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abuse and feelings - 7/5/2007 5:47:53 PM

SeeksOnlyOne

Posts: 2012
Joined: 5/14/2007
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some of the other topics got me to thinking........lawd help us all......

i was sexually abused as a child.......for many years......until i got bad enough to whip his ass......eventually, 5 years older isnt enough.....and i have tucked that away in my mind, having talked to cousins and many other women, and realizing it doesnt really make me special in any way.......it happened......move on....

all that said, after getting divorced, and discovering D/s while surfing for porn, cause dang us women are hard to keep satisified, and i was boring me with my masturbation techniques....

in the 4 years that i have done thinking about this entire thing called submission, i have come to realize that it is something i have always craved.....my marriage caved after almost 20 years because the sex died, and although sex may only be 10% of a relationship, it is sometimes the most important 10%. the sex died because i was no longer to jump in bed and have 10 minutes of bliss

, then listen to him snore.....it literally got to a point, both of us were pissy from a lack of sex.....he watched manly shows and i masturbated a lot......

i apologize for rambling.....

the point of all this is, now looking back, i dont think the sexual abuse made me find my submissiveness, but possibly prevented it for years.....due to no choice of my own, i was made a sexual creature many years before i should have, and, only with life and maturity(egads), been able to finally admit to me its ok to feel all those dirty nasty feelings and it, in no way, affects who i am.......

im still the best damn lunchroom manager in the world

, an awesome mom most days, and generally a good person.....

if this makes sense to anyone, id like your comments on similiar or completely different perspectives......

if it makes no sense....well that wont surprise me either......im pleasantly buzzed as i type it

< Message edited by SeeksOnlyOne -- 7/5/2007 5:49:56 PM >

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RE: abuse and feelings - 7/5/2007 6:05:26 PM

LuckyAlbatross

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Being made a sexual craeture isn't a bad part- we're all sexual at all ages.

Being violated, not being allowed to consent or feel confident to hold to your boundaries- that's the problem.

As I always say- orientation is innate, expression of orientation is learned.

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RE: abuse and feelings - 7/5/2007 7:24:38 PM

velvetears

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When children are sexualized early it sets them up for a lifetime of sexual difficulties in such a variety of ways - promiscuity, frigidity, not being able to be faithful, etc.... i am not sure i understand your line of thinking when you say that the abuse led to a sexual disconnect in your marriage and perhaps suppression which then opened up the gateway to discovering your submission? It appears to me you are saying submission = dirty naughty sex? Maybe it's late and i am kinda tired so please correct me if i am wrong. Just want to understand your line of reasoning and how you are connecting the dots.

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RE: abuse and feelings - 7/5/2007 7:41:46 PM

slaveish

Posts: 1086
Joined: 2/19/2007
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quote:

ORIGINAL: SeeksOnlyOne

the point of all this is, now looking back, i dont think the sexual abuse made me find my submissiveness, but possibly prevented it for years.....due to no choice of my own, i was made a sexual creature many years before i should have, and, only with life and maturity(egads), been able to finally admit to me its ok to feel all those dirty nasty feelings and it, in no way, affects who i am.......

Absolutely it makes sense. Being helpless in one situation made you tough on the outside. It was a control mechanism / survival instinct. There is often guilt and shame and anger simultaneous to the abuse, and the guilt and shame and anger leave remnants.

We are taught to be (oh boy) "good girls" so the anger gets snuffed (more like shoved down until it finds its own way out through destructive behavior). The nasty edge on that sword, though, is that we (can) blame ourselves for the abuse, which makes us feel not at all like good girls.

We one is young, there is no way to fight the abuser physically. The outer personality shell gets harder (to protect the soft and wounded insides), and to hide all that horrible guilt and shame and anger. It is a vicious cycle.

So ... submission? It can be a dirty, scary, impossible word and an even worse concept. If one is submissive, however, embracing and getting back in touch with her nature is freeing. To me it was like stepping outside and drinking in clean fresh air after being cooped up in a stale windowless box.

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RE: abuse and feelings - 7/5/2007 7:42:55 PM

SeeksOnlyOne

Posts: 2012
Joined: 5/14/2007
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quote:

ORIGINAL: velvetears

When children are sexualized early it sets them up for a lifetime of sexual difficulties in such a variety of ways - promiscuity, frigidity, not being able to be faithful, etc.... i am not sure i understand your line of thinking when you say that the abuse led to a sexual disconnect in your marriage and perhaps suppression which then opened up the gateway to discovering your submission? It appears to me you are saying submission = dirty naughty sex? Maybe it's late and i am kinda tired so please correct me if i am wrong. Just want to understand your line of reasoning and how you are connecting the dots.

dont worry-some days i cant connect the dots either, and it my head....

im saying i was never able to "let my self go" sexually when married.....even though i was frustrated with our sex life for years, i always managed to cum and it was all well in his eyes.......but i always craved more, until it became easier to just say no and not bother......rather than even think of admitting to him(because i couldnt even admit it to me), that i wanted to explore....

D/s to me isnt sex-based-i was pretty much submissive my entire marriage....ive often related it to my parents marriage, where they each had their role/job/place in the home-dad was head of the household and mom adored serving him.....

i guess what im trying to say, i was married for 20 years, and looking back, i think had we been able to find the sexual connection, it may have lasted forever.....but i never even had the guts to tell him i craved a finger up my butt to help me cum harder, because asking for something sexually was so wrong to me in my mind.....because i still thought of sex as that nasty thing that was done to me when i was a kid......and the molestor had done things to me that i was ashamed of my adult self for craving.....

or it may be late and i am not even understanding me-it aint easy living in this head some days

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it aint no good til it hurts just a little bit....jimmy somerville

in those moments of solitude, does everyone sometimes think they are insane? or is it just me?

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