So you've all seen the wonderful; please help with the not so wonderful (Full Version)

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earthycouple -> So you've all seen the wonderful; please help with the not so wonderful (7/5/2007 3:27:09 PM)

For those of you who see our frequent posts you know that Robert (my slave) and I are wonderfully happy together.  We've found our niche with each other very easily and I knew before we ever met we would be great together.

The issue is settling into a ready-made family and home sickness.  Picture this:  You leave a place thinking "no big deal, just moving" and then realize that certain times of the year hit you hard because you are somewhere new now.  Some people miss you more than you expected they would miss you and vice versa.  Picture further:  You now have not only a mistress to please but her husband to be social with and her UM's for whom you are now a role model. As well you have no other friends in your new hometown beyond your new family. While you go into the relationship knowing this, putting it into practice is NOT easy.  There are intricacies that you simply can not get without living there full time.

Now I am doing everything I know to do to make this easy on Robert.  We talk about what is difficult for him and try to give him tools for things like dealing with the UM's.  I have of course made it very clear that he is welcome to go back to PA and visit any time he likes.  I have told him that breaks are good and if he needs to get out of the house to have some time to himself, I fully encourage that and respect the need.  He and my husband have talked and are on a better level now (they always got along but now it's a better understanding of each other).  We are also trying to get him back into some of his hobbies and likes so he can meet others with whom he can build friendships.

Why am I posting today?  Because I'd like to know what you think and feel about this. Sometimes knowing others have gone through the same thing helps.

Can service to your dominant be enough of a pro to negate the cons?

What strategies do you have to help cope with such a huge change? 

Do you have empathy and/or have a similar story that worked out well? (Please don't tell us the bad stuff...we are trying to keep him here! *S*)
 
Thanks!



slaveish -> RE: So you've all seen the wonderful; please help with the not so wonderful (7/5/2007 4:16:22 PM)

This will be an interesting thread, Donna. I haven't moved to The House yet, don't have immediate plans to do so, and will be watching with interest. ~flopping down next to Robert and patting his leg~



MistressNoName -> RE: So you've all seen the wonderful; please help with the not so wonderful (7/5/2007 4:35:23 PM)

I have read posts of yours that have mentioned Robert on several occasions...and in general, it sounds like a good situation. My general reaction/feeling about your post is that he's got a huge adjustment to make. And that everyone adjusts at a different pace. I think in general you are doing good things to aid him in this adjustment, particularly in efforts to get him to develop his own interests and make friends in the area...but he may also be resisting that out of a sheer sense of loss...the loss of his former environment. And it may just be too soon for him to feel okay about going out there and forging new relationships.

Is service to you going to be enough? Well, honestly, I don't think so...not because you're not a great person or a wonderful Domme to serve, but because we are multi-dimensional and we need lots of things in our lives to achieve some semblance of balance. Right now, he may need some time simply to lick his wounds, as it were. But, if his heart is in the right place and he is truly committed to you and your household, I do believe he will make the adjustment. Especially if you continue to be very supportive of his needs. Hope that helps some.


MNN



dawntreader -> RE: So you've all seen the wonderful; please help with the not so wonderful (7/5/2007 4:35:46 PM)

Donna,
i have made many moves in my life for a variety of reasons...the last one alone after my divorce, leaving 10 years of friends and involvement in my community. Robert is fortunate to have you and your family and it seems you are doing and offering all that you can but it takes time for an adjustment. This seems normal~
i wish you all well.



sleazybutterfly -> RE: So you've all seen the wonderful; please help with the not so wonderful (7/5/2007 4:48:23 PM)

I know exactly how he feels.  I moved from my birthplace to be with Master last year.  It's away from all of my friends, family, and anything I have ever known.  I admit that during the holidays it was worse, but I call a lot and that helps.

I am still trying to adjust even now.  Last night I was feeling very homesick, that happens sometimes.  I just miss being where everyone I know is, and where I can go around town and feel comfortable.  Those are the times when it does strain the relationship a bit.  It's not anyones fault, but I think it's hard to give up everything you have known and having to adjust to being around someone elses family and friends.  I feel alone and I still don't know anyone.

I am now out working which helps a bit.  I am free to get out of the house when I want, and I am encouraged to go home when I have the time.

I will say I have had a few doubts since I got here, I don't think there is a way to get around it.  You hear of all that is going on with people you know and you aren't there to share in it.

On a good note though.... I will say that changing everything about my life was worth it.  I love Master very much and I can't imagine a day in my life when he is not there.  There are many more good days now that several months have passed than bad ones.  I think it's only natural to miss your loved ones, there isn't anything wrong with that.

It's an end to things, but also a wonderful beginning.  I can now start over where no one knows me, I can be anyone and anything I want without worrying about running into an ex gf or bf around the corner.  So while there is some sadness, it needs to be looked at more like an adventure.  You are starting a new chapter in your life with someone you long to be with.  Not very many people ever get that in life, so it's worth a bit of the sad, or bad stuff to be able to wake up every single day and know that person will be there waiting on you.

I wish you luck..hang in there, get through the coming holidays..with each passing week making it all feel more like home.



LuckyAlbatross -> RE: So you've all seen the wonderful; please help with the not so wonderful (7/5/2007 5:33:02 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: earthycouple
Can service to your dominant be enough of a pro to negate the cons?

For me, no.  A full happy life with a new family is.
quote:


What strategies do you have to help cope with such a huge change? 

Time, first and foremost.  Plan visits "back home" and make a real effort to stay busy and active in your town. 

I had it real bad missing my nephews when we moved last year.  That was the worst part and there were some really bad nights because of it.  But you get by.  We kept busy- went to movies, saw local sites, found "new to Austin" groups and met up with others.  It helps that Austin really is a great town with something ALWAYS going on.

We built our new family together.  We didn't see it as someone "moving in" we saw it as all of us "building a new life together" so it wasn't just one person making all the bending.  And my partner was awesome in being understanding and has actually pushed me to go visit more often than I consider sensible.

So, in brief:
Make it about building a new life with EVERYONE
Make sure to help them feel they aren't LOSING what they had, simply gaining more
Stay busy and help them find stuff they love about their new digs



earthycouple -> RE: So you've all seen the wonderful; please help with the not so wonderful (7/5/2007 5:37:49 PM)

Thanks so much and I hope to hear more! 

I agree with you MistressNoName that I alone and service to me is not enough...if it were I don't think I'd want him the way I do.  He'd be boring if he had no other wants and interests.



salilus -> RE: So you've all seen the wonderful; please help with the not so wonderful (7/5/2007 5:50:15 PM)

Being able to have the chances to socialize helped me immensely when I moved here (munches, socials, dinners, parties, etc... as well as non-bdsm activities with say, coworkers). I've not made any really close friends yet, but to just getting out and being around other people and enjoying myself, has made me a lot more comfortable.

When I stayed in the house and attempted to hyper-focus on nothing at all but service, is when I felt overwhelmed and stressed.



completenz -> RE: So you've all seen the wonderful; please help with the not so wonderful (7/5/2007 6:22:35 PM)

hi
i also know how he is feeling. 14 months ago i moved here to be with Him. Yes, i missed my family and friends terribly but that was expected. It was the unexpected feelings that caught me out. Things like going into my local cafe and getting a hug and a 'chrissie' put down in front of me. lol. i missed my regular customers from work and , believe it or not, i even missed my grumpy old boss!!! Knowing where to go to buy things, getting my bearings has taken time. i still havent found that perfect cup of coffee but i am working on it.
It takes time, i know that. i also know i am where i belong, with Him. We have a wonderful life together, i love the place i now call 'home' because it is 'our' home. His family live locally and they have accepted me with love. He has always been aware of how i feel and has done His best to make it easier for me. We have spent a lot of time walking around town exploring the history of the place ( i am a history buff) We have places that are now 'our' places. i have a part-time job and discovered the great library lol
i have read many of your postings and you guys just feel 'right'. It does get better, honest. Just hang in there
hugs
chrissie



heartcream -> RE: So you've all seen the wonderful; please help with the not so wonderful (7/5/2007 6:58:26 PM)

ok my second post, lick lick the vanilla cone.

a coupla years ago i moved from canada to australia to be with a man. i had no idea how difficult that was gon be. i lived in the usa for 13 years so i knew what it felt like to be away from home but oz was/is so so far away. and the the culture shock --i had a real hard time with it and which i did not foresee. so many things different, like the night sky, the way the stars and moon looked. i really truly love oz, it is so wonderful and the people were great too.

i had no idea the aching of homesickness i would feel at times. feeling so alone especially when he and i were not gettin along, i had nowhere to go, no one to talk to. i was there a year and began to get used to things. where i was so breathtakingly beautiful. i loved all the birds and the ocean. it was a hard adjustment tho.

so when i came back here for the visa, we had planned to marry for my papers and he instead hooked up with some older black lady i was shocked for sure.

i say all this to say, yes, moving away from all you know is so so so hard but you can do it if your heart is in it. it takes loads of time to re-establish but it happens in time, new roots grow, it becomes your own too. then again if you dont belong somewhere, if that is not your right place well you wont stay there. simple as that altho believe me i know after crying morning noon and night for 7 months it isnt easy either

if Robert stays wif you it is because he loves you and he genuinely belongs there with you and your husband.



beargonewild -> RE: So you've all seen the wonderful; please help with the not so wonderful (7/5/2007 7:08:47 PM)

Greetings. From the sounds of it, you're doing a good job to make Robert's move an easier transition for him. The fact that your husband and the UMs have accepted him into their lives is a major bonus. I have done many moves over the years, for work or for personal reasons and it is tough to readjust to new surroundings and new living dynamics.
   One of the best ways to cope is to get involved in one's new community outside the home.Volunteering, joining a club of some sort and to continue persuing one's personal hobbies. It will take time for Robert to not feel so homesick and knowing he can travel back to see family and freinds will help in the long run.



classykindasassy -> RE: So you've all seen the wonderful; please help with the not so wonderful (7/5/2007 7:41:21 PM)

Big changes can take time to adjust to. No one, not even Robert himself, should expect him to not have the feelings he's going thru. For Robert, NOT making himself "bad and wrong" for feeling like he does, and simply allowing himself to move through the spaces of adjustment with compassion and understanding, while at same time not relinquishing roles and duties...this will be a major key to getting through. Sometimes, some of us are harder on ourselves to be "perfect" and not have human feelings going on, when really it is the most natural thing in the world. Much compassion and open communication - this is the biggest tool.



AquaticSub -> RE: So you've all seen the wonderful; please help with the not so wonderful (7/5/2007 8:50:32 PM)

I'm going to say this upfront: I haven't been in this situation but I can suggest the things I think would help me. I've been thinking a lot about what will happen if I move with Valyraen back to his hometown, where I don't know anyone but his folks and a few of his friends.

quote:

ORIGINAL: earthycouple

Can service to your dominant be enough of a pro to negate the cons?

It would help me if Valyraen helped me find things I'm interested in to do. Particularly things that got me interacting with other people and making friends. If he found a Civil War reactment company, festivals or a great martial arts school, I would be thrilled. It would remind me of how much he does care about my happiness and show how much he wants me to be happy in this new place.
quote:


What strategies do you have to help cope with such a huge change? 

Encourage them to make new friends and maybe help them continue with their personal hobbies. Make sure they are able to have contact with their old friends, but not so much that they are the only people he/she is talking to. You want them to mix the old with the new.
quote:


Do you have empathy and/or have a similar story that worked out well? (Please don't tell us the bad stuff...we are trying to keep him here! *S*)

I wish you all the best of luck. Having watched my friends move around the country and do their own thing, I have really noticed that people's happiness depends on their determination to be happy. Hopefully he find things in his new enviroment that make him happy there. Perhaps he can take lessons on pottery, painting, etc, with the UMs to help create a bond between them?

Edited for typo



earthycouple -> RE: So you've all seen the wonderful; please help with the not so wonderful (7/5/2007 8:57:05 PM)

More good suggestions and input...thanks so much.

I have definately been encouraging Robert to start checking out local things that I know he enjoys, such as golfing.  Next on my personal list is getting him to bdsm events...a munch or two and out to one of Chicago's clubs.  I personally feel that finding someone who identfies as he does (sub/slave) will help too.

This isn't simply about keeping him here; it is about ensuring his fulfillment and happiness as a well rounded individual with his own thoughts and needs. 

Still looking forward to reading more.  Robert has also taken a look at the thread thus far and I know he appreciates hearing he's "not the only one".  Of course realistically we know that already but seeing it is good.

Thanks!



viperess -> RE: So you've all seen the wonderful; please help with the not so wonderful (7/5/2007 9:19:58 PM)

Greetings,

It sounds to me that You are doing much to ensure his happiness there with You and Your family. i can very well understand how he is feeling at this time as i moved half way across the US back at thanksgiving leaving behind family including 3 UM's and many friends to a place where i knew no one except Master and sis whom i had talked to for only a short while. Coming to a strange place can be hard mostly when you have no support system of friends around you. There will be days when he will feel safe and secure there but other unexpected times a since of lonelyness or missing those who meant so much to him will hit. Knowing he can express his feelings and talk to You about it durning those times is a big help. Knowing that he is wanted there by You and Yours will go a long way towards helping during the times when he feels misplaced. i think it is very commendable that You are striving to help him during this adjustment period. i wish all of You the best of luck.

Respectfully,



earthycouple -> RE: So you've all seen the wonderful; please help with the not so wonderful (7/6/2007 12:31:29 PM)

Thanks so much again for your thoughts and replies!
Donna~



losttreasure -> RE: So you've all seen the wonderful; please help with the not so wonderful (7/6/2007 4:44:41 PM)

Four months ago I left my home, my friends, my closest family, and a familiar workplace to move over 800 miles away to be close to FirmhandKY.  We don't live together yet and we aren't even in the same town.  I didn't know a soul when I got here and if I didn't work, I would still not know a soul... though I might have more time to get out and meet people.  [;)]

I can definitely empathize as it can be hard and a bit lonely at times.  I gather Robert lives with you so he does at least have the comfort of someone to just talk to about his day.  Also, for some it isn't easy to make friends... especially as an adult, so I wouldn't push him.  Aside from just being there for him when he needs you most, I'm not sure there's much you can do to help him adjust.  It will simply take time.

Edited to add: 

lol... I forgot to say that, though it's been challenging at times, I wouldn't change a thing. This is where I belong.



spanklette -> RE: So you've all seen the wonderful; please help with the not so wonderful (7/6/2007 8:10:48 PM)

I moved from New Orleans to WA state to be with Daddy...talk about a culture shock. I left everyone I ever knew behind and thought that I would get out here and life would turn to peaches and cream because we belonged together. Not so, not even close.
 
I am already well on my way to a fulfilling career while most of the people my age in this area are either military or puff puff give. The military folks already have a gaggle of friends and the others, well...it's just not my bag anymore.[:D]
 
It's taken me nearly two years not to want to pass up the exit on the interstate for home and just keep driving until I get back to where I came from. It's just different. It took me a while to realize what great opportunities I had passed up in my insistence on being miserable here and also to stop relying so heavily on our relationship as a social crutch.
 
But, homesickness still rears its ugly little head...like yesterday when something really crazy happened at work and I called Daddy (who didn't answer), my assistant (who didn't answer), my brother (who didn't answer)...getting the drift...anyway, it just made me feel very isolated and gave me the weird urge to rock back and forth repeating "No man is an island."[8D]
 
In time, you get past it and you start to cultivate the things that are finally starting to grow into your new home. I think coming to this realization and becoming more self-reliant has made Daddy a lot happier with me and made us both more at ease. For a while there, I thought He was going to pack us both off to New Orleans before I made Him homesick for a place He's never lived...
 
Anyway, Robert just needs to be patient with himself. New lives aren't easy to create, but they are very rewarding when they do come to fruition. I had to learn the hard way, but then again, I always do...



RedheadGirlNY -> RE: So you've all seen the wonderful; please help with the not so wonderful (7/6/2007 9:38:18 PM)

Moving, a new relationship and a new job at the same time?  It's what happens when people want to be together and are committed to making things work.  From what you have each written in previous threads, it sounds like you planned really, really well for a lot of the contingencies.  It's also putting three of the top ten most stressful life events into the same little time capsule and shaking thoroughly. 

Having made it this far, you've beaten the odds, haven't you?  Kudos.  I would guess you've made it over more hurdles than you're even aware of having scaled.  Pat yourselves on the backs, really. 

Eight years (this week) after moving across the country, I can look back and wonder how the bloody hell I survived, 'cause the contingencies you worked on for Robert certainly weren't planned here.  Though the relationship didn't become what I thought, I became more than I ever imagined I could be, even in my wildest fantasies.  So, it's not a "failure" story at all (grin).....

I love my adopted home, returning to the midwest is now "visiting."  The thought of living far from salt water is now foriegn .  I acknowledge that living in the centre of the known universe is a privilege and try not to go on and on and on about it (insert snarky emoticon here for the edification of the humor-challenged).  "Pop" is now "soda," "upstate" is above 79th Street.  Wearing a Cubs hat or Bears jersey isn't the smartest move when at Shea or the Meadowlands.  NY pizza is as good as it's gonna get, here and it can be pretty good. 

Thank G-d for visits and Aurelio's. 

Red (New Yorker by choice, Cubs and Bears fan for life)






TemptingNviceSub -> RE: So you've all seen the wonderful; please help with the not so wonderful (7/7/2007 11:57:25 AM)

To the OP..I am an ex-wife of a military man.When we married , I knew as an adult that I would be leaving all my comfort zones..ie: friends, family,familiar surroundings..but also knew that most in life, when they become adults do not remain stagnate. We all seperate from our first families to develop another.Now when married to this man,we moved on average every 3 years. New places, new relationships etc..You eventually settle and adapt, you create other friendships, and interests.All you can do for Robert is to be there for him, give him time,he will adjust and adapt , he will find his footing in his own time and way...Tempting



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