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The Vanilla vs BDSM relationships - 7/6/2007 8:35:54 PM   
cupidsings12


Posts: 10
Joined: 7/6/2007
Status: offline 		So someone please tell me, how does an active BDSM dom straight male engage in a long term vanilla relationship that is completely interdependent?  Two different lives, parallel with one another.  Imagine the lies, stories and betrayel.  I'd love to hear your opinions.
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RE: The Vanilla vs BDSM relationships - 7/6/2007 9:09:26 PM   
slaveish


Posts: 1086
Joined: 2/19/2007
Status: offline 		Are you asking how a Dom cheats, maintains his married vanilla life but playing with kink on the side?

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RE: The Vanilla vs BDSM relationships - 7/6/2007 9:10:37 PM   
Masternslave07


Posts: 203
Joined: 12/29/2006
Status: offline 		How does he do it?
Very carefully.

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RE: The Vanilla vs BDSM relationships - 7/7/2007 12:39:47 AM   
Mikal


Posts: 3673
Status: offline 		Why would he even want to???? 

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RE: The Vanilla vs BDSM relationships - 7/7/2007 1:12:58 AM   
winterlight


Posts: 1319
Joined: 2/18/2006
Status: offline 		so much for honor and truth...

not the kind of Dom for me. I know there are others out there that would find this fine..

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RE: The Vanilla vs BDSM relationships - 7/7/2007 1:30:33 AM   
Tenebrious


Posts: 101
Joined: 2/28/2005
From: right behind you
Status: offline 		I've got a crazy idea...

1. don't
2. do, but be honest about extracurricular kinky activities
3. live a vanilla life while you're in a relationship with the vanilla person
4. see if the vanilla person is open to the idea of engaging in more kinky activities

If you're just going to sneak off and lie about hooking up with other people it's not a real relationship in the first place, so it's not worth putting in the effort.

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RE: The Vanilla vs BDSM relationships - 7/7/2007 3:20:43 PM   
cupidsings12


Posts: 10
Joined: 7/6/2007
Status: offline 		Thank you for your replies.  You're all right.  Why would he want to?  My understanding is this; he was influenced by a twisted friend, and started to dabble.  He escalated over a year.  I knew something wasn't right, even though we had an active sex life.  What kills me is if he only told me, asked me, I would have been game.  I like hot sex and a lot of this sexuality, but I think in his head they were seperate things.  It's ok, I'm dealing with it, and meeting some nice people on this site.  Like all of you!

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RE: The Vanilla vs BDSM relationships - 7/7/2007 7:40:27 PM   
proudsub


Posts: 6142
Joined: 1/31/2004
From: Washington
Status: offline
quote:

What kills me is if he only told me, asked me, I would have been game.


That's the mistake i made years ago, never thought Hubby would be interested or even understand, boy was i wrong.  It's unfortunate that so many are afraid to discuss their desires with their spouses before going outside their marriage. I was lucky that He forgave me and even partially blamed Himself for not meeting my needs.

I am curious how you are dealing with it cupid.

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proudsub

"Without goals you become what you were. With goals you become what you wish." .

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RE: The Vanilla vs BDSM relationships - 7/7/2007 10:21:35 PM   
cupidsings12


Posts: 10
Joined: 7/6/2007
Status: offline 		To ProudSub,
How am I dealing with it?  I have a very demanding job, so that helps.  I try to stay as active as possible.  I make plans, even if I don't want to go.  And I go.  I'm working on dating, but you know these dating sites.  You have to weed through a hundred to get to one good one, but I've luckily found two people I'm enjoying.  No sex yet, I'm not ready.  But it's been great therapy.  And time.  I would love to be able to sit and talk to my partner and ask why he never asked me.  But I don't see that happening.  Time will tell.
I feel like your husband, I would love to forgive him, and I partially blame myself.  I would love the chance to show him.  You know, hindsight is 20/20.  Thanks for asking.  CS

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RE: The Vanilla vs BDSM relationships - 7/8/2007 9:36:20 AM   
cupidsings12


Posts: 10
Joined: 7/6/2007
Status: offline 		Yes. Very. Problem is, I'm still in love with him. It's going to take awhile.  Thank you for your response.

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RE: The Vanilla vs BDSM relationships - 7/8/2007 12:30:33 PM   
proudsub


Posts: 6142
Joined: 1/31/2004
From: Washington
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: cupidsings12

Yes. Very. Problem is, I'm still in love with him. It's going to take awhile. 


If you are still in love with him, why not have a heart to heart talk about your and his desires and see if you can start over and work things out.  Hubby's forgiveness meant a lot to me. Along with His forgivenesss He told me He loved me more than anything in the world and my affair would never be mentioned again.  That was over 3 years ago and He has stuck  to His word.

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proudsub

"Without goals you become what you were. With goals you become what you wish." .

"You are entitled to your own opinions but not your own facts"--Alan Greenspan


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RE: The Vanilla vs BDSM relationships - 7/8/2007 3:52:54 PM   
cupidsings12


Posts: 10
Joined: 7/6/2007
Status: offline 		No, we can't right now.  It's too fresh and new.  I am over my anger, but I do not think he is.  A lot of hurtful things were said on both sides.  I would love to have the chance to start over, but I would never trust him again.  You had one lover on the side, mine had many and was juggling them all.  Not one knew about me or us.  So there's just too much bad water under the bridge.  Thank you for your suggestion though.  I've thought about it, but I just don't see it happening.  Do you now practice BDSM with your husband?  

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RE: The Vanilla vs BDSM relationships - 7/8/2007 3:54:32 PM   
cupidsings12


Posts: 10
Joined: 7/6/2007
Status: offline 		Yes, to all of it.

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RE: The Vanilla vs BDSM relationships - 7/8/2007 4:26:42 PM   
NakedOnMyChain


Posts: 2431
Joined: 11/29/2004
From: Indiana
Status: offline 		You tell her about it.  You see if she's interested in learning about the lifestyle and eventually playing.  If she's not, you discuss your option to play with others.  If she won't allow you to play with others, you make a decision whether you can deal with that or not.  If you can deal with it, you stay with her.  If you can't deal with it, you get out.


Edited to add:  I'm in rather the reverse situation right now.  My husband was vanilla when he and I met.  I was honest with him from the start and he said he wanted to learn.  We played for a while and it was mediocrely fun.  But he finally was honest in that he has no interest in the lifestyle and we haven't played in well over a year.  So now we've moved into the sticky realm of talking about me finding other play partners.  He's not overly receptive, but he knows it's unfair of him to ask me live without something I need when I was promised its fulfillment when he and I married.  It's going to be a long road, but I'm a firm believer in communication.  If only people would be honest about their needs and desire, or lack thereof, from the get-go!

My advice to you is to give it time and see how you feel about it farther down the road.  I wish you the very best of luck.

< Message edited by NakedOnMyChain -- 7/8/2007 4:35:06 PM >

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~The Cure

"I ask for so little. Just fear me, love me, do as I say, and I will be your slave."
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RE: The Vanilla vs BDSM relationships - 7/8/2007 8:06:28 PM   
proudsub


Posts: 6142
Joined: 1/31/2004
From: Washington
Status: offline
quote:

Do you now practice BDSM with your husband?  


Yes Hubby is my Dom.  I had always been submissive to Him outside the bedroom, i just didn't know it or have a name for it. The difference is that we moved it to the bedroom as well and now have a name for it.

< Message edited by proudsub -- 7/8/2007 8:18:26 PM >

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proudsub

"Without goals you become what you were. With goals you become what you wish." .

"You are entitled to your own opinions but not your own facts"--Alan Greenspan


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RE: The Vanilla vs BDSM relationships - 7/8/2007 8:39:26 PM   
Tenebrious


Posts: 101
Joined: 2/28/2005
From: right behind you
Status: offline 		It always bugs me when people are dishonest in a relationship.  Despite how common it is, I just don't understand how they can rationalize lying to somebody that they're supposed to care about.

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RE: The Vanilla vs BDSM relationships - 7/9/2007 5:18:08 AM   
diz


Posts: 1076
Joined: 9/6/2006
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: Tenebrious

It always bugs me when people are dishonest in a relationship.  Despite how common it is, I just don't understand how they can rationalize lying to somebody that they're supposed to care about.



my sentiments entirely

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RE: The Vanilla vs BDSM relationships - 7/9/2007 5:30:20 AM   
angelslave77


Posts: 478
Joined: 5/14/2007
Status: offline 		I tried to get my partner interested but after 8 years of trying I gave up and left. It was then I found Master who I love and fulfills both the "nilla desires and the D/s desires.

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RE: The Vanilla vs BDSM relationships - 7/13/2007 8:04:50 PM   
cupidsings12


Posts: 10
Joined: 7/6/2007
Status: offline 		Dear ProudSub,
Good for you!!  That's really great.  If mine only shared it with me instead of going outside, we would have been great, cause sex between us was great.  But he was missing it and didn't share with me.  And I asked, multiple times, but he would never tell me.  You're very lucky.

CS

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RE: The Vanilla vs BDSM relationships - 7/13/2007 8:06:41 PM   
cupidsings12


Posts: 10
Joined: 7/6/2007
Status: offline 		Tenebrious,
Yes, me too.  I don't do it, so I just don't get people who do.  Thank you for your comment.

CS

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