 PM)
Remeber you are you, you are not her former Dom, she eather wants to be with you as you or she needs to find someone more like her X. Why should you have to change to fit her needs eather you are compatable as yourself or you are not and it is better to find out now and split ways then after the collaring. You wont be happy beeing something you are not. Eather she can exept what you have to offer or she can move on... its simple. Magik's slave

jackalope -> RE: Sought submissive, but am considering a slave. (6/30/2007 8:35:12 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: Trampler ...The slave you mentioned in your post, while I do not know the situation, it sounds like she really needs to work it out in therapy before she gets involved with anyone else. I hope you don't take that the wrong way. At any rate, good luck, have lots and lots of patience! Trampler, I hope I did not lead you to the idea that she is imbalanced. To me it seems that she is in control of her life, yet wishes to fill a void. I am seeking guidance to find out what folks have done in similar situations and if in retrospect they would have done something different.

LuckyAlbatross -> RE: Sought submissive, but am considering a slave. (6/30/2007 9:48:44 PM)
Being conscious and considerate of her past and the transition that will take is great. Changing who you are or trying to mold to the past however will do no one any good.

susie -> RE: Sought submissive, but am considering a slave. (7/1/2007 2:17:07 AM)
When I first met my Master I was completely new to the lifestyle with no real life experience at all. He had owned a submissive before me. They were incredibly happy up until her untimely death. When we first made contact I was always asking how they used to do things. What did he do to her, how did they live etc. He has never discussed their D/s lives with me always giving the same answer "you are not her". We have been together for 3 years next weekend and have lived and settled into the D/s relationship that suits us. We do not have the same relationship that he had with her because we are different people. He has done things with me that he has never done with anyone else and I am sure there are things he has done with others he will not do with me. No two relationships will ever be the same and trying to make a relationship fit a "blueprint" from another relationship is a receipe for disaster. Time and open communication is the most important thing to make sure you are both clear about what you want. Don't make the mistake of trying to change anything to be like something else.

julietsierra -> RE: Sought submissive, but am considering a slave. (7/1/2007 4:08:30 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: Trampler I suggest that you connect with your local community, so that you can find some Doms to observe and (maybe) train with you and your sub/slave. The slave you mentioned in your post, while I do not know the situation, it sounds like she really needs to work it out in therapy before she gets involved with anyone else. I hope you don't take that the wrong way. At any rate, good luck, have lots and lots of patience! So, let me get this straight... Adhering to a rigid protocol in a past relationship and thinking that it was good enough that you hope to find something like that again is a reason for the need of a therapist? And being used to, consenting to it, and thinking it natural that someone administers harsh punishment in a previous relationship is a reason for therapy? Or is it the fact that like many other people, at times she likes someone to be tender with her and at other times she enjoys them to not be tender with her... Is that where you think there are grounds for therapy? Sheesh...anyone know a lifestyle therapist? I guess at one point, I'm going to need one if that's the case. All of the things she's looking for are simply things she's looking for. What he's looking for is simply what he's looking for. Neither are good or bad or in between. She's going to have to decide if the person she's talking to now is who is right for her or not. It's not a therapy question. It's a question of two people - a dominant and a submissive - matching in such a way so that both their needs are met. And in fact, HE'S going to have to decide if what she wants is what he's looking for as well. It's not a therapy issue. It's a relationship "fit" issue. If she's still trying to replace the previous dominant, then yes, she needs to wait a bit longer before entering into a different relationship. However, if the things she's expressed are simply things she likes and coincidentally found with the last dominant, then those desires belong to her and she should listen to them. Hell, I'm a masochist. If I ended up with someone who was, for the most part, gentle in his handling of me, it would NOT be a good match. And the only part about the previous people in my lives that would matter really was that they weren't gentle in their handling of me - a trait I actively looked for and have loved. If someone needed gentle handling full of hugs and kisses, and wound up with my Master, it would not be a good match. If they were the kind of submissive who enjoyed being taken down, they would not be a good match for my Master either. The fact that I didn't engage in either of those behaviors would only matter in that I had the traits he actively looks for - regardless of who he ends up with. In both cases, (and I presume in the case of the submissive mentioned in the OP) none involve the need for therapy. What they ALL do involve though is knowledge of one's self and a readiness to walk away when two individual's expectations do not mesh well with each other. therapy... sheesh. To the OP: May I suggest that if you like this person, and if the issues you've presented here (the harsh punishment, etc) are things you can both figure out together, that you don't get too caught up in the words of it all. Slave or submissive, in the end, she's still the woman you are contemplating spending time with. Consider whether the woman and you are compatible and let the individual definitions of submissive and slave as it pertains to your relationship, sort itself out naturally. Lots and lots and lots of people say they wish to not be a slave and find out, through the course of their relationship, that that's exactly what they are and thrive upon. Lots and lots and lots of people say they want to be a slave and then find that the dominant's expectations of a slave are things they can't manage and opt for that submissive title instead. LOL...we still laugh over my insistance that I never Never NEVER want to be a slave... yet... here I am. Other people may end up on the exact opposite road from that. What someone was is not necessarily what they'll end up being when operating according to a new set of parameters in a new relationship. In the end, it's up to the two of you to decide if you, the man can "fit" with her, the woman - and vice versa. From there, you both can sort out the submissive vs slave issue amongst yourselves - which ideally, is where it should be worked out in the first place. juliet

MadRabbit -> RE: Sought submissive, but am considering a slave. (7/1/2007 4:50:31 AM)
First, I would sit down and ask myself... What is MY definition of a submissive and a slave? What is HER definition of being a slave? Will our definitions match up and make a relationship that we both enjoy? I think people tend to get screwed up because they say "Oh well...I want a slave and not a submissive", using these blanket words with some loose cloudy definition, and dont look at the partners and their personal lifestyle themselves. Personally, finding potential partners for me has never been as black and white as some people will make these silly words out to be. Second, your the dominant! If your seriously considering taking on a slave, then its your place to create the rules, the protocols, and the structure of the relationship and her place to submit and conform to that. Every Master's and dominant's style is different from the last and she will have to get used to that. If you start to compromise what you want and mold the relationship to her ideals and not your own, it can easily lead to resentment and fealing like your not the one who's really in control. It IS your perogative to set your own protocols and they should be protocol tailored to fit your own individual life, not the superficial fantasies of a slave or the standards set by some BDSM community or another Master. My advice is to realign your thinking from "What rules and protocols do I need to make so this slave isnt disapointed?" to "What rules and protocols do I want and need so I am not disapointed in this slave?"

julietsierra -> RE: Sought submissive, but am considering a slave. (7/1/2007 6:23:10 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: MadRabbit . It IS your perogative to set your own protocols and they should be protocol tailored to fit your own individual life, not the superficial fantasies of a slave or the standards set by some BDSM community or another Master. Oh, I do like the way you said this! juliet

beargonewild -> RE: Sought submissive, but am considering a slave. (7/1/2007 7:47:15 AM)
Greetings jackalope. Much of what the other poetsers have given is sound and practical. and if I may offer my thoughts on this. The one important think I believe you should kep in mind is the fact that YOU are becoming her Dom/Master. Each Dom has their own vision of how they want their subs to behave and serve according to the owner's desire. You must guide and teach your sub according to what is comfortable and to what makes sense to you. Your methods will differ from mine which differs from all other Masters/Doms. Yes you can see how other Doms guide their subs yet the trick is to take what makes sense to you and use your own instincts in your own methods. The dynamic you are creating with this sub is just for you and her, not for any other Dom. This is YOUR relationship and it should be created according to what works for you and her. Since she has been previously owned, she should realize that your methods may be completely different tot o what she's used to. This is par for the course. In one aspect, if she truely wants to become your sub/slave, then she has to know that she will be taught how to best serve your needs based upon what you need and want, not based upon something from the past and is no longer valid.

proudsub -> RE: Sought submissive, but am considering a slave. (7/1/2007 8:09:00 AM)
My suggestion is just be yourself and if it's not what she wants then move on. You are the one in control, meaning you should set your own protocols, punishments, etc. Every relationship is different. JMHO.

ready4srvce4all -> RE: Sought submissive, but am considering a slave. (7/1/2007 10:18:23 AM)
I agree with proudsub and those who have posted similar comments. OP, if you can't be yourself, then you will be falling into a "settling" mode IMHO. Take it from someone who spent a lifetime settling, it never works, and only makes you miserable eventually. Know what you want, and accept only what you want.

akbarbarian -> RE: Sought submissive, but am considering a slave. (7/1/2007 11:51:01 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: mnottertail Each must live in the world we find ourselves in, I ain't no replacement part...I am me. They are them, they have to put up with changes, adapt improvise and overcome, just like anyone else. If the need is to be wrapped in swaddling cloth (rigid protocol) and you aint that way, then there may or may not be a disconnect, doesn't mean because you ain't as stiff backed as the next guy that it isn't an important part of the relations. One last thing, try her out a little before you go all the way around the block, you don't want her tits coming off in your hands just because you roughed her up a little, make sure the equipment can take it. This is probably the most apt and direct advice I've seen you give, and I tend to agree with this line of thought. I for example state I am looking for slaves only. Oh sure, there is the ongoing definition debate, but people who self identify do it for reasons that become apparent as you spend more time with them. My profile states slaves only, and that's to avoid tragedy. I suggest testing the waters safely and with good life jackets for all. Don't get your, and her heart tied up where it doesn't belong. Safe means emotionally safe by the way if that wasn't clear. Don't either of you get too attached and wind up in the wrong type of relationship for either of you.

Grlwithboy -> RE: Sought submissive, but am considering a slave. (7/1/2007 12:42:54 PM)
I have a slave who was owned by someone in the past about as different from me as it can get. Because this person was an excellent trainer and really fostered the notion that it's about the Owner, his adaptability has been exceptional. She was extremely structured and rigid and protocol oriented. I am not. She viewed all painplay as "discipline" whereas I view all painplay as "recreation." His observation has been, however that people change, him included. The person he was in his late 20's with this woman is not the person he is now in his mid-50's with me. Years aren't always needed for people to change. I think without that foundation, he would flounder with an Owner like me, however with it, he is able to really thrive under the less predictable, less structured, more liberated and playful circumstances he finds himself in now. He has more latitude and therefore more responsibility in taking care of my affairs, but he's able to rise to the occasion. Communicaton and self-knowledge are key.

BlindUnknown -> RE: Sought submissive, but am considering a slave. (7/1/2007 2:00:46 PM)
<OP> It sounds to me like you are very interested here, but, you can't be something you aren't, and if you try too hard to -be- that something, you'll probably fail miserably if it's beyond the realm of comfort. Also, i'm not reading in depth all responses, i apologize if i'm repeating, but this woman's key modifier is "formerly" owned. That means something didn't work out, so don't try to be just like her last dom.

crouchingtigress -> RE: Sought submissive, but am considering a slave. (7/1/2007 2:37:32 PM)
i would find out why they are not togeather anymore.....not just the top layers of the story, try to find out everything. i dont think you have nearly enought info to make a good evaluation yet. keep digging. and one last thing, punnishments are about course correcting, thats all, some folks learn easy some folks learn hard..and knowing how a person learns, what style they relate to and what sticks in terms of behav. mod....is the main thing.

pashun8flame -> RE: Sought submissive, but am considering a slave. (7/1/2007 2:52:50 PM)
Sir, as the Dom you need her to forget about her previous Dom and train her to your expectations, if your relationship is going to work for you. Good Luck Sir

RaynaSub -> RE: Sought submissive, but am considering a slave. (7/1/2007 3:04:16 PM)
One persons submissive is another persons slave. If you are compatible and patient, what she calls herself should not matter.

Trampler -> RE: Sought submissive, but am considering a slave. (7/1/2007 5:56:04 PM)
OP, For some reason I had gotten the impression that her former relationship was abusive, I'm sorry, I don't know how I got that inpression! Anyways, Good luck and I hope it works out! and keep us posted! Juliet, you, as always raised some very good points, I always like reading what you have to say :)

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