RE: D/s & mental/emotional health

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octavia -> RE: D/s & mental/emotional health (7/1/2007 8:15:51 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: bliss1 A submissive without baggage - is going to be diffiuclt to find. As many have already said - some of these tramas do not show up until late in life when the mind is ready to deal and heal. It is a valuable Dom/me who can handle this and not say I am done!. This can be said with Dom/me's also. Would any submissive walk away if their Dom/me had a flashback of an authority figure waving a strap over them? I agree, and would take this a step farther to point out that I don't think people in general without baggage are easy to find. People in D/s are exactly the same as people in vanilla relationships save one thing, D/s. People are attracted to D/s relationships for a variety of reasons I would guess and I know that for myself, I've chatted with just as many on the Dom side of things that ring a lil unstable as well. I think we attract people who compliment our needs, weather that is in D/s, vanilla, or just good ol' friendships. I know many people don't like to hear that, but for me, that realization has brought all kinds of personal growth. When i'm looking around myself and thinking " oh my god, Im surrounded by nut cases." It's my mental health I need to deal with. Just my humble opinion as always, oct

BlindDescent -> RE: D/s & mental/emotional health (7/1/2007 8:20:05 PM)
I have found that open acceptance of what has happened before you met is helpful. Letting that person know that you care for them and about them is the theme. In addiction recovery groups, they look for forgiveness; not forgetting. Change/progress/wellness/integration/ whatever you are aiming for isn't linnear nor concrete. Like addictions there are many triggers and many relapses. Not expecting absolutes in therapy or improvement in symtoms is a prudent postion to take. Free will is merely one ingrediant in our reality; purposeful action is the engine that drives it. Change is movement from a place we no longer wish to occupy...that is the hard part to own consistantly. So regardless of crappy therapist or excellent; there is still a shit load of work to do. This includes the worker and the support system. So when this intoxicating game of pushing limits opens that stink ass cans of worms...The pusher better damn sight be ready for the task of cleaning up the mess. In every way possible. I hear more problems with the find em, use em, make em emotionally dependant , then dump em when interest is lost or the game no longer meets the needs of the manipulator... than the pre exsisting condition submissive. However when one combines both of those spheres...it reinforces all that is bad in our realm. So to the OP..and other responses...Ds can be theraputic if done with a clear goal for positive expectations in the relationship. DS is not therapy. Attempting therapy on one's own partner is not very effective and is why medical staff do not treat their own family members, My perspectives are from a professional background; and nothing that is done to another here is without consequence.

wildflower13cat -> RE: D/s & mental/emotional health (7/2/2007 12:41:56 AM)
quote: Actually, I would say that some people use D/s in place of professional help! quote: ORIGINAL: SirDominic That unfortunately is to true and something to look out for. Those who need professional help, or those who need to work on mental health issues should make that a focus of self improvement and the utmost importance. No one can do this for you but you, no Dom, Domme, Master, or Mistress can do it, only you can. You have to feel that you are worth the work, and do it your self. That is at least my opinion, coming from a slave mind. I have been in the lifestyle almost 15 years now. I do have problems in this area, one think to watch out for in your constant journey of optimal mental health is look at the relationships you are in are they helping you maintain your mental health or worsening it. If they are worsening it are they the right match for you, or have you just gotten lazy. If they are not the right match move on to a more healthy relationship but always keep in mind that your mental health is your own responsibility and only you can do it, no one can do it for you. Sincerely, rachel (wildflower)

DivaZya -> RE: D/s & mental/emotional health (7/2/2007 12:58:04 AM)
I have been in the D/s field for handfulls of years, and am working toward becoming a Therapist, Kink Friendly. Taking time to find out if those that come to you are balanced and ready to play without too much baggage seems to be the first line of defence - yet I am amazed at how many, (presumably not horribly emotionally scarred girls and boys) want to skip that step & go straight to get roughed up/tied up whatever - including some from collarme that even asked in thier profiles to get to know each other first. Meh. people are people, can't lump any one together. Just be aware of what you need - and what you are offering. Negotiations are a great way to sort out what's what, why skip that step? Always the best ~

taintedgypsy -> RE: D/s & mental/emotional health (7/2/2007 5:43:38 AM)
I have found this thead very reassurring and comforting, even encouraging. As one who has stepped back from BDSM to seek professional help to deal with the past, I have found in my experience that BDSM has been helpful in many ways but the triggers from my past were really extreme and the damage it caused to my relationship and to myself was unacceptable. I would like to support a number of comments in this thread .. I agree with the opinon that you can support, encourage and help someone but you can not fix them ... only they can fix themselves. I also support the idea that though BDSM can be theraputic; it can not replace therapy and being involved personally does not place you necessarily in the best position, as pointed out by several people in this thread doctors do not treat their own family. On the upside I am doing really well, feeling much more comfortable about life in general and start a speacial program (for the childhood demons) this week which I hope will help me move futher down the path. I have found that the smartest thing I have done was to say "hey I need help", and though I know this is not going to be a quick fix, nor does anybody have a magic wand to make everything better, but I can see and feel the improvements it has made in my life already and look forward to a future with a stronger and healthier me. I know when I walk back into BDSM, I will have so much more to offer and so much more to enjoy.

MasterFireMaam -> RE: D/s & mental/emotional health (7/2/2007 6:10:08 AM)
Cathartic BDSM can go a long way to HELP heal things. The euphoria and subsequent altered state experiences can be used to journey into yourself in many ways. It doesn't however, replace really good therapy. I think they can be used in conjunctionm, however. We all have "stuff". This is different than being emotionally unsound. It would depend on how strongly I felt called to a person as to whether or not I'd deal with unsoundness. Master Fire

Ayanaev717 -> RE: D/s & mental/emotional health (7/2/2007 6:13:57 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: DivaZya I have been in the D/s field for handfulls of years, and am working toward becoming a Therapist, Kink Friendly. Taking time to find out if those that come to you are balanced and ready to play without too much baggage seems to be the first line of defence - yet I am amazed at how many, (presumably not horribly emotionally scarred girls and boys) want to skip that step & go straight to get roughed up/tied up whatever - including some from collarme that even asked in thier profiles to get to know each other first. Meh. people are people, can't lump any one together. Just be aware of what you need - and what you are offering. Negotiations are a great way to sort out what's what, why skip that step? Always the best ~ Diva I am so glad to see someone who is going into that field of work. I do believe that more therapist and professional counselors need to set up shop in this avenue. I for one try to not become therapuetic (since it is also my work), and I never had trouble with ethical boundaries, until now. Since there is so much work with a sub or Domme from the emotional & psychological point of view- I for one do not wish to overstep my position. However I am concerned for the well-being of that person. Someone said something here that struck. They said if one is worried they are surrounded by insane people then they would start looking at oneself. Nicely put, I do think that self-reflection is part exploring D/s...as well as one self. From a professional point of view I don't mind having a Domme or sub on my sofa exploring. But in the scene, I need to be cautious myself to not over extended myself because I am in that field. I am not ethically obligated to do so. I have obligated however to not harm anyone. Thanks for this posting. Always, A

KnightofMists -> RE: D/s & mental/emotional health (7/3/2007 6:00:47 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: Ayanaev717 I believe that D/s deals with a lot emotional and psychological adjustments already. As an absolute.. this is a competely false statement. In fact, D/s structured relationship could be the completely wrong thing for some people an instead of dealing with alot of emotional and psychological adjustments.... it just creates more problems that will have to be dealt with once a person abandons the structure. SOME JUST DON"T FIT THE CLOTHES THEY TRY TO WEAR! For some, a D/s structure can be useful in dealing with emotional and pschological adjustments. And some it will have no effect either way.. they actually need other techinques/strategies to Deal quote: So how do any of you deal with someone who has an emotional/ mental break in a scene? This answer is entirely dependent on the individual with the emotional/mental break in a scene. No one approach will fit all.. and No one approach is good for just one. Judge the situation on it's merits.. and take the best reasonable approach! quote: Have any of you hung in a D/s relationship with Dom/Dommes or subs that you knew may have some emotional and mental health issues? And why? What did you gain? Yes... Commitment.... Alot of things, both good and bad. quote: I also would like to know if any of you believe that you can use D/s to help either yourself or others work through emotional/mental issues? This answer is completely dependent on the individuals involved... in some cases the answer maybe yes.. in others it's a definite NO! in others it doesn't matter one way or the other. quote: Or you can trust that if they individual gets help- you work play in scene with them is safe. just because they seek help doesn't equate to them being better or that they can be "safe".... some seek help and it's the wrong help... some get help and the result is to stay out of the scene... again... it really depends on the individuals involved

KnightofMists -> RE: D/s & mental/emotional health (7/3/2007 6:08:03 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: SirDominic That being said, as a rule, submissives usually do have some sort of issue they are dealing with (notice I said "usually", which by definition means a lot of the time but NOT all the time). I not sure why you single out submissives!... I would say that PEOPLE usually have issues to deal with... sometimes they issues are figuring out how to pay the credit bill coming up.. and sometimes they are alot more serious or less serious. But.. most people seem to manage the issues that common along with life.. However.. there are a few that the issues seem to manage them... It's a PEOPLE thing!

wildflower13cat -> RE: D/s & mental/emotional health (7/3/2007 9:23:46 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: SirDominic That being said, as a rule, submissives usually do have some sort of issue they are dealing with (notice I said "usually", which by definition means a lot of the time but NOT all the time). quote: ORIGINAL: KnightofMists (in response to above quote) I not sure why you single out submissives!... I would say that PEOPLE usually have issues to deal with... sometimes they issues are figuring out how to pay the credit bill coming up.. and sometimes they are alot more serious or less serious. But.. most people seem to manage the issues that common along with life.. However.. there are a few that the issues seem to manage them... It's a PEOPLE thing! KnightofMists i very much agree with your answer. People in general have emotional and mental issues, not all, but people in general. Some common issues Dominants tend (tend, not always) to have are control issues, feeling inadiquate, and so on. We are all individuals weither we are on the submissive slave side or the Dominant side, and thus we individually have our own emotional and mental issues. Sincerely, rachel (wildflower)

becca333 -> RE: D/s & mental/emotional health (7/3/2007 9:34:28 PM)
Everybody has issues. Most people are able to deal with them and keep going. If you can't deal with your stuff without BDSM, you won't deal with it with BDSM. For minor stuff, a BDSM relationship can be structured to give support. For major stuff, there's therapy. Sometimes love, or BDSM, just ain't enough.

Ayanaev717 -> RE: D/s & mental/emotional health (7/3/2007 10:47:32 PM)
Dear KnightsofMist I do think you missed my point and the reason I brought this topic up. I was asking for both subs and Dom/Dommes own personal experiences. I can assume that it can go either way for some and another way for others. However, that doesn't answer the question nor address the topic. You stated, that my statement about D/s being about emotional and psychological adjusments in inaccurate. Perhaps if I clarified that for me D/s is not just about sex, not about the kink, but it is about other things which would & could include deep emotional and psychological feelings, triggers, evolvement of the individual, as well as exploration- then I believe my statement is a bit more correct. Especially for those who are seriously involved and are undertaking their position whether Dominant or submissive to heart. However, I am sure everyone goes into D/s for different reasons. So I truly don't see what all the yelling is about. Finally, I believe that talking about the experiences of others are important. Should someone share them it helps me understand not only the lifestyle better but it also allows me to self-reflect of my own involvement. I believe we can always grow from listening to others. No one is island. Thank you very much for your feedback. Always, A

KnightofMists -> RE: D/s & mental/emotional health (7/4/2007 6:51:59 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: Ayanaev717 I do think you missed my point and the reason I brought this topic up. I was asking for both subs and Dom/Dommes own personal experiences. I can assume that it can go either way for some and another way for others. However, that doesn't answer the question nor address the topic. aaaawwwww no.. I didn't miss your point. I just don't agree with it. quote: You stated, that my statement about D/s being about emotional and psychological adjusments in inaccurate. Perhaps if I clarified that for me D/s is not just about sex, not about the kink, mmmmmm doesn't change my viewpoint of your statement... particular since I share your definition of D/s to a degree.. it is not about sex or the Kink quote: but it is about other things which would & could include deep emotional and psychological feelings, triggers, evolvement of the individual, as well as exploration- then I believe my statement is a bit more correct. Especially for those who are seriously involved and are undertaking their position whether Dominant or submissive to heart. However, I am sure everyone goes into D/s for different reasons. So I truly don't see what all the yelling is about. yes it is about other things... which incidently BDSM & Sex can include deep emotional and psychologial feelings, triggers etc etc etc etc. And no you statement is no more correct in this light Also who's yelling... Last time I check this is a reading forum... Unless you read out loud of course... quote: Finally, I believe that talking about the experiences of others are important. Should someone share them it helps me understand not only the lifestyle better but it also allows me to self-reflect of my own involvement. I believe we can always grow from listening to others. No one is island. I completely agree that this approach to learning is a very useful and many indeed use it, if not most and maybe all. quote: Thank you very much for your feedback. Your Welcome

hideandseek -> RE: D/s & mental/emotional health (7/15/2007 11:15:37 PM)
I've never had a problem during a scene because my depression and anxiety are unrelated to childhood trauma, but I was talking to Daddy online one night when I was planning to OD on pills. He stayed up until 3:30 in the morning when he had work the next day until I got help. He might have saved my life.

welshwmn3 -> RE: D/s & mental/emotional health (7/16/2007 12:43:04 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: Ayanaev717 I do agree that, no matter who you choose to have a relationship with there will be some baggage. I am more concerned with the BIG BAGGAGE. Again, if someone has a lot of issues I would at least like for my sub to talk to me about it. To be open about it and then do something about it- if there is something needed to do. Thanks for your response. But you said in your initial post that "I make it very clear that stability is essential to me. Not perfection, but at least a sense of emotional and mental well-being." To me, the way you wrote that, I see that you won't even give the submissive who has the emotional problems a second glance. If you are not willing to do that, why would anybody trust you enough to open up and tell you when they have the 'big issues'. This may sound harsh, and I apologize for it sounding so, but that's how I understand what you've written. If I'm wrong, could you please elaborate further so I can have a better understanding?

welshwmn3 -> RE: D/s & mental/emotional health (7/16/2007 1:10:10 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: Ayanaev717 I have spoken to several potential subs and I make it very clear that stability is essential to me. Not perfection, but at least a sense of emotional and mental well-being. That the sub is self-aware of themselves in the smallest way. I have gathered from my talks that some have a lot of emotional/mental baggage and may use D/s as a way to work through their issue without professional help. As others have said, D/s is not a substitution for therapy. However, it can assist. quote: I believe that D/s deals with a lot emotional and psychological adjustments already. So how do any of you deal with someone who has an emotional/ mental break in a scene? Or let's say has a flashback from childhood or becomes simply emotionally unstable during the relationship? What are some of the things that you have done to debrief the submissive or yourself? I had that once, a flashback in scene. It wasn't something that myself or my Sir knew about, but something that was out of the blue for me. The scene was stopped immediately (this happened at a play party, and the Dom who was scening with me -- not Sir -- picked up on the smallest of indicators that I was in trouble), I was released from my bonds, and the Dom stayed with me until I was back to this time and place. Also, the only one in the room with me was the Dom who'd been scening with me. All others were made to get out of the room. Now, this was a small group, everybody was friends, but still, it worked for us. After that, we all knew not to use knives or anything that would feel knife like. At the time this happened, I was between therapists, as I'd been kicked out of therapy by a therapist who couldn't deal with the fact that I was 'actively engaging in my own re-abuse' (ie, in a D/s relationship and engaging in BDSM activities). quote: Have any of you hung in a D/s relationship with Dom/Dommes or subs that you knew may have some emotional and mental health issues? And why? What did you gain? If you had a vanilla relationship and fell in love with a person who'd been in a messy divorce, would you leave just because occasionally s/he had times where they had issues? Or even months at a time? If you wouldn't leave at the first moment of difficulty, why would you stay? Sir stays with me because he loves me. I stay with him (who has issues due to said messy divorce) because I love him. What did we gain? Each other's increased love. What more do we need? What if you had a relationship where the person was wonderful, no emotional problems, and then got a physical illness that sometimes brings a mental illness with it? Or they had an accident that changed their whole personality? Would you just give them up because of that? quote: I also would like to know if any of you believe that you can use D/s to help either yourself or others work through emotional/mental issues? Or you can trust that if they individual gets help- you work play in scene with them is safe. Thanks for the responses. Always, A Just getting professional help isn't necessarily the answer. There are good therapists, and bad therapists. I've seen some people split the word "therapist" into two words "the rapist". I won't go that far, but having been made to feel like crap abou tmyself by being kicked out of therapy for being in a BDSM relationship... well, I can see how some people would call therapists something else. Sir has used our D/s relationship to help me with issues. Matter of fact, both my Sirs have and still are. I'm also going to see a good counselor. Do I expect either of my Sirs to 'fix' me? Of course not. But then again, I also don't expect my counselor to "fix" me either. Relationships can get messy. When you have humans involved, there's usually some sort of baggage (even if it's just "mom never let me eat ice cream"). If you are looking for a relationship without any messy human emotions that come from traumas at all, I'm afraid you might never be satisfied.

wwwkevinww -> RE: D/s & mental/emotional health (7/16/2007 2:47:21 AM)
I have a strong dislike for therapists. I think they are a waste of time. Freud made this ficticious model up that talking about your problems works thru them...I remember when my parents broke up and my grades were suffering because of the constant yelling. They then decided to send me off the this lame therapist as if I had a problem because I didn't like listening to yelling. Well, I'm missing class (not that I needed it, I was already ahead of what she was teaching), and refused to talk to the therapist besides everything is fine. So we sat around and played candyland and other games. So they are taking me out of class to play games to improve my grades. lol Therapy is a joke. Another lie is that anything said will be confidential. Anything that is important will be shared with the appropriate authorities. I mentioned to one therapist that I was in the wrong school district, and next year they fixxed that mistake, obviously the therapist blabbed. So now we know that therapists are liars & time wasters. Now psychology in general I think is positive, but people talking isn't that helpful. Usually the therapist has there own agenda. I remember one of the few good therapists I went to, and they were quick and decisive, and by the end of the session it was determined i didn't need a therapist... I guess my biggest traumatic experiences are with therapists or mental health experts. If you tell me you have seen a therapist in the past for any length of time or worse, still seeing one, I have no choice but to think we aren't compatible..... My last girlfriend was seeing a therapist, and our relationship broke down because she had an emotional breakdown and basically couldn't continue, started taking lots of meds. I'm hoping she didn't commit suicide, haven't talked to her in awhile. She was also into cutting herself, etc. I mentioned to her mother she should commit her daughter, so if she offed herself I did the best I could do and my hands are clean.

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