Some jokes

Some jokes (Full Version)

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MasterScotsWill -> Some jokes (7/3/2007 4:24:21 PM)
One day, a man came home and was greeted by his wife dressed in a very sexy nightie. "Tie me up," she purred, "and you can do anything you want." So he tied her up and went golfing. ************************************************ A woman came home, screeching her car into the driveway, and ran into the house. She slammed the door and shouted at the top of her lungs, "Honey, pack your bags. I won the lottery!" The husband said, "Oh my God! What should I pack, beach stuff or mountain stuff?" "Doesn't matter," she said. "Just get out." ********************************************** Marriage is a relationship in which one person is always right, and the other is a husband. ********************************************** A Polish immigrant went to the DMV to apply for a driver's license. First, of course, he had to take an eye sight test. The optician showed him a card with the letters: 'C Z W I X N O S T A C Z.' "Can you read this?" the optician asked. "Read it?" the Polish guy replied, "I know the guy." ********************************************** Mother Superior called all the nuns together and said to them, "I must tell you all something. We have a case of gonorrhea in the convent." "Thank God," said an elderly nun at the back. "I'm so tired of chardonnay." ************************************************ A wife was making a breakfast of fried eggs for her husband. Suddenly, her husband burst into the kitchen. "Careful," he said, "CAREFUL! Put in some more butter! Oh my GOD! You're cooking too many at once. TOO MANY! Turn them! TURN THEM NOW! We need more butter. Oh my GOD! WHERE are we going to get MORE BUTTER? They're going to STICK! Careful . CAREFUL! I said be CAREFUL! You NEVER listen to me when you're cooking! Never! Turn them! Hurry up! Are you CRAZY? Have you LOST your mind? Don't forget to salt them. You know you always forget to salt them. Use the salt. USE THE SALT! THE SALT!" The wife stared at him. "What in the world is wrong with you? You think I don't know how to fry a couple of eggs?" The husband calmly replied, "I just wanted to show you what it feels like when I'm driving."

HypnoticDan -> RE: Some jokes (7/3/2007 4:34:48 PM)
applause

becca333 -> RE: Some jokes (7/4/2007 2:45:27 AM)
[:D]

slave2MasterD -> RE: Some jokes (7/4/2007 7:39:20 AM)
May i add this one for the amusement of all?? FHA Loan A New Orleans lawyer sought an FHA (Federal Housing Administration) loan for a client. He was told that the loan would be granted if he could prove satisfactory title to a parcel of property being offered as collateral. The title to the property dated back to 1803, which took the lawyer three months to track down. After sending the information to FHA, he received the following reply: "Upon review of your letter adjoining your client's loan application, we note that the request is supported by an Abstract of Title. While we compliment the able manner in which you prepared and presented the application, we must point out that you have only cleared the Title to the proposed collateral property back to the year 1803. Before final approval can be accorded, it will be necessary to clear the title back to its origin." Annoyed, the lawyer responded as follows: "Your letter regarding Titles in Case No. 189156 has been received. I note that you wish to have Titles extended further than the 194 years covered by the present application. I was unaware that any educated person in this country, particularly those working in the property arena, would not know that Louisiana was purchased by the U.S. from France in 1803, the year of origin identified in our application." "For the edification of uninformed FHA bureaucrats, the title to the land prior to U.S. ownership was obtained from France, which had acquired it by Right of Conquest from Spain. The land came into possession of Spain by Right of Discovery made in the year 1492 by a sea captain named Christopher Columbus, who had been granted the privilege of seeking a new route to India by the then reigning monarch, Isabella." "The good queen, being a pious woman and careful about titles, almost as much as the FHA, took the precaution of securing the blessing of the Pope before she sold her jewels to fund Columbus' expedition." "Now the Pope, as I'm sure you know, is the emissary of Jesus Christ, the Son of God. And God, it is commonly accepted, created this world. Therefore, I believe it is safe to presume that He also made that part of the world called Louisiana. " "I hope you are satisfied. Now, may we have our Title?" s2MD

Trampler -> RE: Some jokes (7/4/2007 9:51:46 AM)
Masterscotswill the last one should be required reading for women. I am one of the few women who doesn't do that. Though I usually find out before I get into a relationship with someone whether or not they can ask directions. lol

MasterScotsWill -> RE: Some jokes (7/6/2007 12:27:56 AM)
Moaning all night ================= A groom and his newlywed wife go to the Hilton for their honeymoon night. At the front desk, they check in, and the receptionist gives the groom the key to the bridal suite. The whole evening the people in the next room are phoning down to the main desk to complain about all the moaning, which doesn't stop for one minute the whole night. Next morning at 6 am, the groom phones down to room service. "Hi, could I get some breakfast brought up here?" "Sure, what would you like?" asks room service. The groom says, "Well, I have to replace all the energy I lost last night so you'd better get me 6 fried eggs, 9 sausages, 12 slices of toast and 6 liters of orange juice!" Room service replies, "Gee, that's quite an appetite you got there. Is that for your wife as well, or just for you?" "No, that's just for me. Can you send up six pieces of lettuce for my wife as well?" Room service asks, "Why six pieces of lettuce?" The groom replies, "I want to see if she can eat like a rabbit as well!"

MasterScotsWill -> RE: Some jokes (7/15/2007 11:29:22 AM)
A man is flying in a hot air balloon and realises he is lost. He reduces height and spots a man down below. He lowers the balloon further and shouts: "Excuse me, can you help me? 1 promised my friend 1 would meet him half an hour ago, but 1 don't know where 1 am." The man below says: "Yes. You are in a hot air balloon, hovering approximately 30 feet above this field. You are between 40 and 41 degrees N. latitude, and between 58 and 59 degrees W, longitude." "You must be an engineer" says the balloonist. "I am" replies the man. "How did you know?" "Well" says the balloonist, "everything you have told me is technically correct, but 1 have no idea what to make of your information, and the fact is 1 am still lost." The man below says "You must be a manager." "I am" replies the balloonist, "but how did you know?" "Well", says the man, "you don't know where you are, or where you are going to. You have made a promise which you have no idea how to keep, and you expect me to solve your problem. The fact is you are in the exact same position you were in before we met, but now it is somehow my fault."

Mikal -> RE: Some jokes (7/15/2007 3:18:10 PM)
lol... I heard that one before, but it was a Democrat and a Republican... [:D]

MasterScotsWill -> RE: Some jokes (7/18/2007 9:16:51 PM)
Chinese Proverbs Chinese Proverbs **************** Confucius say... Man who wants pretty nurse, must be patient. Confucius say... Passionate kiss, like spider web, lead to undoing of fly. Confucius say... Better to be pissed off than pissed on. Confucius say... He who walk through airport door sideways going to Bangkok. Confucius say... Boy who go to sleep with stiff problem wake up with solution in hand. Confucius say... Man with hole in pocket feel cocky all day long. Confucius say... Couple on 7 day honeymoon make hole weak. Confucius say... Girl who sit on jockeys lap get hot tip. Confucius say... Girl who sits on Judge's lap gets honorable discharge. Confucius say.... Lady who go camping must beware of evil intent. Confucius say... Man who keep feet firmly on ground have trouble putting on pants. Confucius say... Man who stand on street corner with hands in pockets, not feeling crazy, feeling nuts. Confucius say... Squirrel who runs up woman's leg not find nuts. Confucius say... Woman run faster with skirt up, than man with pants down. Confucius say... He who run behind bus get exhausted. Confucius say: Man who leap off cliff jump to conclusion. Confucius say... Man with tight trousers is pressing his luck. Confucius say... He who fishes in others' holes often catches crabs. Confucius say... Man who go to sleep with itchy bum wake up with smelly finger.

MasterScotsWill -> RE: Some jokes (7/22/2007 4:03:15 AM)
Last Night I walked into a public toilet where I found two cubicles, of which one was already occupied. So I entered the other one, closed the door, dropped my trousers and sat down. A voice came from the cubicle next to me: "Hello mate, how are you doing?" I thought it a bit strange but not wanting to be rude I replied "Yeah, not too bad thanks." After a short pause, I heard the voice again "So, what are you up to mate?" Again I answered, somewhat reluctantly it must be said. Unsure what to say, I replied "Umm, just having a quick poo.. How about yourself?" I then heard the voice for the third time ..... "Sorry mate, I'll have to call you back. I've got some d!ck head in the loo next to me answering everything I say."

Hanable -> RE: Some jokes (7/22/2007 2:47:09 PM)
lol loved them all.. thnx guys. H >:)

SirEbonyPhoenix -> RE: Some jokes (7/22/2007 4:02:18 PM)
Riddle me this: What kind of salad do Masters have for dinner? A: Seize hers (Ceasar's)

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