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reactions from vanillas... - 6/14/2005 3:09:29 AM   
fencerpet19


Posts: 169
Joined: 2/7/2005
Status: offline 		I had a strange thought/revelation earlier today. Has anyone ever noticed that vanilla guys and girls react differently to our kink? For example... today I hanging out with some people (all vanillas) and one of my friends was digging through my backpack for some gum, and came across my pair of handcuffs that I had forgotten to take out. She, like any good friend, holds them up like a dead rat and announces "Why do you have handcuffs in your backpack?" to everyone in the room. I like talking about my kink though, so this lead to a fun discussion about BDSM.

I noticed, however, that all the guys in the room were far more accepting of it and were even intrigued by my kinkyness than the girls. When asked, almost all the guys wanted to tie up a girl or handcuff her or spank her (some even admitted to wanting to be on the receiving end). But every single one of the girls was freaked out by the mere thought of a pair of handcuffs touching their wrists. And none could ever picture themselves tying a guy up, let alone hitting him.

Just curious if anyone else has noticed this or has thoughts as to why it might be.
Cheers,
~fp

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"When I'm good I'm very, very good. But when I'm bad I'm better." - Mae West
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RE: reactions from vanillas... - 6/14/2005 5:21:27 AM   
LadyAngelika


Posts: 8070
Joined: 7/4/2004
Status: offline 		We obviously don't hang out with the same girls!

I don't particularly talk about my kink to everyone. I'll discuss it with close friends if it is topic appropriate. I find as much acceptance and curiosity from both genders.

Perhaps it has something to do with age as well. Most of my friends are in their 30s and I notice that women in their 30s often, but not always, are more willing to explore sexually then they were in their 20s. I mean I was a perv in my 20s and now I'm an überperv!

- LA

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Une main de fer dans un gant de velours ~ An iron hand in a velvet glove

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RE: reactions from vanillas... - 6/14/2005 5:32:22 AM   
Isolde


Posts: 213
Joined: 4/18/2005
From: Hamilton, Ontario
Status: offline 		There is also the possibility that those girls were just less willing to admit in front of a mixed (or even an unmixed) audience that they've thought about things like that. I'm still new enough to all of this that I know I'd have a difficult time confessing in front of a group of casual friends, no matter how accepting they seemed of it. It could be that one or more of them went home with visions of handcuffs dancing in their heads.

(in reply to LadyAngelika)
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RE: reactions from vanillas... - 6/14/2005 5:32:50 AM   
EmeraldSlave2


Posts: 3645
Joined: 1/1/2004
Status: offline 		Ditto with LA, mostly from girls I get curious questions and from men I get blank, almost scared, stares. Let's face it, MOST men my age don't know how on earth to handle a sexually empowered female. Well, most women don't either but that's another issue.

It really depends on the person, their outlook. If someone becomes MY friend, then they know all about me, my kink, my relationships, and they are accepting and happy for it, even if they don't "get it" or want it themselves.

(in reply to LadyAngelika)
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RE: reactions from vanillas... - 6/14/2005 7:30:56 AM   
sub4hire


Posts: 6775
Joined: 1/1/2004
Status: offline 		I've never gotten any reaction from vaniila's that I haven't gotten from lifestyle people.
Generally curious. Wanting to learn more. Now what they take with the knowlege they receive I don't know.

I've converted a great many people over to the lifestyle. Maybe I'm just always ready for those questions so I always have the right thing to say...dunno.

(in reply to fencerpet19)
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RE: reactions from vanillas... - 6/14/2005 12:00:15 PM   
FangsNfeet


Posts: 3758
Joined: 12/3/2004
Status: offline 		You live in Oregon. We all feel for you.

< Message edited by FangsNfeet -- 6/14/2005 12:05:24 PM >

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RE: reactions from vanillas... - 6/14/2005 3:37:42 PM   
ginger21


Posts: 173
Joined: 4/28/2005
From: Austin, Texas
Status: offline 		My reactions have been mixed at best...

We all know how it went down with my mother. *shudder*

My two female friends find it incredibly sexy while one of my male friends just doesn't get it. "Why would you want someone to hurt you?" he asks.

We have a good time talking about it though. They are all quite curious.

(in reply to fencerpet19)
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RE: reactions from vanillas... - 6/14/2005 4:42:49 PM   
CalliopePurple


Posts: 2539
Joined: 11/29/2004
From: SeaTac area
Status: offline 		I'm pretty open with who and what I am, regardless if that's referring to my religion, sexuality, or kinks, so I've learned that, the more casual you are about it, the more casual people tend to take it.

My mom's into bondage, so I had no trouble telling her when I needed her to delete this and a couple other sites from my bookmarks when I was on vacation a few months ago. My younger sister (she's 16) has asked me offhand questions about S&M, so I do my best to answer them.

My friends have an idea of what I'm into and I'd be glad to explain if they ever had any questions. So far, I haven't had any bad reactions to anything I've told others. Either I'm lucky or people seems okay with it because I'm okay with it.

_____________________________

Kimi ni aitakute dare yori mo aitakute
hajimete kimi ni atta hoshizora no shita de.
Kimi ni tsutaetai todokanai omoi demo
boku no kokoro wa mada kimi o sagashiteiru.

Gackt - Kimi ni Aitakute

(in reply to ginger21)
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RE: reactions from vanillas... - 6/14/2005 10:00:57 PM   
gretchen


Posts: 121
Joined: 3/8/2005
From: Santiago, Chile
Status: offline 		A couple of weekends ago, Stephan and I went to my big-brother's apartment for a few drinks. I was wearing my training collar (black leather, ring, and metal part engraved with his name), wich was bought on a petshop (there's no BDSM stores in this goddamn country!). It's certenly easy for people to notice that I'm his property.

The only comment he made to Stephan about it was: "You are allowed to hit women, only if they ask for it". He also said something like: "I'm gonna kill you if you hurt her"...But he was pretty waisted then.



< Message edited by gretchen -- 6/14/2005 10:02:23 PM >

(in reply to fencerpet19)
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RE: reactions from vanillas... - 6/14/2005 10:13:33 PM   
MadameDahlia


Posts: 2021
Joined: 8/11/2004
From: SoCal aka Hell
Status: offline 		My sister occasionally picks up my crop and swings it through the air - then giggles madly, puts it down and skips away.

Mom had my best interests at heart when she bought a fly swatter from the grocery store and asked if I could use it.

Dad tries to understand - though he doesn't seem to understand that when I'm teasing the cat to lure him back inside the house I don't need him yelling "Dominate the fucker!"

And all of my friends, male and female, know and accept who I am and what I do - as long as I'm not threatening to put anything inside any (most!) of the men's bums.

_____________________________

Insanity -- a perfectly rational adjustment to an insane world.
--R. D. Laing

"Oh, but if I went 'round sayin' I was Emperor, just because some moistened bint lobbed a scimitar at me, they'd put me away."

(in reply to gretchen)
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RE: reactions from vanillas... - 6/14/2005 10:30:00 PM   
mnottertail


Posts: 60698
Joined: 11/3/2004
Status: offline 		I find it amusing to think about what vanillas think when we are vanilla (every fucking one of you) and (me too) and I don't understand this self-taught guilt.............................so how is it different when someone digs in my backpack and pulls out einstiens relativety and says.........oh, look, I wonder what this is for. (yeah, i read it)..............I was lost at santa claus.........lie to your children..........thats what it is............no pasting wallpaper. People fuck, and there is a world of people to prove it.....christians call it immaculate conception, because they had to explain how you have a baby without god fucking but after that..........what is the introspection in what we do? What do vanilla people do? This is a distinction without a difference...........OMFG you actually do face-to-face and kiss? how weird................(cello, this is for you.........ODER?)

I am saying this to avoid any pedantics,.........cello is owned not by me but by who I hope to call a friend.............................and I am sure if I said ANYTHING out of line MssrBob would have my ass (lol.c)
Ron

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RE: reactions from vanillas... - 6/15/2005 1:34:34 AM   
fencerpet19


Posts: 169
Joined: 2/7/2005
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: FangsNfeet
You live in Oregon. We all feel for you.


LMAO! You're right, Oregon is the most vanilla state in the US I swear! We actually have a city called Boring Oregon hah!

quote:

Dad tries to understand - though he doesn't seem to understand that when I'm teasing the cat to lure him back inside the house I don't need him yelling "Dominate the fucker!"


I am seriously in tears right now laughing! I can so picture that cuz I always have to coax my cat inside when she escapes out the front door! It would be an awesome SNL sketch... the parents who try to understand but really don't. hahaha

One reason the girls are so freaked by it could be the fact that we all went to a private Catholic high school, and they were brought up thinking that sex is the devil lol. From my experience, though, guys have always been turned on by a girl willing to be handcuffed and spanked than visa versa. Interesting how we all have such different experiences though.

_____________________________

"When I'm good I'm very, very good. But when I'm bad I'm better." - Mae West

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RE: reactions from vanillas... - 6/15/2005 2:30:11 AM   
MadameDahlia


Posts: 2021
Joined: 8/11/2004
From: SoCal aka Hell
Status: offline 		He really does try. It's amusing.

He just doesn't understand that luring the cat back inside with a toy is far different than an over the knee spanking or sliding a collar around another's neck. Ah... but at least he tries. The very first time I came out he was quite rude. He apologized the day after and has been trying ever since.

-grins- In fact I was teaching him what "fetish" meant the other day.



_____________________________

Insanity -- a perfectly rational adjustment to an insane world.
--R. D. Laing

"Oh, but if I went 'round sayin' I was Emperor, just because some moistened bint lobbed a scimitar at me, they'd put me away."

(in reply to fencerpet19)
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RE: reactions from vanillas... - 6/15/2005 2:52:27 AM   
fencerpet19


Posts: 169
Joined: 2/7/2005
Status: offline 		Man, that's great! I can totally picture my Dad acting like that (if I ever tell him that is). My friend Carmen is exactly like that though. Once I was in her room and sat down on the bed on top of the TV remote. Now I had a bruise on my butt (honestly it was from fencing and nothing else) and I kind of swore and winced at it. She started to ask what it was, then got this serious/concerned look on her face and says, "Oh... right... I'm sorry. That must really hurt... I forgot". But she was so serious about it I could not stop laughing. Which made her even more confused. Which made me laugh even harder. And it went on like that for a good minute before I was rushing to the bathroom to keep from peeing lol. Ahh, vanillas can be just so amusing

_____________________________

"When I'm good I'm very, very good. But when I'm bad I'm better." - Mae West

(in reply to MadameDahlia)
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RE: reactions from vanillas... - 6/15/2005 3:18:19 AM   
MadameDahlia


Posts: 2021
Joined: 8/11/2004
From: SoCal aka Hell
Status: offline 		-grins- Awesome. And you know... laughter is a damn fine way of exercising those muscles... burns calories! Just all around good...

... So tell a vanilla friend today!

_____________________________

Insanity -- a perfectly rational adjustment to an insane world.
--R. D. Laing

"Oh, but if I went 'round sayin' I was Emperor, just because some moistened bint lobbed a scimitar at me, they'd put me away."

(in reply to fencerpet19)
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RE: reactions from vanillas... - 6/15/2005 9:00:30 AM   
fourpeas


Posts: 243
Joined: 5/6/2005
Status: offline 		HAHAHAHAHA laughing at the story about fencerpet's bruise from fencing that was actually from fencing...

My closest friends are the only ones who are really hearing all the details of the story. Everyone else I just conveniently leave those details out. *evil laugh*

My close friends were initially concerned that I was going to end up with a domineering man who was going to want to leave me locked up in the house and take me away from friends and family. I understand that works for some people but it doesn't work for me.

Now, about 2 1/2 months later, they are starting to become more interested and they feel that my Dom is in the process of proving himself to be true and proving his motives to be honorable.

I would NEVER tell my mother or my family. Mostly just because I don't live with them anymore, so I don't have to worry about them finding that... but at the same time... All relationships have their "kinks" I don't think that the vanilla marriage where the husband has a mistress and the wife sleeps in a separate bedroom is any less odd than anything that people could possibly do. I didn't even know I wasn't "vanilla" until I did some research and found out that there were some common threads in what I was experiencing and an established power dynamic...

Also I don't know that it's anyone's business (with the exception of you guys of course! LOL) what I do in my bedroom. I'm not particularly crazy about hearing what my co-workers or acquaintances do in bed, and definitely not my family. oh lord. not my family.

So as long as I'm healthy and happy I don't think my parents need to know at all. Just my opinion.

(in reply to MadameDahlia)
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RE: reactions from vanillas... - 6/15/2005 9:59:57 AM   
EmeraldSlave2


Posts: 3645
Joined: 1/1/2004
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: fourpeas
Now, about 2 1/2 months later, they are starting to become more interested and they feel that my Dom is in the process of proving himself to be true and proving his motives to be honorable.

Well, he also MET you offline, that alone is a good step in the right direction. I've met every serious relationship I've had initially online and I am still highly skeptical of a relationship until they've at least met rt.

quote:


Also I don't know that it's anyone's business (with the exception of you guys of course! LOL) what I do in my bedroom. I'm not particularly crazy about hearing what my co-workers or acquaintances do in bed, and definitely not my family. oh lord. not my family.

Well it's anyones business you want it to be. Even my vanilla friends and I commonly have sex talks. For me, Ms is hardly "just in the bedroom" and anyone close to me needs to be aware of that, of how my relationships work and how my life with them might be different than they are used to (ie, plans can change quickly, needing permission for some things).

But that's different from the general public at large.
quote:


So as long as I'm healthy and happy I don't think my parents need to know at all. Just my opinion.

Agreed. My mother is and will remain unaware that I am owned, and while at some point she might have to be faced with the fact that I have multiple serious relationships (instead of just "dating a few people at the same time") it would be a serious discussion and undertaken only after assessing HER need to know.

(in reply to fourpeas)
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RE: reactions from vanillas... - 6/15/2005 10:57:50 AM   
RiotGirl


Posts: 3149
Status: offline 		Love the story about your Dad Dahalie!!! Thats hilarious and i burst out laughing = )

i convert and explain to everyone. i try and do so in the way where they see the postive. My mother tries to understand when i first told her about my Dom her only worry was "he isnt a sadomasochist" is he? (i giggled at the question and privately thought, noooo he's a Sadist) Though i have gone on to explain my masochism to her. Oh she's not comfortable with it, but whats she going to do? She accepts it, but doesnt like it. Taking the fact that i'm "letting some one run my life" and thats a cope out. Yeah and with barely knowing him, she tries to get in my head and mess with my faith and belief him.

My brother chalks it up to Ying and yang. i think my little sister just chalks it up to be being wierd again. i try to explain maoschism and stuff of the sort to people in a way they can understand it. i usually ask them, do you like it when the nails go down your back? Or when wax is dripped on you? Or maybe your hair pulled alittled? Ever heard of "tapping" that ass? Those things can hurt alittle, there is alittle pain involved, but it FEELS good. (i usually get a yes out of one of those questions) That just because it "hurts" doesnt make it not feel good. And that masochism is alot like that but just alittle bit more extreme. As usually people cant undersand "enjoying pain"

To family vanilla's i just try and explain about how good it is for me. That it adds to my life. Oh i sort of mentioned it to my Dad, and my grandmother. Cant wait to talk to my aunt about it. As she's mentioned handcuffs to me a few years ago.

i do get some bad reactions. Like from friends who knew me when i was in an abusive relationship 7 years ago. Which is when i stay more along the lines of "kink based" Really i just tend to gauge my audience on how and what i tell them. i "feel" them out first.

(in reply to EmeraldSlave2)
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RE: reactions from vanillas... - 6/15/2005 11:08:25 AM   
fourpeas


Posts: 243
Joined: 5/6/2005
Status: offline 		I think also some of my "don't ask don't tell" thing stems too from the profession that I'm in and also the fact that my Dom was formerly in a relationship with a submissve (several years ago) who felt it was her duty to "out" him... This was when he was just getting involved, testing out his limits and learning about himself. It was a sticking point for him and I remembered that conversation distinctly.

So. I like having a few secrets too.

(in reply to RiotGirl)
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RE: reactions from vanillas... - 6/15/2005 12:06:37 PM   
sub4hire


Posts: 6775
Joined: 1/1/2004
Status: offline
quote:

My friends have an idea of what I'm into and I'd be glad to explain if they ever had any questions. So far, I haven't had any bad reactions to anything I've told others. Either I'm lucky or people seems okay with it because I'm okay with it.


I think that is actually the key. If you are uptight about it, other's around you are also going to be uptight.
I recall a discussion a few year's ago I had with my nephews about sex. I had asked them why they didn't talk to their father about it. They told me it was because he was'nt ok with it. They knew that and could sense it, so they were'nt ok.

I imagine it is the same thing with the lifestyle. Just because we are part of it doesn't mean we are "ok" with it. If we believe deep down we may be doing something wrong, then we are not going to discuss it openly and freely.


(in reply to CalliopePurple)
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