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TigerNINTails -> RE: Incorporating D/s into "vanilla" relationships (7/7/2007 7:03:56 AM)
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Excellent advice all of it, and I'll have to say that I agree, but there's something that I'm curious about...
TNG... I thought that was a 'Frisco based group... They have a chapter up in Canada?
Anyway, yes, like it's been said, communication is the central hub here. He does need to be sure that he enjoys taking the lead, that it can, even with a little adjustment, become natural to him. Society puts in some weird stops, which will have to be overcome, but with solid communication, you shouldn't have too many problems...
And as it's been said, while Dominants generally don't like to be "told" what to do, there are ways to politely insert the idea of something so that he can pick up on it. Sometimes, just asking if you can make a suggestion will lay the ground work, and won't come across as topping from the bottom or any of that silliness, that young to the lifestyle should ever have to worry about.
Having small casual meetings also, just the two of you, to discuss things you've done, what you feel about them, and possibly what you want to try, or would like to see him progress to, in the next scene you engage in will help also.
Being willing to allow him the lead and let him know, without a doubt he has it will help also. In otherwords, just in the course of your conversations, if you were to tell him that it doesn't matter when (within reason, say, any time it's private between you) he wants to just do something, that it's okay and you'll fall in line with it. How far outside you take things from there is between the two of you, but starting just within the home is a good start.
I mean, the spontanaety is a good thing too, in my mind. So making sure he gets it, that he's able to just do something without any sort of lead in (whether he takes advantage of it or not is irrelevant, in the beginning, it's just so he knows) is also important. He needs to (if it's something he can get used to) get used to the fact that he's the "lead"... He's the big kahuna, the top dog, the big cheese, whatever... Ultimately, he has to learn to take that lead and make the decisions.
That is probably the biggest societal hurdle that I can think of, actually. We get it engrained in us that we are in equal relationships when we're with our partners and then when we're faced with the probability of total control, there's something else that grabs hold and tries to tell us that we need to check with our partner... To ask their opinion, or see how they feel about it... But that's something he's going to have to work out on his own.
To stop looking at you as if you have that say in your relationship as to what goes on day to day. Or to stop giving you that say, I should say. Unless he wants to. My point is not that he should, perse, it's what's good for him that matters, but rather that he gets over the idea that he "should". Does that make sense? I don't know if I can make that any clearer.
Getting in contact with other people in your local community could be a huge start too... But you have to be careful not to overwhelm him... Some of the stuff that people do at play parties could scare the living shit out of someone that isn't used to it. So munches or non-play get togethers at first, till he gets used to other people in the scene and realizes they're like everyone else... Relatively normal people... Whatever that definition is... Normal.. Heheh. And preferably people near your age, as Master Fire stated, maybe a bit older and more experienced, but you need that interaction with a like age group, so he begins to trust people around him enough, to be able to see them play and see what they are up to, or ask them questions and get guidance outside of your little unit. But let him move at his own speed. And communicate.
That's my suggestions for it. That and read a lot of books, and watch a lot of videos... And, of course... Play alot... Get lots of practice. And of course, act as you feel comfortable acting in that frame of mind... Whenever possible, to get him used to seeing that, and accepting it as normal in your daily lives.
Ona Z's learning the ropes is a good series, btw... Old... but good.
Also, digging up books on dominance and submission, sado-masochism (if that's an interest) bondage and discipline, corporal punishment, rope work, suspension, whatever... Anything and everything that piques your indivual or collective interest.
That's my suggestion... Just dig into it... Together, preferably... Communicate.
If anything needs clarifying, let me know.
Peace.
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