Did rape or abuse influence your becoming a Sub or a slave?

Did rape or abuse influence your becoming a Sub or a slave? (Full Version)

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Spiderbite -> Did rape or abuse influence your becoming a Sub or a slave? (7/3/2007 10:40:58 PM)
Greetings... Ladies, I would like to know if any of you have been "indoctrinated" into this lifestyle due to rape(s) or some other abusive situation(s) in your past. I have seen this situation a few times, and I am concerned with rape play and other activities that might rekindle a negative situation. Please understand that I am not fishing for details of your past, I am trying to determine if a woman with such a past, desires to be submissive by her own free will.

mistoferin -> RE: Did rape or abuse influence your becoming a Sub or a slave? (7/3/2007 10:50:43 PM)
I have seen many people come into this lifestyle thinking that they can use it to deal with past issues. In my opinion, it is not a healthy way. BDSM is not a replacement for therapy. You have a responsibility to yourself and your potential partners to get yourself as mentally healthy and healed as you can before you venture down this path.

Spiderbite -> RE: Did rape or abuse influence your becoming a Sub or a slave? (7/3/2007 10:53:27 PM)
I would agree, thank you for your replies

mistoferin -> RE: Did rape or abuse influence your becoming a Sub or a slave? (7/3/2007 10:59:19 PM)
You are most welcome and I would just like to let you know that you are also welcome to contact me on the other side if you feel there is anything I can help you with.

slaverosebeauty -> RE: Did rape or abuse influence your becoming a Sub or a slave? (7/3/2007 10:59:41 PM)
Being a slave is who I am. Yes, I have survived 3 rapes by 3 different men, did they change me, hell yes they did; they turned my world upside down, the last was from my now exhusband. Rape changes how you view yuorself, others and everthing else, its what you do afterwards that makes a difference. I have always been drawn to strong men, those who are 'protective' by nature, ex/current military men, ex/current law enforcement; so in some ways, being in that 'position' made lifestyle men more appealing, yet, it wasn't what I looked for, I like a man for who he is, NOT for his lifestyle choice. MJ is exmilitary, as far as I know, He does know I have survived 3 rapes, we don't talk about them, we may in time, right now, not an issue. I have gotten over most of my flashbacks, I get them on occassion, I have taught myself to handle them when they occur as best I can; I avoid certain situations, and a few of my limits are inaccordance with those things. I do take precautions before I do anything with a partner, safewords are a BIG thing I can use if I get a flashback, I have learned how to bring myself back, if I can't then I have to rely on my partner to calm me down and to remind me I am safe, then just hold me until I calm down. I do NOT engage in 'rape play' ever, its a hard limit, the last thing I need is to violenty act out because of 'rape play 'as yuo call it. Their is NOTHING play about rape. Rape is a violent act, its a misnomer when people say 'play rape' or 'rape play;' those terms make light of what rape is, its a violent act, nothing play about it.

chellekitty -> RE: Did rape or abuse influence your becoming a Sub or a slave? (7/3/2007 11:06:10 PM)
i think its one of two things or a combonation there of... 1) people with a passive submissive nature are more likely to be taken advantage of 2) people in general in this lifestyle are more open and accepting so we don't have to hide it...there were some statistics that my city government put out recently, that 1 in 4 children in the city of San Antonio faced some kind of abuse...in 10 or 15 or 20 years is 1 out of every 4 people in the city of San Antonio going to be submissive....ummm no... that being said, i agree that there are some people who find bdsm and go ooo look, someone to fix me/take care of me/help keep me in the victim role...heck i did it years ago...but luckily i had some honorable Dominants who went...umm get yourself better then look for a relationship...i think, that "i love you but you need more help than i am able to give" was a break up line of like half of my relationships as an adult....so...i am working on me...and not worrying about fixing myself with something outside...i've done it with relationships, food, alcohol and drugs, location changes...none of it works...no matter what i do, if i am trying to fix it with something on the outside, the inside will never get better... my 2 cents chelle edited to add: ok now that i've read the whole post...whoops... as a trauma survivor, i can only say to be open with your partner...let them know whats going on and why something is a hard limit, like rape play or for me belts...if they are worth their salt, they will say "ok, thanks for telling me, we won't go there until you're ready" or something like that... if the abuse was recent or even old and undealt with...see a therapist, get thru the issues first then determine if being a submissive is what you want...like i said earlier.... there are some people who find bdsm and go ooo look, someone to fix me/take care of me/help keep me in the victim role...but if you are relatively mentally healthy and aren't holding on to that kind of idea and you still want to be submissive...chances are...you are...don't fight it, embrace it, and look for someone else relatively mentally healthy to have a relationship with

dasein42 -> RE: Did rape or abuse influence your becoming a Sub or a slave? (7/3/2007 11:09:07 PM)
An odd thing is that the dommes I'm close to, except for one exceptionally butch girl, the subs I'm close to, and the vanilla girls I was close to earlier in my life, have all survived either rape or molestation. In my own case I was molested, the worst part for me was (at age 9), being dominate. I was a dominat child who became a dominant adult. I wonder if simply rape and molestation are so prevalent in our society that a high percentage of subs/slaves were abused but not higher than the popul;ation in general. Mitdasein

becca333 -> RE: Did rape or abuse influence your becoming a Sub or a slave? (7/3/2007 11:23:20 PM)
Nope. Just a happy untraumatised sub.

becca333 -> RE: Did rape or abuse influence your becoming a Sub or a slave? (7/3/2007 11:27:30 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: chellekitty i think its one of two things or a combonation there of... 1) people with a passive submissive nature are more likely to be taken advantage of For some kinds of rape, that would seem to put them more at risk - eg date rape. But risk-takers are more likely to get into a dangerous situation that could deteriorate into violence. Statistics, inexact as they are on this subject, indicate that age, behaviour, clothing, body type, and a range of other factors, don't influence the crime. But you're right that how people deal with it afterwards can vary greatly depending on situation and personality.

pussinbootz -> RE: Did rape or abuse influence your becoming a Sub or a slave? (7/4/2007 6:28:19 AM)
For me it was the opposite... I had been abusive relationships and it caused me to rail against my submissive side. I didn't trust anyone to give a shit about me so I wouldn't give them the chance to take advantage of me. I started out as bottom for that reason, refusing to be at the mercy of someone's whim... because for me that would just take me back to where I had been all those years. It wasn't until I started actually meeting people from the community, and understanding the underlying dynamic of submission that I realised that I was tarring every dom with the same brush and that I would possibly meet someone who actually would treat my submission with the respect and honour that it deserved. I can joyously say that I have found that person in MM. I still hold back a little and there are times when I have flashbacks, like the other weekend... but MM helps me through it and I can actually start to heal the past. So, yeah, previous abuse did affect my kink... but in the opposite way to what people expect. I didn't look for healing in submission, but I am finding it. Puss

cinnfulhussy -> RE: Did rape or abuse influence your becoming a Sub or a slave? (7/4/2007 6:29:57 AM)
Nope.

adoracat -> RE: Did rape or abuse influence your becoming a Sub or a slave? (7/4/2007 6:36:32 AM)
i was raped. i was abused. but i was raised southern, and you (as a female) are taught to wait on the man, that he is head of the house, and that was that. so all of those factors played into who i am. kitten, who knows there is no one-size-fits-all anything

MistressNoName -> RE: Did rape or abuse influence your becoming a Sub or a slave? (7/4/2007 6:52:09 AM)
Don't people ever get just tired of questions of this sort? Honestly, call me paranoid, but I wonder sometimes if people coming on here asking these questions are just trying to get their term papers done. No one lives in a vacuum and anything that one goes through may have some influence on one's behavior. I know of someone who was raped and is submissive and uses, along with her Dom, rape/ravishment scenes within her M/s relationship to deal with her feelings around that event...and does so quite effectively. The key to her success, if you will, is knowing herself and her limits extremely well, knowing her Dom extremely well, understanding the dynamics and limitations and risks involved with rape play and having constructed along with her Dom an effective and mutually satisfying way to explore this type of play. Is rape play for everyone? Not by any means. Should someone who has been traumatized by rape engage in rape play? Maybe, maybe not...it would depend on the circumstance... But certainly many people enjoy this type of scene and are able to do it in a way that is relatively "safe," sometimes healing, and definitely hot. MNN

sambamanslilgirl -> RE: Did rape or abuse influence your becoming a Sub or a slave? (7/4/2007 7:06:55 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: MistressNoName Don't people ever get just tired of questions of this sort? Honestly, call me paranoid, but I wonder sometimes if people coming on here asking these questions are just trying to get their term papers done. No one lives in a vacuum and anything that one goes through may have some influence on one's behavior. thinking the same here. when i attended my senior prom (20yrs ago), i was almost sexually assualted and though i was able to stop my date, this way not the influencing factor that made me submissive. i was already one - just took me a long time to figure that out.

shyinini -> RE: Did rape or abuse influence your becoming a Sub or a slave? (7/4/2007 7:14:49 AM)
Submissive by personality. Choice to be involved in D/s and my Sir's sexual appetite of kinks. [:)] Raped? yes, anally Abused? yes, verbally, sexually, physically, emotionally BUT I will not however, permit the sins of the people in my past to be paid for by the people (or myself) in my present nor my future. To answer the question of the curious, I am sure many do. Sir's treasured cumslut

AquaticSub -> RE: Did rape or abuse influence your becoming a Sub or a slave? (7/4/2007 8:18:25 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: Spiderbite Greetings... Ladies, I would like to know if any of you have been "indoctrinated" into this lifestyle due to rape(s) or some other abusive situation(s) in your past. I have seen this situation a few times, and I am concerned with rape play and other activities that might rekindle a negative situation. Please understand that I am not fishing for details of your past, I am trying to determine if a woman with such a past, desires to be submissive by her own free will. Oh god NO. I have been molested once and that was long after I'd already started down the path of submission. Being a submissive does not mean I was raped or abused. If that was true, 1 out of every four women would be submissive!

nearnyccouple -> RE: Did rape or abuse influence your becoming a Sub or a slave? (7/4/2007 8:49:07 AM)
never raped or abused. Its just how Im wired and who I am. cassie

slaveish -> RE: Did rape or abuse influence your becoming a Sub or a slave? (7/4/2007 8:51:57 AM)
A lot of people have triggers. By the time that sorf of intense play starts, there have been many conversations that give all parties a general idea of what's going on in the others' minds. Subs still flip. Doms still flip. If it bothers you, don't engage in that sort of play.

Wildfleurs -> RE: Did rape or abuse influence your becoming a Sub or a slave? (7/4/2007 8:59:00 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: Spiderbite Greetings... Ladies, I would like to know if any of you have been "indoctrinated" into this lifestyle due to rape(s) or some other abusive situation(s) in your past. I have seen this situation a few times, and I am concerned with rape play and other activities that might rekindle a negative situation. Please understand that I am not fishing for details of your past, I am trying to determine if a woman with such a past, desires to be submissive by her own free will. I've never been raped, abused, molested, etc. I had a happy and healthy childhood and I am close with my family. I don't have any mental illnesses, nor am I taking any medication for such afflictions. I don't have a perfect relationship with my dad, but I do have a relationship with him. C~

cuddleheart50 -> RE: Did rape or abuse influence your becoming a Sub or a slave? (7/4/2007 8:59:25 AM)
Never raped, never abused, well, maybe verbally by asshole ex. [8\|]

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