Quick points for new subs (Full Version)

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Croctden -> Quick points for new subs (6/14/2005 12:26:34 PM)

I think it is important for new subs to keep in mind that there is no BDSM rule book; every Dom has his own way of doing things. If you have a hard and fast conception of what a Dom is, you’re going to be disappointed. We vary as great as any other collection of human beings. So do subs. Hell, so do all D/s relationships. This would be why communication is so important (even more so than for vanilla couples). If something is bothering you, don’t internalize it without saying so because you think you need to trust you master. First of all you shouldn’t trust someone who keeps making you do things you don’t like and never questions you about how you feel. If a Dom demands trust from a sub he also implicitly accepts responsibility for their care. Also trust doesn’t mean he’s omniscient. We are trusting you as well. Not just to not be a psycho, but to be honest. If you’re not, then the relationship is doomed from the start.

In some sense I think writing this is pointless, every sub seems to go through the same mistakes, I guess it is the process of learning, the same a teenagers dating. Most Doms going through a learning process too, most of us have they hyper fear moments when we start where we won’t let subs talk to anyone else because we want what we imagine is complete control and are terrified of being poached. Don’t worry ladies: most of us come to realize you can’t squeeze someone that tight unless we want to choke off what makes them a vibrant human being and then we grow out of it.



sub4hire -> RE: Quick points for new subs (6/14/2005 12:52:18 PM)

quote:

In some sense I think writing this is pointless, every sub seems to go through the same mistakes, I guess it is the process of learning, the same a teenagers dating. Most Doms going through a learning process too, most of us have they hyper fear moments when we start where we won’t let subs talk to anyone else because we want what we imagine is complete control and are terrified of being poached. Don’t worry ladies: most of us come to realize you can’t squeeze someone that tight unless we want to choke off what makes them a vibrant human being and then we grow out of it.


It isn't pointless as long as one person reads it and gets something from it. Then it was all worth it.

I concur, the lifestyle is different for each and every one of us.
Communication is paramount in any relationship. Along with trust, honesty...etc..etc.



EmeraldSlave2 -> RE: Quick points for new subs (6/14/2005 1:04:44 PM)

Hmm wrong thread, weird.



perfection20005 -> RE: Quick points for new subs (6/14/2005 6:52:36 PM)

I agree with sub4hire, if it helps only 1 person, then its worth writing.

perfection



happypervert -> RE: Quick points for new subs (6/14/2005 9:26:59 PM)

quote:

I think it is important for new subs to keep in mind that there is no BDSM rule book

Why limit this advice to new subs? Aren't new doms also looking for the instruction book and often end up posing like caricatures of domliness complete with stern demeanor, talking down to every woman by addressing them with something like "little one" or "girl" along with barking commands, and otherwise just making asses out of themselves?

This reminds me of something I've noticed in these forums -- a phenomenon I call the "one post wonder". These are single posts usually made by doms and they tend to fall into one of two categories:

1. The "rude sub" post because e-mail doesn't get a reply
2. The knight in shining armor post with sage advice to help all the doe-eyed newbie subbies

This almost looks like an example of the second category, except it is lacking the usual thinly disguised personal ad with a reference to so many years experience as a loving and caring master along with claims of being sincere about wanting to help the new subs while implying they should contact him for more wise guidance. As a matter of fact, the part about wondering if the post is pointless is the opposite of all that other phony stuff; makes me think there's a 50% chance you might actually stick around to post on other topics. I'd be more optimistic if you had made an attempt to engage others in conversation by also soliciting ideas instead of just posting a little lecture.



Croctden -> RE: Quick points for new subs (6/15/2005 7:30:34 AM)

With that type of welcoming greeting how can I not post again?

You are half right; I may indeed end up being a one hit wonder, or at least a few hit wonder. For a while I was big on another board, but came to the realization I was spending more time posting than going out and enjoying my life. Only time will tell if I post on other threads

On the other hand I’m not posting to try to get subs to flock to me, I may not be the smartest ol’ fella in the world, but I’m not that stupid. I’d also rather be called an artist than a knight in shining armor.

Allow me to elucidate why I posted: I bumped heads a few new subs recently (not all were my own - just having general conversations) and repeatedly these types of issues came up. I tried to give some quick advice to one, who naturally spat on it. However since I already had it written it I expanded it a bit to so others could read it and benefit. Then I told myself no one was really going to be helped by this, but since I had already crafted it I went ahead and posted it for the aesthetic appeal.



fourpeas -> RE: Quick points for new subs (6/15/2005 10:17:02 AM)

I think it's important to be an individual and have realistic expectations... I'm not sure how that's really advice... but... oh well...



sub4hire -> RE: Quick points for new subs (6/15/2005 12:31:25 PM)

quote:

With that type of welcoming greeting how can I not post again?

You are half right; I may indeed end up being a one hit wonder, or at least a few hit wonder. For a while I was big on another board, but came to the realization I was spending more time posting than going out and enjoying my life. Only time will tell if I post on other threads

On the other hand I’m not posting to try to get subs to flock to me, I may not be the smartest ol’ fella in the world, but I’m not that stupid. I’d also rather be called an artist than a knight in shining armor.


Well, I hope you do stay for a while. We desperately need some good conversation on the board's. If anyone was here a year ago..and now you know what I'm talking about.
Even if you are full of yourself. You were big on other boards, makes me have to ask. Why are you here? What happened?
Hey, you started it. Now the inquisitive want to know.
On Collarme you can watch the amount of time it takes someone to post. Some here literally take 45 minutes. For me, I'm here a lot..but I also never take more than a minute to write a response no matter how brief or detailed it is.
Learn to type faster and you won't spend so much time here.
Hehe.



Croctden -> RE: Quick points for new subs (6/15/2005 12:48:32 PM)

Not big as in popular, big as in posted often. Perhaps I should have said big into

It is not the typing that takes so much time as reading through all the various threads and comments



quietkitten -> RE: Quick points for new subs (6/15/2005 2:20:00 PM)


quote:


Well, I hope you do stay for a while. We desperately need some good conversation on the board's. If anyone was here a year ago..and now you know what I'm talking about.



I sent a message to a couple of our regular posters who were involved in those good conversations... they have been conspicuously absent for a while now, and I miss them. One replied that he was too busy with life and the other did not respond. Here's hoping that they will feel the pull of the boards once more and add some lively discussion to the posts! [:)]



sub4hire -> RE: Quick points for new subs (6/15/2005 2:45:58 PM)

quote:

I sent a message to a couple of our regular posters who were involved in those good conversations... they have been conspicuously absent for a while now, and I miss them.


No one has said that to me yet. I get other responses all seeming to be the same.

Well, one is dealing with a sub he picked up online who ripped him off and a dozen or so others...so court dates for him.



quietkitten -> RE: Quick points for new subs (6/15/2005 2:54:25 PM)

I am sorry to hear that. I hope that it goes well for him.

If they don't come back I might cry[:(][:(]



happypervert -> RE: Quick points for new subs (6/15/2005 6:12:34 PM)

quote:

With that type of welcoming greeting how can I not post again?

heh. That's pretty good. Occasionally that sort of welcoming greeting does provoke a response to turn a one post wonder into a two post wonder. However, the second post is only to stomp his feet, throw a little fit, and try to make us (or just me) feel guilty for being a smart-ass. As amusing as the foot stomping can be, I think we'd rather have folks stick around.

Now that we know you've posted a lot on other boards I guess I'll have to revise my estimates. I'll guess there's a 95% probablility that you'll stick around and make 25 posts so you get get another triskelion symbol above your name, and an 80% liklihood you'll get to 100 so you get handcuffs.



Croctden -> RE: Quick points for new subs (6/15/2005 9:19:17 PM)

Given that I reading two people go back and forth about how much better the board used to be, that's not a very good bet.



quietkitten -> RE: Quick points for new subs (6/16/2005 7:43:11 AM)

well consider this your personal challenge to help make the board better!!



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