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RE: insecurity & jealousy - 7/3/2007 9:57:07 AM

SirDominic

Posts: 711
Joined: 11/22/2006
Status: offline

I have lived on open lifestyle with my wife for over 20 years, and here is my take on what is happening with the OP. Specifically relating to multiple ongoing relationships.

Jealousy is always a big danger. Some people are naturally jealous and possessive, and those sorts just cannot handle this kind of thing at all. From what I have read of the OP's posts, this is not the case. What she IS dealing with is a lack of set parameters, which is the root cause of the problem, and is the fault of the Dominant.

When one is not in a monogamous relationship, it is very important that everyone involved know where they stand in the group. It's almost like a pecking order. I my case, my wife is first, my slave is second. That doesn't mean I love either of them less. It does mean that they both understand the rules of the relationship, and are willing to accept that place and be happy there.

The actual arrangements don't really matter, and depend completely on the individuals involved. The arrangements can be as straightforward or as outlandish as you wish. The critical factor is that everyone knows where they fit into the relationship. This is vital to keeping everyone satisfied as it gives everyone a ruler to judge if they are, or are not, receiving the amount of attention that was agreed to.

This is what the OP has not gotten from her Dom, as near as I can tell. He has his relationship with her, and his relationship with others, and he has not defined the parameters of where everyone fits into the equation. Left unsure of where she really stands, it is completely understandable to me that this particular situation would bother her as it does.

Forcing her to write an email to his ex saying what she felt, and having her apologize was a humiliating thing to make her do. If this is what the Dom intended, he got what he wanted, as well, as putting the sub in her place in a cruel manner. And she got the point too. Don't make waves like this again or I will make sure you are embarrassed and humiliated even more.

If his intent was to help her with her insecurities, he blew it Big Time.

Namaste, Sir Dominic

_____________________________

You teach best what you have lived.

(in reply to velvetears)

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Post #: 21

RE: insecurity & jealousy - 7/3/2007 10:04:59 AM

Celeste43

Posts: 3066
Joined: 2/4/2006
From: NYS
Status: offline

You being LDR makes a difference. Would you prefer he spent his birthday alone rather than with her?

Or is he simply closer to her emotionally on all levels? Because if she's his best friend then you are in second place and will continue to be so. If the only thing that's changed is that they no longer have sex together, then he still isn't emotionally available.

Who does he call first if he has news, you or her? Because that tells you more than anything else. If he gets a promotion at work and things first to tell you, then you are coming first. If he calls her first, then she's more important to him than you are.

As far as trying to make you less jealous by making you humiliate yourself to her, that's bound to make you dislike her more, not less. What's next, a threesome?

Basically you wouldn't be jealous of her if you were getting your needs met. If you really felt that you were his first priority then you wouldn't care that he said she was taking him to dinner to celebrate.
Do you want to remain in a relationship where your needs don't matter? Your call.

(in reply to LuckyAlbatross)

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Post #: 22

RE: insecurity & jealousy - 7/3/2007 11:35:12 AM

pleasureforck

Posts: 95
Joined: 7/2/2007
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: beargonewild
I have to strongly agree with LA on this. In my mind, a man being able to remain friends with an exgirlfriend and/or an exwife, shows a high degreee of personal maturity on his part The OP solely stated that her bf is planning on doing something with the ex on his birthday, which doesn't automatically mean they will be getting intimate. My sense is the OP is feeling jealous and upset because she's too far away to be able to help her bf celebtae his birthday, eg - dinner, shopping, a walk in the park, etc.

This explains exactly how I'm feeling. He would never be intimate with anyone other than me. This is purely a friendship. That's why I know its irrational being jealous. He is a caring man and would never do anything to hurt me. Me emailing her was something that I liked. I was able to tell her that I was his and makes me feel more secure actually. Plus it was the first time we told someone I was his submissive and for him to want her to know to me showed he was as proud as I was. He did not do this to humiliate me. In fact I think he knew that this would make me feel better knowing how I get affected by things. Sometimes I feel like he is my therapist. He seems to know we so well and knows how to help me.
I am moving closer to him next week so we will be able to see each other one weekend a month. I think being with him more will help my insecurity.
Thanks for all the responses. I see how things can be interpreted so differently by people. It's good though cause it gave me perspective. I see more clearly how lucky I am to be with him.

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Post #: 23

RE: insecurity & jealousy - 7/3/2007 1:03:58 PM

slaveofKaos

Posts: 143
Joined: 2/16/2007
From: California
Status: offline

I feel for you and am very insecure when it comes to one of my Master's ex slaves. My Master is working with me on this and recently bought me two books:

Overcoming Jelously & Possessiveness by: Paul A. Hauck
The Tender Heart, Conquering Your Insecurity by: Joseph Nowinski, Ph.D

I have finished the Jealousy book and while I have found im not a jealous person I am an insecure person and this book is helping me understand why and what I can do about it. You might want to try it. I wish you luck with this I know how hard it can be.

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slave jodi

(in reply to LuckyAlbatross)

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Post #: 24

RE: insecurity & jealousy - 7/3/2007 1:08:35 PM

Polynikes

Posts: 27
Joined: 6/3/2007
Status: offline

I think that what you feel is natural and common. Your feeling is an instinctual response. There are some things that are just written into our dna. In the early days of our existence the presence of another woman would threaten your wellbeing. Her presence might mean that you would lose your protector and provider. The solution at that time would be for you to bash her brains in with the nearest stone. If you think about it in those terms your reaction was quite reserved

. You may be your BF's sub, but He is your man. If you didn't feel threatened to some degree then I would be surprised. Don't be ashamed of how you feel. As a Dom I am flattered when my sub or slave is threatened by the presence of another woman. So don’t sweat it. I think you are normal. Now get a rock and go bash that bitch’s dome in

!

_____________________________

"No beast so fierce but knows some touch of pity."

"But I know none, and therefore am no beast."

Richard III | Act I, Scene 2
William Shakespeare

(in reply to pleasureforck)

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Post #: 25

RE: insecurity & jealousy - 7/4/2007 6:04:06 AM

shyinini

Posts: 550
Joined: 5/4/2007
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: SirDominic

~~snip~~

Jealousy is always a big danger. Some people are naturally jealous and possessive, and those sorts just cannot handle this kind of thing at all. From what I have read of the OP's posts, this is not the case. What she IS dealing with is a lack of set parameters, which is the root cause of the problem, and is the fault of the Dominant.

When one is not in a monogamous relationship, it is very important that everyone involved know where they stand in the group. It's almost like a pecking order. I my case, my wife is first, my slave is second. That doesn't mean I love either of them less. It does mean that they both understand the rules of the relationship, and are willing to accept that place and be happy there.

The actual arrangements don't really matter, and depend completely on the individuals involved. The arrangements can be as straightforward or as outlandish as you wish. The critical factor is that everyone knows where they fit into the relationship. This is vital to keeping everyone satisfied as it gives everyone a ruler to judge if they are, or are not, receiving the amount of attention that was agreed to.

This is what the OP has not gotten from her Dom, as near as I can tell. He has his relationship with her, and his relationship with others, and he has not defined the parameters of where everyone fits into the equation. Left unsure of where she really stands, it is completely understandable to me that this particular situation would bother her as it does.

~~snip~~

If his intent was to help her with her insecurities, he blew it Big Time.

Namaste, Sir Dominic

Because of an insecurity I have been having, I brought the OP's post anonymously to Sir. He said in essence EXACTLY what Sir Dominic did and refuses to allow me to sabatoge our relationship based on an insecurity he can and will help me with ~~ HAS BEEN as well.

Implicit trust is HUGE and he feels if I have a shred of mistrust, he has NOT done his job. He has never given me any reason to mistrust him. He is as straight with me as the sun rises in the East and sets in the East.

Thank you Sir for allowing others to see another great POV.

In my Sir's service, His treasured girl

_____________________________

With grace and gratitude, I am owned.
A Man who always seeks to be the best He can be for you
is the only Man truly worthy of being called Sir.

(in reply to SirDominic)

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Post #: 26

RE: insecurity & jealousy - 7/4/2007 8:13:23 AM

arayofsunshine55

Posts: 545
Joined: 8/1/2004
From: San Francisco, CA
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: pleasureforck

They are good friends and they definitely have the kind of friendship that it's not a big deal. He says she will understand when she sees it. We are long distance. That's why I haven't met his friends and thats a big part of why I get so insecure. Here is this woman who he shared 5 years with, that is getting to be with him for his birthday when I can't.

This is a huge challenge. You are long distance and that is already a stretch and a strain. And you probably were already upset about not being able to spend his bday with him, part of the LDR challenge. And of course he spent it with those he loves. Assuming you have actually met in person, it may be time to meet his friends and vice versa. When you move closer and see each other one weekend/month this may not go away.

The other thing I would say is that you say you don't believe he'd be intimate with another but your other words and actions seem to say that you are not actually that sure. This may just be my reading of the siutation. But what I would suggest that you be really clear what you actually think and feel rather than what you think you should feel or what he thinks you should feel.

Good luck.

_____________________________

Sunshine

Is it not most transformative, most earthshaking, to pierce the veils of self-deception and illusion, and crack the eggshell of ignorance, to most intimately encounter oneself? Lama Surya Das

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Post #: 27