BDSM and Sexuality (Full Version)

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thetaboosun -> BDSM and Sexuality (7/5/2007 8:57:26 PM)

What seems to me to be a trend is the large amount of profiles of individuals seeking to scene but make a strong statement indicating that it is not for any sort of sexual benefit as if associating BDSM with sex is some sort of horrific heathenous taboo.  You know what I mean, "I want to be your slave forever and ever, but you'll never get my nay-nay you sick pervert". 

Now, I get that there can be a distinction, and for some there is a parallel, but for others it seems that the instant BDSM, and forming BDSM-related relationships comes into question, considering sex becomes off limits.  I'm wondering if that is the result in some sort of shame about sexuality as it relates to BDSM or if there are some people that genuinely demand vanilla sex, with BDSM play wholly off the table at that time.

I don't know, if I'm going to have an extended relationship with someone with whom I am regularly playing, the topic of sexuality is going to come up, as it would with any vanilla relationship.  WTF is the deal with biting a person's head off because of that?  I just don't get some people, really.



mstrjx -> RE: BDSM and Sexuality (7/5/2007 9:19:48 PM)

I look at profiles.  But I do not see much 'exclusion' of sex implied.  I believe what many people are trying to indicate is that their sole reason for being 'here' or in the Lifestyle is simply for sex, or kinky sex.  They wish more of the 'trappings' of the Lifestyle, be it bondage, D/s relationships, SM play, what have you.

Making 'what we do' about sexual conquests isn't enough for many.  But I don't see much evidence of excluding it altogether as any sort of trend or wealth of profiles here.

Jeff



LuckyAlbatross -> RE: BDSM and Sexuality (7/5/2007 9:24:10 PM)

Kinky people have the same issues with sex that vanillas (in general) do.

Swingers have the same issues with authority transfer that vanillas (in general) do.



TwistedPoet -> RE: BDSM and Sexuality (7/6/2007 12:37:42 AM)

Possibly taking it too far down the..."I'm serious not just a horny netgeek" road. If all you want is sex, why bother, but I can't see the point of a non sexual relationship either really.

I would feel really weird if that could not be part of the aftercare. Not all of the time, but certainly some of the time. To hold and reassure, to comfort her, and kiss away her tears, it would seem to be a natural progression.



LadyHeart -> RE: BDSM and Sexuality (7/6/2007 12:56:53 AM)

I'd just see it as a natural backlash against the trend for people wanting kinky sex to masquerade as Dominants. If the profile is a bit off putting, then the trolls will move on to greener and more gullible pastures. The more discriminating person will take the trouble to get to know the other person further. No problem as far as I am concerned.
:))

LH



HeavansKeeper -> RE: BDSM and Sexuality (7/6/2007 1:37:02 AM)

I'm not at all on the prowl for another Pet, but my homepage does show me a new submissive female every day.  I glance over them and I must say, I find VERY few profiles saying they want a BDSM experience completely devoid of sex.  On the flip side, it feels like they all read fairly similar.  There's always the mention of fake doms, age groups that don't apply, a huge long list of 'don'ts'... It's all very offputting to me.

Although these men and women have their reasons to be so... Firewalled... It masks who they really are.  I don't believe that because a woman is so upfront on her profile that she'd be equally bitchy (sorry =\) in real life.  I understand why so many women are so guarded, in that respect.  My Pet (at current) has no pictures, no likes/dislikes, no information, no forum posts.  Nothing but the physical traits and "Female Slave."  She told me she gets a cool 25-30 mails a week.  Imagine if she was looking for guys... AND had a picture that showed her skin tone.  Extrapolate.  100?  150?  Thats a lot of creepy guys who want to coat her in sticky- point is, a few... hundred thousand... bad apples have forced these (probably) lovely people to put up the gates.

Personally, I find BDSM to be a sexual situation.  Even those who don't have sex when they 'play' are, in my opinion, engaging in sexual activity.



zumala -> RE: BDSM and Sexuality (7/6/2007 4:37:49 AM)

I think a lot of BDSM (D/s) does have at least sexual overtones to it.  A submissive mindset can tend to lead toward being all hot and bothered, I'm sure.  My problem (if I can call it that) is that I'm completely monogamous with my husband and have never had sex with anyone else.  In that sense, I belong to him, whether he's ever able to dom me or not.  So I have a bit of a sticky wicket at times in wanting to submit and melt in a sensual manner, but not quite having my partner up to or knowing what to do with that.
 
zuma



TallDarkAndWitty -> RE: BDSM and Sexuality (7/6/2007 7:44:36 AM)

As someone who is actively looking for a service oriented slave (i.e. one for whom sex is not the primary pleasure in our relationship), I think the vast majority of profiles on here and alt and b are looking for kinky sex.  (Not that there is anything wrong with that!)  Perhaps it is something that you are looking for that leads you to these profiles...or, much like the psychological phenomena that leads to people believing in psychics, you simple remember the hits, and forget the misses.

Taggard



Master96 -> RE: BDSM and Sexuality (7/6/2007 9:40:00 AM)

For me.... D/s isn't only sex. And sex isn't always kinky!



Trampler -> RE: BDSM and Sexuality (7/6/2007 12:18:10 PM)

The relationship that I am working on with a sub, won't have sex in it for a long time, if ever. (all depending on how things go.) right now, my main interest is exploring the many s/m activities, and growing into a (hopefully) stable, caring D/s relationship. When it comes to sex itself, I feel that should be shared between 2/or more people who care deeply for one another.  Until that point, it just isn't satisfying for me. 



iFraudius -> RE: BDSM and Sexuality (7/6/2007 12:45:50 PM)

As my profile indicates (somewhat sarcastically) my feelings about the "it's not about sex" crowd reflect what LuckyAlbatross says, these are issues about sex, the same sort vanilla people with issues about sex (and intimacy) have.
 
The difference is that D/s BDSM provides (for some) a great place to hide from intimacy, while cloaking one's self in a mantle of more "honorable intentions," (as if there's something ... dirty? cheap? crude? self-serving?) about sexual desires and expression, incorporated into that paradigm.
 
That doesn't mean that service must include sex, nor that it ultimately will result in intimacy.  Some of the longest relationships where I'm considered by some, to be of service, and by others, both submissive and of service, are ones where I have no sexual involvement, although there's no barrier to it, save perhaps mutual desire. 
 
I've engaged in relationships where I have deliberately held off on sexual intimacy while attempting to gauge the nature of the (submissive) individual and what might or might not be, comfortable and appropriate.  But I do not go looking for primary relationships feeling the need to make a declaration about sex playing a secondary or nonexistent role, nor would I consider one with someone else who did.



Elorin -> RE: BDSM and Sexuality (7/6/2007 2:04:38 PM)

I know I read a lot of profiles that are against ~just~ sex for the BDSM relationship, and a fair number of femdoms who want no sex. But I haven't read any that say "if you want sex with your BDSM you are wrong and bad." They are simply clear about what they want - leaving you clear to read the profile first, and decide to move on if sex is mandatory for you in a BDSM relationship.

For myself, I'm sexually submissive, and I don't find many sexually attractive submissives applying to me anyway. It is easier to say that i'm happy to play and have it be sexual (cock stroking, strapon play, CBT, etc) but that the sub isn't going to have sex with me than to explain at length and have it ignored because it isn't understood.

~E



Dreammster -> RE: BDSM and Sexuality (7/6/2007 3:03:36 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: Elorin

I know I read a lot of profiles that are against ~just~ sex for the BDSM relationship, and a fair number of femdoms who want no sex. But I haven't read any that say "if you want sex with your BDSM you are wrong and bad." They are simply clear about what they want - leaving you clear to read the profile first, and decide to move on if sex is mandatory for you in a BDSM relationship.

For myself, I'm sexually submissive, and I don't find many sexually attractive submissives applying to me anyway. It is easier to say that i'm happy to play and have it be sexual (cock stroking, strapon play, CBT, etc) but that the sub isn't going to have sex with me than to explain at length and have it ignored because it isn't understood.

~E



I think we all understand better now.  I know I do.



Elorin -> RE: BDSM and Sexuality (7/6/2007 5:13:43 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: Dreammster
I think we all understand better now.  I know I do.

I can guarantee you don't.

~E



LadyPaige -> RE: BDSM and Sexuality (7/6/2007 6:02:29 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: LadyHeart

I'd just see it as a natural backlash against the trend for people wanting kinky sex to masquerade as Dominants. If the profile is a bit off putting, then the trolls will move on to greener and more gullible pastures. The more discriminating person will take the trouble to get to know the other person further. No problem as far as I am concerned.
:))

LH


I have to agree here.  I stopped looking on-line for a Dom about a year and a half ago because all they wanted was kinky sex and they expected it either in the parking lot after a first meeting, or on the first date.  None of them respected my need to be safe or acted like they thought being a Dom meant anything more than having a woman serve their every desire.  Responsibility? Pfft.

Since I came on here looking for a submissive male, the majority of the e-mails are from men wanting sex.  I didn't say on my profile that sex was never going to be an option, but I did make a couple journal entries indicating not to take that expectation for granted.  If you want to wash my car on the first date, hey go for it, but don't think I'm going to cuff you and make you serve me orally before strapping on my harness and making you my bitch on the first, second, third, or even fourth.  (and no, that doesn't mean it will happen on the fifth).

Paige



smilinguy -> RE: BDSM and Sexuality (7/6/2007 6:51:26 PM)

I personally would be thrilled if there was more sex in my SM play, but there's way more to SM than just kinky sex.



Dreammster -> RE: BDSM and Sexuality (7/6/2007 8:00:22 PM)

Interesting perspectives



Petronius -> RE: BDSM and Sexuality (7/6/2007 8:11:04 PM)

"... only looking for kinky sex!" As opposed to looking for kinky hysteria? Or kinky frigidity? Kinky impotence? Kinky ahedonia? Kinky Star Trek?



Dreammster -> RE: BDSM and Sexuality (7/6/2007 8:53:01 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: Elorin

quote:

ORIGINAL: Dreammster
I think we all understand better now.  I know I do.

I can guarantee you don't.

~E


I certainly FEEL better about it now. 

I havent had someone guarantee me that I could not understand in a long time.  Its quite...........   enlightening.

Such a strong  stern Dominant assertion.  Such a powerful personality.  Congratulations on your firm grasp of that which we mere mortals cannot possibly understand.



Elorin -> RE: BDSM and Sexuality (7/7/2007 11:15:34 AM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: Dreammster
I certainly FEEL better about it now. 

I havent had someone guarantee me that I could not understand in a long time.  Its quite...........   enlightening.

Such a strong  stern Dominant assertion.  Such a powerful personality.  Congratulations on your firm grasp of that which we mere mortals cannot possibly understand.

Short, cutting, sarcastic one liners in response to sincere answers don't indicuate understanding, they indicate small minds. I can guarantee you don't understand ~me~ better because I didn't explain myself at length in this thread any more than I do in my profile. ~shrugs~ You may know that I'm sexual submissive, but understanding comes from more knowledge than was provided. Lots of mortals understand why my profile says I don't fuck male subs, it's not mere mortality that is the problem. It's the implication of moral superiority.

And thanks, I do have a lovely powerful personality, whether in submission or dominance. It much prefer it to the superiority and nastiness people tend to share, such as your original response to me which carried no semantic meaning and the connotative value of "I am more important than you and your response here means nothing."

~E



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