RE: When Compatibility Changes (Full Version)

All Forums >> [Community Discussions] >> General BDSM Discussion



Message

Noah -> RE: When Compatibility Changes (7/1/2007 8:34:22 PM)


quote:

ORIGINAL: kyraofMists
What happens when your partner’s desires change over time?  What happens when they expand so much that they are now interested in things that you didn’t want to do or participate in?  Is there a difference if the person changing is the dominant or the submissive in the relationship?

Knight's Kyra


If a person is willing to submit only to things she might just as well have chosen to do herrself, but finds herself doing them at someone eles's behest, that's fine.

I'll admit that it reminds me of someone standing on a street corner and "ordering" passersby to do just as they please. This kind of "ordering" seems to hollow-out the notion of giving orders, for me.

Of course there is another notion of "submission" which extends beyond doing what she would prefer or choose for herself. It enters into the territory of doing something primarily or solely because it is another person's will. This is a notion of submission which I find richer, with room in it for a great deal of poignancy and beauty that--to my mind--just doesn't fit in the notion of submitting if-and-only-if the behavior suits one's preferences, moods, goals, etc.

Whichever notion resonates for any given person is fine with me. I do see a difference in kind existing between them. I'm sure other paradigms exists as well, and all sorts of in between cases, too. I'm not here to call any one true or false, just to offer some description from my point of view.


All that said, I believe in healthy boundaries for every person, inside and outside of relationships, inside and outside of kink.

It sounds as though you are exploring some of yours boundaries. I wish you the very best of luck, for your sake and for that of the other members of your lovely triad.







Wildfleurs -> RE: When Compatibility Changes (7/1/2007 8:40:16 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: kyraofMists

What happens when your partner’s desires change over time?  What happens when they expand so much that they are now interested in things that you didn’t want to do or participate in?  Is there a difference if the person changing is the dominant or the submissive in the relationship?

Knight's Kyra


For us, it means that I accept and adjust.  That takes time and such, but for me its worth it to do so, and some things, while in my perfect world we wouldn't do I know that he enjoys them so that makes it all the more worthwhile and I'm usually able to find some sort of cookie or way to enjoy it also.

I do think its different for a dominant and submissive, I think for the submissive its more incumbent on them to adjust and change.  There are things that I'm interested in that I'm pretty positive we'll never do, but I would not say the same holds true for things my owner is interested in.

C~



BlindDescent -> RE: When Compatibility Changes (7/1/2007 8:56:30 PM)

There is no behavior/action without consequence. Positive or negative, there is still effect. A slightly different view of this topic might be: does one commit to the person or their actions? If one commits to the person, then there would most likely be a stronger impetus to find resolution. If the relationship was based on actions( the BDSM menu of physical and emotional torments and delights); then there might not be quite the same level of personal committment to one's partner. Kind of like going to one's favorite restaurant and finding your favorite dish is no longer served...unilateral change is quite disappointing. And despite the best embrace of tao and zen...it still sucks to be set aside/left behind/deemed irrelevant/not on the same page... regardless of circumstance. Action-consequence-response-karma. 

Slavish; well spoken~*



becca333 -> RE: When Compatibility Changes (7/1/2007 8:56:38 PM)

Each of us suggests new things now and then, so we try them, and see if they'll work for us.  It's natural to grow and change, hopefully together.  If interests diverge, then it'd be a fond farewell. 



CitizenCane -> RE: When Compatibility Changes (7/1/2007 9:47:49 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: slaveish

quote:

ORIGINAL: CitizenCane

quote:

ORIGINAL: slaveish

quote:

ORIGINAL: CitizenCane

An admirable outlook. Are you sure you aren't a Taoist?



Thanks.

I am a Taoist every now and Zen.


That was painful.




Learn to accept and embrace your pain, allow it to open new vistas, to broaden your life skills. In this pain you will find pleasure. In pleasure you find enlightenment; thus, the amount and duration of your pain is directly proportional to the amount of enlightenment you find.

~little cough~


I thought we had already agreed that enlightenment isn't all it's cracked up to be.





ErusUxor -> RE: When Compatibility Changes (7/1/2007 11:27:51 PM)

LA...very well said....I can't add anything to expand that....



slaveish -> RE: When Compatibility Changes (7/2/2007 7:13:03 AM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: CitizenCane

I thought we had already agreed that enlightenment isn't all it's cracked up to be.



Indeed we did. So let's try out greed. You start throwing money at me and I will safeword when it becomes too painful to bear.



CitizenCane -> RE: When Compatibility Changes (7/2/2007 7:15:34 AM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: slaveish

quote:

ORIGINAL: CitizenCane

I thought we had already agreed that enlightenment isn't all it's cracked up to be.



Indeed we did. So let's try out greed. You start throwing money at me and I will safeword when it becomes too painful to bear.


It's an idea.  Let's start with pennies and a wrist-rocket, shall we?



BitaTruble -> RE: When Compatibility Changes (7/2/2007 10:08:20 AM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: kyraofMists

What happens when your partner’s desires change over time?  What happens when they expand so much that they are now interested in things that you didn’t want to do or participate in?  Is there a difference if the person changing is the dominant or the submissive in the relationship?

Knight's Kyra


Activities come and go. The flavor of the week is ever changing and/or evolving so as long as the philosophies and character which brought us together remains, what we may 'do' is of little consequence to me. If I enjoy some 'thing', that's great. Hurray! But, in my heart, I know that even if it may be something 'he' wants as well, I'd be doing it anyway. When I'm doing something that I don't enjoy, don't find pleasant or have to struggle to fulfill, that feeds me so much more because I 'am' doing it all for him and my own ego is left out of the equation. The lowest, hardest, most trying 'things' are when I'm at my best and when I 'feel' most like his slave even if those things are very painful to my heart, my head or my body.

I guess I think of it this way: when I'm at the circus, I'm gonna have a good time no matter what but when I'm mucking out animal dung in the barn just because he wants me to and it makes my heart sing even though my arms wanna fall off to do that service for him, then my mind is where it needs to be for my submission to have meaning and for me to know that I'm still walking the right path for me. That sort of thing gives me internal feedback and if there ever comes a day where I resent my service, it'll be time to re-evalulate where my head is and open a dialogue on what M/s means to both of us.

As usual, I loved your question, Kyra.

Celeste



greeneyes1962 -> RE: When Compatibility Changes (7/2/2007 1:05:02 PM)

There are plenty of activities i could happily never engage in. However they are not hard
limits, so if he wanted to do them then we would do them. It's that simple for me.

Like we were in a BDSM toy shop in NYC Saturday, he saw a leather straightjacket,
and his eyes lit up, imagining me wearing it. I have never thought about it, but if he wanted
me to do that, then I would. Then again, I can't imagine him spending $980.00 for one. [:)]



Sinergy -> RE: When Compatibility Changes (7/2/2007 1:35:49 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: CitizenCane

I thought we had already agreed that enlightenment isn't all it's cracked up to be.



Before enlightenment, beat submissive and enjoy receiving blowjob.
After enlightenment, beat submissive and enjoy receiving blowjob.

Sinergy



GeekyGirl -> RE: When Compatibility Changes (7/2/2007 2:21:50 PM)

People change...you have to sit back and assess whether or not that's a change you can make. Sometimes it's in regards to a kink activity, sometimes a vanilla one...but either way, you have a hard choice.

Those who read my last thread about my ex know that we had something similiar to this come up. It wasn't kink related (he decided at age 40 that having UMS was important to him.) This wasn't something we could compromise on.

I do believe in making an attempt at compromise...if my partner wanted a sexual activity I wasn't into, I would try it...and if it was something I simply couldn't tolerate, I'd have to explain this to my partner. Either he'd get over it, or I'd leave. This came up also with my ex in regards to electric play. I JUST can't do it. He accepted that.



MadRabbit -> RE: When Compatibility Changes (7/2/2007 4:23:36 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: Noah

Of course there is another notion of "submission" which extends beyond doing what she would prefer or choose for herself. It enters into the territory of doing something primarily or solely because it is another person's will. This is a notion of submission which I find richer, with room in it for a great deal of poignancy and beauty that--to my mind--just doesn't fit in the notion of submitting if-and-only-if the behavior suits one's preferences, moods, goals, etc.


quote:

ORIGINAL: Noah

All that said, I believe in healthy boundaries for every person, inside and outside of relationships, inside and outside of kink.


These two statements perfectly describe the opposite ends of my own dilemna.

My first relationship came to a screeching halt when I realized my partner fell into this category...

quote:

ORIGINAL: Noah
If a person is willing to submit only to things she might just as well have chosen to do herrself, but finds herself doing them at someone eles's behest, that's fine.
 

This simply isnt the kind of submission I desire. I didnt find the fullfillment I wanted.

The issue though of future relationships being jeopardized by something I require crossing a boundary is one that I wonder a lot about.

But as I said in the previos thread, there is no magic answer to the question.




meticulousgirl -> RE: When Compatibility Changes (7/2/2007 4:52:53 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: LuckyAlbatross

You hope that you change together.  You hope that you get happiness out of things to a significant level so that the actual compatibility is irrelevant.  You try to work things out so that everyone's still getting what works for them by making changes.

But sometimes things change too much.  I think my first relationship ended because *I* changed too much from 18 to 22- where they wanted our lives to go was no longer what worked for me as a person. 

For me, loving someone means allowing them to be who they are- even if that means not being with me.  That is my ultimate priority and nothing is allowed to interfere with that.  So, even if it meant the relationship had to change or end, if they did change to a certain point, I'd want them to do what they needed to do for their own sense of fulfillment.



Agreed Albatross

just not sure if it always has to involve love though.
I think two people can be happy just caring about the other they dont need to be in a relationship to do it so to speak.



CreativeDominant -> RE: When Compatibility Changes (7/2/2007 4:57:31 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: Noah


quote:

ORIGINAL: kyraofMists
What happens when your partner’s desires change over time?  What happens when they expand so much that they are now interested in things that you didn’t want to do or participate in?  Is there a difference if the person changing is the dominant or the submissive in the relationship?

Knight's Kyra


If a person is willing to submit only to things she might just as well have chosen to do herrself, but finds herself doing them at someone eles's behest, that's fine.

I'll admit that it reminds me of someone standing on a street corner and "ordering" passersby to do just as they please. This kind of "ordering" seems to hollow-out the notion of giving orders, for me.

Of course there is another notion of "submission" which extends beyond doing what she would prefer or choose for herself. It enters into the territory of doing something primarily or solely because it is another person's will. This is a notion of submission which I find richer, with room in it for a great deal of poignancy and beauty that--to my mind--just doesn't fit in the notion of submitting if-and-only-if the behavior suits one's preferences, moods, goals, etc.


I couldn't agree more.  Submission to that which you want to do is easy, submission to someone is harder, and submission to another's will when what he wants you to learn or do when you really don't want to or are fearful of it but submit to him/her and the action because it pleases them and that feeds your submission is hardest yet.  But...as Noah said, richer also.  I realized that one of the many facets that was wrong with my vanilla relationship was that, as long as everything met her need for approval of, and happiness-inducing, then it was O.K..  If what made her happy upset me, well then...I was just being a "inconsiderate man".
Communication throughout these changes is vital but then, you already knew that kyra.

quote:

Whichever notion resonates for any given person is fine with me. I do see a difference in kind existing between them. I'm sure other paradigms exists as well, and all sorts of in between cases, too. I'm not here to call any one true or false, just to offer some description from my point of view.

All that said, I believe in healthy boundaries for every person, inside and outside of relationships, inside and outside of kink.

It sounds as though you are exploring some of yours boundaries. I wish you the very best of luck, for your sake and for that of the other members of your lovely triad.


I too wish you luck.  Given what you folks have shared of your relationship, I have a feeling that it will be worked out somehow in a way that satisfies and enlightens all of you.



LadyHugs -> RE: When Compatibility Changes (7/3/2007 1:10:09 PM)

Dear kyraofMists, Ladies and Gentlemen;
 
No relationship is fair.  It really is a series of negotiations and accomidating the other.  How much though is the key.  Compromising for the sake of catching the fantasy, rather than limiting compromise for the sake of a long term relationship.
 
People grow in different ways within themselves and or their relationships; even in their interests in BDSM, D/s, M/s and or S&m.  This is why those who base a relationship just on BDSM or Leather, don't last as long.  It has something in common but; people are more than BDSM, or sex and it's fantasies and gratification.  Too few really look beyond the immediate.  If there are other things of common interests besides BDSM; it has a good chance for a relationship to last.
 
It is good to discuss ahead of time on the other's feelings on changes.  Will there be a compromised position and or negotiation way of dealing with a part in interests and or an off-set growth pattern and or --a total loss of interest in BDSM; as well as what if's due to medical and or injury crisis.
 
There are no perfect matches but, as I mention in past posts--I will be grateful for anybody who is 80% of what I seek in another person.
 
Just some thoughts.
 
Respectfully submitted for consideration,
Lady Hugs



WhiplashSmile -> RE: When Compatibility Changes (7/3/2007 5:52:42 PM)

Consider this part of a challenge to explore new areas.  Sure it might be pleasent at times, however it will be rewarding in the end.  I believe you are in good hands though.  I suspect in part he is also sensitive to activities that please you as well. ;^) I myself have not fully explored my sadistic sides, perhaps if I do, I might become bored with it in time.  Call it a fad or trend going on for the moment.

Are you worried that he might loose his sensual side completely to the dark sadistic force?  I would say simply express your concerns as best you can.  It's up to him to listen, process and consider things.   Us Doms can only do the best we can do knowing the truth.



kyraofMists -> RE: When Compatibility Changes (7/3/2007 6:09:59 PM)

Noah and CD, thank you for the words of encouragment. 

This post was more a curiosity for me than anything else.  I have a very deep faith that things will work out for the best for our family.  Two years ago the thought of submitting to having needles stuck into me for play was just too much to even comprehend.  I would get squicked just from seeing pictures of it done.  Today, I am starting to anticipate it and not for the activity but because he wants to do it. 

Knight's Kyra



kyraofMists -> RE: When Compatibility Changes (7/3/2007 6:22:14 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: WhiplashSmile

Are you worried that he might loose his sensual side completely to the dark sadistic force?  I would say simply express your concerns as best you can.  It's up to him to listen, process and consider things.   Us Doms can only do the best we can do knowing the truth.


Your question made me smile; he doesn't have much of a sensual side, not when it comes to sex and play.  He is very loving and expresses deep emotions to Alandra and I, but he is not usually sensual during sex or play. 

I remember the first week that we were together he and I had sex and he did not hurt me.  I was worried that he didn't like me anymore and I think I cried.  *g*  Pain is foreplay for us and it is rare that we have sex without it, so no, I am not worried that will go away.

We have discussed this in-depth and he will move forward when he thinks I am ready.  I am not really worried about it anymore.  As someone said, I am in the relationship because of the man and not because of the activities that we may or may not do.

Thank you for your thoughts.

Knight's Kyra




Page: <<   < prev  1 [2]

Valid CSS!




Collarchat.com © 2025
Terms of Service Privacy Policy Spam Policy
0.03125